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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another football parent calling my son gay boy

480 replies

Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 15:27

So I guess my AIBU is, do I pull them up on it or just let it go. Week after week they call him gay boy. "Oh there's gay boy I didn't see him" , "well done gay boy good game". You get my gist. I think it's said in jest, but my god it makes my shit itch.
I couldn't give two hoots if he's gay or not as long as he's happy in himself.
Not sure that I would be over reacting to call them out on it next time?? Hence why not I'm here asking you lot...! If so I need help with come backs I'm not quick witted and tend to think oh I should have said after the event.
Also do I call them out or speak to the manager who is friendly with them? Don't want it to be awks but equally want them to know what they are doing is not acceptable (imo anyway)... thoughts please mumsnetters

OP posts:
BuckEmOrf · 23/10/2021 23:20

Its not about whether your son minds only. It's about the child that overhears and is struggling with their own sexuality.

AnnieSnap · 23/10/2021 23:33

@JBEM4 She would only take the line ‘it’s just a joke”. Don’t you have a sense of humour”? So, the conversation would eventually become a confrontation. This kind of person isn’t going to give a reasonable response!

Gingembre · 23/10/2021 23:44

@BuckEmOrf

Its not about whether your son minds only. It's about the child that overhears and is struggling with their own sexuality.
This exactly. Abd the fact that to that kid silently struggling, not only is she saying it, but the adults within earshot - including the manager, someone of importance - all agree. Because in a kid's mind, if they didn't or thought it was wrong, they'd stop her or say something.

Maybe let your son know its good that he's not upset, but other kids also hear it.

JBEM4 · 23/10/2021 23:46

[quote AnnieSnap]@JBEM4 She would only take the line ‘it’s just a joke”. Don’t you have a sense of humour”? So, the conversation would eventually become a confrontation. This kind of person isn’t going to give a reasonable response![/quote]
Maybe, maybe not. We don't know her.

Maybe she thinks she's "down with the kids" and it's her attempt at being (although way off target) the cool, fun mum.

Is it said in a casual jokey way or in a snide way?

I wish I could do things "properly" and I've likely been fortunate enough every time I've called adults out for hitching at/about kids that it didn't escalate to aggression but not once did I need to raise my voice or be confrontational.

The question remains - is this woman vocal about other players or has she singled OP's son out? Is this how she behaves/speaks in general? Is it (unnecessary but) superficial comments or a personal issue she has with OP's son in particular?

Tulips15 · 23/10/2021 23:59

@Skatastic

If someone said this to my child I would fucking knock them out.
Same. (I'd let the manager know and police though) stick up for your child
Ohmygodyesthatsit · 24/10/2021 00:01

@JBEM4 if you read ops posts its clear the woman has always been a bully and is rude aggressive and confrontational.

BasicDad · 24/10/2021 00:03

Any parent abusing children at sports events should be hung drawn and quartered.

AnnieSnap · 24/10/2021 00:06

@JBEM4 This woman has a history of being a bully since she was at school herself according to the OP.

Hottbutterscotch · 24/10/2021 00:23

People are asking her to say something in his defence, anything. That’s not baying for blood. Most would not have tolerated it for this long.
If OP was saying she asked this woman to stop & it has continued or that when she did she responded aggressively or with violence then perhaps the advice would be different but so far there has been absolutely no attempt to sort it out at all.

Is it not just common sense that you would ask someone to stop before you start writing letters? Her defence will be that she didn’t know she was causing any offence because no one has said as such. “Sorry, was just a bit of banter. I didn’t realise”. The manager will take that stance too because he can. It’s a bit of a joke that you didn’t seem to mind. All need to him that you do.
She has to be told to stop at least once for the sake of clarity. Thereafter she has no defence. It’s just logical to make her offence known in the first instance.
If OP has decided that this woman is such a lunatic that nothing and no one can stop her then it’s time to find somewhere else for DS to play.

JBEM4 · 24/10/2021 00:30

[quote Ohmygodyesthatsit]@JBEM4 if you read ops posts its clear the woman has always been a bully and is rude aggressive and confrontational.[/quote]
Well that's me told.

In that case I'd be even more inclined to address it personally. Chances are she is confident OP won't say anything which is why she has the nerve to do it.

But again my default instict is to stand up to bullies while remaining dignified and mature. It's amazing the effect and humiliation caused by being calling out bullying with a friendly smile on your face.

I'm admittedly next level petty though 🤪

EKGEMS · 24/10/2021 02:07

She sounds like she's overdue for her rabies and distemper vaccines! I probably would be in jail the first time she uttered that within my earshot

Werehamster · 24/10/2021 02:12

I'm glad to hear you are complaining to the club Welfare Officer. This is exactly the reason why they have them. Calling out the mother personally won't have much effect, I suspect, and it seems that she is an on-going problem for several reasons, so hopefully the complaint will be well dealt with.

Pendlet0n · 24/10/2021 05:14

This is homophobic bullying. Some children in this club may well be gay and will be incredibly damaged by such comments. It also sends and spreads the message that homophobic language and bullying is ok. I’m shocked the organisers have done nothing and they must be in breach of something. I have a son who was subjected to language like this in school and worse. It has been catastrophic and lead to him being suicidal. At 18 he is still having therapy to get over it and come to terms with his sexuality.

I know it’s hard but it needs to be dealt with. It could be your son hating himself and wanting to kill himself in a few years time.

DFOD · 24/10/2021 07:52

@Werehamster

I'm glad to hear you are complaining to the club Welfare Officer. This is exactly the reason why they have them. Calling out the mother personally won't have much effect, I suspect, and it seems that she is an on-going problem for several reasons, so hopefully the complaint will be well dealt with.
I agree. When my DS was bullied at school by a neighbours child we considered just speaking to the parents directly we were advised not to as it can escalate.

There are official, tried and tested and well thought through processes to deal with all parties (perpetrator, victim, complainant) effectively that puts the action on record and protects other of repercussions.

She sounds vile, has form and is not going to respond well to you calling her out directly - she will be loud and reactive - just belittle you, become defensive and no doubt start a hidden revenge of bullying.

She will be much more humiliated having to deal with an official.

TirednWorried · 24/10/2021 08:08

She will be much more humiliated having to deal with an official.
Hopefully the welfare officer will issue general whole club reminders about homophobic language and parents code of conduct as a first step. I am concerned if tbis woman is approached directly about tbis incident, it will turn the coaches and manager against your son

Mouthfulofquiz · 24/10/2021 08:33

Straight to the club welfare officer with this one I think. Copy in the club chairman too. Highlight that the coaches need more support to deal with this parent too. It’s not right that people get to behave like this and ruin the experience for everyone else because they can’t keep a grip on themselves. Trust me, everyone will be thinking this woman is a dick and at least they will have the FA to back them up if they decide to tell her and ultimately her kid leave the team. She is jeopardising her son’s opportunity to play football with his team by behaving like this. Do the right thing.

EmeraldShamrock · 24/10/2021 08:34

am concerned if tbis woman is approached directly about tbis incident, it will turn the coaches and manager against your son.
I can't understand the coaches/managers allowing this.
They should have spoken out against her, it is troubling they didn't.
What kind of people are they?
Any parent would be sent away on my DS team, the trainer's instill confidence.
My DS team is rough in a wc area where some parents like to shout, some DC are brilliant others have special needs.
This would never be acceptable, parent would be removed from the pitch immediately for derogatory descriptions or comments towards player's.

Mouthfulofquiz · 24/10/2021 08:34
Justilou1 · 24/10/2021 08:42

Don’t worry too much about her if she approaches you after you have approached the Welfare Officer. Just diarise everything she says and send it directly back to them. If she asks why you didn’t speak to her directly, and she expects a response from you, just state that you followed the correct protocol and ask her to please leave you alone. If you have witnesses, say very clearly that you followed the correct procedural process to protect your son and anyone more vulnerable that may have been affected by her hate speech, and state very clearly that you would like her to leave you and your child alone.

Dee473 · 24/10/2021 08:42

I am a lesbian mum and the very first time my son went to a football coaching session the guy taking the subscriptions started shouting at his son "Oy gay boy get my bag etc" I went up to him and asked him to stop. He refused and was quite threatening to me. My son was in tears. Fortunately other parents stepped in to support me. My son's best friend aged 7 put his arms round him and said "Don't worry some people have no sense." The team manager had a word with the guy and told him to apologise. The guy did so. My son played for the team for several years and became a keen footballer. He is now 28 and still plays football regularly. The moral here is always challenge and allies are worth their weight in gold.

Comefromaway · 24/10/2021 08:43

Homophobic comments can never be just banter/a bit of a joke.

Ever.

EmeraldShamrock · 24/10/2021 08:47

@Dee473 Good job. 👏
We all need to step out of our comfort zones and question this type of talk.

iklboo · 24/10/2021 08:48

I am concerned if tbis woman is approached directly about tbis incident, it will turn the coaches and manager against your son

Then he's better off out of the team. Homophobia in football has to end. It's a disgrace.

nanbread · 24/10/2021 08:52

@BuckEmOrf

Its not about whether your son minds only. It's about the child that overhears and is struggling with their own sexuality.
This
TirednWorried · 24/10/2021 09:31

It's all very well taking the moral high and , but your DS may be the one ultimately who pays the price, not you. Given that you said your boy didn't care about the comments, i just hope you have talked all this through with him and he understands that whistle-blowers are very often victimised.