Friend forward facing her 9 month old

[JimHairy]

My friend has a 9 month old DS who she has started front facing in the car. She has a Cosatto rotating car seat and her reasoning is that her son sometimes gets upset when rear facing and is a lot happier when facing forward. This is true, but from being in the car with him previously he’s not that bad in rear facing, just gets a bit frustrated and wriggly but he does settle after about 10 minutes.

She’s a great parent and also has a 7 year old. I’m a FTM so I feel really awkward giving her advice but it’s really really worrying me that her DS is unsafe in the car. This is compounded by a local incident that happened a few years ago where a child died in a head on collision due to an improperly fitted car seat. This is always in my mind.

So far, I’ve sent her the government advice sheet about car seat safety that says to rear face as long as possible and at least until 15 months but she just said that her car seat says it’s ok forward facing babies from 9 months. I didn’t argue, just said I’d seen that it wasn’t advised to forward face so early.

I feel I’ve done what I can by sending her the information and she’s now making an informed decision to forward face, even though it’s clearly very wrong. The other problem (although less so) is that she keeps telling me I should forward face my DS who’s the same age because he hates the car. I’ve said I’d rather he was safe and temporarily unhappy, but she argues that it’s cruel to make him so unhappy even for short periods and the chances of an accident are really low. I won’t be forward facing my DS and he’ll be rear facing as long as possible.

WWYD? Do I keep sending her info or just leave it now?

No, I wouldn’t be giving her my opinion on this. But I also wouldn’t listen to her opinion on rear facing either. I’d basically say something along the lines of “look, we clearly disagree on this issue, I will move my child front facing when I decide it is time, as you have done with your child. Let’s not discuss it anymore.”

My 2.5yr old still rear faces and tbh I don’t think anyone else notices or cares. You are both too invested in the other’s parenting choices. I know you’re coming at it from a safety angle, so I can understand why you felt like you had to say something (and if I was doing something that a good friend genuinely thought was a safety issue, I wouldn’t be annoyed at all at them mentioning it once), but you’ve done that now, so leave it.

You’ve sent the info once, if she doesn’t want to read it you won’t change her mind she’ll just dig in more. We had someone literally set an alarm to move baby forward facing the day they turned 9months and to start feeding at 4 months etc, despite the guidelines being against it. We didn’t say anything as would have just caused upset with them shouting at us and they had done what they wanted and their friends were doing the same validating them that they were right.

I agree with you that it's too young to be forward facing but hey, it's her choice.

I live in Australia where they used to routinely turn their babies forward facing at 6 months . I kept mine rear-facing until they were well past 2, despite the eyerolls I got from some people. Fuck them, I did what was right for my children and I HAD seen the internal decapitation videos and was pretty scared by them!

But some people even have a competitive streak over it - as in "oh is your baby still rear-facing? Little Johnny is so advanced and needed to see where he was going from 5m, so we turned him then, it's so much better for him".
No. Fuck off is it. But I had comments like this!

Honestly, my advice is stick your nose out of it. It isn’t your business and honestly what you’ve already sent her is ott already imo.

I think you should both learn some boundaries about giving unwanted advice!

@TheYearOfSmallThings

In real life, I see most kids in forward facing seats

Me too. 99% of them. I am always fascinated by this reality gap, because on Mumsnet everyone rear faces their children until 4 or 5 (at least). In real life I don't know anyone who does after about 1 year, and the child is being awkwardly shoehorned in by that stage.

Because a lot of MN I Imagine drive a big enough car to allow to RF until primary school - I drive a big standard Ford and have twins and means adults in front have to have seat all the way back - RF not practical

My best friend, my sister in law all did the same. These are well educated professionals - one a doctor the other a lawyer! I did mention it briefly to them but that’s my bit done. And no they didn’t change the positioning or car seat. Just think people will make their own choices. But I know how you feel OP mine rear-faced until they were over 3

It really hasnt got anything to do with you. She has made an informed choice. Stop being a busybody. She is doing nothing illegal.

My DC are adults so not something I have to think about. But I took a journey with a friend who had her grandchild in a rear facing seat (he’s 18 months). He screamed virtually the whole time. She was also lost and trying to figure out where to go, he kept screaming, she ended up virtually in tears. I think that was far more dangerous than him just facing forward in the first place! I felt sorry for the child all scrunched up just facing a seat, with nothing to look at and no interaction. I wasn’t surprised he doesn’t like it. When someone’s driving they need to be 100% concentrating on the road. A young child screaming their head off is a dangerous distraction.

Thanks everyone who’s been constructive.

The Plan is not to mention it again (I wasn’t anyway) and when she brings it up again, to just say I’ll forward face him when I feel it’s time.

I’m out for coffee with her later, I’m going to ask if I offended her when I sent her the advice sheet and apologise if I did. She’ll probably look at me like I’ve grown an extra head but you’ve made me conscious that she might have been annoyed by that. She sent me an article about the risk of bouncers and ‘contained baby syndrome’ when the babies were about 4 months though so I can’t imagine she minded. I certainly didn’t.

Thanks again.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

In real life, I see most kids in forward facing seats

Me too. 99% of them. I am always fascinated by this reality gap, because on Mumsnet everyone rear faces their children until 4 or 5 (at least). In real life I don't know anyone who does after about 1 year, and the child is being awkwardly shoehorned in by that stage.

Yeah agree entirely. It's like a parallel universe!

@KatieKoala

You are lovely to care so much. Yes, she's technically breaking the law and we all know rear facing is safer. But....how involved can anyone really get in their friends' parenting decisions.

I know people cough...SIL who do things like give their small children wine to get them used to it, leave their babies at home with the baby monitor on and just give the other end to a neighbour so they can go out for dinner and so on.

Not things I would do, but not really my business.

I think I would point it out once and leave it. It is a bit tricky though, when a friend's choices with their dcs are really different to your own. But that's life really!

Technically she may not be breaking the law. Certain car seats can be forward facing according to weight, not age, at 9kg. That’s the low end of average for a 9 month old. Cosatto do sell seats that comply with this legal requirement. www.cosatto.com/collections/all-in-all-rotate/products/all-in-all-rotate-group-0-123-car-seat-fika-forest?nosto_source=cmp&nosto=6173d68ab688782c0d727662

Christ i forward faced DD in a rotating seat at 9 months. Only bought the rotating seat because better for my back. Dd would scream so much rear facing she would be sickall of which made my drivig erratic.

I would completely dump you as a friend.

Sounds like you both need to butt out of each others business and not send each other advice sheets unless asked!

You’re absolutely right, but someone who buys a cossatto car seat isn’t interested in car seat safety.

(Cossatto seats only meet U.K. regulations, not European ones which means they’re tested safe at a 30mph collision max, so both vehicles doing 15mph. Over that? Not certified or tested to be safe. Awful
Things and shouldn’t be allowed to be sold)

You both have a different approach to this. For the sake of you’re friendship you’ll have to agree to disagree and not discuss.

My daughter forward faced at 4, and my friends thought I was nuts. I’m fine with that.

Must read thread before posting!

Every child and parent is different so you do your thing and she will do hers. I didnt judge my friend for rear facing until 4.

@Meruem

My DC are adults so not something I have to think about. But I took a journey with a friend who had her grandchild in a rear facing seat (he’s 18 months). He screamed virtually the whole time. She was also lost and trying to figure out where to go, he kept screaming, she ended up virtually in tears. I think that was far more dangerous than him just facing forward in the first place! I felt sorry for the child all scrunched up just facing a seat, with nothing to look at and no interaction. I wasn’t surprised he doesn’t like it. When someone’s driving they need to be 100% concentrating on the road. A young child screaming their head off is a dangerous distraction.

That sounds awful. We’re lucky that both kids will settle and sleep after a few minutes. The longest I’ve known DS to cry for is 12 minutes but it wasn’t constant and he wasn’t screaming, just niggling. I ended up coming off the motorway to stop at services but by the time I’d stopped he’d gone to sleep . My friend thinks because he gets upset when you put him in his car seat that he’s unhappy in it and should be forward facing so I can comfort him. Now to me, if I’m driving I wouldn’t or at least shouldn’t be reaching back to comfort him anyway so there’s no benefit to forward facing.

@mogtheexcellent

Christ i forward faced DD in a rotating seat at 9 months. Only bought the rotating seat because better for my back. Dd would scream so much rear facing she would be sickall of which made my drivig erratic.

I would completely dump you as a friend.

You dump friends who don’t take your advice and send you the reason why they don’t agree? Why?

You are both way too over invested in each other's car seat choices. I honestly couldn't get worked up about this and am amazed its taking up so much space in your head.

Long time lurker but never posted before.

My eldest is 13. The advice was rear facing til 6 months at the time I think. Car journeys for the first six months were hell. She screamed snd screamed and screamed. Heavy traffic was unbearable and I almost had a nervous breakdown on one particular two mile journey in rain and heavy traffic which took almost two hours. I swear I was a more dangerous driver at that time than any other because my nerves were shot. It was like living with torture

Literally the day we changed to forward facing it all changed and she was fine. Weighing it all up I would honestly say that the risks of driving with my daughter in the car were far less when she was forward facing than rear.

Please, if that’s the case with your friends child, butt out. If she loves her child she will absolutely certainly be making what she feels is the best decision for her family. I remember hearing the advice had changed snd was SO relieved it hadn’t changed sooner. I swear we would have had a serious accident eventually.

I have a 7 year old and the rear facing thing has come in since then so I don't know the latest rules but personally -

• I have a child who is car sick a lot and was worse when rear facing
• even when rear facing as babies it used to scare me in case something went in the back of us they would be facing the impact/glass etc, so it may be better for their necks but I am not convinced on the rest of it, you also have to look at in the context of the car they are in and how well that is protecting them.

I'd leave your friend alone, her child her rules.

Not sure if it makes you feel better, but a dear friend of mine rents a 8seater every time she has to do a long drive and let her 1 year old free to roam in the back for the whole time (we are talking about 5+ hours trips)

I found this appealing honestly, but was can I say? I gently tell her to be careful and try to train her DD to stay in her seat everytime she mentions it, but I cannot physically restrain her from doing it.

I am secretly relieved everything they arrive safely to their destination.

rear facing until 9 months was the recommended until recently, mine are older now, what has changed? I'd be getting rid of you, the PFB friend, utterly painful. I didn't see a seatbelt when I was young, what the hell gives you the right to criticise what she does, when she has obviously kept her eldest alive.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose of course not. If someone wants to rear face their baby then that's their decision and I would never tell them not to.

I am, however, baffled as to where their legs fit. I can't imagine any child over 2 is comfortable.

@Meruem

My DC are adults so not something I have to think about. But I took a journey with a friend who had her grandchild in a rear facing seat (he’s 18 months). He screamed virtually the whole time. She was also lost and trying to figure out where to go, he kept screaming, she ended up virtually in tears. I think that was far more dangerous than him just facing forward in the first place! I felt sorry for the child all scrunched up just facing a seat, with nothing to look at and no interaction. I wasn’t surprised he doesn’t like it. When someone’s driving they need to be 100% concentrating on the road. A young child screaming their head off is a dangerous distraction.

Generalisations are a bit pointless though. For a child who screams in the car, or who gets very car sick then forward facing may be better. My DD is 2yrs 4 months and is fine rear facing. She chats away to herself, sings to herself, looks out the window, and if DH and I are both in the car he’ll sit in the back to chat to her but she’s happy being back there on her own. She’s also not scrunched up, but she is very short for her age and generally in 18m-2y clothes. Changing her now, when she still fits in the current car seat, would just be an additional faff and expense. Rear facing was never something I felt strongly about, and at this point it’s very much a “if it ain’t broke” sort of thinking. When she needs a new seat, she’ll forward face. But I wouldn’t presume to think that our experience of DD rear facing applied to everyone.