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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of meeting my friend outside

172 replies

cadburyegg · 22/10/2021 12:56

I'll try and keep this vague as it's a bit outing.

I have a close friend who lives near me and when I was still with my H we used to be friends with her and her partner as a couple, when H and I split up last year I'm afraid to say she wasn't very supportive and it took about 6 months before she'd stop hinting that we should get back together, even though H had a new gf by that point.

The main problem is though that their lives are very much ruled by covid. They both wfh, have a 3 year old who is in nursery and they go swimming etc and to shops but socially they will still only meet family and friends outside. I was really understanding with them and for awhile I was getting their prescriptions etc from the pharmacy and picking up food for them, although I have stopped doing that now. We are meeting up next week with our children and as it will be over lunchtime, it'll be a picnic outside again.

I know this sounds really stupid but I am really sick of it. They are my age (early 30s), both double jabbed and not vulnerable (I'm considered vulnerable myself due to coeliac disease although I don't really consider myself at risk as I'm pretty healthy). I know if I say I'm not willing to meet outside now it's colder that will just mean not seeing them or letting the friendship die out which will be such a shame because I get on with them so well. I was really hoping since both being double jabbed they would be more willing to do things. like I said I have been really patient and sympathetic up to this point, i know this sounds really mean and awful but i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
VillKrill · 22/10/2021 16:15

They’re actually being very sensible and YABU and incredibly judgmental.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 22/10/2021 16:19

Covid isn't over, a lot of people (5 million) who are eligible still haven't had a vaccine and there's still an element of risk, not to mention flu' season. I don't blame them for staying safe and keeping their family and friends safe too.

Wear a hat, gloves, coat, scarf when you meet up with them and stop grizzling about their choices.

You sound like hard work and I wouldn't be bothered with you if you were my 'friend'.

icedcoffees · 22/10/2021 16:19

@julieca

So what do you all do with 3-year-olds when meeting up with friends away from home? It is a genuine question because even pre-pandemic meetings with friends with young children have largely been outside.
Soft play, playing at each others' houses, pubs or restaurants with playgrounds or soft play areas...or places like NT properties where you can play outside and then warm up inside in the café or tearooms.
icedcoffees · 22/10/2021 16:19

@Buffoonborisisatwat

Covid isn't over, a lot of people (5 million) who are eligible still haven't had a vaccine and there's still an element of risk, not to mention flu' season. I don't blame them for staying safe and keeping their family and friends safe too.

Wear a hat, gloves, coat, scarf when you meet up with them and stop grizzling about their choices.

You sound like hard work and I wouldn't be bothered with you if you were my 'friend'.

But they were happy enough to send OP out to risk her own health when they needed food and prescriptions Hmm
Strugglingtodomybest · 22/10/2021 16:22

I have voted YANBU to feel fed up of it, but I also think that they ANBU to want to continue to meet outside if that's how they feel about it.

coffeeisthebest · 22/10/2021 16:40

Maybe you just don't like your friend so much anymore? That's completely ok too. You could just step back and give the relationship some space.

Bellringer · 22/10/2021 16:40

Am still vulnerable and won't meet inside, but doing ok with cafes in parks, and pubs or restaurants with garden or veranda. Covid is not gone, numbers are up, some people will be ill or die in spite of vaccine.
Your friends are surely aware of children, including yours and theirs, spreading infection. If they are a pain you don't have to meet

bagpuss90 · 22/10/2021 16:41

I know cases are high. I’ve just had it myself . I think we have to learn to live with it though -it’s here to stay . My neighbour had taken the decision not to go out until its eradicated- shes got a long wait.

KingsleyShacklebolt · 22/10/2021 16:46

They're being ridiculous, but it is their right to choose to behave in a ridiculous and paranoid manner.

However, the consequences of those choices are that most right-minded people will refuse an invitation to sit outside in November. You are perfectly within your rights OP not to be up for being outside, and you should feel comfortable in refusing their invitations.

Franca123 · 22/10/2021 16:47

I am in the same situation with some friends. And yes, it pisses me off. I have two little ones including a baby. It would be so easy for them to come here. Instead I have to drive miles to a park. Ridiculous.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/10/2021 16:52

I would step back. No need to fall out, just say "it's too cold and damp" when they suggest meeting outside.

I can't believe people are suggesting zoom chats.

guerrillagirl · 22/10/2021 17:05

I honestly don’t get what’s wrong with being outside? It’s October and I assume you’re not in the Arctic? Can’t you just dress warm? Surely everyone needs a decent bit of daily fresh air, whatever the weather Confused

Original poster
cadburyegg · 22/10/2021 17:05

Thanks for the responses. Interesting range. I mentioned me going shopping for them etc to give an example of me being supportive, I know I didn’t have to do it if I didn’t want to, that being said I am trying to be more assertive and they have asked me to do other stuff which I have declined.

We like doing stuff outdoors too! we always go to NT places etc and wrap up warm. BUT the difference is i’m not a fan of having to eat outside in the rain (which I have done before with these friends) or the freezing cold and not be able to warm up with a hot coffee etc. I haven’t suggested going to a pub outdoors with heaters because they have said they are not comfortable with eating food they haven’t prepared themselves, all food is quarantined before consuming, they don’t get takeaways etc. That being said it may be that they will consider doing this as it gets colder.

Pre covid meeting up with friends indoors with kids was fairly easy tbh as long as we went somewhere child friendly like soft play, each other’s houses, kid friendly cafes.

I suppose I haven’t suggested a lot of alternatives because they are the ones who are more anxious, so I don’t want to suggest things they feel bad about saying no to, iyswim, but there are some good suggestions here which I’ll take on board

OP posts:
KingsleyShacklebolt · 22/10/2021 17:13

hey have said they are not comfortable with eating food they haven’t prepared themselves, all food is quarantined before consuming, they don’t get takeaways etc

You can't reason with that level of batshit crazy, OP.

AliceinBorderland · 22/10/2021 17:15

@KingsleyShacklebolt

hey have said they are not comfortable with eating food they haven’t prepared themselves, all food is quarantined before consuming, they don’t get takeaways etc

You can't reason with that level of batshit crazy, OP.

I feel sorry for their child and any others being brought up to think this is normal.
NoSquirrels · 22/10/2021 17:45

Invite them round your house and accept you might need to have the doors open to the garden. At least then you’d have easy access to layers & the kettle!

julieca · 22/10/2021 17:46

@icedcoffees thanks for replying. Personally, I wouldn't socialise at soft play, horrible places that I only went to cause the kids loved them.
Yes I have went to places like NT outside and then a quick coffee and cake inside. But virtually all the time is outside. So if someone only wanted to meet outside, we would do the outside bit, then I would go inside for a coffee and a cake. Its never a long time with a 3 year old anyway.
Personally i think 3 is too young for pubs where adults sit at tables eating and drinking while the children play in soft play or outside playground. And the food tends to be horrible at these places. So fine with older kids that can be left to get on within, but not with a 3 year old.

I cant be the only one who has mainly met friends with 3 year olds outside before the pandemic. Typical meet up at a city farm, or green space with a lovely playground, or lake with ducks to feed. Very young kids run about and make lots of noise while we talk. Then a quick coffee and cake. This si about 98% of my socialising with friends with children this age. Because it is the only kind of socialising where you actually get to talk. Unless it is good enough weather to be in each others gardens.
So if a friend refused to meet me outside at the moment if I had a 3 year old, I would assume they are making a point to me. The kind who accuse others of living in fear.

BoredZelda · 22/10/2021 18:27

I feel sorry for their child and any others being brought up to think this is normal.

Most kids would be totally unaware.

julieca · 22/10/2021 18:57

Yeah, the child is 3, going to nursery, weekly swimming and playing with friends in meetups outside. Three-year-olds don't usually enjoy sitting in restaurants or pubs, so not going there is hardly going to be a hardship.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/10/2021 17:44

So they are happy for their child to mix with lots of children inside at nursery where they don’t know what each family is up to

Yet

Won’t see you inside

mdh2020 · 23/10/2021 18:03

The way the numbers are going we will all be back to meeting outdoors very soon. Your friends don’t looks so silly now

julieca · 23/10/2021 18:04

@Blondeshavemorefun but why increase the risk? They are taking the risk of their child going to nursery as it is a clear benefit to the child. And isolating a 3 year old child from any other children would have a negative impact.

Imnothereforthedrama · 23/10/2021 18:11

I actually think this is really sad although entirely their choice , but also your choice op you could say no I want to meet indoors or not at all .
I went to the theatre this week first time since pre Covid and it was amazing much more that other times because they’ve not long since opened. It’s sad that people choose to not do that . I’m sorry people feel it’s not safe but what the hell was the vaccine for then, are people going to spend the rest of their lives not mixing indoors ? Insane , live like that if you want but for me that’s no life life is far too short I want to spend it enjoying it , laughing seeing family and friends not constantly worried about Covid because it’s too risky.

Imnothereforthedrama · 23/10/2021 18:12

@mdh2020

The way the numbers are going we will all be back to meeting outdoors very soon. Your friends don’t looks so silly now
Seriously!
Blondeshavemorefun · 23/10/2021 18:15

[quote julieca]@Blondeshavemorefun but why increase the risk? They are taking the risk of their child going to nursery as it is a clear benefit to the child. And isolating a 3 year old child from any other children would have a negative impact.[/quote]
Coz life has to go on

We can’t stay inside forever for our own mental health and kids

The whole point of vaccine was to stop the nhs going under with patients and people dying

I’ve always said herd immunity

But yes that’s their decision

Shame for @cadburyegg