To be tired of meeting my friend outside

[cadburyegg]

I'll try and keep this vague as it's a bit outing.

I have a close friend who lives near me and when I was still with my H we used to be friends with her and her partner as a couple, when H and I split up last year I'm afraid to say she wasn't very supportive and it took about 6 months before she'd stop hinting that we should get back together, even though H had a new gf by that point.

The main problem is though that their lives are very much ruled by covid. They both wfh, have a 3 year old who is in nursery and they go swimming etc and to shops but socially they will still only meet family and friends outside. I was really understanding with them and for awhile I was getting their prescriptions etc from the pharmacy and picking up food for them, although I have stopped doing that now. We are meeting up next week with our children and as it will be over lunchtime, it'll be a picnic outside again.

I know this sounds really stupid but I am really sick of it. They are my age (early 30s), both double jabbed and not vulnerable (I'm considered vulnerable myself due to coeliac disease although I don't really consider myself at risk as I'm pretty healthy). I know if I say I'm not willing to meet outside now it's colder that will just mean not seeing them or letting the friendship die out which will be such a shame because I get on with them so well. I was really hoping since both being double jabbed they would be more willing to do things. like I said I have been really patient and sympathetic up to this point, i know this sounds really mean and awful but i don't know what to do.

Just leave them be and let them do what they are comfortable with
It's not pathetic
I think this is the time to be more cautious, people are getting complacent
I go swimming, on planes etc and still wear my mask everywhere
I've had all my vaccinations but I haven't put my life on hold for so long to take risks now
Are you sure she is not just trying to create a break in this friendship?

Play it by the weather. If it's a freezing or wet day, cry off. But if it's crisp and sunny, think of them as the people who are good at coaxing you outside in winter. Fresh air and outdoor winter picnics can be great fun and very invigorating, and kids love them if the weather is good.

Well if they go swimming etc why were you collecting prescriptions and shopping?

Same as if they send their child to nursery - education places have always been well known to be hotspots!

I'd arrange to do things outdoors that don't involve being over lunchtime.

Just say "we don't enjoy sitting outside in the cold having a picnic but appreciate it is for some. So let's meet at 10am at - then you can have your picnic with yours and me and mine are going to go into the cafe there".

Oh, arse to them. They were happy to let you - objectively the more vulnerable one - fetch their prescriptions and food so they didn’t have to set food in the COVID-riddled public places, but you’re not good enough for them to meet indoors now the weather’s turning.

Sod em.

I have a friend who is like this It has nearly ended our friendship. Despite being fully vaccinated with no health problems she will not meet indoors, sit on benches , or even drink a take away coffee. I refuse to meet her for a walk which involves not even sitting down on a bench. Her life has become incredibly narrow as a result. I just find it incomprehensible . I actually think it's a symptom of mental illness actually. Her conversation is dominated by Covid talk, it's almost as if she wants all the doom and gloom to continue.

As you can see by the thread, OP, there are plenty of people who would only be comfortable with meeting outside like your friends want to.

But your comfort level matters too. And it doesn’t sound like your friends have been particularly interested in that so far - not just sitting out in the rain, but expecting you to get food and prescriptions for them, and being unhelpful about your breakup. So they’re clearly not going to think “hmmm, what would cadburyegg want, what’s she going to feel comfortable with?” unless you explicitly tell them.

“It’s a bit cold for outdoor picnics now. Shall we do something else, or do you want to wait a while until the weather’s warmer?”

Tbh if their 3 yo is in nursery and they go to the petri dish that is a public swimming baths then I don't see their issue with you.

This. They're not exactly being consistent in their behaviour are they?

It really isn't up to you - or anyone else including posters saying they're ridiculous - to dictate other people's sense of their own safety. Plenty of people have contracted COVID despite being double jabbed. If you want to stay friends - and if that's deeply dependent on spending time with them - then wrap up warm and meet outside. Their slowness is supporting you - was that because they were also friends with your ex? Then that's ok I'd imagine, it's tricky for friends when a couple splits if they've been friends with both. It's not up to you to judge their wanting to be as safe as possible.

@FatBettyintheCoop sadly, European countries will not be far behind. Read the Covid stats thread for more info.

The fact that they go swimming contradicts everything. It’s ridiculous. You sound like you have been a kind accommodating friend but it doesn’t sound like you got the same in return when you were going through your divorce- I think for me that would seriously make me re-think and analyse the friendship. Don’t force yourself to sit outside in the cold if you don’t want to. They’ve made their choice to continue being ‘cautious’ so you stick with yours and put yourself first.

They are prioritising the contact they want. Swimming is more important to them than meeting with friends. She might be a close friend but she doesn't sound like a good friend. If you don't want to meet them outside, then don't. We might see real success with the new treatments, but if we don't, this will be their life from now on. But it doesn't have to be your life, over winter.

I did manage to read your post but it took a while to get past the bit about your so called friend trying to persuade you to get back with your H.

I would ditch her.

YANBU sod that, I’d say something

Can I just mention swimming's polls are actually pretty safe covid wise.

Chlorine kills covid in 30 seconds. They are also ventilated well.

My ds is a swimmer and the one place I don't worry about transmission and masks. I get there still a risk but it's quite low.

However nurseries and schools are very much petri dishes. They always have been - even ore covid!

Having said that I do think it's odd they'll go to a swimming pool and send a kid to nursery but expect others to do their shopping and prescriptions. Just because one is safer doesn't mean you can't take sensible precautions in another.

I've said all along those who have had the advantage of WFH have suffered the most with sensible risk assessment with covid. Those of use exposed from day 1 can make sensible decisions to minimise risk because we've had no choice! (I've worked in my school everyday since LD1)

I actually think the Covid aspect is a bit of a red herring. The way that the OP has written this makes me think that she doesn’t feel as though these are friends who really value or prioritise her.

They enjoyed meeting up with her and her partner but once they split up, they were less keen. They were happy for her to use her precious time to get them prescriptions but will only see her on their terms. It comes across as being “okay with seeing her … I suppose”.

If these were friends who were always super kind and supportive but who still wanted to meet outside, I expect the OP would do it.

Seeing friends should make you feel good. It doesn’t sound as though these people do that.

You can't do anything about them only do what you want. So invite them to yours/an indoor activity if they decline then say that's fine. If they suggest outdoors just say you don't want to. They can choose to go where you suggested or not.

If they specifically state it's covid reasons just agree to meet up again in the spring.

For what it's worth I agree with you that if they can go to a hot sweaty, germ breeding swimming pool then a coffee at yours for an hour is hardly a great risk!!

@AliceinBorderland

I was really understanding with them and for awhile I was getting their prescriptions etc from the pharmacy and picking up food for them, although I have stopped doing that now.

So they were happy for you be their skivvy and be outside in shops whilst they hid indoors and kept themselves safe from covid.

I'm surprised you did it. I'd drop them to be honest. They sound very selfish.

Yes, that was too much. Just meet up next spring.

If they go swimming I would think that just as much, if not more, of a risk than meeting indoors.

I think it's ridiculous. How long do they intend to continue like this, with winter coming on? I really don't understand how people can carry on like this indefinitely. Do they not go anywhere at all indoors - the shops, the doctors, the chemist, etc. etc. At some point, life has to go back to some sort of normality - and this is not normal.

I would say I find it too cold and if they are unwilling to meet indoors I would leave it at that. They didn't support you when you were at a low ebb but were happy for you to run errands for them and, according to their perception anyway, put your own health at risk. Not very nice friends.

As for the comment "if everybody did this, we wouldn't have a problem", that just doesn't make sense to me. At some point most people will have to go back to normal and, as has already been found, they will have much less resistance to any viruses or bacterial infections that are around so it all seems a bit pointless to me.

This makes no sense, if their kid is in nursery than he/she is mixing with a load of other kids who mix with their families and friends....they may as well go to a rave, kids are super spreaders. No logic, are they liking the drama of Covid?

Sounds like a not so great friend too if she didn't support you before.

What are people waiting for? When do we get to socialise fully again? I think the problem is people who have general anxiety.

I agree. I wonder the same thing. People seem happy to lose years of their life rather than take any risks at all. That’s no way to live. We have to accept that COVID is always going to be around and get on with life in a normal way.