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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend forward facing her 9 month old

264 replies

JimHairy · 23/10/2021 09:01

My friend has a 9 month old DS who she has started front facing in the car. She has a Cosatto rotating car seat and her reasoning is that her son sometimes gets upset when rear facing and is a lot happier when facing forward. This is true, but from being in the car with him previously he’s not that bad in rear facing, just gets a bit frustrated and wriggly but he does settle after about 10 minutes.

She’s a great parent and also has a 7 year old. I’m a FTM so I feel really awkward giving her advice but it’s really really worrying me that her DS is unsafe in the car. This is compounded by a local incident that happened a few years ago where a child died in a head on collision due to an improperly fitted car seat. This is always in my mind.

So far, I’ve sent her the government advice sheet about car seat safety that says to rear face as long as possible and at least until 15 months but she just said that her car seat says it’s ok forward facing babies from 9 months. I didn’t argue, just said I’d seen that it wasn’t advised to forward face so early.

I feel I’ve done what I can by sending her the information and she’s now making an informed decision to forward face, even though it’s clearly very wrong. The other problem (although less so) is that she keeps telling me I should forward face my DS who’s the same age because he hates the car. I’ve said I’d rather he was safe and temporarily unhappy, but she argues that it’s cruel to make him so unhappy even for short periods and the chances of an accident are really low. I won’t be forward facing my DS and he’ll be rear facing as long as possible.

WWYD? Do I keep sending her info or just leave it now?

OP posts:
Franca123 · 23/10/2021 09:53

Keep well out of it. Unless someone is abusing their child or letting them play with knives, keep well out of it. It's not nearly dangerous enough to get involved. You're being a busy body.

Sofiegiraffe · 23/10/2021 09:57

@SpiceRat

You’ve tried. Honestly if she’s bought a cosatto seat she’s not that concerned about safety, as they’re known to be dogshit.

What?! This isn't true

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/10/2021 09:57

I'd rather lose a friendship and know that someone was kept safe and well

The reality is that you would lose the friendship and achieve nothing, because they would continue doing exactly what they were doing.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 23/10/2021 09:57

Just leave it.

Parents do things their own way and as your children get older there will be more and more differences in the choices that you make. You can end up with no friends if you "advise" them on stuff like this.

BurntO · 23/10/2021 09:59

I wouldn’t do anything. I would have a chat about it (which you have) and leave them too it.

chaosrabbitland · 23/10/2021 10:03

id leave her alone unless you want to fall out with her , hes her child how she seats him in the car really isnt your business , its not like shes neglecting and abusing him , you have advised her so to keep on at her is silly

pianolessons1 · 23/10/2021 10:04

She's an idiot who is putting her child's life at risk. I'd decide how much you value the friendship but she won't listen to your advice.

ImUninsultable · 23/10/2021 10:05

We are all full time mums.
Are you saying you're a stay at home mum?
And you think that makes you better at it?

They design car seats which can forward face a child from 9 months. That's against government advice but you cant do anything about it.

If you do speak to her again, dont go on about being a full time mum. We all are. Just because some of us work does not mean we are part time mums and it does not mean we are less capable than you.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 23/10/2021 10:05

Just butt out.

KatieKoala · 23/10/2021 10:06

@ImUninsultable

We are all full time mums. Are you saying you're a stay at home mum? And you think that makes you better at it?

They design car seats which can forward face a child from 9 months. That's against government advice but you cant do anything about it.

If you do speak to her again, dont go on about being a full time mum. We all are. Just because some of us work does not mean we are part time mums and it does not mean we are less capable than you.

She means First Time Mum I think
ImustLearn2Cook · 23/10/2021 10:06

@JimHairy Do you know if your friend is using a height based car seat or a weight based car seat? Following is a copy and paste of the legal requirements in the UK.

If her car seat is the weight based car seat then she is probably not doing anything wrong and you should respect it is her decision.

Height-based seats
Height-based seats are known as ‘i-Size’ seats. They must be rear-facing until your child is over 15 months old. Your child can use a forward-facing child car seat when they’re over 15 months old.

You must check the seat to make sure it’s suitable for the height of your child.

Only EU-approved height-based child car seats can be used in the UK. These have a label showing a capital ‘E’ in a circle and ‘R129’.
Weight-based seats
The seat your child can use (and the way they must be restrained in it) depends on their weight.

Only EU-approved weight-based child car seats can be used in the UK. These have a label showing a capital ‘E’ in a circle and ‘ECE R44’.
You may be able to choose from more than one type of seat in the group for your child’s weight.

Group Seats
0kg to 10kg 0 Lie-flat or ‘lateral’ baby carrier, rear-facing baby carrier, or rear-facing baby seat using a harness
0kg to 13kg 0+ Rear-facing baby carrier or rear-facing baby seat using a harness
9kg to 18kg 1 Rear- or forward-facing baby seat using a harness or safety shield
15kg to 25kg 2 Rear- or forward-facing child car seat (high-backed booster seat or booster cushion) using a seat belt, harness or safety shield
22kg to 36kg 3 Rear- or forward-facing child car seat (high-backed booster seat or booster cushion) using a seat belt, harness or safety shield

www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 23/10/2021 10:06

I was ready to say YABU (not your business and she's not necessarily wrong just because she does it differently to you) until I got to the part that she comments on your choices and seems to start the conversations about car seats.

You need to be firm and say that it is your choice for various reasons, it's not going to change and she needs to stop asking. If it bothers her that much then offer to drive places separately .

stingofthebutterfly · 23/10/2021 10:09

I've always had my children front facing. I know the risks and it's likely she will too. 'Advice' from a ftm would, in all honesty, piss me off. Just leave it.

ImustLearn2Cook · 23/10/2021 10:11

@ImUninsultable FTM stands for first time mum. Smile But if anyone ever tried to make out that working mums were part time mums then I like that you would verbally kick their ass Grin

Original poster
JimHairy · 23/10/2021 10:12

@ImUninsultable

We are all full time mums. Are you saying you're a stay at home mum? And you think that makes you better at it?

They design car seats which can forward face a child from 9 months. That's against government advice but you cant do anything about it.

If you do speak to her again, dont go on about being a full time mum. We all are. Just because some of us work does not mean we are part time mums and it does not mean we are less capable than you.

What on earth?? I’m not a full time mum, I’m a first time mum. I only have you misread, you’ve then made a completely weird leap.

Mumsnet is WILD. I’ve said multiple times I won’t be mentioning car seats to her, explained why I posted and taken the advice given here on board. In return, I’ve been accused of being an over invested, judgemental sanctimonious arsehole.

I came for a sense check, not to be piled on. Be kinder. Jesus.

OP posts:
LowlandLucky · 23/10/2021 10:12

Being old my children went into a car seat at 6 months, they only faced forward in those days thankfully things have improved. Can i ask how a 4 year old fits in a rear facing seat, where do there legs go ?

LapinR0se · 23/10/2021 10:13

My eldest had such bad motion sickness that she was forward facing from 10 months. The doctor said it was fine.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 23/10/2021 10:13

Good god, I always had my kids forward facing, which was just as well as I could see DS choking in my rear mirror

We cannot eliminate risk

If you are that scared, best not to drive at all. As that would significantly minimise car crash risk

I’m being serious. Have you considered if every single journey with your child is absolutely essential? If you want to minimise risk, don’t drive her anywhere ever.

Original poster
JimHairy · 23/10/2021 10:15

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

Good god, I always had my kids forward facing, which was just as well as I could see DS choking in my rear mirror

We cannot eliminate risk

If you are that scared, best not to drive at all. As that would significantly minimise car crash risk

I’m being serious. Have you considered if every single journey with your child is absolutely essential? If you want to minimise risk, don’t drive her anywhere ever.

We walk most of the time but not for this reason, just because fitting the prams in can be a nightmare! It’s a great point though, thank you.
OP posts:
modgepodge · 23/10/2021 10:18

@dementedpixie

In the UK the only advice is to rear face until 15 months in an iSize seat. I dont know anyone who has kept a child rear facing for longer than that
I’m always surprised by the people on here who claim they don’t know anyone who rear faces past 15 months - my daughter is 2.5 and rear faces and all the people I know with kids the same age do too 🤷‍♀️ I don’t know, maybe it’s a friendship circle thing, when I was looking for the next seat after infant carriers I asked other people with kids what they recommended and most have the spinning chairs which can do either, and are still using them rear facing. Are there communities of people who rear face and communities who forward face and the 2 shall never meet?!? (And when they do, arguments like the OP’s happen!)

OP - you’ve said your piece, move on. If she suggests forward facing again just say no, you prefer not to and ask her to move on.

To all the people who say ‘I forward faced mine and they survived’ - unless they were in the sort of car accident where FF/RF makes a difference and they still survived in not sure that’s relevant. No one is suggesting FF leads to instant death on every journey. Technically I could have got away with not wearing a seat belt in every car journey I’ve ever taken, as I’ve never been in an accident (touch wood!) It only matters when something happens!

Rosesareyellow · 23/10/2021 10:19

She's an idiot who is putting her child's life at risk

Aren’t we all though? A car seat, whether forward facing or not is never 100% protection. If you want that, don’t drive. Or don’t leave the house - people get run over on pavements too. If you choose to drive half an hour to a baby activity rather than finding something local to do, you are technically putting your child at risk unnecessarily…
Do you also judge people who choose to take the bus? Not even a seat belt there but they still go down the same 60mph country roads. What about people that cycle with a child seat on the back?
Some people have no perspective.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 23/10/2021 10:19

@stingofthebutterfly

I've always had my children front facing. I know the risks and it's likely she will too. 'Advice' from a ftm would, in all honesty, piss me off. Just leave it.
I bet you don't go round asking other mums to swap their babies to forward facing either.

That's the real issue here. OP and her friend have different ways to do things, but it's the friend that's pushing OP to change. OP is just responding to that with a pinch of "I'm in the right".

Opalfeet · 23/10/2021 10:20

It's not up to you, it's up to her. The chances of having a serious car crash with a child that young are very low. She can do her own cost benefit analysis, she's a grown woman. Many parents actually forward face a lot earlier than Mumsnet suggests

RealBecca · 23/10/2021 10:22

Next time she says about forward facing your son jsut be dorect and say youd rather be cruel and know you gave him the best possible chance of survival and couldnt live with the guilt but she is able to make her own decision and that neither of you will change your opinion so lets agree to disagree before ot ruins your friendship.

StonedRoses · 23/10/2021 10:25

People seem so over invested in the type of car seat when actually the risk is minimal and the difference is marginal. Far, far more risky is crossing the road with the pram

A few years ago what your friend was doing was the norm - and recommended. I don’t recall an epidemic of decapitated infants. The irony is that in that period cars have got safer for their occupants