To feel scared/intimidated by autistic staff member

[orangemum92]

I work part time in an office of a large organisation and I also manage some staff, though most of them are remote. One of my direct reports in the office has quite severe Aspergers and was recently moved to my team from his previous team due to harassing a young female colleague (who happens to be of a similar age and appearance as me). He is fairly older.

I am not sure whether management told him the reason he was being moved. I also do not believe the woman's complaint was formalised; it was dealt with "off the books" basically as there is nothing on his file. The limited info I have is that he would follow her from work to her car every night, asked her out several times despite her saying no, and eventually attempted to coerce her by telling her to meet him at [place] on [date] at [time] as he had arranged a team night out. When she mentioned it to other colleagues, she learned there was no such thing planned and he had lied. Prior to this he was also separated from another female colleague of similar age and appearance though I have none of the details and again it was dealt with off the books.

He hasn't done anything that bold with me, but these are some of the things he does:

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.

To note, there is a colleague I work directly with who sits next to me (I'll refer to them as T). When T is present, he tends not to do these things (though T has seen it a couple of times from afar). Essentially he waits for T to leave the room and then approaches almost immediately.

This may make me sound like a terrible person but his entire behaviour around me just makes me entirely uncomfortable. There is the staring, but also his general demeanour when speaking to me - shaking vigorously, stuttering etc which he does not do around others. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child by someone with the exact same first name, disorder and mannerisms as him so it brings back awful memories. He is also extremely tall and built and I am tiny which again just adds to the intimidation.

I explained all of this to my manager (minus the childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing/can't help it because if that was the case, he wouldn't be waiting until no one else is present to do it. He is also very intelligent and can be very manipulative when he wants to be. Also when given any kind of negative feedback he snaps and become extremely angry so even if I did address it I would be worried about the consequences. I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying.

Anyway, in an attempt at resolving it indirectly, a few weeks ago I tried to rearrange the seating plan for our department, and I used the excuse of new people returning to the office. Everyone else moved as planned but he refused (quite aggressively) to move and got the union involved. The union then told me I'm not allowed to move him due to his Aspergers as it causes him distress.

The reason I'm asking this question now is because T (who is a great deterrent for his behaviour) is on annual leave for 2 weeks from Monday. I am extremely anxious about this as I know the colleague will be staring and harassing me constantly. In the past when T has been off, I struggle to focus on my work as I spend most of the shift on edge and aware of him constantly staring at me.

I'm contemplating having a meeting tomorrow and kindly asking him to move again but I don't know if that will be futile as he will most likely involve the union again. I want to know if there's anything else I can actually do other than request to be moved teams which I really would prefer not to do. I have an anxiety disorder and have worked on the team for ages, I am comfortable and happy there and moving would mean being away from T who has been the most amazing support for me for years and helps me with my anxiety brilliantly.

Also for the record in case anyone thinks I could be biased - I have managed several staff over the years who have had Aspergers, autism and various other disorders and they've all been brilliant. I've had one or two who have overstepped boundaries either with myself or other staff but were completely receptive to the feedback and stopped the behaviour. This situation is different as I'm being told I'm not allowed to address it with him.

AIBU here? Am I just being an insensitive paranoid b or should I/my manager/ work be doing more to curtail his behaviour?

@orangemum92 Are the higher ups aware that you suffer from anxiety? His needs don't trump yours. And no woman should be banned from telling a man he makes her feel uncomfortable.

I would report everything that happens. If this is 2 or more times, surely there must come a point when he'll lose his job for inappropriate behaviour towards women (or so you would hope.)

ASD or not, he's a creep. There are plenty of people with ASD who aren't creeps.

I think his autism will have something to do with his behaviour, it sounds like he's struggling to recognise your discomfort and perspective related to his behaviour.

@Askmeafterchristmas There are people who will take on board criticism of their behaviour/requests to change it and people who won't. But if OP isn't allowed to say to him that he makes her feel uncomfortable, that's limiting what could be an opportunity for him to change.

As an autist, I can say quite honestly that I'm shocked by the situation. Has no-one actually told him before why he's been moved? Has he not had the behaviours flagged up to him? I'd be crapping myself if someone behaved like that, and that's before following you into and around town. How creepy. Nasty.

I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable.

The fuck you're not. You can tell anyone who is harassing you that they need to stop.

It's nothing to do with his autism. Autism doesn't make people creepy sex pests. He's making you feel uncomfortable because he's a dickhead weirdo peice of shit.

Agree. I have an adult son with Aspergers and this is not normal. I also disagree with many other things such as the instruction from your workplace he can’t be pulled up on untoward behaviours. That’s exactly what people with Aspergers need if it’s not apparent to them, it’s not discriminatory, it’s actually helping them.

The fact he stops when T is there makes is more likely he knows what he is doing is not acceptable.
Sounds like the management don't want to be honest about his behaviour.
Autism doesn't make someone a sex pest, difficulty communicating or reading signals perhaps.

I’d just be direct with him. Stop talking to everyone else about his behaviour and if they would find it creepy etc. Moving seats may be far more problematic for him than you think so I’d drop that. Why don’t you move or introduce a screen?

I think you should speak to your union and see if they're willing to help.

I had a very similar problem, his creepy staring got to bad my patients started to notice and comment on it. Things only improved when I moved departments and didn't have to see him as regularly.

I'm wondering if anyone has told him straight up his behaviour is unacceptable or have they just moved him without telling him why and expecting him to know why?

Typical work political correctness and gentle management doesn't work . You need to be direct and tell him his behaviour is unsettling you. You shouldn't tip toe or gloss over as likely he won't understand. I don't think your manager is helping you or him in the long run if they keep attempting to gloss over it

The manager you’ve complained to are using his autism as an excuse not to treat him and you in a fair and non discriminatory way. They have to deal with this and it’s really not fair on the guy either, if he’s being put in a position where he doesn’t realise or be clearly told of the impact of his behaviour. I think that is very patronising and they are treating him less than they would others.

It’s a bit much to leave this up to you. You can’t be expected and shouldn’t be, to know how to deal and manage him. This needs to be taken out of your hands.

The guy may need certain accommodations at work, which is his business and his right. He also needs to clear guidelines about co working, as any other person would, and if again he needed accommodations to achieve that, that’s his manager or HR’s responsibility. There are plenty of agencies out there working specifically with neurodiverse people in employment who can help his manager and him. For example he may find it quite difficult to work with you and might feel like you expect some conversation. Or he may just need his own office space and shorter times with others with more of a structure for social interaction.

But you need to be able to work and so I would be insisting they manage this for you.

My mum has spent most of her career working with adults with disabilities, including autism.

I once saw my mum and a service user on a bus, and the service user exposed his penis to me.

On a bus.

I was like, 15.

My mum handled it well and then put a complaint in to her employers saying that service user was not ready to be supported in public because his actions were inappropriate and he needs more support before being allowed to risk that again.

Obviously the management went down the route of saying he can't help it, what can you do eh, it's autism, got to make allowances for it.

But my mum is absolutely right. We can not let people use autism as an excuse to be stalkers, predators, harassers, or make others feel unsafe.

The kind of support they're offering him at work to live a normal lifestyle should not come at the expense of other staffs comfort. And if they can't manage this behaviour in a way that keeps staff safe then he is not compatible with that company.

Overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all so much. Will try to respond to specific qs individually.

I was honestly worried about getting flamed for being overdramatic because while some colleagues have shared my concerns, others see it as a bit of a running joke, and my manager was very dismissive which made me think I was overreacting. However, she has openly admitted to me that she has a "soft spot" for this man because her child has the same disorder as him. It's such a shame because she's been a brilliant manager in every other aspect, the best one I've had, but you're right in saying I need to go above her as her judgment seems to be clouded here.

Our HR is all external via email and they usually take days to respond but there are union reps in the office so I'll speak to one tomorrow. I cannot even explain how helpful you've all been. If I hadn't posted here I probably would've continued to convince myself I was in the wrong.

My mum handled it well and then put a complaint in to her employers saying that service user was not ready to be supported in public because his actions were inappropriate and he needs more support before being allowed to risk that again. Sounds so sensible of your Mum. I am also of the belief that we give everyone dignity, and part of that is not letting someone be in a position where they might cause harm, through lack of help and preparation. That man was probably given no help or support to understand he couldn’t expose himself, which to me is also taking away his dignity as a human being too.

Also just for the record I've not approached anyone other than T and my manager about his behaviour, it's other colleagues that have come to me with their observations. And have occasionally heard some of the more "dark humour" types making jokes about it.

This is not OK. I am not convinced this behaviour is due to his ASD but, by not addressing this, work are making it far worse.
Scenario 1) Not due to ASD = allowing someone to harass their colleagues.
Scenario 2) ASD = he doesn't know he is being inappropriate. Work are effectively discriminating against him (as well as you) as they are not providing him with adequate feedback so he can change the inappropriate behaviour. They are letting you all down.
I think work are trying not to be discriminatory but if he is continually allowed to do this at work, he may well end up with a criminal record for stalking/harassment. They are doing him no favours if he is genuinely unaware.

I suspect though, that he repeatedly uses his ASD as an excuse. This is much harder to deal with and is probably why senior management are so wary. You need to get your union and HR involved. Get advice from your union and, if he is following you home, get advice from the police. Protect yourself by putting everything in writing with your manager.

I'm autistic. Autism/ Aspergers are no excuse for behaving the way he does and in fact there have been discussions in autism groups I am a member of about how autistic men can get away with horrible behaviour towards womenh.

He does need to be confronted about his behaviour and the effect he has, turning up where you are outside work could be seen as stalking.

I hope that you are also a member of a union who can represent you. You deserve to work in an environment where you feel safe.

I disagree, it’s connected with his autism. He’s got problem with reading social clues and understanding social situations, he sees world a bit differently and reacts differently. That’s why it needs to be tackled ASAP for his own good. I would advise never to have 121 interactions with him and generally keep your interactions as formal and short as possible.
A friend got similar situation at work when one of colleagues ( who’s got quite severe Aspergers) became obsessed with her. It became very uncomfortable for her and this person later had a nervous breakdown when learned that she’s got boyfriend. This person then became focused on another girl, was certain that she’s interested in him (she wasn’t) and had even worse breakdown with aggressive outbursts and was hospitalized. So I would raise the issue straight away with your manager and HR.
Your colleague might benefit from seeing a psychologist which sometimes could be provided through workplace. He also might benefit from the arrangements when he takes someone with him to the meetings (as on his side) so the meetings are never 121.
I found really worrying the part that the previous cases involved females of similar age and appearance. It’s not a good sign. Having autism doesn’t mean that he can’t have other mental health issues, quite the opposite.

They’ll be terrified of a discrimination claim. That’s why they’re walking on eggshells around him. I have worked in this area and let me tell you, it’s an utter minefield for employers.

Inappropriate behaviour can definitely be a result of autism. I've experienced stalker like behaviour from a fellow student at university who used to behave in a similar way, staring, following me about, imagining we were going to be having a relationship when nothing was less likely.
I also many years later worked with an autistic man who while not a stalker did have some inappropriate behaviour . The latter was a really nice person and was always mortified if pulled up on his behaviour but it still caused concern for some colleagues.

Yes allowances can be made but not at the expense of other people's personal safety.
You need to be very direct and tell him to stop. In his mind he is probably in with a good chance of starting a relationship with you. It would be better if someone else manages him. Don't have one to one meetings with him. He is not going to be able to take hints that iyou are not interested so spell it out. If his reaction is anything other than apologetic then I think you can't hope for any improvement.
I would definitely be putting all this in writing to the HR department. Just be factual and unemotional.

I do not believe that you can't tell him that his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell him.
Arrange a meeting with HR as soon as possible.
Arrange a meeting with your union.
Move seats.
Keep a diary and note his behaviour.
Film whenever he appears in shops at the same time as you.
As a last resort, make the police aware of what's happening, just in things escalate.

I hope you are diarising dates and times of both examples of his behaviour and conversations with YOUR manager. The issues isn’t simply his behaviour, which IS enormously problematic, but your manager’s fear/refusal to protect their staff members. Repeatedly minimising predatory behaviour (regardless of the person’s disability) is negligent. You need to seek legal advice.

This is a dreadful situation for you and I can only reiterate the sound advice given by other posters. Your manager is pussyfooting around and using his condition as an excuse to ignore the fact that you too have a protected characteristic. Involve the HR and your union rep.

If this man begine to turn up as social events or pester you to go out with him I would go straight to the police! That will force your employers to take notice. Stalking is a very serious crime.

This brings to mind a situation I experienced in my last job. I wont go into detail but I found working in a room with another female colleague unbearable. I was going to sit in the loo, taking time off sick and my work was suffering. When I spoke to my line manager about this she simply brushed it under the carpet. Eventually I went to the union and they kicked up a fuss with the HOD so I was moved to another office. Although the other office was much bigger and noisier I was still able to concentrate on my work because everybody else was doing their own work. I did not have a single day off sick in 6 months whereas before i had been taking lots of odd days off with stress.

My manager did not understand the problem. She called it "different styles of working". As a manager I would have got the two parties together in a room and hammered out some ground rules for the interaction.

just in CASE things escalate.

I would report it to the police as harassment.

He:s a stalker. That is a condition quite separate from autism. Management must take action to protect female staff + they have already had one complaint about his behaviour.
It would be interesting to find out why the previous incident wasn't recorded. That, on top of an official complaint, could mean very big trouble for your firm.
Are you in a union? You really should get them involved too.

Yeah..no. Autism isn't a reason for this behaviour.

You have a union why haven't you used them?