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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

268 replies

Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:17

I gave birth on Wednesday and since been home my mum and partner have just argued so I made my mum leave. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel everything is going wrong since my baby was born.
Here’s for the Aibu my partner has 3 other children with his ex, he asked her if we could have the weekend off having them considering I had just had a baby and was so emotional and I also think baby is a bit jaundice. She has kicked off saying no we’re selfish horrible people and we have to have them, we have them every single weekend without fail we never miss one and have them every single school holiday but she’s making our life a misery everything is on her terms and we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children. we said we would compromise and still have them for a few hours so they could meet there new sibling but even that wasn’t enough and she’s told us we have to have them all weekend. I’m really struggling with feeling so emotional and in pain my birth didn’t go to plan so I’m feeling a little low over that too. Am I being selfish for not wanting them all weekend or is she?

OP posts:
Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 12:47

I assume this amazing man hasn’t reduced the maintenance he pays his ex since you moved in with your child and then had 3 more?

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:48

His mum is around but she’s recovery from cancer and having a huge op to remove most of her liver due to cancer

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:48

No he hasn’t reduced maintenance at all

OP posts:
Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 12:49

Police officers must earn a lot more than I thought.

Thesearmsofmine · 23/10/2021 12:50

All that needs to happen is your partner takes the kids out this afternoon, runs them around the park for a couple of hours to fire them out, maybe visit grandparents for a bit, on the way back they pop to the shop and get some pizzas or pasta and sauce, they come back he feeds them they watch a film and he puts them to bed.

JaneDoe21 · 23/10/2021 12:50

So you planned a 7th baby knowing how useless he was? ConfusedHmm

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:51

If you read what i put I didn’t think I could have another baby from what doctors told me

OP posts:
Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 12:51

You had losses. And existing children. You knew it was possibility. Take some agency for y out r own choices!

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 12:52

*Your own

MattHancocksSexTape · 23/10/2021 12:52

The ex will not stop your DP having the children. He needs to step up and change the schedule.

I bet he spends most of the weekend out of the house too. So instead of him parenting his kids, it all falls on you?

He needs to tell her ‘he’ can’t have the kids. If she threatens court, then so be it. A structured court arrangement is likely to be better than every weekend with everything falling on your shoulders.

MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 12:53

So has he had the vasectomy OP?

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:53

So if two different doctors told you there was no way you’d be able to successfully carry another child you would think they was wrong well obviously I’m stupid for taking their word

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 12:54

I wish I had a pound for every pregnant woman who said she was told she couldn’t have children.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 12:55

There’s a difference between not able to get pregnant and not able to carry to term.

Georgieporgie29 · 23/10/2021 12:55

Bloody hell you’re getting a bit of a kicking on here op.
Firstly Flowers congratulations on your baby.
I agree that your partners ex could have kept the children this weekend, but now that hasn’t happened I would say have an easy weekend, don’t do anything. Let your partner run around after them and honestly just get a takeaway. I wouldn’t care what his ex says, he has equal say in what his children eat. Maybe he needs to start standing up to her a bit more.
Enjoy your baby and please don’t listen to people having a moan about how many children you have, it’s none of their business.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:56

Well either way I was told I wouldn’t be able to have another child after my 18 month old so I’m sorry I was stupid enough To get pregnant and actually keep my baby

OP posts:
Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 12:56

I mean. If a doctor - or two - told me I wouldn’t be able to carry to term I’d be sorting out contraception so I didn’t have more losses.

Especially where there were 6 children already in the mix.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:57

@Georgieporgie29 thank you really appreciate your words

OP posts:
CoisFarraige1 · 23/10/2021 12:58

@Honeycomb129

So if two different doctors told you there was no way you’d be able to successfully carry another child you would think they was wrong well obviously I’m stupid for taking their word
If I had had two children with less than a year between them and then got pregnant again straight away and had a miscarriage I would certainly be taking precautions - even to avoid another miscarriage as it was clear you could get pregnant and do so very easily.

Also why did you have your 18 month so soon after having your 3 year old? When you knew your partner was useless and had an additional 3 children to care for alongside your own child too. The mind boggles. I feel sorry for all those poor children. Do they even have their own space in your house?

It’s all well and good blaming the ex, blaming the doctors. You seem determined to take zero responsibility for your own actions and choices.

Georgewontsleepnow · 23/10/2021 12:59

Stop being a martyr.

Your OH (DH?) is useless to moan about cooking for his SIX biological kids a couple of times. And food shop- whoopty-do. What a hero.

You being told you couldn't carry a baby, was the plan to rely on reoccurring miscarriages? Being medical, you know how babies happen and had a miscarriage after hearing the prognosis, so the responsibility it still yours/OH.

Congratulations on your baby. No one is trying to say you're not doing enough. It's your partner that seems pathetic and useless. And for two women to give him three kids each seems to reward his selfish and lazy nature. He needs to step up- not you. He's responsible for your mum leaving, so he can do the jobs she'd have taken on for you. Stay in bed, cuddle and feed your newborn. The two other Little's will need your cuddles too I imagine.

takingmytimeonmyride · 23/10/2021 13:00

I don't think YABU, but I do think your partner and his ex are. Who is she to tell you what you can and can't feed them while they're in your care? Why can't your partner bloody cook? He's an adult? Why can't his kids cook, they're certainly old enough to start helping. Recipe books are things that exist to help with this.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down and now have to cope with all this shit from other people.

VodselForDinner · 23/10/2021 13:00

I’m guessing this prince hasn’t married you?

Redjumper1 · 23/10/2021 13:01

Your DP needs to pull his weight. Why was your Mother there? If she has helping you then your DP should have just fit it, if it was helping you.

I am from a big family and whenever a new baby arrived my Dad took over for a few weeks. Its the only way it can work.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 13:01

I have all the children in bed with me having cuddles watching a movie

OP posts:
Muddywellies10 · 23/10/2021 13:01

Congratulations on your baby! It sounds like you are day 3/day 4 post birth so potentially your milk will be coming in and hormones massively swirling? Be kind to yourself and try to get whatever rest you can. I remember spending day 3 in tears every time. Hope your partner steps up with the cooking and cleaning. Agree with comments about re evaluating every weekend access with step children and there is nothing wrong with the odd takeaway!