To feel scared/intimidated by autistic staff member

[orangemum92]

I work part time in an office of a large organisation and I also manage some staff, though most of them are remote. One of my direct reports in the office has quite severe Aspergers and was recently moved to my team from his previous team due to harassing a young female colleague (who happens to be of a similar age and appearance as me). He is fairly older.

I am not sure whether management told him the reason he was being moved. I also do not believe the woman's complaint was formalised; it was dealt with "off the books" basically as there is nothing on his file. The limited info I have is that he would follow her from work to her car every night, asked her out several times despite her saying no, and eventually attempted to coerce her by telling her to meet him at [place] on [date] at [time] as he had arranged a team night out. When she mentioned it to other colleagues, she learned there was no such thing planned and he had lied. Prior to this he was also separated from another female colleague of similar age and appearance though I have none of the details and again it was dealt with off the books.

He hasn't done anything that bold with me, but these are some of the things he does:

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.

To note, there is a colleague I work directly with who sits next to me (I'll refer to them as T). When T is present, he tends not to do these things (though T has seen it a couple of times from afar). Essentially he waits for T to leave the room and then approaches almost immediately.

This may make me sound like a terrible person but his entire behaviour around me just makes me entirely uncomfortable. There is the staring, but also his general demeanour when speaking to me - shaking vigorously, stuttering etc which he does not do around others. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child by someone with the exact same first name, disorder and mannerisms as him so it brings back awful memories. He is also extremely tall and built and I am tiny which again just adds to the intimidation.

I explained all of this to my manager (minus the childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing/can't help it because if that was the case, he wouldn't be waiting until no one else is present to do it. He is also very intelligent and can be very manipulative when he wants to be. Also when given any kind of negative feedback he snaps and become extremely angry so even if I did address it I would be worried about the consequences. I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying.

Anyway, in an attempt at resolving it indirectly, a few weeks ago I tried to rearrange the seating plan for our department, and I used the excuse of new people returning to the office. Everyone else moved as planned but he refused (quite aggressively) to move and got the union involved. The union then told me I'm not allowed to move him due to his Aspergers as it causes him distress.

The reason I'm asking this question now is because T (who is a great deterrent for his behaviour) is on annual leave for 2 weeks from Monday. I am extremely anxious about this as I know the colleague will be staring and harassing me constantly. In the past when T has been off, I struggle to focus on my work as I spend most of the shift on edge and aware of him constantly staring at me.

I'm contemplating having a meeting tomorrow and kindly asking him to move again but I don't know if that will be futile as he will most likely involve the union again. I want to know if there's anything else I can actually do other than request to be moved teams which I really would prefer not to do. I have an anxiety disorder and have worked on the team for ages, I am comfortable and happy there and moving would mean being away from T who has been the most amazing support for me for years and helps me with my anxiety brilliantly.

Also for the record in case anyone thinks I could be biased - I have managed several staff over the years who have had Aspergers, autism and various other disorders and they've all been brilliant. I've had one or two who have overstepped boundaries either with myself or other staff but were completely receptive to the feedback and stopped the behaviour. This situation is different as I'm being told I'm not allowed to address it with him.

AIBU here? Am I just being an insensitive paranoid b or should I/my manager/ work be doing more to curtail his behaviour?

Get HR and your union involved. And when you make your official harassment complaint, you need to mention that fact that he was moved to your team due to previous harassment complaints which have not been added to his file or made official. You also need to mention in your complaint that you have tried to mitigate things by having a third party in meetings and by moving him further away form you but have been refused these request by your manager who has also refused to take you seriously. Make sure you quote her "awww" in response to your complaint about the harassment.

It needs to be really clear in your complaint that the culture of the company is to silence women who complain about this man and prevent them taking any action to keep themselves safe.

If he retaliates with union complaints or shouting about discrimination, which it sounds like he will, there is no other paperwork related to his behaviour so get it all in yours. The company need to face the fact that they are pushing women aside and letting this man behave however he wants.

OP, as with the previous victims, as soon as the business is more frightened that YOU will win a tribunal against them then he will, he will he moved to another manager. As a victim of sexual harassment, you need to formalise your concerns in such a way that this is clear. I would include everything you know of prior victims as this will make clear how untenable your employer's position is on that front.

Ultimately he needs to be managed and/or paid out. This has nothing to do with any underlying neurodiversity, and everything to do with the fact that he also happens to be a sexual predator who is predating in the office and exposing his employer to potential lawsuits. The employer will not care about employee welfare, it's all about money and legal liability, so you need to get them thinking about the legal aspect of YOU as victim #3 on their watch and with their full knowledge and facilitation - without explicitly saying that, of course.

It’s about reasonable adjustments. Simple allowing him to carry on with this behaviour is not reasonable as it is causing not insignificant harm to colleagues, which will then impact on the work.

Can occupational health give you and your manager any advice on how to communicate with him that this behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop so that it does indeed stop? (I suspect not if they’re anything like ours…)

For now, him sitting in your line of sight isn’t compatible with the rest of his behaviour so your manager needs to pick which he/she will sort

This is unacceptable op. So
Sorry.

@Floogal Also please can people stop saying Asperger's Syndrome. It is an outdated and offensive term due to connotations with Action T4

Plenty of people refer to themselves as having Aspergers. Who the hell are you to tell them what they should be called?

He is way out of order and his behaviour is very worrying. IMO he is stalking you.
Your manager seems to want to shield him from the repercussions of his actions, both in terms of his unsatisfactory performance at work and his harassment of you.
Your anxiety disorder is also a disability, so be very aware of that. It is just as relevant as his disability, and work cannot discriminate between you.
Please speak to your union and HR about this.
I feel so sorry you are going through this

@FloogalAlso please can people stop saying Asperger's Syndrome. It is an outdated and offensive term due to connotations with Action T4

I'm not sure who widely known this is? I work in MH and we moved to ASD long ago, but I thought this was just due to Aspergers being really confusing as a diagnosis.

My mum has moderate ASD but calls herself Aspergers, she finds this articulates her level of functioning better. Potentially because my brother has very severe and profound autism, it's such a wide spectrum.

Autism doesn't give you a free pass to act however you like! Myself and my DS are autistic and I'd hate people to think that makes us 'not able to help' harassing someone else. He may need some support to change his behaviour but he absolutely cannot be allowed to harass you. Hopefully you can get your union involved.

To the OP - you sound like a really decent line manager who has been left down by your organisation.

It's arguably discrimination to withold from him the reason he was moved due to his disability. Particularly as it's still discussed as fact within the management team. He could easily say it's slander although it's not and he's a creep

It’s irrelevant if this behavior has something to do with autism or not. It’s sexual harassment and there’s never a justification for that to happen, to any woman. Your manager is being very unprofessional OP, she’s supposed to care about all of her employees but has left you out in the cold because apparently she can’t distinguish the difference between her private situation (her autistic son) and her responsibilities at work.
I wouldn’t take someone with this unprofessional behavior seriously anymore and therefore would go up to higher management to raise a complaint about the situation and about her. I would also create a paper trail. Get evidence in the form of :

• GP visit because the situation has triggered your anxiety
• Union involved
• Complaint made to higher management. Make a face to face appointment to discuss the matter, follow up with a report from the meeting emailed to them

Before you have the meeting, make a diary of all the events, approach the other women that were harassed and get their story. I would go even as far as buying a bodycam, that you can wear in your free time, and switch on when you see him again ‘accidentally’ being near you/ approaching you.

Proving that someone is stalking you unfortunately involves a lot of evidence so gather as much of it as you can, in any way possible. Don’t feel guilty. They don’t feel guilty either for what they’re doing to you and you were put in this situation by a predator and an employer that is failing to keep you safe. I’m livid on your behalf and the rest of Mumsnet with me.
Stand up for yourself, this isn’t right.
Good luck!

1. Log it with HR. Management is being quite rubbish on handling this person
2. Do not ask him to move. Move your desk, or install a screen in front of your desk, or move to another office, anything that makes impossible for him to keep an eye on you.
3. This is hard, and you should not really be in this position, so it could be better for you to change team indeed. Be self aware of his similarities with this person in your past, and that this may make you more sensitive to this, so not to judge this man bu what happened in your past. Neither to ignore your gut feelings! I see you are checking this with T, so you know something is amiss with behaviour towards you. I would actually share this with HR.

They are trying to protect his feelings, and they will also do so with yours, and in this case it is of extreme importance. This issue with him trying to get this colleague to turn up in a place by lying about a team get together is scary. It is time these things get recorded officially. Because if that had been recorded, your situation would be much clearer to HR now.

Your manager clearly needs training in how to deal with these sorts of situations as she seems to think all can be excused by his ASD so clearly she knows very little about his condition

HR must be officially involved

[quote MaskingForIt]**@Floogal* Also please can people stop saying Asperger's Syndrome. It is an outdated and offensive term due to connotations with Action T4*

Plenty of people refer to themselves as having Aspergers. Who the hell are you to tell them what they should be called?[/quote]
yeah I was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome about 3 years ago. its very much still in use in the UK.
If people want to change the name because they dont want it associated with anyone who worked under the nazis then thats one thing, but if its to start pretending that all autism is the same then that is definitely not a consensus amongst autistic people at all

@tintodeverano2

You need to make an official complaint about his behaviour. So it's not "off the record" like the other two women. Also, his special needs do not outweigh your need to feel safe. He is harassing you. I think maybe contact the police if he is following you outside of work.

Also I'd include a lines... Something like.

I understand he has done similar with at least two other women workers, who importantly, have a similar appearance to me. Eg personal questions, standing too close, turning up 'coincidently' outside work.

I understand this was addressed off the record,.and he moved office, there is no official record of this.

This is alarming, given all the red flags this man is displaying.

Please give this your urgent intention.

I do not feel safe. Any woman would in such a situation.

I would report him to your local police force in all honesty, I would do it today, now if you can. Tell them what’s going on at work, his history and how you suspect he may be following/stalking you.

@Lachimolala

I would report him to your local police force in all honesty, I would do it today, now if you can. Tell them what’s going on at work, his history and how you suspect he may be following/stalking you.

Actually... Given that your employers are being so hopeless..

Would definitely report to the police

Sounds like classic neckbeard behaviour to me. You can listen to more accounts from folks here:

PLEASE take this seriously. Escalate and do not just accept it. Some of these accounts have very dark endings.

I believe the chaps Autism is contributing to his behavior and he really does need to be told in an appropriate way that it’s unacceptable.

Could your HR people get advice from the NAS or the likes on how to deal with the situation.

Also, there’s an Australian series on Netflix that covers those on the spectrum starting to date and it goes into a lot of what it takes to get people actually being able to go on a date. You might find it interesting and it may give you a good idea as to why people can be very confused about what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

You’ve said the person is older and I wonder if he’s too old to have had much if any support when younger and as a result he absolutely has very little idea as to how to/how not to go about things.

This is how bad bad shit can start.

Complain in writing, formally.

Get your seat moved if they won't move his.

Keep yourself safe OP. If interactions with your manager don't sort this you have to go to HR/higher level and say you don't feel safe and won't manage this person.

Disability is not an excuse for this. There are creeps in all shapes and sizes and this is one.

I keep thinking about this post, and yes he is a sexual predator and we know what happened recently when a predator was left to get away with it for so long. I’m not trying to frighten you or suggest he is going to do something horrific. But it’s the sweeping it under the carpet situation. You may wish to use the example in your argument for this serious situation to be dealt with. I know it’s ironic to mention reporting to the police given what I’ve referred to above.
Any update OP?

@greenlynx

I disagree, it’s connected with his autism. He’s got problem with reading social clues and understanding social situations, he sees world a bit differently and reacts differently. That’s why it needs to be tackled ASAP for his own good. I would advise never to have 121 interactions with him and generally keep your interactions as formal and short as possible. A friend got similar situation at work when one of colleagues ( who’s got quite severe Aspergers) became obsessed with her. It became very uncomfortable for her and this person later had a nervous breakdown when learned that she’s got boyfriend. This person then became focused on another girl, was certain that she’s interested in him (she wasn’t) and had even worse breakdown with aggressive outbursts and was hospitalized. So I would raise the issue straight away with your manager and HR. Your colleague might benefit from seeing a psychologist which sometimes could be provided through workplace. He also might benefit from the arrangements when he takes someone with him to the meetings (as on his side) so the meetings are never 121. I found really worrying the part that the previous cases involved females of similar age and appearance. It’s not a good sign. Having autism doesn’t mean that he can’t have other mental health issues, quite the opposite.

Having problems reading social cues doesn’t cause anyone to lie to a female employee saying that there’s a work place meet up to manipulate her to meet him one on one there. It also doesn’t cause anyone to hide these behaviours when another employee (T) is present.

I have noticed, as an autistic woman, behavioural problems like this in autistic men (which are both linked to their autism and their maleness) are allowed to run rampant in organisations and groups because nobody wants to be accused of discrimination. Often it’s treated as a ‘broken stair’ problem, ie new female recruits are warned about the man, but nothing gets done about him.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this at work, OP. Probably going the formal route is the only way at this point as he clearly isn’t listening to feedback. A reasonable adjustment for ASD is something like ‘exempt from hotdesking’ or ‘no short notice schedule changes’, not ‘allowed to harass women with impunity’.

This is the result of our society becoming increasingly litigious. Now employers are frightened to discipline or fire a disabled employee in case they’re accused of discrimination, even when said employee is engaging in unacceptable behaviour. As pp said, the only way round this is to convince the employer that you’ll sue them too if they don’t sort this out.

its definitely him, not you, and i agree with a previous posters assertion that your managers attitude towards him is dangerous and patronizing.

He is not some innocent child to be pandered to or coo'd over because of his disability.

His autism isn't an excuse to ignore his behavour, he cannot correct it if people don't inform him that its making them uncomfortable.

I would record everything, go back to your manager and try again, by email if necessary, and CC your HR dept and your managers manager.

I would also consider that the next time he approaches you in public that you tell him FIRMLY to leave you alone and stop following you.

Your manager is not allowed to tell you that you cannot report him. And unless you are his manager, you are not responsible for ensuring he does his work. That is not your problem. He does not need to be anywhere near you.

Tell him directly, to his face 'please stop xyz. Your behavior is making me uncomfortable. I don't like it. If you don't stop I will report it to HR.' His aspergers is not an excuse.

If it continues, do just that. Go over your managers head to HR and drop her in it too, tell them that she has forbidden you to address it even though his behaviour is making you feel intimidated and unsafe. Make sure you do this in writing and if you know who your area/regional manager is, copy them in too.