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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of meeting my friend outside

172 replies

cadburyegg · 22/10/2021 12:56

I'll try and keep this vague as it's a bit outing.

I have a close friend who lives near me and when I was still with my H we used to be friends with her and her partner as a couple, when H and I split up last year I'm afraid to say she wasn't very supportive and it took about 6 months before she'd stop hinting that we should get back together, even though H had a new gf by that point.

The main problem is though that their lives are very much ruled by covid. They both wfh, have a 3 year old who is in nursery and they go swimming etc and to shops but socially they will still only meet family and friends outside. I was really understanding with them and for awhile I was getting their prescriptions etc from the pharmacy and picking up food for them, although I have stopped doing that now. We are meeting up next week with our children and as it will be over lunchtime, it'll be a picnic outside again.

I know this sounds really stupid but I am really sick of it. They are my age (early 30s), both double jabbed and not vulnerable (I'm considered vulnerable myself due to coeliac disease although I don't really consider myself at risk as I'm pretty healthy). I know if I say I'm not willing to meet outside now it's colder that will just mean not seeing them or letting the friendship die out which will be such a shame because I get on with them so well. I was really hoping since both being double jabbed they would be more willing to do things. like I said I have been really patient and sympathetic up to this point, i know this sounds really mean and awful but i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
berlinbabylon · 22/10/2021 13:49

Not sure what's miserable about being outside. You know the old adage - no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.

(Disclosure: I wouldn't meet outside in the rain, but where's the problem on a sunny crisp autumn day?)

As for picnics, I don't' like them any time of year. There is nothing exciting out spreading a blanket on the floor and sitting on it. There are plenty of cafes/pubs with outdoor space (and play areas for the kids).

Tulipomania · 22/10/2021 13:49

Can't you suggest you both do lateral flow tests before meeting up and then meet at each other's houses?

TheDailyCarbunkle · 22/10/2021 13:49

I think the covid thing is neither here nor there - you don't agree with their viewpoint and it's causing a problem. Either you let it slide and see them according to what they want or you draw a line and risk the friendship. The choice I'd make would depend on how important that friendship is to me.

It sounds like the lack of support around your split from your husband is bothering you or you wouldn't have brought it up - I wonder if you're using this - understandably - as an excuse to let them go? On the surface they may seem like good friends but really they weren't there for you when you needed them and you're frustrated with their attitude, so now might be the time to let this friendship go?

MrsKDB · 22/10/2021 13:52

The metal health fallout from this is going to take decades to undo in some cases. Really sad but what can you do.

I’d be giving them a wide berth tbh, sounds like they are princessy over it getting you to skivvy around as they sit at home.

DeepaBeesKit · 22/10/2021 13:53

All you can do is make your own decision about how cautious you want to be. You will find over time friendships with people who aren't on the same wavelength (whatever that wavelength is) will simply wane, best to just accept that.

AuntEater · 22/10/2021 14:01

They don't want to catch covid or pass it on to anybody else. That's not being ridiculous. If you don't want to meet them outside fine, that's your choice but respect their choice too.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 22/10/2021 14:02

It's their decision, again you don't know their personal circumstances, no one knows that I'm on steriods which makes me higher risk other than my DH.

If it's people are allowed to choose to go maskless in big crowds, they also have to be allowed to be cautious and sensible.

AliceinBorderland · 22/10/2021 14:02

@AuntEater

They don't want to catch covid or pass it on to anybody else. That's not being ridiculous. If you don't want to meet them outside fine, that's your choice but respect their choice too.
I'd not respect anyone who sat on ass at home and expected me to fetch and carry for them.

Didn't you read that bit.

thewhatsit · 22/10/2021 14:03

It’s up to them what they are comfortable with and up to you if you want to do it. If you’re not enjoying it anymore and it’s just too much work, simply say it’s too cold and leave it there. They don’t sound like ideal friends anyway.

One of our family friends who is the most Covid conscious (they will meet indoors these days, but wouldn’t for a long time) suggested a while back meeting for a socially distanced drink in a pub. Frankly, I had no interest in trying to stay 2m away from a friend in a pub all night so I made an excuse and we didn’t meet up. It was ok for her to have her boundaries and for me to just not want to meet under those circumstances.

LobsterNapkin · 22/10/2021 14:04

The experience of the last year and a half has created a lot of people with serious anxiety and OCD behaviours that they don't seem able to stop, or even see. I suspect we'll keep seeing this as time goes on and some will have long term issues. You can't put on the emergency lights in the brain for a year without causing problems.

There are plenty of friendships, family relationships, and community groups that won't recover.

I might be a bit cynical about these people though, given the swimming and nursery.

unim · 22/10/2021 14:05

Case rates in the UK are still hugely high compared to most other countries, and the effectiveness of vaccinations does wane over time - I now have six friends who've caught Covid while double jabbed, one badly enough to have to go into hospital.

If you don't want to see them outside, just explain that you don't. Maybe you can resume your friendship when the weather is warmer.

I can totally see why they are being extra careful where they can be, though. Reducing contacts is an effective way of reducing risk. So for example although my children are at school/nursery, we are still meeting up for playdates outdoors if practical as it is just a small thing we can do to reduce risk for everyone.

Topseyt · 22/10/2021 14:06

I wouldn't bother meeting up with them. They are being ridiculous.

10yearwarranty · 22/10/2021 14:08

Personally I'd be fine with this if it weren't for the fact that they don't apply their rules consistently. Still going swimming, toddler in nursery and shopping... but they won't meet indoors with a friend. That makes no sense at all.

Pythonista · 22/10/2021 14:10

They are entitled to mitigate the perceived risk however they like.

You are entitled not to go along with it

Gonnagetgoing · 22/10/2021 14:11

@KylieKoKo

There's no way I would ever go for a picnic in this weather!

Why not find a child friendly pub with a heated beer garden and suggest going for lunch there? Or just explain that it's too cold and see if they suggest anything.

This - child friendly pub with heated beer garden for lunch. Quite a few of those around.
Alwaysonthegoslow · 22/10/2021 14:12

What a miserable way to live.

gannett · 22/10/2021 14:15

Surely a good friendship will survive not seeing each other for a few months? Say it's too cold to do outdoor socialising, you'll either see her when she feels safe to come inside or when it gets warm again. Message/zoom in the meantime. Doesn't have to be a big deal.

I don't consider it my place to tell other people what their risk level should be but neither do I think it's unreasonable if I don't want to freeze my tits off. This was my position last winter tbh. None of my friendships died!

LeekChic · 22/10/2021 14:15

YANBU, unfortunately there's a lot of it around and I think some people have had their ability to risk assess permanently altered.

I have a friend who is similar and I've declined outdoor meetings ups.

Mulhollandmagoo · 22/10/2021 14:15

This is one of those times where nobody is right and nobody is wrong really, you do what you're happy with and let them do the same, if it doesn't align then don't see each other.

I currently have covid, I'm the same as you, early 30's, healthy and double jabbed, and I do feel a but rubbish.... But the hardest part is my 2yo doesn't feel rubbish, and still needs caring for and entertaining and it's really tough, I feel like a rubbish parent for her being stuck in the house bored! I get why parents of young children want to avoid it as much as possible

dreamingbohemian · 22/10/2021 14:17

I respect everyone's choices but if they are going swimming and shopping and have a child in nursery, then it's kind of ridiculous to insist on only outdoor socialising.

I can't believe you did their shopping for them when they were so unsupportive!

I would let the friendship go, they sound very self-absorbed

DriftingBlue · 22/10/2021 14:18

You do realize that those of us on the socializing outside side of the discussion are just as frustrated with the people who think it’s ok to move back to restaurants and indoor meetups. Many public health bodies world-wide recommend these types of protocols. The return to indoor socialization and restaurants is not purely about public health, it is a compromise for practicality and the sake of the economy.

If you aren’t happy with the relationship, you don’t have to keep it going. Just own that decision instead of trying to blame them for following best practices instead of doing only the minimum required.

NC145632 · 22/10/2021 14:21

So you want to remove the control they have over their own risk?

Just respect their wishes. Actually your OP starts off my implying that you don't like them much, so I don't understand why you claim to value the friendship - is it handy as the DC are the same age or do you move in same circles.

Probably best to say you and DC are feeling a bit under the weather and don't want to meet outside so will postpone. But don't put her under pressure to do something she isn't comfortable with and takes away her control.

NeverTheHootenanny · 22/10/2021 14:28

I was really understanding with them and for awhile I was getting their prescriptions etc from the pharmacy and picking up food for them, although I have stopped doing that now.

So they were happy for you to do this for them even though you are classed as vulnerable and they are not? Is their health so much more important than yours?

This, coupled with telling you to get back with your ex, would make me want to end the friendship. The outdoors thing I could get over for good friends, but I wouldn’t be having October picnics unless it was a friendship I really valued.

Shellingbynight · 22/10/2021 14:29

So they have a child in nursery, they go swimming and to the shops, but they will not meet up indoors with you. They have chosen what they are prepared to do, and you have to choose what you're prepared to do.

I don't at all blame you for not wanting to meet up outdoors at this time of year, I wouldn't either. And realistically even if you meet outdoors this week, you aren't going to want to in December so the meetings won't continue much longer anyway.

DipItAgain · 22/10/2021 14:35

The inside or outside thing wouldn't be relevant to me. These people showed you who they were when they didn't support you during your breakup, yet were happy for you to expose yourself to risk of infection to get their prescriptions.

So, for those reasons I wouldn't bother to meet them anywhere on the planet, inside or outside.