To feel scared/intimidated by autistic staff member

[orangemum92]

I work part time in an office of a large organisation and I also manage some staff, though most of them are remote. One of my direct reports in the office has quite severe Aspergers and was recently moved to my team from his previous team due to harassing a young female colleague (who happens to be of a similar age and appearance as me). He is fairly older.

I am not sure whether management told him the reason he was being moved. I also do not believe the woman's complaint was formalised; it was dealt with "off the books" basically as there is nothing on his file. The limited info I have is that he would follow her from work to her car every night, asked her out several times despite her saying no, and eventually attempted to coerce her by telling her to meet him at [place] on [date] at [time] as he had arranged a team night out. When she mentioned it to other colleagues, she learned there was no such thing planned and he had lied. Prior to this he was also separated from another female colleague of similar age and appearance though I have none of the details and again it was dealt with off the books.

He hasn't done anything that bold with me, but these are some of the things he does:

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.

To note, there is a colleague I work directly with who sits next to me (I'll refer to them as T). When T is present, he tends not to do these things (though T has seen it a couple of times from afar). Essentially he waits for T to leave the room and then approaches almost immediately.

This may make me sound like a terrible person but his entire behaviour around me just makes me entirely uncomfortable. There is the staring, but also his general demeanour when speaking to me - shaking vigorously, stuttering etc which he does not do around others. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child by someone with the exact same first name, disorder and mannerisms as him so it brings back awful memories. He is also extremely tall and built and I am tiny which again just adds to the intimidation.

I explained all of this to my manager (minus the childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing/can't help it because if that was the case, he wouldn't be waiting until no one else is present to do it. He is also very intelligent and can be very manipulative when he wants to be. Also when given any kind of negative feedback he snaps and become extremely angry so even if I did address it I would be worried about the consequences. I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying.

Anyway, in an attempt at resolving it indirectly, a few weeks ago I tried to rearrange the seating plan for our department, and I used the excuse of new people returning to the office. Everyone else moved as planned but he refused (quite aggressively) to move and got the union involved. The union then told me I'm not allowed to move him due to his Aspergers as it causes him distress.

The reason I'm asking this question now is because T (who is a great deterrent for his behaviour) is on annual leave for 2 weeks from Monday. I am extremely anxious about this as I know the colleague will be staring and harassing me constantly. In the past when T has been off, I struggle to focus on my work as I spend most of the shift on edge and aware of him constantly staring at me.

I'm contemplating having a meeting tomorrow and kindly asking him to move again but I don't know if that will be futile as he will most likely involve the union again. I want to know if there's anything else I can actually do other than request to be moved teams which I really would prefer not to do. I have an anxiety disorder and have worked on the team for ages, I am comfortable and happy there and moving would mean being away from T who has been the most amazing support for me for years and helps me with my anxiety brilliantly.

Also for the record in case anyone thinks I could be biased - I have managed several staff over the years who have had Aspergers, autism and various other disorders and they've all been brilliant. I've had one or two who have overstepped boundaries either with myself or other staff but were completely receptive to the feedback and stopped the behaviour. This situation is different as I'm being told I'm not allowed to address it with him.

AIBU here? Am I just being an insensitive paranoid b or should I/my manager/ work be doing more to curtail his behaviour?

I and DS have ASD. DH often gets depressed and anxious. May explain the guy's behaviour, but certainly doesn't excuse it.
Similar example would be Ronnie Kray was gay and had schizophrenia, but he did some awful things and was rightly licked up the rest of his life.
Also please can people stop saying Asperger's Syndrome. It is an outdated and offensive term due to connotations with Action T4

Everyone on here has said the same thing, please do something about it today.

It's not you, it's him

I came to the conclusion my colleague was a narcissist, having seen similarities to his behaviour and Donald Trump's. His main topics of conversation being how clever and important he was, and how hard done by/unappreciated.
Certainly I've had other colleagues who I suspect have ASD, all perfectly decent people who would never behave like this.

Also remember, that people with ASD or schizophrenia etc are much more likely to be VICTIMS of violence than perpetrators. Dead man's shoes only scratches the surface

@Silenceisgolden20

I would also call the police and mention the things outside of work, then it is logged somewhere how unsafe you feel. Keep saying that, keep repeating how unsafe and disturbing his behaviour is. It needs to be addressed and needs to be taken seriously. Tell Hr you are speaking to the police, keep everything written down

This!! For god sake tell work that you are reporting this to the police, it's utterly ridiculous and that women are expected to accept being harassed without complaint while some creepy fucker gets away with quite frankly illegal behaviour

@Floogal

Also remember, that people with ASD or schizophrenia etc are much more likely to be VICTIMS of violence than perpetrators. Dead man's shoes only scratches the surface

Doesn't stop them being the guilty party.

This guy ASD or not is intimating female staff, tried to get a lady out on her own under false presences, and isn't performing at work.
He cannot use ASD as an excuse for all of it, women shouldn't be having to put up with it and the business shouldn't be carrying a passenger.

They are clearly scared to deal with him.

I feel very sorry for you OP, sounds so stressful.

I agree with everyone else, take it higher.

@Floogal

Also remember, that people with ASD or schizophrenia etc are much more likely to be VICTIMS of violence than perpetrators. Dead man's shoes only scratches the surface

You are literally saying this on a thread about a woman being the VICTIM of harassment by a man.

That comment is not only unhelpful in the context of this thread, but also irrelevant to this situation.

THIS person with ASD is a PERPETRATOR.

@IndecentCakes

I'm autistic (and a woman) I wonder how many women with autism would act like this to a man.

I was just about to say, I doubt there are many autistic women behaving like this. Which makes me think his behaviour is far more to do with being a man than being autistic.

Can you arrange a meeting with one, or preferably both, of the female employees who have had similar issues with this man? Presumably they will know exactly what you're going through and would be happy to back up your formal complaint and add their own testimony.
The company have swept this under the carpet for too long and the consequences don't bear thinking about. I can't believe they'd ignore the fact that an older male employee tried to trick a younger female employee, who he had become fixated on, into meeting him alone under the guise of a team night out, the red flags can be seen from space.

Its him not you. He is behaving like a stalker. Massively inappropriate.
Noones doing him any favours by not calling him out. If he is developing obsessive behaviour over female colleagues then you deserve reassurance that you are safe. Its patronising that they think he cant help it. Hes able enough to hold down a job.
Im saying this as an autistic person with autistic kids and ive always felt very aware of the need for them to understand consent and boundaries, as theory of mind can make this more difficult, but the consequences are too risky if its not reinforced. Along with tendancy to obsessive interests.
Vast vast majority of autistic people are not like this of course and plenty of creepy men are not autistic, but despite all the men in the office deciding its harmless, you and female colleagues are intimidated and stalked. Management need to deal with this under threat of getting police involved or losing you then claiming constructive dismissal

Why on earth can't it be explained to him that you find some of his behaviours uncomfortable? That's ludicrous. That's absolutely the opposite of supporting someone in the workplace!

Because of Autism (Aspergers is out of date as a diagnosis and has eugenics connections)he might not pick up on the inappropriateness and obviousness of his interest in you. He does literally need to be told, calmly and consistently each time.
His anger management problem is also not something to pander to. The manager needs to step up.

*the manager is failing to support you AND him in the workplace. Make that very clear.

@Floogal

Also remember, that people with ASD or schizophrenia etc are much more likely to be VICTIMS of violence than perpetrators. Dead man's shoes only scratches the surface

That's not relevent to the OPs situation though is it? This man is not her victim. He is behaving, and has a history of behaving inappropriately towards young women.

Why on earth can't it be explained to him that you find some of his behaviours uncomfortable?

Because he knows exactly what he is doing and using ASD as an excuse not to face the consequences.
The fact he tried to get a woman out alone by making her thing it was a group night out speaks volumes. He didn't just ask her on a date.

No matter his condition, it doesn't give him (or anyone) the right to act like this. Involve the union and raise a grievance.

What a mess!
Can you report to HR as a harassment case?
Unfortunately as your workplace refuses to deal with it and he has gotten the Union involved you have to use every means necessary. Can you get yourself an employment lawyer or ring ACAS?

And yes he is using is ASD as an excuse. Fact that he’s underperforming as well.
He should be fired

He's getting away with it because the company is terrified he'll sue them if they do anything. So there's your answer - you need to make them scared of YOU. Get the union involved, raise a formal grievance, put everything in writing. Tell them you're speaking to an employment lawyer. Put a rocket under their incompetent arses.

I mean the managers. They absolutely CAN and SHOULD be taking responsibility in the workplace to deal with him overstepping boundaries in the office. It should have been tackled ages ago. It needs to be spelled out sometimes many times. Obviously the pattern is quite ingrained now. He acts awfully and says 'asd' so the company has moved him around rather than put someone on being the person who cutlrtails him. "Bob" needs to learn boundaries and be constantly reminded until he gets it. T presumably is saying something or doing something that "Bob" does pick up on. But I'm guessing T is not supervising "Bob" in terms of management.

Make the company scared of you AND that they are actually failing him too. Then it's a double whammy. If you were to turn around and hit Bob (not that you would) they'd be fucked. Utterly fucked.

How old is the man in question? It seems unlikely to me that this is new behaviour given you know he has been moved twice in your workplace. I do think it would be worth talking to the police in case he has a history of stalking.

I am an Aspie. The way he is behaving is not a function of being autistic and is unacceptable. He is harrassing you and your employer has a duty to protect you as well as him. You may have to be far more assertive about this with the union and your employer. I an sorry you are in this position, it sounds awful.

@Askmeafterchristmas

It's nothing to do with his autism. Autism doesn't make people creepy sex pests. He's making you feel uncomfortable because he's a dickhead weirdo peice of shit.

Agree he's a dickhead weirdo piece if shit, and that people with ASD aren't creepy sex pests, but autism it is likely making it harder for him to perceive OP's feelings and recognise badly how he's coming across.

Which is exactly why it needs addressing very firmly, not sweeping under the carpet. I also question whether this is the case, otherwise he would not be so careful in choosing his moments for this behaviour (when the OP is alone) and look away when she catches him staring. He clearly knows that the behaviour is wrong.

I don't believe the behaviour is anything to do with his ASD either but even if we assumed it did do you still think you should have to put up with it? Addressing sexual harassment is not discrimination but failing to address it could be indirect sex discrimination.

You are intimidated by someone you are supposed to manage and your managers are doing nothing to support you despite everyone else being able to see how inappropriate the behaviour is and the fact it is not the first time it has been an issue.

Everyone with ASD is being done a disservice by this behaviour being tolerated. So much of what you've written indicates he is fully aware that his behaviour is not acceptable. I would be keeping a record of everything, his behaviour, your managers responses when you raise concerns and I would involve a union if you haven't already done so. It's not fair for you to feel like this at work and some of the behaviour you've written about is very concerning to say the least.