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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

251 replies

YourFinestPantaloons · 22/10/2021 19:36

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious Hmm

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

OP posts:
DeathStare · 22/10/2021 19:45

I'd tell them you've asked the friends youd be happy with to have the kids and they've said no. If he falls out with you over that then he's an idiot.

And dump the boyfriend. Red flags all over that one

negomi90 · 22/10/2021 19:49

Does your brother know? That changes my view of him.
If I were him and didn't know then I'd think you were being weird and I'd be really hurt you weren't coming. Because at those ages I'd expect you to either bring the kids or find childcare. If he doesn't know then actually I see exactly where he's coming from and I think if you care about your relationship with him you need to think really hard about offering him at least some of an explanation. Even if it's your mum saying that you have very good very personal reasons for not going and it's not because you don't love your brother
If your brother is mad because you don't want to be in the same room as your rapist then he's awful (as is your bf). You have every right to not go and not expose yourself or your children to that person.

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 19:51

Seems like the time to distance yourself from your dm has arrived... What sort of woman is she op? Genuinely? She knows and has brushed it under the carpet? Stay home.

CocaColaTruck1 · 22/10/2021 19:51

Yeah fuck that op

Thanks
irrate · 22/10/2021 19:55

Please go to the police about the man that abused you....closure and justice is a big thing trust me.

Your brother is being very unfair saying he will seriously fall out with you if you don't go and your mum is not being very supportive if she knows you were abused. Do you think if your brother knew about the abuse he would still have this person at the wedding?

Your boyfriend is seriously stupid if he thinks you facing your abuser at the family wedding will be helpful to you.

You are brave because you are a survivor not because your boyfriend thinks so if you go to this wedding please ditch him

PegasusReturns · 22/10/2021 19:55

God no don’t go.

Does your DB know? If he does I think his falling out with you would be no issue.

Original poster
YourFinestPantaloons · 22/10/2021 19:57

If I were him and didn't know then I'd think you were being weird and I'd be really hurt you weren't coming. Because at those ages I'd expect you to either bring the kids or find childcare

The kids aren't invited, as I said in my OP it's a child free wedding.

And no my brother doesn't know about the abuse

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 22/10/2021 19:57

Agree, two fingers up to your BF - why the hell should you go to be "brave". You survived it, you already are.
Please tell your brother, the shame isn't on you, as the young girl abused and unprotected. The shame is on the horrible man that did this to you, and for your mother for not protecting you. If your brother knew what happened he would not be at the wedding. Flowers

Original poster
YourFinestPantaloons · 22/10/2021 19:57

@Monsterpumpkins

Seems like the time to distance yourself from your dm has arrived... What sort of woman is she op? Genuinely? She knows and has brushed it under the carpet? Stay home.
Yep. My mum all over, brushes things under the carpet and pretends everything is great.
OP posts:
OtterAndDog · 22/10/2021 20:01

Sounds like you're kind of in a shitty situation.. your two options I suppose are
A) say you will go as long as your brother allows your kids to come (but that means you have to come face to face with your disgusting abuser)
B) tell your brother the real reason that you don't want to go (but that means opening up a whole can of worms which you may not feel ready to face)

I think maybe A is the best choice and just hope that your brother is too stubborn to let them come. In that way you're kinda both in the wrong and hopefully it won't cause long term damage to your relationship - though short term I imagine it would cause friction.

Coulddowithanap · 22/10/2021 20:01

Do you get on well with your siblings? I think you need to talk to them about the abuse. Flowers

ANameChangeAgain · 22/10/2021 20:01

Just to add, I would bet good money that you aren't the only one to have fallen victim to this man. People like this have silent victims scattered through the family. If you did decide to out him to the police (🙏) I would imagine it would inspire others in the family to come out.

Pallisers · 22/10/2021 20:01

@DeathStare

I'd tell them you've asked the friends youd be happy with to have the kids and they've said no. If he falls out with you over that then he's an idiot.

And dump the boyfriend. Red flags all over that one

Do this. Tell your brother you've asked everyone who you would trust with your children and no one can take them. Say how sorry you are but that's that. If you have a child-free wedding and invite people with children you surely must accept that some people will not be able to attend.

And agree- watch yourself with that boyfriend. I think he fancied a couple of days at a wedding in the highlands more than your feelings or your children's care.

ANameChangeAgain · 22/10/2021 20:02

Second add on, sorry, of course you don't feel comfortable leaving your children after your own experiences, you aren't precious.

NugsNotDrugs · 22/10/2021 20:05

I’m seriously confused by your bfs reaction!
Is he a bit thick or uncaring?
I am sorry that your Dm hasn’t supported you Flowers

bubblebath62636 · 22/10/2021 20:07

So sorry about it all op, here's what I would do:

Dump the boyfriend
Ditch the mother
Tell DB about the abuse and that you won't be going to the wedding if the abuser is present.

That's easy for me to say of course!

Tiramiwho · 22/10/2021 20:09

I Would do two things if this was me. Tell your Brother the real reason you are not going..and go to the police to report this Paedophile.

Both for justice and to protect other innocent children he may have access to ( and active Paedophiles can be Octogenarians. A sick brain is rarely cured without intervention.

Hope the Bastard is locked away x

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 20:10

Ime as a dm. . You find out and you never see the abuser again. And you keep your dc away forever....
So sorry your dm wasn't the dm she should have been for you op...
You quite frankly need to tell her exactly why you aren't going.. And tell her she shuts up or you will tell your db the whole story also. Which won't paint her in a good light at all will it?

toocold54 · 22/10/2021 20:13

I would love to tell you to go and show that he hasn’t destroyed you but I know it’s not as easy as that.
But I also completely understand why your brother would fall out with you if you didn’t go.

Don’t go but make sure you have a very good excuse - maybe that you’ve tried everyone and you can’t get a babysitter but you’ll keep trying sort of thing - so he knows you really want to go but can’t.

Not sure why the PP said to dump the boyfriend. Definitely don’t do that as he’s done nothing wrong.

ittakes2 · 22/10/2021 20:18

Its up to you but maybe consider telling your brother the main reason you are not going? I think it would be sad for everyone to think you are being unreasonable when you have a very good reason. Your children are 6 and 10 - you could if you wanted to hire a baby sitter to sit with them in the hotel room. I think the main reason you don't want to go is completely understandable.
I wouldn't want to go either in your situation.

ShowerOfShite · 22/10/2021 20:24

OP I can totally empathise and I'm sorry you've been through this.
I think you should not go, tell your brother exactly why.
Stay home with your DC, do something lovely with them instead.
I had a similar mother, our (many different relatives) abuser was and is protected within the family.
I don't go to any event he is at and I'm happy to remind people why, if they ask.
I'm no longer ashamed of myself, fuck that.
Your mother should be ashamed of herself.

And completely agree with a PP, you're already brave x

godmum56 · 22/10/2021 20:27

I would definitely dump the boyfriend if he can't understand and support you in YOUR choice....
More gently I do think iot would be better if you can bring yourself to tell your brother but I get its a hard thing to do....you are between a rock and a hard place on this one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2021 20:28

If reporting the abuser will make you feel better, I would do this.

If not going to the wedding will make you feel better, I would do this.

If you feel you need to explain to your brother, please know this is not your shame.

You are the most important person.

As others have said, they don’t change. A man in his 80s overpowered me. Luckily I was mid teens and old enough to scream at him and gave him the fright of his life. Looking back, this definitely wasn’t his first time and it is likely he had been offending for decades. The way he used my weaknesses and smoothly physically overpowered me was disconcerting.

Sadly abuse was and still is all to often swept under the carpet.

MatildaIThink · 22/10/2021 20:31

I think you need to tell your brother about the abuse. I would have been very upset if my brother did not attend my wedding, even more so if I later found out that the reason was because I had invited someone who had sexually abused him.

Don't let the abuser come between you and your brother.

ThreeLocusts · 22/10/2021 20:31

If your brother threatens to hold not coming against you to this extent, I'd be very tempted to give him the real reason. Even more so for your mother, who should be able to guess your reason.

But if you don't want to set off a bomb under the family idyll, pick the most diplomatic lie and be done with it.

Sorry your partner is dickish about this too. What an awful situation. I hope you can heal yourself over time.