Friend forward facing her 9 month old

[JimHairy]

My friend has a 9 month old DS who she has started front facing in the car. She has a Cosatto rotating car seat and her reasoning is that her son sometimes gets upset when rear facing and is a lot happier when facing forward. This is true, but from being in the car with him previously he’s not that bad in rear facing, just gets a bit frustrated and wriggly but he does settle after about 10 minutes.

She’s a great parent and also has a 7 year old. I’m a FTM so I feel really awkward giving her advice but it’s really really worrying me that her DS is unsafe in the car. This is compounded by a local incident that happened a few years ago where a child died in a head on collision due to an improperly fitted car seat. This is always in my mind.

So far, I’ve sent her the government advice sheet about car seat safety that says to rear face as long as possible and at least until 15 months but she just said that her car seat says it’s ok forward facing babies from 9 months. I didn’t argue, just said I’d seen that it wasn’t advised to forward face so early.

I feel I’ve done what I can by sending her the information and she’s now making an informed decision to forward face, even though it’s clearly very wrong. The other problem (although less so) is that she keeps telling me I should forward face my DS who’s the same age because he hates the car. I’ve said I’d rather he was safe and temporarily unhappy, but she argues that it’s cruel to make him so unhappy even for short periods and the chances of an accident are really low. I won’t be forward facing my DS and he’ll be rear facing as long as possible.

WWYD? Do I keep sending her info or just leave it now?

You've tried, gave your opinion and some information. But it's not for you to demand she parents in a certain way so time to back off now.

@BlackberrySky

You both sound rather invested in each others ' parenting choices to be honest. As a PP has said, these things can ruin friendships if you can't both accept that even good friends make choices you don't agree with.

I think that’s a bit strong. We’re friends who have children of the same age, of course were invested in each other’s kids we’ve spent the last 9 months seeing them most days.

There’s loads of things we do differently. She weaned at 4 months, I weaned at 6. I have a jumperoo, she thinks they’re dangerous and bad for development. I feed DS a mix of purée and finger food, she sticks to purée only. The kids are very very different so there’s loads of stuff I do that she doesn’t and vice versa.

I’m more than able to disagree with her and still love her and her children to bits.

You are lovely to care so much. Yes, she's technically breaking the law and we all know rear facing is safer. But....how involved can anyone really get in their friends' parenting decisions.

I know people cough...SIL who do things like give their small children wine to get them used to it, leave their babies at home with the baby monitor on and just give the other end to a neighbour so they can go out for dinner and so on.

Not things I would do, but not really my business.

I think I would point it out once and leave it. It is a bit tricky though, when a friend's choices with their dcs are really different to your own. But that's life really!

It's non of your business. Your friend has her baby in a good car seat, which is the main thing.

My son is nearly 8 now but I can tell you that at 9 months, he couldn't have comfortably been rear facing because he was too bloody big! He was a big baby who was also very long. I paid an arm and a leg for the best possible, isofix, forward facing seat with side impact protection. Yes, he was forward facing but he was as safe as he could be. If I were your friend, I'd have been bloody fuming if you'd had the nerve to criticise!

Not your business. We were forward facing ours as soon as they grew out of the first stage car seats at 5 or 6 months, this was 20+ years ago. Your friend may well be using a seat from her first. Youve pointed out the current advice to her. She's decided not to follow it. Not your place to push it further.

Or breaking the guidance I should say - breaking the law is probably over egging it a bit!

@KatieKoala

You are lovely to care so much. Yes, she's technically breaking the law and we all know rear facing is safer. But....how involved can anyone really get in their friends' parenting decisions.

I know people cough...SIL who do things like give their small children wine to get them used to it, leave their babies at home with the baby monitor on and just give the other end to a neighbour so they can go out for dinner and so on.

Not things I would do, but not really my business.

I think I would point it out once and leave it. It is a bit tricky though, when a friend's choices with their dcs are really different to your own. But that's life really!

Yeah this is where I’ve landed. I was never planning to demand she changed her ways, it was just whether when she mentions it I keep sending her resources or just give my reasons and leave it.

I’ll be giving my reasons for rear facing and leaving it.

YANBU but there's nothing you can do. I'd be very short with her telling you to so something so dangerous though. When I get advice like that I just say "no. It's not safe." But also stop telling her, she's made an informed decision, you don't agree with it but that's it.
DS is rear facing, he just outgrew his infant seat (supposed to last to 15 months. He's 5 months 🙄) and I've bought one that will rear face until he's 4. And he will.

What really helped with his moodiness in the car is getting a mirror, so I can see his face to make sure he's OK, and he can see me and the changing scenery more. I also play lullabies constantly to keep him calm.

Sounds like you both need to get out of each others business.

@KatieKoala

You are lovely to care so much. Yes, she's technically breaking the law and we all know rear facing is safer. But....how involved can anyone really get in their friends' parenting decisions.

I know people cough...SIL who do things like give their small children wine to get them used to it, leave their babies at home with the baby monitor on and just give the other end to a neighbour so they can go out for dinner and so on.

Not things I would do, but not really my business.

I think I would point it out once and leave it. It is a bit tricky though, when a friend's choices with their dcs are really different to your own. But that's life really!

If you know people who leave babies at home alone then you should be doing something about that......

P.S I RF until 4 years but you can’t tell others what to do with their children beyond educating if they’re wrong and then you have to butt out.

@PumpkinPie2016

It's non of your business. Your friend has her baby in a good car seat, which is the main thing.

My son is nearly 8 now but I can tell you that at 9 months, he couldn't have comfortably been rear facing because he was too bloody big! He was a big baby who was also very long. I paid an arm and a leg for the best possible, isofix, forward facing seat with side impact protection. Yes, he was forward facing but he was as safe as he could be. If I were your friend, I'd have been bloody fuming if you'd had the nerve to criticise!

Thank you. I haven’t criticised her and she’s not taken it that way so far. I sent her some resources once because she was saying her car seat said it was fine to forward face at 9 months which isn’t what the government advice is. It wasn’t done in an ‘I know better’ tone at all.

I don't think there's another option than to leave it. If it's an older style seat where forward facing is allowed from nine months then she's not breaking the law even if it's not the safest choice. On the same note though, she should stop commenting on your choice to keep your son rear facing. And if she keeps bringing it up then you wouldn't be wrong to tell her why you make the choice you did.

You do sound judgemental about her choices in general though (weaning, car seat, jumper). Maybe she feels that and that's why she's attacking your choices.

My niece and nephew have been front facing since 8 months. The reason being that they get carsick going backwards and I don't want them to choke.

It's down to their parents. Butt out. Yes it's not ideal but it's her choice to make.

@Cuddlyrottweiler

YANBU but there's nothing you can do. I'd be very short with her telling you to so something so dangerous though. When I get advice like that I just say "no. It's not safe." But also stop telling her, she's made an informed decision, you don't agree with it but that's it. DS is rear facing, he just outgrew his infant seat (supposed to last to 15 months. He's 5 months 🙄) and I've bought one that will rear face until he's 4. And he will.

What really helped with his moodiness in the car is getting a mirror, so I can see his face to make sure he's OK, and he can see me and the changing scenery more. I also play lullabies constantly to keep him calm.

I have one of those! DS was out of his infant carrier at 3 months so we bought an ERF car seat but at the rate he’s going he’ll be out of that by 2!

If she is using a weight based car seat then she isn't breaking the law by forward facing at 9 months. The guidance to rear face until 15 months only applies to ISize car seats. The weight based seats say you can forward face from 9kg which may be before or after 9 months.

It might not be as safe but it's not illegal

Your a FTM with access to google and a leaning towards being judgmental of others - butt out

She's not a FTM and even if she was she is capable of making her own parenting decisions - if the seat manufacturers say it's "safe" from 9 months so be it. It's not law to be RF it's a recommendation

@BlackberrySky

You both sound rather invested in each others ' parenting choices to be honest. As a PP has said, these things can ruin friendships if you can't both accept that even good friends make choices you don't agree with.

This. Both of them are interfering in each others parenting style. If you want to stay friends, you need to do your own thing and she does hers.

You're right about the car seat but it's not your place to go on about it.

Lots of people don't follow safety advice about car seats, prams etc and I find it frustrating too but I don't think you can say any more if you've said it once.

@ChorizoJacketPotato

Sounds like you both need to get out of each others business.

What makes you say that?

We’re close friends parenting 2 babies the same age. She’s given me tons and tons of advice and help right from the start because she’s done it before and I’m enormously grateful to her for it. Some advice I’ve taken, some I haven’t.

Not sure where on earth you’re getting any sense that we need to ‘butt out’ of each other’s lives - unless you were just being deliberately horrible for, what? Internet points?

In real life, I see most kids in forward facing seats

Me too. 99% of them. I am always fascinated by this reality gap, because on Mumsnet everyone rear faces their children until 4 or 5 (at least). In real life I don't know anyone who does after about 1 year, and the child is being awkwardly shoehorned in by that stage.

Do I keep sending her info or just leave it now?

What do you honestly think this is likely to achieve, other than you losing a friend? She's an adult making her own decisions about how to parent her child, it's none of your business.

There’s loads of things we do differently. She weaned at 4 months, I weaned at 6. I have a jumperoo, she thinks they’re dangerous and bad for development. I feed DS a mix of purée and finger food, she sticks to purée only. The kids are very very different so there’s loads of stuff I do that she doesn’t and vice versa.

If you didn’t care about these things then they wouldn’t even register with you. This sounds like an exhausting friendship - you’re both just judging each other and keeping tabs on parenting choices at all times, or at least you are even if you’re not admitting it to yourself. If your parenting styles are that different this friendship won’t last into the toddler years.
She will have her reasons for forward facing her child and she will know the risks. That is her call to make. Going on about it further is out of line in my opinion - you’re trying to sugar coat it but you are essentially just calling her a shit parent who endangers her child.

Honestly? It’s absolutely none of your business. Keep your opinion to yourself. Don’t intervene, don’t openly judge.

Technically that Cosatto car seat can be forward facing from 9kg as it's weight based, and it's likely her 9 month old is that/over by now....