To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

[YourFinestPantaloons]

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

I have not found this in the thread, so I need to ask (sorry): If your brother does not know about this person, does he give that person access to children? In other words is this person still a danger?

No, my abuser lives abroad (another stumbling block to consider of reporting him to the police) and comes back to the U.K. once in a flood. So he is easy to avoid until family occasions arise! He has met my DB's son once, when he was a newborn

@Rockdown2020

OP. This has everything to with you avoiding your abuser.

You shouldn’t have to do this, it’s your brothers wedding. If it were my family, and I totally understand it’s not always this easy, I’d explain it your brother. If you don’t want to use details just say you’d rathe that so and so isn’t there because they were very very creepy when you were a child. Chances are he’s not fully unaware.

A sibling confided in me recently about a family friend during. Hold good and used no real details but I fully understood. Your brother will naturally want you there. I imagine you’d love to be there. Don’t let this abuse person ruin that. Indicate to your brother. He’ll get it and disinvite. You’ve got this.

Have you read her updates? She says the brother wont believe her. So yes he will uninvite....the OP!

@PyongyangKipperbang

No she wouldnt, the issue is that she isnt going out of her way to find childcare (which was her excuse for not going) and is getting grief for it. A caring family would accept "I cant get childcare, sorry. I hope you have a wonderful day" but they havent so now she has stress squared.

Yes of course they would accept that.

And all the posters blithely say "just tell your brother".

Do you have any fucking idea??

@PyongyangKipperbang

I can understand the practicalities are hard child wise and I could offer some suggestions - e.g bring them, hire a cottage and book a nanny to look after the kids on the day, then have a holiday with the kids after.

Cant speak for the OP but a single parent myself this would not be remotely affordable. I could get myself there by driving and stay in a cheapo B&B but that would be it.

Why do people always suggest this for childfree weddings like we can all afford to just chuck money at a problem until it goes away?!

Absolutely agree! It's expensive enough just going there, getting a present, accommodation etc. According to MN babysitters charge a billion pounds an hour too so it would be a very expensive do!

You are in an awful position through no fault of your own OP. As a pp said the damage the abuser causes just seems to go on over the years.
A decade ago I was in a similar position, with my 82 yr old DF wondering if I was actually going to my older brothers wedding since I never mentioned it. I decided to tell him the truth, that I wasn't going because my brother had sexually abused me for years as a child, and I'd already gone NC with him. I put it all in a letter to my DF to
avoid just dissolving into an emotional mess.
Sadly if you don't tell your DB the real reason why you're not going, he's likely to hold it against you though I agree he's being unfair over the situation with the DCs. But only you can decide if you are ready to tell him, I had a supportive partner which helped a lot.

Re your DP I would mention it again to give him one more chance to say " on second thoughts you should do whatever you feel is best for you and I ll support your decision. " Anything else would be a serious red flag.

Your DM has blatantly put the family reputation before her own DDs needs and doesn't deserve any consideration.

BTW any problems that arise from this situation are 100 % the fault of your abuser, not you. It's time to put your own feelings and those of your children first.

And why should she have to tell her brother anything? A "No sorry, I cant but have a wonderful day" should be accepted. If the brother cuts her off over this then he is an arse.

@saraclara I said I wouldn't go if my children were invited because I don't want my abuser to meet them

I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to the police at all
It’s the usual situation that you pay the price of the abuse over and over.
You can’t rely on your mum to have your back. Your brother will understandably be annoyed at you for not attending “for no reason”. And you may also need to consider how you would feel about this person having access to children and abusing again.
You are well and truly backed into a corner.
Personally, as you are going to have a fall out anyway, I would rather it was based on the truth. So, I would write to my brother and tell him why, but only once.
I’d would also be distancing myself from BF, maybe he’s just a little hard of thinking and lovely really but even so it doesn’t sound like he has the insight/maturity to understand how to be a supportive partner to you.
You deserve better all round, unfortunately you have to deal with the shit right in front of you

I think people (including my BF, I've explained this to him tonight!) need to realise how earth shattering it is for CSA survivors to tell people about their abuse. To recount details, and ages, and which house, and when, and how. Because people expect details, understandably. You can never undo it, it can't be unsaid, it changes their life as well and sadly you can't predict how they will take it.

Finest, I'm sorry if someone else suggested this, but I would tell your brother that you cannot go to his wedding because you need to avoid seeing someone who raised you when you were a child. Tell them that you are traumatized and it would be too dangerous to go
Tell him you love him and you wish him the best but you won't go.
If he pushes you for details tell him that unfortunately yours is the common story of child being abused, tells an adult, adult doesn't believe them, so they cannot risk telling anyone else, it's too dangerous for your mental health.
All the best to you.

No you can’t, and you have to be prepared for them to to take it badly, but you’re going to fall out anyway, why fall out over a lie? You don’t need to give details, I wouldn’t give details, but I would give the bare boned facts of why I wasn’t going or letting my children anywhere near that person. It would probably be a very short note in fact.
You don’t owe anyone anything, and it isn’t your secret you need to keep paying for. Lying about your reasons for not attending is another price to pay for something that isn’t your shame in the first place.

Could you contact your abuser and warn him if he comes to the wedding in the uk you are going to report him to the police ?

Then find someone to mind the children close to the wedding ?

Deal with your mother later ?

The wedding, I wouldn't go.

But report him ffs. No one protected you, but you have the power to protect others

Tell your Boyfriend to watch the last two episodes of 24 hours in custody. He might understand.

[quote YourFinestPantaloons]@saraclara I said I wouldn't go if my children were invited because I don't want my abuser to meet them[/quote]
I got that.

But what will you do if your brother thinks again and invites them?

The abuser should be prevented from going to the wedding.

I understand how difficult this situation is for you and I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I think you’re absolutely right not to go to the wedding if your abuser will be there. I understand that going to the wedding is not an option for you. If you can bring yourself to tell your brother about the abuse it would help him to understand, or even if you could just tell him that you can’t explain but you have a good reason and it’s not because of the kids. How is your relationship with your brother? How much do you want to save that relationship? If he cares about you I hope he would understand.

So a quick dash to comment so not read the full thread.

Red flags waving about the boyfriend, he’s not on the same page as you about how to come to terms with & manage difficult experiences. On evidence so far, he’s not going to be there for you when you need him most. You seem mismatched in sensitivities & loyalties.

Your mother: under the carpet she goes. You cannot change her or what she chose to do in the past.

Your brother. I’m mixed about him. Why set up a child-free wedding & then get uptight that you may not be there? He cannot reasonably expect you to leave your young children at home or be babysat by strangers, unless he assumes that the childrens’ father will change his plans to suit his wedding?

So, wild speculation on my part I know, but maybe he does not want to have your mother & your abuser around without you there to help him feel safe? As I said, highly speculative of me but stranger things have happened.

If, as & when you decide to speak with your brother about the abuser & your mother’s denial, that is entirely up to you. You are a survivor & understandably need to maintain your boundaries & autonomy. Do not be surprised if your brother either knows or has his own story to tell. So I think that it won’t be a passing conversation for either of you. He may well duck or avoid you if it looks like you are going to raise the subject as he seems to have this person within his circle of trust, either by choice/ignorance/FearObligationGuilt.

I imagine it is beyond galling that this person has such prominence in your family that they are asked to speak at a family wedding.

@saraclara fuck knows! I don't think he will - essentially his fiancée has loads of nephews and nieces and it's for reasons of fairness and affordability which is why the wedding is child-free

Tell the police what happened.
You know what happened. You know it was wrong of him. You know it was not your fault.

But this has to be reported even though it is painful and uncomfortable. I'm so sorry for what you went through and for what you are still going through. Your wicked mother brushed it under the carpet.. sickening.. report him to the police it is definitely not too late.

Also tell your brother about the abuse and that you do not want to be anywhere near this individual. And that no children / vulnerable people should be either. Everyone should know what a monster the man is.

And as a side note, as it's 'no kids' you shouldn't be expected to go. This is a big trip and you don't have the child care. End of.

OP- don't go.
Do this for yourself and your wellbeing.
Distance yourself from those who do not support you.
You don't have to report it - your choice.
Take care

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'.

I could never, ever, ever be with a man who said this to me. Ever.

‘ Tell your Boyfriend to watch the last two episodes of 24 hours in custody. He might understand.’

Usually I watch 24hic, but I could not get past the first five minutes of the first episode of this two-parter.

@PurpleOkapi

What sort of damaged hell do you come from?

"No-one owes her a continued loving relationship".???? Are you fucking serious?

I sure hope you don't have children - because, newsflash - you DO owe your children a continuous loving relationship - even more so if they've had the most traumatic experience as a child.

If you've settled on not reporting it telling and further relatives (which I get and you've got to do what's best for you) then a white lie about no available childcare sounds like the best plan, and just don't go.

To be fair, your DB isn't coming out in the best light either, not wanting his own neice/nephew there at the wedding and yet ranting at you for not attending. Is there another deeper layer of dysfunction going on too?