Page 11 | Another football parent calling my son gay boy

Porkpiesarespicy · 2021-10-23T14:27:25+00:00

So I guess my AIBU is, do I pull them up on it or just let it go. Week after week they call him gay boy. "Oh there's gay boy I didn't see him" , "well done gay boy good game". You get my gist. I think it's said in jest, but my god it makes my shit itch. I couldn't give two hoots if he's gay or not as long as he's happy in himself. Not sure that I would be over reacting to call them out on it next time?? Hence why not I'm here asking you lot...! If so I need help with come backs I'm not quick witted and tend to think oh I should have said after the event. Also do I call them out or speak to the manager who is friendly with them? Don't want it to be awks but equally want them to know what they are doing is not acceptable (imo anyway)... thoughts please mumsnetters

Original poster

Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 21:42

@Ohmygodyesthatsit

Op I think sone are really underestimating how violent and scary some people are. I am pretty bolshy and have always stood up for myself and my kids. However sometimes we know they will literally batter us how on earth would that help the situation? Obviously I dont know what shes like and the likelihood of aforementioned battering happening but if there is any chance do not confront her directly it wont help obviously. Do not be shamed by people on here claiming they would do this and that very easy to say from safety behind keyboard. Either go official (this holds its own dangers being a grass) or do the I know its a joke but enough now route. All of this totally depends how violent she and her friends are.

Thank you - you get it along with so many others on here. Those that say I'm allowing him to be bullied or have no backbone are wrong I am a lioness and will defend my cubs but there is a right way and wrong way!

OP posts:

Quirrelsotherface · 23/10/2021 21:43

What a complete and utter weirdo. Call her out at the earliest opportunity. A lot of 'homophobic' people are actually those with tendencies themselves, so you might want to challenge her with that too.

Original poster

Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 21:45

@TirednWorried

Make sure your son is onboard if you decide to report this.if he is a confident alpha male type and regards it as friendly banter, i t might not bother him in the slightest , whereas yourwhistleblowing might see him ostracised. He is 15 and old enough to decide if/how he wants you to proceed,

He's not bothered I said I will mention it to the welfare officer but he said I'm not fussed I'm not gay I don't give a shit if she or anyone else thinks I am, there's nothing wrong with it, she's a loud mouthed idiot. We have had several discussions tonight as a family about it and each time that's his response!

OP posts:

Original poster

Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 21:51

@Doodar

totally out of order of her, call her out. I'm really interested in his perm though

There are loads of boys here with them, half of his school the boys have perms it's the fashion these days apparently, he loves having it done and to be honest it actually really suits him. I feel if his hair was natural curls it wouldn't be an issue, but who knows

OP posts:

RaspberryBeret1999 · 23/10/2021 21:55

OP, my son would have the same response as yours, and if he wanted me to stay out of it, I would, however hard that would be.

I’m disappointed in the football coach. They should’ve nipped it in the bud immediately. This sort of heckling from other parents goes against every grassroots regulations.

If you do decide to speak up about it, that’s where I would start, by going to the football coach.

billy1966 · 23/10/2021 21:58

OP, doing this officially is the way to go.

She is scum.

Do not lower yourself engaging directly, just make official complaints that ensure she is dealt with.

WellLarDeDar · 23/10/2021 22:03

I'd call him up on it either directly or start going 'hey there's that homophobic prick here again! Look everyone that's what we called a homophobic twat!'. I really hate comments like gayboy. If he's a decent person he'll be embarrassed at his own behaviour.

AnnieSnap · 23/10/2021 22:04

[quote Ohmygodyesthatsit]@Hottbutterscotch its not about self preservation its about what will help and tbh I dont think seeing your Mum getting a battering will nice for ops son, and not entirely sure how you think it will help the situation. Surely it would just embolden the vile wonen.
That was my point.[/quote]
Seeing his mum (OP) screaming and shouting at the other woman isn’t good either. Shouting and slapping is always inappropriate! These things can and should be dealt with in a mature way, not by falling to the horrible woman’s level, or even below it. That said, I could always feel the Lioness rise up in me if ever my kids were slighted.

JustJoinedRightNow · 23/10/2021 22:05

@WellLarDeDar I’m pretty sure the homophobe is actually a woman in this scenario.

Good luck OP. I feel sick on your behalf having to be in this situation.

Astella22 · 23/10/2021 22:07

Even if your ds isn’t gay there could be other, not so confident, members of the team who are and maybe don’t have anyone to stand up for them. This woman is a vile bigot and it sounds like you would be doing everyone a favour to have a stop put to it.

3scape · 23/10/2021 22:11

I can't believe this woman is being let get away with that kind of homophobia around children, noone has picked up this trash? That's all kinds of wrong, the club must be a disorganised shit show with not even a pretend nod to inclusivity or safeguarding.
You're son is right. She's an idiot, but why are other adults enabling her?

ittakes2 · 23/10/2021 22:20

The most most important thing here is to teach your son he needs to have boundaries and make sure people know what these are. Absolutely you need to speak to the coach and the parent concerned if need be with your son present. Regardless if your son is gay or not - imagine how shit he must be feeling that he is being called names each week when he is just enjoying his sport. If you teach him to put up with shit now he will be putting up with shit his entire life. Your poor son. If I was a parent on the sidelines and I heard someone call someone else's son a name I would be tearing shreds off them in defence of a poor child.

logsonlogsoff · 23/10/2021 22:24

‘ Make sure your son is onboard if you decide to report this.if he is a confident alpha male type and regards it as friendly banter, ’

No, no and no. It’s not ‘banter’ it’s homophobia, clear cut. And regardless of what your son says he isn’t of an age to deal with this bull crap, he’s not. Nor should he be expected to put up with it, deal with it, shake it off, or anything else. It’s nothing to do with being ‘alpha’. It’s irrelevant whether or not he’s gay or straight or inbetween.
As a coach I can tell you that this is the kind. Of stuff that grassroots, clubs, FA are hot on for a really good reason. It’s toxic. For the kids, for the game, for the club.
Really gets on my bloody nerves when children are expected to put up with racism and homophobia dressed up as ‘banter’.

iklboo · 23/10/2021 22:25

I'd call him up on it either directly or start going 'hey there's that homophobic prick here again! Look everyone that's what we called a homophobic twat!'. I really hate comments like gayboy. If he's a decent person he'll be embarrassed at his own behaviour.

@WellLarDeDar - it's a woman

NeonTetras · 23/10/2021 22:28

@TirednWorried

Make sure your son is onboard if you decide to report this.if he is a confident alpha male type and regards it as friendly banter, i t might not bother him in the slightest , whereas yourwhistleblowing might see him ostracised. He is 15 and old enough to decide if/how he wants you to proceed,

@TirednWorried But it's not just about her son. It's also about the affect it has on other team members who may be gay and have to listen to those slurs.

Ohmygodyesthatsit · 23/10/2021 22:37

@AnnieSnap I couldn't agree more all this slap her, drag her around shout obscenities at her really? That's really not how grown ups behave is it?

logsonlogsoff · 23/10/2021 22:40

‘He's not bothered I said I will mention it to the welfare officer but he said I'm not fussed I'm not gay I don't give a shit if she or anyone else thinks I am, there's nothing wrong with it, she's a loud mouthed idiot. We have had several discussions tonight as a family about it and each time that's his response!’

If you let this lie then you’re part of the problem. It’s the collective silence that helps perpetuate bullying, abuse, sexual abuse, racism and homophobia. Perhaps you dont think it’s really affecting your child now as he’s ‘okay’ about it but is he? Really? And what about next time, what if it’s something else he feels he shouldn’t make a ‘fuss’ about, something that really does affect him.

And what message is he getting about being gay?
Is he getting a positive message? It’s an okay message? Not really, right? What if he’s gay? Or his bestie comes out? Or his sister? Or anyone he knows? He’s going to have this experience in his head.
Sort it.

Underthestairsbears · 23/10/2021 22:43

This is so so sad. You've had some great advice on here. Just because your DS isn't gay doesn't mean another lad on the team isn't and is hearing this nasty homophobic language and is suffering.

I hope to hear that this nasty woman gets what's coming to her!

DFOD · 23/10/2021 22:44

[quote Ohmygodyesthatsit]@AnnieSnap I couldn't agree more all this slap her, drag her around shout obscenities at her really? That's really not how grown ups behave is it?[/quote]
I agree with this. Demonstrate to your son that there are official channels and processes in place and how to access them assertively and efficiently so that this is dealt with civilly.

The parent sounds like a right thug - she isn’t going to respond appropriately to the OP having a word whether it is a quiet offline one to one chat or a huge shaming public spat …. can totally understand the OPs hesitation in tackling this directly - remember the saying “Never wrestle with a pig - as you both get dirty - but the pig loves it”

Get the officials to do their job and to pull up the manager who isn’t doing his.

DFOD · 23/10/2021 22:47

@logsonlogsoff

‘He's not bothered I said I will mention it to the welfare officer but he said I'm not fussed I'm not gay I don't give a shit if she or anyone else thinks I am, there's nothing wrong with it, she's a loud mouthed idiot. We have had several discussions tonight as a family about it and each time that's his response!’

If you let this lie then you’re part of the problem. It’s the collective silence that helps perpetuate bullying, abuse, sexual abuse, racism and homophobia. Perhaps you dont think it’s really affecting your child now as he’s ‘okay’ about it but is he? Really? And what about next time, what if it’s something else he feels he shouldn’t make a ‘fuss’ about, something that really does affect him.

And what message is he getting about being gay?
Is he getting a positive message? It’s an okay message? Not really, right? What if he’s gay? Or his bestie comes out? Or his sister? Or anyone he knows? He’s going to have this experience in his head.
Sort it.

Maybe your DS isn’t bothered - that’s great (or maybe he is and it’s bravado or doesn’t want to make a fuss) - however as PP have said we all have a collective responsibility to stamp this out for others down the line even if it’s not for ourselves.

Original poster

Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 22:52

Just because he's not bothered by it doesn't mean I'm going to let it lie, I am going to report it to the clubs welfare and let them deal with it, I don't want to cause a scene at the side of the pitch and be just like her

OP posts:

Ohmygodyesthatsit · 23/10/2021 22:58

@Porkpiesarespicy, definitely the right way to go all this baying for blood is embarrassing like people really would do what they are saying

RAFHercules · 23/10/2021 23:12

OMG, as the mother of mixed race, curly haired sons, (one of whom is gay) I want to brutally murder her with my bare hands.
Your approach is better though, complain in writing until she is banned. It's a hate crime and shouldn't be tolerated.

JBEM4 · 23/10/2021 23:18

@Porkpiesarespicy

Just because he's not bothered by it doesn't mean I'm going to let it lie, I am going to report it to the clubs welfare and let them deal with it, I don't want to cause a scene at the side of the pitch and be just like her

Calling this woman out on her behaviour doesn't need to be done in a confrontational or aggressive way.

Simply standing next to her, casually chatting, and slipping "so are you going to call my son a gay boy with me standing next to you?" should be enough.

If she's as brash and loud mouthed as you stated it's probably because 1) that's the norm for her and she doesn't see the issue or 2) no one has had the nerve to call her out on it.

Does she aim verbal abuse at others or is she singling out your son?

AnnieSnap · 23/10/2021 23:18

[quote Ohmygodyesthatsit]@AnnieSnap I couldn't agree more all this slap her, drag her around shout obscenities at her really? That's really not how grown ups behave is it?[/quote]
Not those we hope to be, or be near to for sure 😮