To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

[YourFinestPantaloons]

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

@Eilatan2018

I wouldn’t be going to the wedding but I’d be going to the police to report that disgusting family member!

Would you now-because it's so fucking easy to do!

Have you any idea?

@Spudina

Hi OP, as it’s often said on Mumsnet, if you plan a child free wedding, you can’t expect everyone to be able to make it. Not everyone can get childcare for that long. I’m sure your brother won’t like it but the Scottish Highlands for a few days is pretty inaccessible. I’m so sorry your Mum has been so awful. Sending best wishes.

'This. Sorry for what you've been through. I don't think you should put yourself through this ordeal. Your brother should be more understanding even if he thinks its a children issue. If he kicks off, refer him to your Mum. She should have stood up for you.

OP you are amazing. Tell your mother she should realise why you are unable to attend. Spell it out what happened in one factual sentence if she has selectively forgotten. She should be the one dealing with this with your brother. You don’t have to retell it. It is on her to sort it out.

@1poshpaws check out @showmethesugars' Post. Maybe that will help you understand my point better.

Don’t go —- it’s a recipe for making you feel uncomfortable and stressed. Tell your family you’ve asked a friend to mind the children but she can’t on this occasion. Leave it at that, you don’t need to justify your decision.
Your partner —- hmmm, you’re right to keep him at a slight distance for now.

Good god don't go op.
Your mum knows but did nothing??
Astonishing.
Go to the police.

Agree with Zandathepanda here. Tell your DM you aren't going and the least she could do is smooth that with your DB. I wouldn't bother with white lies relating to childcare, because determined people try to solve the 'problem' for you and then you have to move goals posts, etc. It becomes a big energy drain and everyone ends up resenting you. Just be clear and assertive. You can't go, for several reasons and you won't discuss it further. Tell the BF that you have no intention of going and that he should accept that, if he doesn't he's waving red flags.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope it all works out without too much more stress. Living with those crimes is hard enough.

I disagree, I'd tell my DM why I'm not going but I wouldn't trust someone who brushed it under the carpet to tell anyone else.

I agree you need to tell your brother.
None of this is your fault so don't be bullied into going.

Proud of you for building a good life for yourself OP (and feel for you as someone very close to me had a similar experience).

How would you feel about telling your brother than you are unable to attend, and that your mother knows the reason why. He should talk to her if he wants any more information.

And from what I've seen, your BF may not have intended to be hurtful or uncaring - those of us who are fortunate enough to have blessed lives just want to pass on the strength we have through that, to others we care about. If that makes sense.

OP i HRTFT as I’m the car waiting to pick DD up. Similar thing happened to me - it was as my abuser’s funeral. He also raped my mum (incest) . My sister knows this but thought I should go to funeral and “show face” ie pretend everything was ok. I didn’t and am so glad I didn’t. Next time I am in that town I will visit his grave ……and spit on it.

Why does your BF care if you go let alone try to push you into it? You’ve only known him for 5 months

I do think your DM has a lot to answer for and you need to get tough with her. Tell her to speak to your brother and make up and excuse otherwise you’ll expose the abuse and her being complicit in covering it up.

Maybe you should tell your brother as maybe he wouldn’t want him at the wedding if he knew. At least he would understand your reasons

However aside from the abuser it is pretty lousy of your DB to have a child free wedding when his sister is a single mum AND then proclaim that he will fall out with you if u don’t go

In an ideal world every sexual assault would be reported to the police services,, enough evidence to proceed taken & justice would be seen to be done. But this ain’t so.

OP was just six years old when the assault took place. It is enough & remarkable that she has come this far with her recovery & at a point where she may debate what to do handling the family dynamics. I am sorry to hear that OP’s mother took the stance that she did, this hard to accept & process. I wish OP all the best for her & her kids in the future, & if the BF turns out to a keeper, then that’s an added bonus.

It looks like the 2022 family wedding will go ahead without you.
Maybe book a special day out/away day with the kids - go somewhere that’ll be fun, close to home to enjoy the pure love & fabness of your own family. Keep your boundaries strong & build your resilience, create the day that matters & has authentic meaning to you. No-one but you & the kids need to know.

If I were your mum, your abuser would have been warned that if he ever showed his face at a family function again I'd bury him alive. Anything less than that isn't the reaction of any mum I know. I'm so sorry she isn't the mum you need her to be OP

I know this is slightly off the point but surely a child free wedding doesn’t extend to your nieces & nephews?? That’s very weird

I wouldn’t be going for that reason never mind the horrific abuse and uncaring mother

I think before people say "You could help others" you have to bear in mind I was a child, age 6 when I was raped, and it's deeply, deeply insensitive to pile that responsibility on a child

It's a sickening and truly awful and sad thing that happened. It is not the responsibility of a child to report anything. But people are speaking to an adult here not a child.
It's an impossible situation for you to be in, I get that. But no-one is suggesting any child has any responsibility for anything.

@BrilliantBetty so it's fine to keep it under your hat until you're 17 years and 364 days old, but the next day because you're an adult it's on you to report it to prevent it happening to others? And the victims in that 12 years are just collateral damage?

Fuck that. If only people had half the empathy for adults that they do for children .

I really wish it were as simply as when you turn into an adult you automatically become brave enough to speak up. I was in my mid-20's before it hit me that being raped wasn't my fault! I genuinely always believed it was, because I thought if I'd just avoided this person I could have prevented it

I’ve seen odd posts from that poster before, OP, I’d ignore them.

Whilst I’d love to know this man was getting punished for what he did, I understand it’s not about us and you’re doing what is right for you.

Absolutely fine not to go to the wedding.

Agree with the above, OP. Ignore the victim blamers.

There is only one person who deserves any blame and that is your abuser.

Wow OP. You have done amazingly in such a shit situation. Of course you shouldn’t have to go to the wedding and see that monster. I can totally see why you don’t want to pursue the legal route and saddens me that it is so broken it leaves those who experienced CSA reluctant to come forward.
From what you’ve written you are clear you don’t want to expose him or prosecute him for his crimes so it sounds like the easiest thing for you is avoidance. It sounds sensible. You have thought through every angle and your family don’t sound at all validating or supportive.

You could avoid it either up front or last minute (Covid T&T could be your friendly white lie if you leave it to the last minute). I hate the thought of you being vilified for not going, OP. Unless you want to go NC which no body would blame you for.

A last minute cancellation might be more costly for your brother but might be less hurtful - I think you said your brother knows nothing? You might care about his feelings - or not - depending on the relationship.

I’ve seen what it can do to families when survivors talk about what happened. Sometimes families deal with it well. Believe. Validate. Protect. Often they don’t and the victim gets blamed. I’m really sad to say that. Really sad. But you have your head switched on. You’ll know if the time ever comes to talk.

Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing because you have done your best to think it through. You sound like such a thoughtful and wise mother. Nothing like your own.

To you, and all the people that lived through CSA - you have my utmost respect just for getting through it somehow.

@ShowMeTheSugar

I'm amazed it needs to be said: if you have replied with any variation of the following you are victim blaming, and behaving incredibly poorly: * You should go to the police to help/protect other victims * Other victims need your help * Your family/brother deserve to know about the abuse you endured * You should report/face this as a sign of bravery/strength * You should report/face this to keep your dignity/self respect intact

Interestingly, she's here asking about advice on handling the wedding invite. Your opinions on the police are uncalled for and unnecessary

OMG all of this.

Pantaloons god bless you. Second all the other suggestions to accept the invite and then come down with a bug/childcare falls through etc. a few days before. These things happen.

Whether or not your DB is disappointed if you don't attend is utterly up to him & how he chooses to feel. You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings but your own.

You are fully allowed to decline the invite & to not concern yourself with the consquences of that.

So difficult that you were not protected or believed over time OP - you are amazing for thinking this through and taking the time to make the best decision for you.

Whatever you decide - you are not being unreasonable at all & many of us on mn are right behind you in support.

Op, you are so brave.

Don't go to the wedding.

Re your DB, in an ideal world, I'd tell him, or tell him (sort of) ("something happened with a someone at the wedding when I was younger that I am only just coming to terms with and seeing them will set me back - I don't want to talk about it, or create divided loyalties or drama, so I just really need to leave it right now") BUT I think your DB has already shown that he is somewhat lacking in empathy by expecting you to leave your kids behind in your current situation. And you are best placed to judge.

In your situation, as PPs said, I'd just say that you have asked around and no one you'd want to leave your kids with for that period of time can help you for that weekend - you are disappointed and you want to find a way to celebrate with him another time. This is the deal with child free weddings - you cannot always expect parents to be able to make arrangements to come, and that is ok. It's not rude, it is just life.

People talk such shit. Remote hugs @YourFinestPantaloons x