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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

251 replies

YourFinestPantaloons · 22/10/2021 19:36

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious Hmm

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 22/10/2021 20:32

I wouldn't go OP... I'm a CSA survivor too and couldn't imagine clapping and making nice with my abuser.

As pp says, you can always pretend you couldn't get childcare... but seriously, it might be time to reevaluate your relationships with both your partner and your DM.

FreeBritnee · 22/10/2021 20:32

I would tell your brother and then the police. Your mother should have acted on your behalf and supported you to get justice. She has instead made herself complicit and further damaged your mental health.

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 20:33

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happytoday73 · 22/10/2021 20:36

Two options:
By not allowing children at the wedding he rather than you has pushed you in to not attending as you dk t gave cover. Their choice s their wedding but if that means you can't go they need to accept it.

However I would still tell your brother... Especially if its your dad or an uncle... To protect others even if you don't want to take it further yourself.

I am so sorry this happened to you...

happytoday73 · 22/10/2021 20:37

Don't have

NicLondon1 · 22/10/2021 20:38

It would be so sad to fall out with your own brother over this - especially because he doesn't know! So it seems like you, or your Mum, will have to tell him.
If he loves you, he will probably cancel the speaker - HE should be the person who is not invited.

Re: the childcare, if the kids could stay with the family friends for 2 nights, they would probably have a marvellous time, they are old enough I'd say to do that. (My 5 year old had to stay with my sister 2 hours away when I was in hospital, she loved spending it with her Aunty and cousins, just to compare).

However - my first thought was that your brother was a bit selfish to make this a child-free wedding! How could he not have thought of thi,...? They are his nephew/nieces, right? A bit weird.

Dontbeme · 22/10/2021 20:39

I'm a CSA survivor that had a mother like yours, all under the rug it went and I had to be a good girl and not speak out about it. No advice OP really, I just wanted to say I believe you and you should do what is best for you FlowersFlowersFlowers

saraclara · 22/10/2021 20:41

I don't think you can expect your brother to understand your not coming to his wedding, when he doesn't know the real reason.

To not go to a sibling's wedding, when there's been no massive fall out, is one hell of a statement, and incredibly difficult to explain. No wonder he's angry. From his perspective, it seems like you just can't be bothered. And when people ask why you're not there, he'll be at a loss to explain it.

Okay, ideally your kids would be welcome, but they're old enough to leave, and would probably enjoy a few days with your friend. But basically you don't want to go because of this man.

Dontbeme · 22/10/2021 20:41

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans

On rereading your mother is either spectacularly cruel or stupid to not realise why you don't want to attend. Christ, what is wrong with her?

TracyLords · 22/10/2021 20:44

@PurpleOkapi so fuck?!!! She owes no one anything! She needs to do whatever is needed to protect herself. Let’s not put any blame or responsibility for this on the victim

PinkiOcelot · 22/10/2021 20:44

I too would tell your brother the real reason.
That monster should be behind bars! I can’t understand your M at all. Can’t bring myself to say DM!! I would honestly do time for anyone who did that to my dd! She’s as bad as him!

MrsCardone · 22/10/2021 20:44

I would tell your brother about the abuse.
I still wouldn't go to the wedding, though. I just don't get child-free weddings at all. So inconsiderate.

SnugKnights · 22/10/2021 20:45

@irrate

Please go to the police about the man that abused you....closure and justice is a big thing trust me.

Your brother is being very unfair saying he will seriously fall out with you if you don't go and your mum is not being very supportive if she knows you were abused. Do you think if your brother knew about the abuse he would still have this person at the wedding?

Your boyfriend is seriously stupid if he thinks you facing your abuser at the family wedding will be helpful to you.

You are brave because you are a survivor not because your boyfriend thinks so if you go to this wedding please ditch him

I’m not being argumentative but with rape convictions being so low, what would be the point of OP putting herself through it. Genuine question. I presume there won’t be any witnesses and there obviously won’t be forensic evidence, so chances of him being charged never mind convicted are so, so slim.
Summerfun54321 · 22/10/2021 20:49

You are a mum now and it’s your turn to do whatever you know is right. If that pisses off your own mother in the process then so be it, you’re breaking the cycle of shit parenting. She doesn’t make the rules now, you do. If you want to tell your brother, report the bastard and never speak to your own mother ever again, you are 110% justified in doing that. Doing what’s right by you and your kids is the only thing that matters, the rest is just background noise.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/10/2021 20:50

I wouldn't go, probably to avoid your mother nearly as much as your abuser.

I'd dump the boyfriend too, he needs to stick his 'be brave' up his arse and smoke it. This sort of 'women should be brave' really means women hurting themselves and abusers getting a kick out of their discomfort.

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 20:51

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DILevil · 22/10/2021 20:56

You BF is a dick, no one can tell you how to feel or act, even another abuse victim.
You mother, I have no words for her brush it under the carpet, I’m so sorry.
With your brother, maybe give him a one line, “I was abused, I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to come and face that person”. But you shouldn’t have to do that, but I don’t know what to suggest for your brother to not see it as a snub if he doesn’t know. But you shouldn’t have to see or tell anyone that you don’t want to, it’s such a shitty situation I’m sorry. You can still go to the police i at any point you want, even if you don’t know what you want them to do with the information. Or you can decide to never talk about it again to anyone if that’s what gets you through the day, do whatever you need to get through your life

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/10/2021 20:56

Please tell your brother

Dump your mother

Go to the police

Timeforachange22 · 22/10/2021 20:59

Dump boyfriend. Go no/low contact with Mother and tell her why. Tell brother and siblings the truth.
Other option if you really can't tell your relatives is plan to go and the get sick at the last minute...such a shame.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 22/10/2021 21:00

I think you need to sit down with your brother and tell him what's going on.

Please go to the police.

And tell your mother to get to fuck for failing as a mother.

NewlyGranny · 22/10/2021 21:02

Look how an abuser's evil acts go on causing damage down the years!

Why not say to DB that you cannot attend his wedding if the abusive relative is also attending and if he wants or needs to know why, you will tell him, but he might not want that knowledge in his head. Give him a chance to decide not to know. He will have to accept your word and make his choice. But if he plans to have children or he or his bride already have them, it's better he knows so he can protect them.

Remember, none of this is your fault or your responsibility. The fallout may be unpleasant for others but again you are not the cause of it.

diddl · 22/10/2021 21:05

If your brother will fall out with you, perhaps he should have invited his niece(s)/nephew(s).

As it is though he's given you a get out & yes you should decline.

Looking after a couple of kids for 2/3 nights is a big ask.

When I got married I considered a childfree wedding but that obviously (imo) didn't include my siblings kids.

skybluee · 22/10/2021 21:05

I think you should tell your brother the real reason too.

beastlyslumber · 22/10/2021 21:05

Don't go to the wedding.

Do tell your brother why.

As for the boyfriend - LTB.

Unsure33 · 22/10/2021 21:08

I don’t know what the answer is but if you fall out with your brother because he does not know the truth it sort of feels like the abuser is winning .

That does not feel like a good result.