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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

268 replies

Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:17

I gave birth on Wednesday and since been home my mum and partner have just argued so I made my mum leave. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel everything is going wrong since my baby was born.
Here’s for the Aibu my partner has 3 other children with his ex, he asked her if we could have the weekend off having them considering I had just had a baby and was so emotional and I also think baby is a bit jaundice. She has kicked off saying no we’re selfish horrible people and we have to have them, we have them every single weekend without fail we never miss one and have them every single school holiday but she’s making our life a misery everything is on her terms and we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children. we said we would compromise and still have them for a few hours so they could meet there new sibling but even that wasn’t enough and she’s told us we have to have them all weekend. I’m really struggling with feeling so emotional and in pain my birth didn’t go to plan so I’m feeling a little low over that too. Am I being selfish for not wanting them all weekend or is she?

OP posts:
user512 · 23/10/2021 14:20

Good grief, those poor children, what a mess. Why on Earth have another child, I can't feel any empathy here for you OP.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 23/10/2021 14:22

@Honeycomb129

So if two different doctors told you there was no way you’d be able to successfully carry another child you would think they was wrong well obviously I’m stupid for taking their word
Not being able to carry a pregnancy to term is different from not being able to conceive, though, isn't it? I'm not trying to kick you when you're clearly feeling down, but please sort out contraception before you resume having sex.
Wintermagic · 23/10/2021 14:25

I have all the children in bed with me having cuddles watching a movie

Is that a good idea around a newborn with RSV being even more nasty this year? What is he doing then?

DelphiniumBlue · 23/10/2021 14:38

I hope DP is now able to feed and look after his children.
A few thoughts occur to me:
If he is police officer working shifts, how come you have his DC every weekend, when presumably at least half the time he isn't there? Are you looking after them then? If so, you can stop that . I can't see that you need to have them unless he's there.
Secondly, I'd put money on his ex accepting fewer weekends with him rather than none, as she clearly likes her own weekends free. She might make threats but I doubt she'll carry them through in the long term.
Thirdly, if you are feeding them rather than DP she really has no grounds to comment on what they eat. Both she and DP should be grateful you are feeding them at all. It's their job, not yours.
I think you are protecting DP and her from having to look after their own children. If she wants to have a go at someone for not doing things to her liking, let her direct it at DP. You don't have to wash, cook and shop for these children, and your effort is clearly not appreciated or reciprocaled.
I'd suggest you stay in bed with your children for as long as you can. Tell DP that far from running around after everyone else, you need help.
As soon as you are able , go to your mum and rest a bit more there.
I really don't like the sound of your DP, he would actually let your lovely mum who is there to support you go home , and then expect you to look after 7 DC 3 days after giving birth! He and his ex are users.
You have to stop pandering to them now, or their demands will get worse. Call their bluff.

Lollypop701 · 23/10/2021 14:46

Call ex’s bluff… she ‘might’ keeps kids away for a weekend or even 2 but I really don’t think that will last. Honestly, I would have sent all siblings home when elder one went, then told dh to take yours out to wear them out, whilst you rest. As for healthy food, feed them whatever you want and tell ex to bugger off. A lot of the problems seem to be around your dh not standing up to ex, which needs to change pronto. I wouldn’t stand being second to an ex in this way. Good luck op

diddl · 23/10/2021 14:51

So the 13yr old has gone back to his mums, but the 10yr old & 7yr olds at least can entertain themselves, pick up after themselves & help out!

Hadjab · 23/10/2021 15:06

@MrsRobbieHart

I wish I had a pound for every pregnant woman who said she was told she couldn’t have children.
Bitchy comment!
LettertoHermoine · 23/10/2021 15:18

@KiwiDramaQueen I understand that but some of the comments were incredibly hurtful, judgmental and condescending and that is not what this lady needs now. I am sure her kids are very much wanted, loved and taken care of by her. She has just given birth and people are questioning and judging her on having this baby. That's what I find disgusting.

OP congratulations on your new arrival, I see you and I hear you. In my eyes you did absolutely nothing wrong in requesting a weekend off after giving birth 3 days ago. The kids come every weekend religiously as they should, one weekend when you are still sore, hormonal and quite simply, already have your hands full, is not selfish at all.

Ignore the naysayers and the judgmental gimps who question your choice to carry and give birth to this little baby. You are playing a blinder.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 15:18

Well I’m now completely out of action just had to take newborn to see midwife who are now sending him back to hospital with jaundice so he’ll have to cope

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 23/10/2021 15:18

Hang on a min, you have the step children EVERY weekend and EVERY school holiday? When do they get quality time with their own mother? Sounds to me like she just can't be arsed with her own children. PP are right, DP needs to call her bluff. She cannot stop contact altogether and a court would grant a reasonable amount of access.

olympicsrock · 23/10/2021 15:18

Despite the comments , 60% of us think YANBU so be kind to yourself.

RobertaFirmino · 23/10/2021 15:19

Oh, and I hope your little baby is soon on the mend. And you too, obviously.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 15:22

@RobertaFirmino thank you

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 23/10/2021 15:24

I hope your little one is ok. Congratulations by the way!
I do think it is very selfish of his ex not to have their children for one weekend. It doesn’t matter whose turn it is or anything like that - it’s called being a kind, considerate human being!
Hopefully, after your dp has had the children whilst you return to hospital, he may appreciate how much hard work it is. I would just let him get on and deal with the children all weekend. They may not have everything they need, but it’s for one weekend.
You try and rest and enjoy your new baby.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 15:28

@FlamingoQueen thank you

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 23/10/2021 15:46

We aren’t allowed to feed them on takeaways she tells us we have to feed them fresh everything

They eat what you choose when with you. Your DP needs to stop pandering to her nonsense. You had the dc for a week when she gave birth? But she wouldn’t give you a weekend? What a cow! And doesn’t work?

Hope yo7 get a rest in hospital. Time to poke the bear and get your DP actually do8ng shit for his own (2nd) family when you get out.

JudgementalCactus · 23/10/2021 15:48

@Honeycomb129

So if two different doctors told you there was no way you’d be able to successfully carry another child you would think they was wrong well obviously I’m stupid for taking their word
But not being able to successfully carry a pregnancy does not mean you are also unable to get pregnant.

You must have known that, and even if you didn't at first, you would have realised it after that miscarriage.

Why would you choose not to use contraception when you knew a pregnancy would probably be dangerous to you or end in a loss?

You need to take responsibility for your choices.

PerseverancePays · 23/10/2021 15:50

Sounds like the ex is very indulged. Why does everyone pander to her tantrums? Let her take your partner to court and you will soon get a much more reasonable contact schedule where she’s pulling her weight.
Food wise, unless you are feeding them pot noodles, crisps and sweets, she can stop with the constant criticism. Grey rock that. She’s only got the idea that she has so much control because everyone is playing along. Just stop. She sounds like a toddler; ‘I’ll scream and cream until I’m sick!’
Crack on!

JaneDoe21 · 23/10/2021 15:51

*But not being able to successfully carry a pregnancy does not mean you are also unable to get pregnant.

You must have known that, and even if you didn't at first, you would have realised it after that miscarriage.

Why would you choose not to use contraception when you knew a pregnancy would probably be dangerous to you or end in a loss?

You need to take responsibility for your choices.*

Completely agree with this. I had 3 stillborns in one go as my body could not cope with pregnancy anymore. I went on the implant soon as I could as I couldn't leave my living children without a mother.
You were very irresponsible to have another baby and not use contraception after being told that. It could be a completely different story right now you and your baby could of died. Please get on contraception.

JaneDoe21 · 23/10/2021 15:53

But I do hope your little one is well soon. But sort out that idiot husband of yours!
It's been a while since I've seen a post that's made me annoyed like this, you must both take responsibility for your own actions. You are not a victim. You choose this OP.

ivykaty44 · 23/10/2021 15:55

Wellcopngratulations on baby

sorry you have the baby blues - they are a bit rubbish and with 7/8 children its a handful

Id get a couple of large pizza for the little ones and something like fish and oven chips to pop in the oven afterward to cook

no one can dictate what you cook and if she wants to stop your dh from seeing the dc then atm that'll probably suit you more than her so call her bluff

starfishmummy · 23/10/2021 15:55

Take yourself to bed with the baby. Make sure you have a drink and some food to hand and then send your partner and the rest of the kids out to the park or somewhere for the rest of the afternoon. They can have fish and chips or pizzas and bring something back for you.

minimecantrollerskate · 23/10/2021 16:12

OP, sorry that your baby has to go back to hospital now, but it does mean that your DP will now HAVE to cope, and just get on and make the best of it.

Everybody is capable of putting stuff in the oven, so he can clearly cook something, even if its chicken nuggets and chips or pizza. He is capable of making beans on toast or a sandwich. He is capable of making something that they can eat. XW can go whistle on that one as long as they are fed something.

You need to stop and not do anything, or he will never step up, and this has now forced the issue.

I can understand why you didn't want the SC there, but also it could have made them feel pushed out and the problem wasn't them or the XW, it was your DP for not taking on the workload so all you had to do was look after the baby.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 23/10/2021 16:19

What sad reading. You gave birth on Wednesday. Holy shit if that was me I'd have still been in hospital.

You poor thing, it's such an overwhelming time nevermind with additional drama.

Congratulations on the arrival of your little baby and please take care of yourself in any way you can. Talk to your health visitor?

I'm sad for you. Ideally there would be wider family caring for all the siblings while you recover from the birth and get to know your baby.

SunshineCake1 · 23/10/2021 16:23

You need to stop doing things for him to make him realise you can not and should not do everything and stop dancing to the exes tune.

Cook for the kids and yourself and eat with them. He can feed himself.
Wash the kids and your clothes. He can do his.
Stop having sex with him as you are too tired with all the kids and house stuff.

Or, talk to him firmly, calmly but with an icy steel so he knows you mean business and he has to grow the fuck up.

Apologise to your mum. Tell her she was right and you are grateful for all her help and support.