To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

[YourFinestPantaloons]

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

@callmeadoctor

Use covid as your excuse.

The wedding is next August. I hope to goodness that we're still not in this position in nine months.

Also it's no excuse when it comes to a sibling's wedding, IMO.

@TerriblyNaice

I'm sorry you're "offended" by the fact that other people aren't mind readers, and only know what you tell them. But your feelings on the subject don't change the fact that this course of action will likely have long-term consequences that OP should carefully consider before taking it. If she decides that the best option is for herself and her children to end up estranged from her family, fine. But the decision should be an informed one.

How would you feel about writing to your brother and letting him know why you can’t come? Otherwise your abuser has the power to ruin your relationship with your brother.

OH op how very, very difficult for you of course you shouldn't go to the wedding...
Dump the BF he is not the character of man you need ( or any woman needs)

if it were me l would loudly and consistantly tell the whole world about your abuser and what he has done, l would shout if from the rooftops, to your family, your friends, his boss, the police (even if it doesn't do anything )
I would become his worst nightmare and then some....but l realise you may not feel the same way.

Can you say something vague like ‘I’ve had a falling out with X and don’t want to see him?’ Or go for the ceremony but go for a smoke/toilet break during his speech. Another option is to have your mum or other siblings run interference so you don’t cross paths with him on the day. Depending on how many guests are there, it’s possible you won’t see much of him anyway.

I would do everything I could to attend my brother’s wedding but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not attend a destination child free wedding. That’s difficult enough for a parent even without all the abuse.

Thank you all

Regarding reporting my abuser: I know people won't agree with this but I've thought and thought about it over the years. I'm not going to do it. If I was even listened to, if he was even arrested and charged, that doesn't mean it will end in a conviction and it doesn't mean family will suddenly turn against him and be on my side. The ugly truth is that they'll probably think lm lying and will say 'poor bloke'.

On the tiny tiny likelihood he's convicted - it won't change anything. It won't turn back time or bring me peace. All that will happen is I will have to recount my stories to a courtroom full of strangers, have my story picked apart by barristers, be called a liar, read comments on social media about what a lovely guy he was (big local figure at one point) and when I actually function very highly at the moment, I don't want to jeopardise this by opening up old wounds and exposing myself to hate from others.

If if he was tried and acquitted - I'd be so devastated. It would destroy me and I worry it would invalidate my experience. Family would fall out with me because people are stupid and think 'not guilty' means 'innocent'. I'd be labelled a liar, would lose loved ones and I'd be so much worse off.

I can't win. It's shit, but I've accepted it. And I don't think my brother would believe me. He thinks so highly of this man, who is a slick and experienced liar, and I'd be accused of attention seeking. In an ideal world when we tell people about our abuse they'd believe us and understand. Sadly I know from experience that often people make "are you sure" noises and are quick to doubt. Including loved ones.

I hate it, but I've squared it with myself that nothing in the world can happen that will make me feel vindicated so I muddle through life living with it all and avoiding my rapist. Probably not terribly healthy but self preservation is what works for me right now.

WRT my boyfriend - I did think the other shoe had to drop at some point. We've had an amazing 5 months and I've been so happy with who he is. But I fear he has faced absolutely no adversity in life and, whilst I think he did mean well in a "show him the person you are today that he hasn't destroyed you", it's too easy for someone who doesn't have a clue about an unhappy childhood to spout ridiculous ill thought out advice. It's not a dealbreaker, I've explained that the effects of abuse are so complex that if it was as simple as 'facing' abusers no one would ever be bloody traumatised! I think the worst thing that ever happened to him was he was sent to his room. Which I guess is what I've initially loved, being drawn to someone without all the shitty kind of baggage I'm carrying!

Also, when it comes down to it even if the kids were invited I don't want them to meet my abuser, I don't want him looking at my DD. I don't want to pretend like the rest of my family does!

Otherwise your abuser has the power to ruin your relationship with your brother.

That is such a good point.

Let your friend look after your DCs. Go to the wedding, find an excuse to leave the room when it's time for this man's speech. But please don't let him destroy your family relationships. Your brother doesn't deserve this either, especially with no rational explanation.

Saying that childcare will prevent you going, when the event is nine months away, is simply not a rational reason. So your brother is left wondering why he's so unimportant to you, his sister, that you can't make the effort to go.

@Disfordarkchocolate

I wouldn't go, probably to avoid your mother nearly as much as your abuser.

I'd dump the boyfriend too, he needs to stick his 'be brave' up his arse and smoke it. This sort of 'women should be brave' really means women hurting themselves and abusers getting a kick out of their discomfort.

Totally agree with your last sentence. It annoyed me so much. I suppose if he never knew anyone who'd been abused before it's one thing and I've 'educated' him as to why what he said was wrong, but there's something about people who have coasted by in life who lack a bit of empathy and understanding WRT others

You have to dowhat is right for you Op.

Heartbreaking that you think that your brother wouldn't believe you & it's understandable that you might not want to find out for sure.

Especially with the experience you have had with your Mum.

No one "owes" her a continued loving family relationship, either.

Wow.

I don't even know what to say to that.

I think my mum probably owes me a loving relationship. I think that I don't have to lay myself bare in order to keep the family in side, especially when family members are making it so difficult for me to attend a family event!

I always say WRT child free weddings, go for it but don't complain or get upset when you find it means people can't come.

@YourFinestPantaloons

If I were him and didn't know then I'd think you were being weird and I'd be really hurt you weren't coming. Because at those ages I'd expect you to either bring the kids or find childcare

The kids aren't invited, as I said in my OP it's a child free wedding.

And no my brother doesn't know about the abuse

Since he doesn’t know I think it would be extremely hard for him to understand.

Have you considered telling him and/or going to the police?

I can understand the practicalities are hard child wise and I could offer some suggestions - e.g bring them, hire a cottage and book a nanny to look after the kids on the day, then have a holiday with the kids after.

But I suspect this is not remotely about childcare. Your brother needs to know your real reasons to be able to understand.

Lie to your brother. Tell him that with the distances involved and the time you would need childcare, no one is prepared to take that on. Which is fair, if you were my best friend I would still be hesitant to be honest, because if something serious happened over those few days I would want to know that you could get back straight away!

Dont answer to anyone else.

She's not a child anymore. She's an adult with children of her own who probably figured out a long time ago that choices have consequences, and that the sun doesn't rise and set on her own feelings.

Are you fucking kidding me? Would you say this to a child who had been raped and didn't want to be around their rapist? Or is it a case of once a child who's been raped reaches adulthood it's "tough shit, think about your actions"

The path she's starting down is guaranteed to ruin her loving family relationships with people who've done nothing wrong.

And I've done nothing wrong either but I am doing all the suffering

I have not found this in the thread, so I need to ask (sorry):
If your brother does not know about this person, does he give that person access to children? In other words is this person still a danger?

You just tell them you don't want to go..
It's your choice.
Nobody else's.
Don't even go to the bother of making up an excuse, be honest and just say you're not up for leaving your kids and going.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, there are no words.

I can understand the practicalities are hard child wise and I could offer some suggestions - e.g bring them, hire a cottage and book a nanny to look after the kids on the day, then have a holiday with the kids after.

Cant speak for the OP but a single parent myself this would not be remotely affordable. I could get myself there by driving and stay in a cheapo B&B but that would be it.

Why do people always suggest this for childfree weddings like we can all afford to just chuck money at a problem until it goes away?!

I don't think kids issue is a very good reason, and apparently neither does OP's brother. She doesn't have to leave the kids with someone for 2-3 nights. She can travel with them and find someone local to watch them for a few hours during the actual wedding

Oh well if my brother thinks it's a bad idea it must be I'm not doing half a day's travel to go to a wedding on my own and leave my kids with a stranger for a small fortune.

I’m sorry, I missed your update.

I can understand all your points.

Could you just send a message to your brother saying something like “Im so sorry I can’t come to your wedding. I know it seems inexplicable but there is a serious reason, I hope one day I can talk to you about it but since it’s traumatic I’m just hoping you will believe me when I say I love you very much and if I could be there, I would”.

@PurpleOkapi

Also, props for not jumping into introducing your bf to your kids, but we're talking about an event 8+ months from now. Is introducing them between now and then really completely off the table?

Yes, I'm afraid so. I'm happy keeping them separate and he is too.

A psychologist would say my abuse is related to the reason I won't introduce my kids to my boyfriend. And they'd probably be right.

@YourFinestPantaloons

I don't think kids issue is a very good reason, and apparently neither does OP's brother. She doesn't have to leave the kids with someone for 2-3 nights. She can travel with them and find someone local to watch them for a few hours during the actual wedding

Oh well if my brother thinks it's a bad idea it must be I'm not doing half a day's travel to go to a wedding on my own and leave my kids with a stranger for a small fortune.

I don't understand. You've already said that you wouldn't go even if your DCs could attend.

You probably need to have a chat with your brother and reveal some of your past (if you're comfortable doing so) for him to comprehend why you won't be there.
Don't protect the abuser.
Even if you can't bring yourself to name him, at least make it known to your brother so that he will fully understand and support you

OP. This has everything to with you avoiding your abuser.

You shouldn’t have to do this, it’s your brothers wedding. If it were my family, and I totally understand it’s not always this easy, I’d explain it your brother. If you don’t want to use details just say you’d rathe that so and so isn’t there because they were very very creepy when you were a child. Chances are he’s not fully unaware.

A sibling confided in me recently about a family friend during. Hold good and used no real details but I fully understood. Your brother will naturally want you there. I imagine you’d love to be there. Don’t let this abuse person ruin that. Indicate to your brother. He’ll get it and disinvite. You’ve got this.

No she wouldnt, the issue is that she isnt going out of her way to find childcare (which was her excuse for not going) and is getting grief for it. A caring family would accept "I cant get childcare, sorry. I hope you have a wonderful day" but they havent so now she has stress squared.

Your family sound like headfucks. I hope you find a solution I wouldnt want to leave my children for that long either.