To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

[YourFinestPantaloons]

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

Just read your last update, still weird not to ask you if it makes the difference to you not attending, to his knowledge at least.

@YourFinestPantaloons

Thank you all

Regarding reporting my abuser: I know people won't agree with this but I've thought and thought about it over the years. I'm not going to do it. If I was even listened to, if he was even arrested and charged, that doesn't mean it will end in a conviction and it doesn't mean family will suddenly turn against him and be on my side. The ugly truth is that they'll probably think lm lying and will say 'poor bloke'.

On the tiny tiny likelihood he's convicted - it won't change anything. It won't turn back time or bring me peace. All that will happen is I will have to recount my stories to a courtroom full of strangers, have my story picked apart by barristers, be called a liar, read comments on social media about what a lovely guy he was (big local figure at one point) and when I actually function very highly at the moment, I don't want to jeopardise this by opening up old wounds and exposing myself to hate from others.

If if he was tried and acquitted - I'd be so devastated. It would destroy me and I worry it would invalidate my experience. Family would fall out with me because people are stupid and think 'not guilty' means 'innocent'. I'd be labelled a liar, would lose loved ones and I'd be so much worse off.

I can't win. It's shit, but I've accepted it. And I don't think my brother would believe me. He thinks so highly of this man, who is a slick and experienced liar, and I'd be accused of attention seeking. In an ideal world when we tell people about our abuse they'd believe us and understand. Sadly I know from experience that often people make "are you sure" noises and are quick to doubt. Including loved ones.

I hate it, but I've squared it with myself that nothing in the world can happen that will make me feel vindicated so I muddle through life living with it all and avoiding my rapist. Probably not terribly healthy but self preservation is what works for me right now.

WRT my boyfriend - I did think the other shoe had to drop at some point. We've had an amazing 5 months and I've been so happy with who he is. But I fear he has faced absolutely no adversity in life and, whilst I think he did mean well in a "show him the person you are today that he hasn't destroyed you", it's too easy for someone who doesn't have a clue about an unhappy childhood to spout ridiculous ill thought out advice. It's not a dealbreaker, I've explained that the effects of abuse are so complex that if it was as simple as 'facing' abusers no one would ever be bloody traumatised! I think the worst thing that ever happened to him was he was sent to his room. Which I guess is what I've initially loved, being drawn to someone without all the shitty kind of baggage I'm carrying!

I'm so sorry for all you've been through, OP.

I've been through similar and - in my case - my abuser is (now) a mentally unwell drifter who has never held down a job or fended for himself (my parents bankroll him, ha!) and I still know that I would never win in court.

I think that a lot of the responses of this thread are well meaning but not trauma informed. Your boyfriend also isn't trauma informed.

You need to be far, far away from this abuser and ALL of the toxic enablers which is probably half of your family.

Please don't go to this wedding.

Write or - better still - meet with your brother beforehand if you can and explain why.

This is not about him and his wedding. This is about you and your recovery.

All my best wishes to you x

BTW, not introducing your children to a new partner for quite some time is very sensible to me.

So five months into the relationship so far & not yet met your kids sounds fine to me.

@YourFinestPantaloons

I think people (including my BF, I've explained this to him tonight!) need to realise how earth shattering it is for CSA survivors to tell people about their abuse. To recount details, and ages, and which house, and when, and how. Because people expect details, understandably. You can never undo it, it can't be unsaid, it changes their life as well and sadly you can't predict how they will take it.

Could you write something like this to your brother?

'Dear brother, I don't want to lie to you any more but the real reason I can't go to your wedding is that someone will be there who did terrible things to me in the past. It is very painful for me and I hope you understand that I don't want to speak about it, but I want you to know that I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day. I will be thinking about you and there in spirit even if not in person. Love YFP'

If your brother presses you, tell him you can't talk about it but your mum knows the full details and he can speak to her.

I'm a csa survivor, too.
Is there a half-way stage? If you could say to your db that you were raped by someone that will be there, and for that reason you're not going and neither arr your kids as you were young and you don't want 'the person' to see them.
I think you're right not to go though. If you did go and 'tough it out' and the bastard sees that, he could well target your dc knowing that you wouldn't cause a scene.
Agree with the people who say 'ditch your mum', I agree.
Good for you for having good instincts. Leopards don't change their spots. Well, not without loads of expensive psychotherapy, which they don't seek.

OP I have only had a couple of people ask for details of the abuse, they don't need to know and at that point I lost all respect for them. It's not up to them to judge how bad it was. Just tell them you will not discuss the details with them.
Re going to the police I haven't gone either, for exactly the reasons you give. At least atm my abuser will always wonder if I'll tell the police his wife or kids etc. But after all these years the police will do nothing.

Thank you @UniversalAunt

I'm super lucky as I work with my boyfriend (we met because I took him round on his induction day and sparks flew ) so I get to still see plenty of him but only outside of work EOW when kids are at their dad's. Absolutely no need for them to meet him IMO! They've already met 3 girlfriends of their dad's and I'm not going to bring people in and out their lives like that!

Sorry just reading back more and I take back what I said about explaining to your brother.

You absolutely need to centre yourself in all of this, your brother's wedding is nothing in comparison to trying to recover from CSA.

I've read back a few of the worst posts on here and feel ill as a result of posters here trying to maintain that a WEDDING is more significant than being raped as a child.

I hope you are ok, some of this stuff is absolutely sick and I'd get the thread removed.

Going to the police is the right thing only for some people, which is why I didn’t suggest it. I understand your reluctance and think you’re right.

As to your brother - I do understand how hard it is to tell people about it - but a. you really don’t need to go into details, just the fact of it. b. it doesn’t actually matter whether he believes you. You tell the truth, because lies are generally fairly obvious, if he can’t deal with it, or chooses not to believe you - that’s up to him. You’ve done everything you could.

@UniversalAunt

Still catching up on the thread...I would not take my children anywhere near the abuser, not in the same place, same event, same room.

I would not expose my children to that person’s gaze, let alone presence or personal contact.

It's a childfree wedding she has never had any intention of that. This is about the OP and how she would feel being exposed to the abuser.

@YourFinestPantaloons

I think people (including my BF, I've explained this to him tonight!) need to realise how earth shattering it is for CSA survivors to tell people about their abuse. To recount details, and ages, and which house, and when, and how. Because people expect details, understandably. You can never undo it, it can't be unsaid, it changes their life as well and sadly you can't predict how they will take it.

I am a CSA survivor too. I can't tell my brother what my df did. It's too painful. It's really easy to say 'tell him' but the reality is very different. It's highly shameful and humiliating to me. I know it wasn't my fault but I don't want to go around telling people what happened to me because it's private. I want to have some control after having no control as a child.

I would be tempted to say you've arranged childcare and you're coming and then cancel at last minute and say you're ill with food poisoning or something. It avoids the need to get into a debate about it all... the most important person is you OP and you need to put yourself first. It's hard to do or at least I find it hard to do

Obviously I would. I just did.

@PurpleOkapi So to completely clarify - you'd tell a raped child who didn't want to be around their abuser that the world doesn't revolve round their feelings?

And you expect me to take advice from you?

@PurpleOkapi

I've reported you.

I don't know what you get out of telling victims of child sex abuse that they are at fault for upsetting the family.

Jesus...

@PurpleOkapi

The BF could have been a bit more diplomatic about it, but are you really going to miss every major family event - weddings, funerals, birthdays, etc. - for the rest of your life?

If you told your brother what happened and he decided that he still wanted this person there even if it meant you wouldn't be there, that would be one thing. But if you aren't willing to tell anyone in charge of any guest lists, and you also aren't willing to be in the same room as this person, then I guess you'll miss every major family event until your abuser dies. And you're going to hurt a lot of people's feelings, and make a lot of people angry, and probably ruin some formerly-close relationships, by missing all those weddings and funerals without any attempt at an explanation.

This is just such hideous bullshit. You are being flippant about child rape and prioritising hurt feelings of extended family members over it. I'm disgusted.

@TheCanyon

The wedding, I wouldn't go.

But report him ffs. No one protected you, but you have the power to protect others

What you meant to say, but veiled it, was "its all your fault if anyone else is (or has been) abused by this man.

Please don't force responsibility to report this onto the OP. It is not her responsibility nor is it in any way her place to bear guilt that should be bourne by the man who sexually abuses(d) children.

OP, I truly understand how you feel, but, I went to the police. That experience was more traumatic than the horrific abuse. My mum was like yours. I wish I could make this easier for you.

[quote PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside]@PurpleOkapi

I've reported you.

I don't know what you get out of telling victims of child sex abuse that they are at fault for upsetting the family.

Jesus...[/quote]
Good, I’m glad someone has.

lots of love to you OP, I'm hiding this thread now because of all the callous dickheads on it.

I really hope you get the right solution for you, that is all that matters here x

You do what works for you and say whatever you need to say to make it work for you. If you're sure your DB won't believe you, then don't bother to tell him anything. Why put yourself through the telling only to have him deny your truth? "I can't get childcare" is a valid reason, no need to go into every detail of 'why not'? Just meet every suggestion with "Tried that, didn't work".

I suggest you take a long, hard look at your mother and brother and decide if they truly value you. We should only have people in our lives who value us and that we value in turn. My brother and I aren't 'super close' as our lives have taken different turns, but we do value each other. I know that if I told him that a person he admired had abused me as a child he'd believe me, no questions asked. Because he knows I value him too much to lie to him. If the same cannot be said for your brother, it may be time to 'put some distance' between you and him. As far as your mother, her betrayal of you is so egregious that if I were you I don't know if I could stand to even be in the same room with her. But again, you have to deal with your situation in the way that works for you. Just be sure that it IS truly working for you and that you aren't causing yourself more and unneeded hurt by keeping these people in your life.

Your bf's words may have come more from ignorance than stupidity. If he's had a life with no real troubles, then he doesn't have the experience to know that an abused person doesn't need to prove one damned thing to their abuser. Whether you choose to try to educate your bf or kick him to the kerb is, again, your decision.

I would tell my dbro exactly why I wasn't going, don't cover for the abuser.

And that is not to say the op has any responsibility, however she should not have to keep a secret, she should not have to hide from family events.

And dbro should (if the abuser was not coming) allow his nieces and nephews having chosen an awkward wedding location imo.

Consider going and handing a card to the rapist. Inside write
“You need to feign sudden illness and leave immediately. All details of your abuse of me are logged with my solicitor in the event of harm coming to me. Choose to stay, and I will tell all”
That will wipe the smile off his face.

OP, it’s really clear from this thread that lots of people just don’t get it. Which is exactly why YANBU.

I rather liked the fake food poisoning suggestion.

OP i completely understand where you are coming from. I understand not wanting to tell your brother.

Could you tell him you are coming, childcare is arranged and then at the last minute come down with a fake illness which stops you from going? You shouldn't have to lie but you should never have been put in this situation in the first place. I am so sorry you are.

If you are unlikely to have to see this relative again anytime soon, I don't think it serves any purpose to open up a can of worms by telling anybody on this occasion. I only say this as someone who has been through similar.

Your brother will be upset but an illness cannot be helped (fake or not). Make plans to go to see him after the wedding when the relative has gone. I wish you the very best OP.