Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of meeting my friend outside

172 replies

cadburyegg · 22/10/2021 12:56

I'll try and keep this vague as it's a bit outing.

I have a close friend who lives near me and when I was still with my H we used to be friends with her and her partner as a couple, when H and I split up last year I'm afraid to say she wasn't very supportive and it took about 6 months before she'd stop hinting that we should get back together, even though H had a new gf by that point.

The main problem is though that their lives are very much ruled by covid. They both wfh, have a 3 year old who is in nursery and they go swimming etc and to shops but socially they will still only meet family and friends outside. I was really understanding with them and for awhile I was getting their prescriptions etc from the pharmacy and picking up food for them, although I have stopped doing that now. We are meeting up next week with our children and as it will be over lunchtime, it'll be a picnic outside again.

I know this sounds really stupid but I am really sick of it. They are my age (early 30s), both double jabbed and not vulnerable (I'm considered vulnerable myself due to coeliac disease although I don't really consider myself at risk as I'm pretty healthy). I know if I say I'm not willing to meet outside now it's colder that will just mean not seeing them or letting the friendship die out which will be such a shame because I get on with them so well. I was really hoping since both being double jabbed they would be more willing to do things. like I said I have been really patient and sympathetic up to this point, i know this sounds really mean and awful but i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 22/10/2021 13:04

They are being ridiculous, but that’s their choice. I wouldn’t meet outdoors now it’s cold.

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2021 13:09

Can you think of venues where you can ease back more into being indoors? E.g. National Trust outdoor cafe seating - at least you get hot food & drink & no sitting on the floor with a picnic, which I agree sounds miserable in late October!

RuggerHug · 22/10/2021 13:11

You might not know every detail of their medical status/history or those they're close to.

zafferana · 22/10/2021 13:12

There are a lot of people like this and I agree, it's time to put an end to it. But it's their lives and if they will only socialise outside then they'll find their friendship group will shrink. Only you can decide which is more important - the friendship or the tedious adherence to their paranoia.

CremeEggThief · 22/10/2021 13:13

A lot of people are still being extra-cautious, OP. My friend is happy to meet for brunch/lunch inside in cafés etc., but is too worried to go for a few drinks and an evening meal, despite having the booster jab!Confused Annoying, but it is what it is...

Igneo · 22/10/2021 13:15

Covid is still a horrible illness. Read the ‘I’ve got covid’ threads.
Maybe they like doing things outdoors.

Giggorata · 22/10/2021 13:16

Covid isn't over and numbers are rising again, without it even being really cold yet, plus we have this winter's flu to contend with, so, it isn’t surprising that some people (me included) are still being careful.

Some might say ridiculous, some might say over cautious, but it's everyone's own choice to deal with this as seems best to them.

My friendship groups had regular Zoom meet ups, after it got too cold to meet up outside, or went on winter walks rather than sit about.
It doesn't mean you can't see them at all. Somehow.

AliceinBorderland · 22/10/2021 13:16

I'd just decline and say it is too cold for outdoors now. They can read between the lines.

Tbh if their 3 yo is in nursery and they go to the petri dish that is a public swimming baths then I don't see their issue with you.

minatrina · 22/10/2021 13:18

@RuggerHug

You might not know every detail of their medical status/history or those they're close to.
Exactly this! Even my closest friends don't know much at all about my health. Not because I keep it a guarded secret, but because it's not something I bring up, and strangely enough they've never yet asked for a fully-detailed medical debrief!
FatBettyintheCoop · 22/10/2021 13:20

YABU.

I'm with your friends on this and have no intention of eating indoors in cafes but I will meet a couple of v good friends in our homes.

Maybe they're ok but they may have vulnerable older family members they want to visit?

FWIW, I find the UK response to the pandemic has been appalling and the fact that the numbers are ridiculously high compared to other European countries yet everyone is acting like it's no big deal is astonishing to put it mildly.

Quarantino · 22/10/2021 13:23

Not being clinically vulnerable doesn't mean you won't get long covid or seriously ill if you contact covid. Even being unable to look after my kids for 2 months (ie not enough to be "long covid") would have serious repercussions in our household.

I thought 18 months into this, people would have grasped that "vulnerability" is somewhat unpredictable.

skybluee · 22/10/2021 13:23

I think they're being responsible. Everyone has free choice but if everyone did this (who could) the numbers would be incredibly lower and we'd be in a different situation right now.

However, I feel the cold badly and I can understand you not wanting to sit outside.

I like the idea about a compromise - what about going on a walk somewhere sheltered like a canal and then sitting at an outdoor cafe with hot drinks? I don't know where you are in the UK but where I am (midlands) there are some days coming up that are 15/16C which is not too bad at all for being outside. What about somewhere with outdoor heating? What did they do last winter? It may be they're not planning on doing it for all of the winter.

I just want things to go back to normal and I feel like that's the underlying feeling of this thread.

I'll also echo the poster who said you may not know everything about their health. I'm classed as vulnerable/been sent letters about it but most of my friends don't know that. They probably think I'm being fussy quite honestly.

Quarantino · 22/10/2021 13:24

Also you hardly have to "let the friendship die out". Can't you message and do Zoom chats like the rest of us did last winter? Cold weather won't last forever.

babouchette · 22/10/2021 13:25

The first part of your post is what would make me want to end the friendship to be honest. Anyone who doesn't support you during a break up is not someone I'd waste my time on.

hotelharibo · 22/10/2021 13:27

Maybe it depends how much you value the friendship? How much will you put yourself out for your friend?

Maybe like pp said you could meet somewhere like NT with a cafe for hot drinks etc?

washingmachines4 · 22/10/2021 13:27

This may seem silly to some - you have possibly had COVID and been fine. There are still a lot that weren't fine and others who haven't had it and are still legitimately frightened. I have known 2 people who died - both pre jab being available and 2 hospitalised 1 jabbed, 1 not.

A lot of people are still living by what is essential. Kids in school and nursery are essential and not much else. We are doing this, we accepted they are our biggest risk of bringing it into the house but that the effects on the children were too awful to not find a way to accept. We would have weighed this up differently if the fatality rate had been like haemorrhagic fever but at the current rate we can live with it.

There is a difference between 'my kids will probably bring it into the house but we'll have to live with that risk' and 'there is no point being careful anymore, we're going to go everywhere and do everything and what will be will be '.

This may help explain:
www.newscientist.com/article/2257826-you-can-manage-your-covid-19-risk-by-setting-your-own-contact-budget/

JudgeRindersMinder · 22/10/2021 13:30

It’s obviously their right to live like that if they want, but it’s equally your right if you don’t want to.
I’d actually be saying “no thanks” to be meeting up if that’s their terms

KylieKoKo · 22/10/2021 13:35

There's no way I would ever go for a picnic in this weather!

Why not find a child friendly pub with a heated beer garden and suggest going for lunch there? Or just explain that it's too cold and see if they suggest anything.

Chloemol · 22/10/2021 13:35

It’s their choice to want to meet people like this, just as it’s your choice to say no thanks it’s too cold

AliceinBorderland · 22/10/2021 13:37

I was really understanding with them and for awhile I was getting their prescriptions etc from the pharmacy and picking up food for them, although I have stopped doing that now.

So they were happy for you be their skivvy and be outside in shops whilst they hid indoors and kept themselves safe from covid.

I'm surprised you did it. I'd drop them to be honest. They sound very selfish.

Loyaultemelie · 22/10/2021 13:38

They are absolutely right. We will meet friends outdoors, if it's cold we light the fire pit. We don't do anything indoors will get a takeaway but not eat in. Mind you we wouldn't entertain swimming either. If anyone doesn't want to see us outdoors we just can't see them but that's absolutely fine, if that's what they want to do.

RealBecca · 22/10/2021 13:38

Just say now it's winter its too cold and its not fair on the kids. Hopefully see more of you in spring

SleepingStandingUp · 22/10/2021 13:40

I'd try and compromise. Pun with an out door play and seating area so you can wrap up wm but have coffee and hot food instead of juice and sandwiches on the floor?

RedHelenB · 22/10/2021 13:43

I know people like this. More worried about possibilities than actually getting on with life. Makes it miserable for their kids too. You'll just have to have a winter break.

PomegranateQueen · 22/10/2021 13:46

If they are happy to swim during a pandemic then it seems daft to be freezing your backsides off for them. Zoom, unless you have no other option, is just a little bit shit compared to a meet up so YANBU if you don't want to do that either.