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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

251 replies

YourFinestPantaloons · 22/10/2021 19:36

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious Hmm

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

OP posts:
PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 21:14

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MimiDaisy11 · 22/10/2021 21:16

Sorry OP what a situation! I feel for you.

I think your brother is being unreasonable to have a childfree wedding and then get really annoyed at you for not going because of childcare. Obviously he’s not aware of the abuse and that’s a completely different issue. I wouldn’t want to go either. Perhaps your brother has done you a favour with his strict rules and you could just say you couldn’t get a sitter.

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 21:16

Also, props for not jumping into introducing your bf to your kids, but we're talking about an event 8+ months from now. Is introducing them between now and then really completely off the table?

Orphlids · 22/10/2021 21:17

You poor thing, OP, being put in this position. 💐

Please let yourself off the hook by knowing that you are absolutely and wholly justified in not wanting to go to this wedding. Don’t go. I certainly wouldn’t. When I read your OP, I got to the bit about the childcare situation and thought that was reason enough to give it a miss. Then I got to the bit about your abuser. Of course you don’t want to go. I’m sorry you seem to be surrounded by people who, inexplicably, can’t see it from your point of view. Don’t let their warped ideas make you think you’re being unreasonable, because you most certainly are not.

Palavah · 22/10/2021 21:18

Presumably if this man is still part of the family then he is going to be in a position of trust with your siblings' children.

You definitely shouldn't feel you have to go but I think you should reconsider telling your brother.

Your boyfriend's response is not supportive and that must be really disappointing. Can you tell him that he needs to do some research on what is and is not appropriate way to talk to an abuse victim and educate himself. If he's not going to step up then he may not be what you need him to be.

Good luck

Lillibettina · 22/10/2021 21:19

I think you need to decide what will hurt your brother more, telling him you aren't coming because you can't get childcare or telling him you aren't coming because you can't face seeing someone who sexually abused you.

I like to think your brother is more caring than your mother and will disinvite the person if he learns of the abuse. If I were in your brother's position, I would rather know the real reason you weren't coming so that I could support you.

Your boyfriend's response is baffling. If he is otherwise a decent sort, I would point him to some information explaining how therapy for sexual abuse works so that he realises it isn't just a case of being 'brave'.

diddl · 22/10/2021 21:20

"She can travel with them and find someone local to watch them for a few hours during the actual wedding"

So increase her costs & leave them with a stranger?

If Op wants to tell her brother that is of course up to her.

If he can't accept her not going because the kids aren't invited & she doesn't want to leave them/travel with them & leave them them he's a twat.

Walkingalot · 22/10/2021 21:20

I'm stunned at the lack of understanding from any of them for different reasons.

  1. Your DB - I've been to the Isle of Arran (not suggesting it's where the wedding is) - it was such a long journey - drive to airport, flight, drive to destination etc. So, your DB is having, by default, a destination wedding. He must realise that it's going to be difficult for a lot of people.
  2. Your DM for knowing who your abuser was and basically not giving a shit.
  3. Your BF for thinking facing your abuser will help you, at your DB's wedding! What was he going to do, sit back and watch you unravel??

So sorry you are being put in such a difficult situation with no support. Do what's right for you (and your DC) and don't go. Make your polite excuses and leave them all to it.

freddiethegreat · 22/10/2021 21:21

When my brother got married at a child-free wedding, they made an exception for my son, who actually was one of the witnesses. My brother knew that for various reasons I wouldn’t leave my son. He also knew that I wanted to be at the wedding & he wanted me there. So he solved it. If your brother thinks it’s a childcare issue & he wanted you there enough, he could do the same.

As for the abuser issue, I agree with those saying ‘tell your brother’. Because if the abuser being there is (understandably) stopping you going, your brother can solve that too!

ZubinB · 22/10/2021 21:22

Tell your brother.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/10/2021 21:23

At minimum consider telling your DM that if she doesn't get the family to calm down and respect the fact you have no childcare so can't come then you will have no option but to tell your DB the real reason. So if she wants to keep it under the carpet she is going have to back you up.

FudgeFlake · 22/10/2021 21:23

@ANameChangeAgain

Just to add, I would bet good money that you aren't the only one to have fallen victim to this man. People like this have silent victims scattered through the family. If you did decide to out him to the police (🙏) I would imagine it would inspire others in the family to come out.
Yup. Depressingly true.
TatianaBis · 22/10/2021 21:26

Like hell are you going to that wedding. It’s horrific but I think you will have to tell your brother why.

You do not have to sit in the same room as a man who raped you EVER.

Your mother and your bf can fuck off.

HikingforScenery · 22/10/2021 21:33

It would be so awful if you brother finds out about the abuse and has had this vile man making speeches in his wedding videos.

It’s up to you who share your trauma with, of course but this is such a tricky situation

I’m not surprised you don’t want to go

Briscarta · 22/10/2021 21:33

OP please hear me on this - I’ve been in your shoes, family member, abuse that my mother -when I told her when I was an adult - wanted swept under the carpet. Don’t go!- and if you can - don’t hide the reason why.

Abuse seems to give more guilt to the victim than the perpetrator- it suits everyone else’s narrative for you to be quiet - I’m NC with basically all my family over their behaviour towards me when I exposed it all.

The only person you owe anything to is your younger self and your kids - fk anyone who doesn’t get that!

TerriblyNaice · 22/10/2021 21:35

[quote TracyLords]@PurpleOkapi so fuck?!!! She owes no one anything! She needs to do whatever is needed to protect herself. Let’s not put any blame or responsibility for this on the victim[/quote]
Thank you for being offended by that.
I've been in the same position as the OP for many years and it breaks my heart that I need to miss every family occasion.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 22/10/2021 21:36

You were raped as a child and your mother swept it under the carpet! I think you have bigger problems than whether to go to a wedding or not. But you definitely shouldn’t.

Onelifeonly · 22/10/2021 21:43

Not the main issue but I'd be mad if my brother had a childfree wedding because my kids are also his family. I'd tell him that too.

Re the abuse - I'd tell my brother that too. But then we are pretty close and tell each other most things. I wouldn't protect him from knowing about the abuser.

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 21:47

@freddiethegreat

When my brother got married at a child-free wedding, they made an exception for my son, who actually was one of the witnesses. My brother knew that for various reasons I wouldn’t leave my son. He also knew that I wanted to be at the wedding & he wanted me there. So he solved it. If your brother thinks it’s a childcare issue & he wanted you there enough, he could do the same.

As for the abuser issue, I agree with those saying ‘tell your brother’. Because if the abuser being there is (understandably) stopping you going, your brother can solve that too!

I hope for OP's sake he doesn't do this, because it will make things worse. If he's hurt and angry by her refusal to come when he thinks it's a childcare issue, he'll be a lot more hurt and angry if he makes an exception for her kids and she still won't come, and still won't tell him why.
Mateypotatey · 22/10/2021 21:48

I would be heartbroken to unknowingly invite my siblings abuser to my wedding, please tell your brother, he should support you.

Chloemol · 22/10/2021 21:53

Personally I think now is the time to tell your brother. I would also consider going to the police about the abuser.

If after you have told him he still feels the same and won’t speak to you that’s his issue

I would also reiterate about the kids. Why should they stay at your friends for 3 nights. It would be different if they were staying with their father

Unforgettablefire · 22/10/2021 21:53

@Briscarta

OP please hear me on this - I’ve been in your shoes, family member, abuse that my mother -when I told her when I was an adult - wanted swept under the carpet. Don’t go!- and if you can - don’t hide the reason why.

Abuse seems to give more guilt to the victim than the perpetrator- it suits everyone else’s narrative for you to be quiet - I’m NC with basically all my family over their behaviour towards me when I exposed it all.

The only person you owe anything to is your younger self and your kids - fk anyone who doesn’t get that!

That last bit brought me to tears. How true ❤️
Twinsmum2003 · 22/10/2021 21:53

I wouldn’t tell your brother it is childcare issues because if he solves the problem by inviting them or finding a sitter locally you are back at square one.
If you would like to tell him about the awful abuse you suffered (I hope you do and I hope he is more appalled than your mum) then I think that would be brilliant. If you have a sibling you are closest to could you tell them first and have them be there when you tell your brother? Face to face if you can so you can’t be dismissed. Your abuser does not deserve to be at your family events and you do.
I am absolutely not guilt tripping you into doing something you really don’t want to do but as someone else said you may not be the only one and the abuser may not stop. Even if you don’t want to go to the police I think if your brother uninvited the abuser they would know why and it might be helpful to you.
If you get the same response from your siblings as you did your mother then seriously they deserve each other. Just stay away.
Not sure about your bf, sounds like you deserve someone awesome and he doesn’t sound it here.
You sound awesome and a great mum. Well done for breaking the pattern of your upbringing, that’s not an easy thing to do. X

SukiPook · 22/10/2021 21:55

@MatildaIThink

I think you need to tell your brother about the abuse. I would have been very upset if my brother did not attend my wedding, even more so if I later found out that the reason was because I had invited someone who had sexually abused him.

Don't let the abuser come between you and your brother.

I agree with this. I think you should tell your brother, so that he knows why you are not coming (and he will then know enough that if he wants to uninvite the abuser he can). If you feel really awkward sitting down and saying this to your brother's face, could you maybe set it out in a letter to him and let him read that and digest it, then talk to him afterwards if needed? (I wouldn't dump your db over it but just be firm with him that you never want to see that person and that that is a boundary you insist on.)
callmeadoctor · 22/10/2021 21:55

Use covid as your excuse.