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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

268 replies

Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:17

I gave birth on Wednesday and since been home my mum and partner have just argued so I made my mum leave. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel everything is going wrong since my baby was born.
Here’s for the Aibu my partner has 3 other children with his ex, he asked her if we could have the weekend off having them considering I had just had a baby and was so emotional and I also think baby is a bit jaundice. She has kicked off saying no we’re selfish horrible people and we have to have them, we have them every single weekend without fail we never miss one and have them every single school holiday but she’s making our life a misery everything is on her terms and we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children. we said we would compromise and still have them for a few hours so they could meet there new sibling but even that wasn’t enough and she’s told us we have to have them all weekend. I’m really struggling with feeling so emotional and in pain my birth didn’t go to plan so I’m feeling a little low over that too. Am I being selfish for not wanting them all weekend or is she?

OP posts:
Affjo · 23/10/2021 13:02

Congrats OP! Please get off mumsnet and enjoy your newborn. Please

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 13:04

@Affjo thank you think your right

OP posts:
Bellaphant · 23/10/2021 13:06

So you've spent the last four years pregnant or just post birth and cooking for his kids every weekend?

No wonder you are tired and your mum is worried. Your mum and people on this thread are trying to look out for you.

NormanStangerson · 23/10/2021 13:07

Jesus, these threads make for uncomfortable viewing.

Whatever you think of the OP’s choices, between them they have seven children and it sounds like the OP is doing everything for them and the house, while coping with what sounds like the beginning of PND.

The biggest takeaway here is that your partner is utterly useless, lazy, quite possibly wildly sexist (a frightening trait in a police officer), too weak to stand up to his ex (really, she could have had them for one weekend but it sounds like the whole relationship has completely broken down) feckless and also, so selfish and inflammatory (again, not good in an officer) that he started a fight with your mum, who it sounds like was you only support in this.

I’m sorry, OP. He’s your main problem.

HollowTalk · 23/10/2021 13:08

Congratulations on your baby.

I wouldn't take one bit of notice of his ex. She can't tell him what to feed the children when they are with him, just as he can't do the same to her. Is she really saying that she has that right?

What is she going to do, stop them coming at all? That is very very unlikely isn't it?

Of course she should've offered to keep the children over the weekend if it was too much for you. You did the same for her and that was very kind of you.

Your partner needs to stand up for you and stand up to her. He also needs to learn how to bloody well cook!

EKGEMS · 23/10/2021 13:09

It's a crying shame your Mom left due to arguments with your partner (especially as she hopefully was advocating for you it seems!) Congrats on the new baby. I hope he steps up and does what your Mom would've done but I'm not holding my breath. Please consider reliable contraception especially if you're expected to do all the care for your children and stepchildren on top of stressful and demanding paramedic work in a pandemic.

Mjjbgfessrgb · 23/10/2021 13:11

Did she have the children on the weekends when you had the 2 y/o and 18 m/o?

RussianSpy101 · 23/10/2021 13:12

YABU. Why shouldn’t they still go to their dads.

olympicsrock · 23/10/2021 13:14

Wow I’m horrified at how much flack OP is taking . She is feeling low just had a baby and is unsupported. There are some vipers around today!

OP YANBU ! to want to prioritise yourself for the next few days. You are not being selfish, you need rest , support and time to bond with your baby .

Great big hug coming down the wire from me OP. Xxx

Caelus · 23/10/2021 13:14

Some of these responses are ridiculous. If handled correctly, the step-children will not feel rejected, pushed out etc. The OP clearly has no intention of pushing them aside because of her new baby as she already has three children and hasn't done so. This initial period of having just had a child, especially when they arrive a wee bit earlier than expected, is really overwhelming and new mums are dealing with a lot going on in their own bodies, not to mention coping with the demands of a new, tiny baby. Everyone in a family has to be accommodating when a new baby arrives - it would not be some huge trauma to have the children over for an afternoon so they can meet their new sibling , especially since OP and her DP had his children for a full week when his ex had her baby! All this nonsense about children feeling rejected and traumatised if they have a slightly different contact arrangement due to a family event is adult projection and is totally avoidable if the adults handle things effectively. I think the children should be able to come over to meet their sibling and see their dad - they are part of the family - but having a few hours instead of a full weekend on isolated occasions is not the end of the world. It's ok for children to know that sometimes, adults in the family have needs too that sometimes take priority.

bunnybopbop · 23/10/2021 13:14

A plan should have been put in place for the ex - if you had the baby earlier or whenever. To have a plan put together. Rather simple and would've saved you a lot of agg.

You've got 3 under 3, plus 4 more kids between you? So you're gonna have 7 kids every weekend? And the guy can't even put a spag bowl on and clean a kitchen?

You need to get more of a backbone not to put up with this, and he needs to get a backbone and feed his kids what he wants. A takeaway on the weekend or whatever. And he also needs to grow the fuck up. 7 kids between you and he can't even cook.

I mean this kindly, but why on earth did you bring a 7th child into this mess? I don't think you're being unreasonable for asking for a weekend but the whole organisation of this is piss poor and the kids will be suffering as well as you.

Please don't have any more kids with this bloke. You've made a rod for your own back here by choosing to have another baby with him when he can't even do the basics around a house and feed the kids. I don't know what you expected tbh, he's useless.

LettertoHermoine · 23/10/2021 13:18

@Georgieporgie29

Bloody hell you’re getting a bit of a kicking on here op. Firstly Flowers congratulations on your baby. I agree that your partners ex could have kept the children this weekend, but now that hasn’t happened I would say have an easy weekend, don’t do anything. Let your partner run around after them and honestly just get a takeaway. I wouldn’t care what his ex says, he has equal say in what his children eat. Maybe he needs to start standing up to her a bit more. Enjoy your baby and please don’t listen to people having a moan about how many children you have, it’s none of their business.
Well said! Cannot get over the bashing OP is getting on here. How dare anyone comment on how many kids you have. Disgusting.
MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 13:24

@Honeycomb129

I have all the children in bed with me having cuddles watching a movie
And he is doing what??
Bonbon21 · 23/10/2021 13:27

Congratulations on the new baby.
I hope you feel brighter soon when things calm down a wee bit.
Perhaps you could consider putting things on a more formal footing regarding finances and arrangements for your stepkids. From what you have said you are more of a parent to them than their mother is, doesnt sound like she would stop access, even if she could as she has it all her own way right now.
The kids sound secure and its great you have such a positive relationship with them. But you , BOTH, need to make changes.. you cant keep doing everything for everybody, and your other half has at least to learn how to cook and otherwise take some of the pressure off you.
As for your Mum.. I think apologies are required... she was fighting your corner.. maybe not tactfully , maybe not coming across quite as she could have, but with your best interests in her heart. As you would fight for YOUR kids... and I include the stepchildren in that.
You sound like a lovely Mum.
Take care and try to get some rest.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 13:29

Why hasn’t he taken the other kids out? Why are they all in with you?

Also surely if you were told you wouldn’t be able to carry a baby you must’ve realised an early arrival was a possibility?

BurntO · 23/10/2021 13:30

Ex’s mum is not being unreasonable on saying no. If your mums opinion on this is what caused hostility in the house then she wasn’t helping and leaving was probably the best option.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 23/10/2021 13:30

@Honeycomb129

Oh and yes we have to agree or everything she says or she gets nasty and refuses to speak to him and gets solicitors involved and stops them coming over unless we have them every week
This is a longer term issue though and you're focussing your ire on the wrong person. Your partner needs to step up. Surely you'd had 37 weeks of conversation about how things would have to work in the immediate weeks after the birth?
Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 13:34

@Bonbon21 thank you so much you’re words mean a lot really needed that

OP posts:
darklindor · 23/10/2021 13:41

You sound like wonder woman to me OP. How do you manage all that? Flowers

Babyroobs · 23/10/2021 13:41

I'm on the fence with this. I can see why you would want some quiet time under the circumstances but then again if all the children lived with you full time, you would just have to cope. As others have said maybe just shut yourself away and get some rest whilst your partner deals with his kids. Congratulations.

bluebeck · 23/10/2021 13:48

I think you have a DP problem. Flowers

Agree with PP - shut yourself away and tell him if he can't stand up to his ex, he will have to get stuck in and do all the work. Don't get out of bed.

SunnyMustard · 23/10/2021 13:57

No matter if you are reasonable or not – well done for delivering a baby!! Flowers

Sorry it didn't all go according to plan – this can be very traumatic and you may need some time to process and regain your strength. Physical exhaustion makes you emotionally drained too. Make sure to eat and drink properly and let your husband figure some of the practical and relational stuff out.

You just had a baby so cut yourself some slack. You've probably been running on adrenaline the first few days and now you're entering the emotional crying stage. THIS IS NORMAL and the people around you should be rallying to take care of you right now rather than the other way around. If you broke your leg I bet people would be more understanding!!

Wonder why she can't be more flexible? Maybe its emotional for the ex to see you both have a baby and skipping one weekend feels like rejecting the "old" family? Devils advocate might argue: if they were your own kids you could not just skip a weekend ... you would just have to deal with it.

Either case. Take care.

DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping · 23/10/2021 14:02

I clicked YABU because it’s not fair to exclude your stepkids, especially when your bio children are all there. It’s actually your partner who’s the hugely unreasonable one, though; what a fucking useless excuse for a ‘father’. Hmm

KiwiDramaQueen · 23/10/2021 14:15

@LettertoHermoine

I don’t think people are judging her for the number of kids, they’re questioning her judgment for continuing to have children with a guy who has shown he can’t care for his existing kids.

Either way OP you are where you are and can’t turn back time but this is your life and your kids lives and you need to start taking ownership of it.

Demand and expect more of your DP - now - or start making plans to leave. You deserve better from a partner and your kids deserve better from their dad.

MsDidoTwite · 23/10/2021 14:15

Bloody hell, you’ve got it tough but it’s a situation of your own making and one that can’t be rectified now. Your DP absolutely has to step up. You can’t (and shouldn’t be looking after any of the dc with a newborn). I’d try and get your mum back ASAP as she’s the only one sticking up for you. And FFS don’t have any more with your DP.