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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of meeting my friend outside

172 replies

cadburyegg · 22/10/2021 12:56

I'll try and keep this vague as it's a bit outing.

I have a close friend who lives near me and when I was still with my H we used to be friends with her and her partner as a couple, when H and I split up last year I'm afraid to say she wasn't very supportive and it took about 6 months before she'd stop hinting that we should get back together, even though H had a new gf by that point.

The main problem is though that their lives are very much ruled by covid. They both wfh, have a 3 year old who is in nursery and they go swimming etc and to shops but socially they will still only meet family and friends outside. I was really understanding with them and for awhile I was getting their prescriptions etc from the pharmacy and picking up food for them, although I have stopped doing that now. We are meeting up next week with our children and as it will be over lunchtime, it'll be a picnic outside again.

I know this sounds really stupid but I am really sick of it. They are my age (early 30s), both double jabbed and not vulnerable (I'm considered vulnerable myself due to coeliac disease although I don't really consider myself at risk as I'm pretty healthy). I know if I say I'm not willing to meet outside now it's colder that will just mean not seeing them or letting the friendship die out which will be such a shame because I get on with them so well. I was really hoping since both being double jabbed they would be more willing to do things. like I said I have been really patient and sympathetic up to this point, i know this sounds really mean and awful but i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 22/10/2021 14:36

@DriftingBlue but if you feel so strongly that restaurants and indoor socialising are wrong, why would you go swimming and shopping?

I completely understand people who avoid all unnecessary indoor activity but these people don't seem very consistent.

Megan2018 · 22/10/2021 14:37

If not seeing someone for a few months will make a friendship die then let it die. They are entitled to be cautious but you don't have to see them if it doesn't suit you (I wouldn't do outdoor picnics now either).

I don't see some of my friends for years and years - we are still good friends.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 22/10/2021 14:39

Whilst they are total fools you can not blame them for their foolishness. This site is full of similarly minded fools.They've had 18 months of psychological warfare waged upon them.

scully29 · 22/10/2021 14:41

I cant understand whats wrong with the outdoors? Plenty of fun to be had outdoors.

maddening · 22/10/2021 14:43

Find a pub with outdoor seating with heaters?

LakeShoreD · 22/10/2021 14:46

Any excuse to ditch them tbh. They sound like horrible users who didn’t support you when you split from your ex and who were fine to do leisure stuff like swimming but somehow convinced you to do their shopping. For good friends I’d make compromises but they don’t sound worth it.

takenforgrantednana · 22/10/2021 14:47

@cadburyegg

I'll try and keep this vague as it's a bit outing.

I have a close friend who lives near me and when I was still with my H we used to be friends with her and her partner as a couple, when H and I split up last year I'm afraid to say she wasn't very supportive and it took about 6 months before she'd stop hinting that we should get back together, even though H had a new gf by that point.

The main problem is though that their lives are very much ruled by covid. They both wfh, have a 3 year old who is in nursery and they go swimming etc and to shops but socially they will still only meet family and friends outside. I was really understanding with them and for awhile I was getting their prescriptions etc from the pharmacy and picking up food for them, although I have stopped doing that now. We are meeting up next week with our children and as it will be over lunchtime, it'll be a picnic outside again.

I know this sounds really stupid but I am really sick of it. They are my age (early 30s), both double jabbed and not vulnerable (I'm considered vulnerable myself due to coeliac disease although I don't really consider myself at risk as I'm pretty healthy). I know if I say I'm not willing to meet outside now it's colder that will just mean not seeing them or letting the friendship die out which will be such a shame because I get on with them so well. I was really hoping since both being double jabbed they would be more willing to do things. like I said I have been really patient and sympathetic up to this point, i know this sounds really mean and awful but i don't know what to do.

the meeting up outside part is reasonable enough esp with the figures of covid being on the rise again with restrictions being put back in place. what is out of order tho is the fact they are willing to go swimming and to the shops, so why on earth are you doing the pharmacy trips and picking up food for them?

picnic outside sounds nice

Lunaduckdrop · 22/10/2021 14:47

Accept that their attitude to risk differs from yours and look for a compromise. There are plenty of cafes and pubs with heated outdoor spaces - no need to be a picnic on the cold ground martyr!

minatrina · 22/10/2021 14:50

[quote dreamingbohemian]@DriftingBlue but if you feel so strongly that restaurants and indoor socialising are wrong, why would you go swimming and shopping?

I completely understand people who avoid all unnecessary indoor activity but these people don't seem very consistent.[/quote]
For me there's a clear distinction that one is for the benefit and development of their child and the other is just for social purposes, so taking more risks is acceptable when the reward is higher.

But I agree that it sounds like you've been fed up with them for a while and are looking for an excuse to ditch them, OP. You would have been totally entitled to allow the friendship to fizzle out after how unsupportive your friend was about your divorce. It sounds like you've done a lot for them too, and you don't feel they've been appreciative. I'd get rid!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/10/2021 14:53

Covid numbers are really high so I don’t blame them taking precautions. Just decline the invite if you don’t want to be outdoors.

julieca · 22/10/2021 14:55

[quote dreamingbohemian]@DriftingBlue but if you feel so strongly that restaurants and indoor socialising are wrong, why would you go swimming and shopping?

I completely understand people who avoid all unnecessary indoor activity but these people don't seem very consistent.[/quote]
Because they are putting their child first? Swimming is low risk anyway except for changing rooms and it is of real benefit to children.
Shopping online is more expensive usually. And some shopping is pretty essential.

sunshinesupermum · 22/10/2021 14:55

I wouldn't agree to meeting outside now the weather is colder. So if they won't/can't meet indoors I think you'll have to let them get on with things on their own.

KaycePollard · 22/10/2021 14:55

like I said I have been really patient and sympathetic up to this point, i know this sounds really mean and awful but i don't know what to do.

I don't think people should judge other people's caution over this disease. I think this is an example of when in life we really should "Be Kind."

So I'm afraid @cadburyegg I think YABU. I find life is calmer and smoother for me, if I try not to judge others. It's not always possible and I'm not perfect, but I think this is one instance when you shouldn't judge.

UnsuitableHat · 22/10/2021 14:56

I don't think you can ask someone to meet indoors if they're not comfortable with that, whatever your opinion. I'd either wrap up warm and carry on meeting outside or tell them (truthfully) you don't really want to do that while it's cold and stop seeing them for a while. Hopefully this wouldn't mean your friendship dying out though.

Sprostongreen21 · 22/10/2021 14:57

I’ve got friends like this. I respect their wishes. If cases were lower I’d hope they would change their ways but To be honest with cases so high I’d imagine more choose this way of meeting up in the next few weeks or at least being more choosey of venues/contacts etc.

I eat and drink inside but choose bigger venues/spread out tables. I still wear masks in busy places like public transport

I’ve a double jabbed 40 yr old friend very sick with covid brought home via their school child. Not a mild case but really ill. Still at home but worrying. Covid is still here and causing many issues. We all handle it differently. I wouldn’t be doing their shopping though if not vulnerable and going swimming!

julieca · 22/10/2021 14:57

OP you don't have to see any friends. But I have put YABU partly because the range of places you can go indoors to socialise with a 3-year-old, is pretty limited anyway. They are not going to sit and have a nice long meal for example.
Even before the pandemic, I have spent cold days outside meeting friends with young children at a playground. Any inside time has been pretty limited to a quick hot drink and a bit of cake. So I am struggling to see what this wonderful indoor socialising would look like unless it is in each others houses.

TinaYouFatLard · 22/10/2021 14:59

Picnic in late October?!

I would say thank you but no thank you. I don’t think it’s healthy or helpful to pander to this level of fear (assuming they actually aren’t CEV).

Peach01 · 22/10/2021 15:00

If you don't want to meet outdoors you don't have to. It's your decision. That's how your friends choosing to do things at the moment, she's not shutting herself away from you. She must still want to see you. I wouldn't blame her for taking precautions where covids concerned.

BogRollBOGOF · 22/10/2021 15:00

They sound very self-absorbed and more than a tad hypocritical.

Unless you're in a considerably luckier part of the country than me, the forecasts look bloody awful for a picnic outside. Sitting around when it's 13⁰C id not leisurely. There's a lot of rain in the forecast.

Outside isn't necessarily terrible. If it's purposeful like a pumpkin picking session, that's fine. But controlling the relationship by only doing outside in an uncomfortable, unnatural way is not fine.

Friendship is a give and take. They're not taking.
The wonderful thing about friendship is that it's a choice and if it's not an enjoyable relationship, you can let it fizzle.

BogRollBOGOF · 22/10/2021 15:02

Oh, and do they always meet outside all winter every year to protect from common killers like flu, or at least mitigate from post-viral fatigue...

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/10/2021 15:02

I only do what I want these days. If I wasn't happy with meeting outside I'd say so and not go.
My parents have been ridiculous about meet up rules, all of us vaccinated up to the eyeballs, boostered, flu jabbed, I'm not driving 4 hours to talk for 5 minutes behind a glass screen outside their front door so I haven't seen them for 2 years.
This makes me selfish. I work full time in the NHS tons of overtime. I don't have time for doing things like this.
Just say no OP.

PottyMouther · 22/10/2021 15:03

Agree OP, that is inconsistent. Some people have strange ideas though.

My SIL had to self isolate with her (teenage) kids and genuinely thought that she was still fine to go to the supermarket as long as she didn't take the kids with herConfused

I agree that following whatever precautions people want to take to feel safe and comfortable is importantbut it's hard if someone has double standards.

I know this suggestion is polarising, but could you suggest a virtual meet up instead? That way you stay warm and the friendship can remain intact until it warms up again?

OtterAndDog · 22/10/2021 15:04

I wouldn't want to sit outside either. I'd just say it's too cold, then maybe you can make plans in the spring or summer.

julieca · 22/10/2021 15:05

And I am double jabbed and have been pretty ill with covid.

nokidshere · 22/10/2021 15:08

I'd not respect anyone who sat on ass at home and expected me to fetch and carry for them.

Just because someone expects something from you doesn't mean you have to do it.

I have friends who are still really cautious, some who aren't jabbed, some who are careful and some who have gone back to normal. It's up to them to manage their personal feelings. Just say no for now, a good friendship will outlast covid.