To feel scared/intimidated by autistic staff member

[orangemum92]

I work part time in an office of a large organisation and I also manage some staff, though most of them are remote. One of my direct reports in the office has quite severe Aspergers and was recently moved to my team from his previous team due to harassing a young female colleague (who happens to be of a similar age and appearance as me). He is fairly older.

I am not sure whether management told him the reason he was being moved. I also do not believe the woman's complaint was formalised; it was dealt with "off the books" basically as there is nothing on his file. The limited info I have is that he would follow her from work to her car every night, asked her out several times despite her saying no, and eventually attempted to coerce her by telling her to meet him at [place] on [date] at [time] as he had arranged a team night out. When she mentioned it to other colleagues, she learned there was no such thing planned and he had lied. Prior to this he was also separated from another female colleague of similar age and appearance though I have none of the details and again it was dealt with off the books.

He hasn't done anything that bold with me, but these are some of the things he does:

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.

To note, there is a colleague I work directly with who sits next to me (I'll refer to them as T). When T is present, he tends not to do these things (though T has seen it a couple of times from afar). Essentially he waits for T to leave the room and then approaches almost immediately.

This may make me sound like a terrible person but his entire behaviour around me just makes me entirely uncomfortable. There is the staring, but also his general demeanour when speaking to me - shaking vigorously, stuttering etc which he does not do around others. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child by someone with the exact same first name, disorder and mannerisms as him so it brings back awful memories. He is also extremely tall and built and I am tiny which again just adds to the intimidation.

I explained all of this to my manager (minus the childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing/can't help it because if that was the case, he wouldn't be waiting until no one else is present to do it. He is also very intelligent and can be very manipulative when he wants to be. Also when given any kind of negative feedback he snaps and become extremely angry so even if I did address it I would be worried about the consequences. I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying.

Anyway, in an attempt at resolving it indirectly, a few weeks ago I tried to rearrange the seating plan for our department, and I used the excuse of new people returning to the office. Everyone else moved as planned but he refused (quite aggressively) to move and got the union involved. The union then told me I'm not allowed to move him due to his Aspergers as it causes him distress.

The reason I'm asking this question now is because T (who is a great deterrent for his behaviour) is on annual leave for 2 weeks from Monday. I am extremely anxious about this as I know the colleague will be staring and harassing me constantly. In the past when T has been off, I struggle to focus on my work as I spend most of the shift on edge and aware of him constantly staring at me.

I'm contemplating having a meeting tomorrow and kindly asking him to move again but I don't know if that will be futile as he will most likely involve the union again. I want to know if there's anything else I can actually do other than request to be moved teams which I really would prefer not to do. I have an anxiety disorder and have worked on the team for ages, I am comfortable and happy there and moving would mean being away from T who has been the most amazing support for me for years and helps me with my anxiety brilliantly.

Also for the record in case anyone thinks I could be biased - I have managed several staff over the years who have had Aspergers, autism and various other disorders and they've all been brilliant. I've had one or two who have overstepped boundaries either with myself or other staff but were completely receptive to the feedback and stopped the behaviour. This situation is different as I'm being told I'm not allowed to address it with him.

AIBU here? Am I just being an insensitive paranoid b or should I/my manager/ work be doing more to curtail his behaviour?

Sorry haven’t rtft but this sounds awful and your managers response isn’t right. You shouldnt have to put up with this. I agree you should start keeping a diary of incidents

Also, can you maybe move yourself and T to somewhere further away from him and leave him where he is?

OP for what it is worth, many moons ago, I came across a similar situation in a school when an boy with autism was harassing a female teacher. The situation very soon got out of hand and eventually involved the police.

You've had some really good advice here. I would:

• tell him not to do it bluntly but calmly each time he does something that makes you uncomfortable (eg he asks you a personal question you say "Stop asking me personal questions. I don't like it. Please go back to work")
• move your own seat so that he can't see you even if that is directly opposed to an instruction from your manager
• ask firmly for him to be transferred to a different manager using the excellent suggested email earlier
• do any one-to-ones or meetings with him in full view of someone else or not at all
• don't be alone with him in any scenario even if that means leaving the office before you are ready at the end of the day.
• spend some time writing a record of what has happened and add to it each time something new happens. Include notes of conversations with your manager and her replies. Include each time you have told him that you don't like his behaviour or asked him to stop. Try and get any new conversations with your manager into writing by emailing notes after the meeting.

If the above doesn't work then you need to make a proper complaint to either HR or your manager's manager using the paper trail of what has happened. You should put into the complaint that you don't feel safe.

Good luck!

The inappropriate behaviour could be driven by autism. I am autistic and was told aged 22 in the work place I was “starey” and people found it offputting; I was shocked as I had never realised before.

All the people not telling him the behaviour is inappropriate are doing him a disservice and this drives me mad as they are more worried about being accused of something than actually providing proper feedback and expecting a reasonable response to it as you would any other employee. He is actively being treated differently because of his autism.

I would make sure he has clear feedback on his behaviour. Autistic people can still learn and still take on board feedback, it should just be given in language that’s clear, with no nuances. Maybe follow up in a written format if that’s what he prefers.

X behaviour is inappropriate, it can make others feel A, B and C, please do not do this any more. And repeat for every behaviour. Even include that the reason for the way this makes people feel may be because they have had negative experiences in the past.

Follow up on it and issue reminders if required. If the behaviour then doesn’t stop, then you have another issue on your hands because it would seem deliberate/more calculated (also very possible) but as an autistic person and also a manager I’d want to make sure than clear feedback that absolutely could not be misunderstood had been given and was on record.

People with autism can ask for and expect, reasonable adjustments in the workplace but to be able to behaviour in any manner, excused with “he’s autistic” and then this not be managed as it would with any employee (with the adjustments), is not acceptable and your workplace are getting it wrong.

Reasonable adjustments also should be reasonable on both sides, not just his and would not include being allowed to behave in an inappropriate manner that other employees were not and get away with poor performance and never get feedback. Asking for that feedback in a specific format e.g. written or one item at a time however, maybe would constitute an adjustment, but it sounds like your employer is backing away from the issue, rather than tackling it, and unfortunately are dumping the fall out from this on you. That’s not fair and you deserve more support from your manager. A woman should not be made to work with a man who makes her uncomfortable! His autism, doesn’t trump your feelings.

Keep a detailed record and log when you tell him to stop these actions. Email HR and manager with the harassment details so there is a formal log.
If it carries on and continues off work premises consider reporting to Police.
Tell work this in an email if necessary. They need to safeguard you from this especially if it escalates.
Have HR vetted him correctly with previous convictions. Ask this too.
Is there cctv? I would also speak to the previous woman he did this too.

His autism and his oppressive behaviour are two separate issues. how his behaviour manifests may be autistic because he is autistic but autism is not the cause of it.

I've had lots of dealings with autistic people (all lovely though some difficult too, just like a range of NT people.) In his case, if I were you I would be extremely direct. I would say to him: Do not stare at me. Do not follow me. Do not engage me in chat when there is no one else in the room. You may not realise this but it is very intimidating. I am not comfortable with it. You have been removed from other teams because this behaviour intimidates female co workers. If you intimidate me in the same way even once more I will have to inform HR.

That way you have stated clear boundaries. You could put it in an email if you wish and then you have evidence that you tried to address the matter unsuccessfully.

The fact that he doesn't behave like this when T is around speaks volumes
He knows exactly what he's doing
It's chosen behaviour

Also, as an autistic, you're allowed to feel uncomfortable around autisitcs. Most aren't trying to make you feel uncomfortable and if you say "I don't people standing so close, sorry. " they'll move back and remember it for other scenarios. We're still human.

His behaviour isn't autism driven, but I think he's one of those autistics who has heard "he can't help it, he's autistic" far too many times and is clearly using his autism to his benefit by essentially threatening work with discrimination.

I think I'd say something along the lines of "if he wasn't autistic would you find it cute that he seems to always know where I am, waits until I'm alone and stares at me all the time? If someone was doing that to you would you find it cute? To make it very clear, I'm concerned about my safety, I recommend you take those concerns seriously."

Also, point out that multiple women have made complaints about his behaviour and if they have your back by removing him, you'll back them up against his disability discrimination claims.

Is T a man by any chance?

I think he should have been fired after lying about the event with the other woman. That is really really scary.

@BlankTimes

I think you've had great advice from everyone OP. This stood out to me, waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away He's not realising the conversation has finished. You need to make it clear to him verbally that the conversation has ended and he can leave.

Your manager really needs to be pulled up on how she is putting you at risk. She knows full well how he is behaving now and has behaved in the past to two women with whom you share the same physical characteristics. That in itself is the most massive red flag, as well as
I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable
and
I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying

Your manager should absolutely not be allowed to put you in that position.

Also,
often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work
Can you leave before him, or leave with the others and leave him in the office?
Don't ever put yourself in the position of being alone with him.

This^.

What a horrid situation OP.

As others have said ASD does contribute to the picture...

He won't understand that same social cues that neurotypical people would...

BUT... Some people with ASD do have dodgy sexual /offending interactions, the same as neurotypical people.

I've worked with people with autism who are sex offenders.

Decent men with ASD, are utterly horrified that they've made someone they like, upset and do everything to desist...and will use any support offered.

I think this man... Assuming he has been TOLD about his unwelcome behaviour with you and other similar looking women ... Is choosing to ignore it.

This is a massive red flag for your emotional (and sorry to say, physical safety).

As is:

1. his previous history with other women.

1. His obvious has some sort of obsessional behaviour about women who look similar to you. This is a red.flag for your risk.

1. As is 'coincidently' turning up in places you are.

An increased risk factor is any disliked changes... So moving his desk or being called in to be given a talking to... As has been shown by his agressive outbursts.

This MUST be a senior managerial response. As the victim of this it is utterly unacceptable to be asked to deal with this solo.

I think he needs to be urgently given a final warning... But suspect this could only been done legally by your employers once he has been TOLD EXPLICITY his behaviour is UNWELCOME and must stop.

It sounds as he is defaulting to... I can do what I want cos of my diagnosis...

Likely using the "I can't move my desk as its too stressful (and people with ASD find any change pretty difficult).

I wonder,.to gather more evidence.. Is there anyway you can move your desk? I assume you're in a large group room.... This MAY stop him... But I think unlikely...
Eg if you move your desk to 50 feet away.. And several desks over.. And if he still finds excuses to walk over /stare at you.. That's pretty compelling evidence.

Your managers so need to act on this immediately. It is COMPLETELY unacceptable.

As a side issue( and absolutely not your responsibility to think about) .. This man if he is referred into autism /LD services there are usually programmes for people to develop appropriate emotional and sexual relationships and to EXPLICITY address worrying sexual behaviour before they are arrested/ sacked.

In the past I managed someone with Asperger’s. I would give him certain latitude but pull him up - gently, but firmly - when needed. Basically I expected him to do his job on the same basis as other people. His liaison worker said I was one of the best managers she worked with precisely because I would not let him get away with things.

In your shoes I would arrange a formal meeting with your manager and ask for HR to be present. If you’re fobbed off ask them the simple, but direct question:

What, exactly, is it that this person has to do before you will take this problem seriously ?

When dealing with him, each time he oversteps you close the situation down by saying clearly that he is behaving inappropriately and you don’t like it.

As others have said, document everything - times and dates and what is said or done.

Unfortunately I have encountered organisations like yours where nobody will grasp this particular nettle because they are too frightened of the disability card being played. Again, as others have said, his protected characteristic do not trump your reasonable expectation of feeling safe and not to be harassed and bullied at work. Your employer has a duty of care to ensure that this is the case and you should probably remind them of that. Another helpful line if they start talking about his needs is “we are discussing my situation and the fact that it is me being harassed and being made to feel uncomfortable”

Good luck !

Not to do with the issue on the thread but some of these replies are terrible.
"Autism doesn't make creepy sex pests"
Autism presents in all shapes and forms and can often come hand in hand with other issues (adhd, ocd) Impulsiveness is a trait and so are obsessional behaviours.
He may very well not understand or even know exactly what he is doing and the discomfort he is causing.
I'm not justifying this particular behaviour at all and clearly it needs managing but the replies on here are shocking and ignorant.

Weirdo piece of shit is vile.

Assuming your employer is running scared of a discrimination claim they may need to be 'reminded' about this (copied and pasted from elsewhere):

*"Whilst direct discrimination cannot be justifiable indirect discrimination can. The legal terminology for this is ‘objective justification’.

The Equality Act says discrimination can be justified if the person who is discriminating against you can argue that it’s a ‘proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim’.

What is a legitimate aim?

The aim must be a genuine or real reason that is not discriminatory, therefore legitimate. Some examples of legitimate aims include the health and safety of individuals, running an efficient service and requirements of a business.

What is meant by proportionate?

This means that the discriminatory impact must be balanced by the importance and benefits of the aim, being appropriate and necessary. There should also be no reasonable, less discriminative alternative. It is important to note that economic reasons alone cannot justify discrimination."*

What an awful situation to be working in , totally unreasonable that you are being harassed both in and out of the workplace .
How dare your manager defend his behaviour and dismiss your concerns .
I too think he is clearly taking advantage of his Asperger's , from what you describe you are probably his next ' focus' , he knows what he is doing is wrong if he waits until you are alone.
I would be keeping a diary ,speak to a union, i would definitely take it further than your direct manager if they will not acknowledge your concerns , i think talking to the previous woman he harassed may help too.
You have just as much right to work in a safe environment as he does.
I think that you are not unreasonable to be scared by this man.

OP, this is awful, and really has not much to do with his disability.

When you are told he is behaving this way because he has autism, you need to refute it with the fact that he waits until the two of you are alone or not being closely observed before his behaviour becomes inappropriate. This means he is aware that it is unacceptable, and is able to control it when others are around. Therefore he can be expected to be able to control it all the time, so it is reasonable for his employers to tackle the behaviour and be clear they will not tolerate it.

His performance issues should be addressed in the same way as they would be with anyone else. As his manager, you can do this, even in a low-key way. When he turns round to stare, ask him why he isn’t at his desk, tell him you need him to be working, and to turn round and get on with it. Do this each time he moves a discussion away from work things towards anything personal. It’s your job to make sure he delivers work to the expected standard and timescale, and you have agency to do that within the bounds of legislation - it is possible to do this without falling foul of anti discrimination legislation, but you might need help from the union in treading the line (I’m discounting your useless HR as they have shown themselves to be incompetent).

And log each and every time. I would be tempted to send an email to my unsupportive manager at the time he demonstrates each unacceptable behaviour, saying what just happened and how it made you feel. Even if it’s several times a day. Actually, especially if it’s several times a day. It will form a log, and you will be making it a problem they have to deal with, rather than being able to sweep it under the carpet. They will be aware that this is unacceptable and you will force their hand. Don’t give them the option to keep ignoring it.

Good luck, and take care.

You need to make an official complaint about his behaviour. So it's not "off the record" like the other two women. Also, his special needs do not outweigh your need to feel safe. He is harassing you. I think maybe contact the police if he is following you outside of work.

@orangemum92 - your manager’s response of “Awww…” is not just patronizing and minimizing your very legitimate concerns, but also could be construed as a very patronizing and dismissive attitude to people with disabilities. (Yours AND his.) This needs to be brought to the attention of anyone you bring in to resolve this situation.

Theres autism and theres behaviour separate from that, which you, HR, management need to recognise and deal with.

Oh OP, lI’m so sorry. Reading your post gave me the creeps. This is not on. Yet again another example of a woman’s safety being dismissed to make a man feel more comfortable. Outrageous. I really hope you get this sorted

I am sorry I don’t have any real advice apart from to keep yourself safe. I would get your Union or an employment lawyer if you can afford it on board to assist you. They aren’t as expensive as you may think and i think you with the latter protect yourself properly and fight the company’s incompetence. I would also consider contacting the police.

As others have said, going off sick with a doctor’s note will allow you to protect yourself as well as to pursue all of this next week.

I had a similar colleague: I made multiple complaints to our boss (no HR, general lack of active management) who told him off/moved him to a slightly further away desk, but the colleague was similar to others described here: backed off for a while only to restart creepy behaviour when the boss was away from the office. When I eventually blew up and pointed out that it was bullying and harassment, the boss suggested 'mediation': we got to go to an external mediator who talked to us both, and set out a behaviour agreement. The colleague finally backed off after this.
Unfortunately the whole process along with other work issues left me very stressed out and unwell, and I no longer work there.
So yes, I'd recommend insisting that they take action as soon as possible, go above your manager, and make sure it is all documented. It needs to be made clear to your colleague that he can't do this, and that there will be repercussions.

As well as raising it with he and the union I would advise you be very clear with him.

It is inappropriate for you to ask me such personal questions, do not ask me any more.
Please stop staring at me, it is not appropriate.

If he was to complain about that then you ask are they telling you to accept being stared at and asked inappropriate questions because that would be condoning sexual harassment and they have a legal responsibility to not allow that in the workplace.

My son's both have autism and although they don't do the things you describe (thank god); they do need to be told firmly and bluntly to stop doing things that are not socially appropriate/acceptable. (Eg putting the phone down when they've finished speaking without saying bye)

You need to forget about hints or being nice or just accepting it because he's autistic. You need to firmly tell him to pack it the fuck iin. You need to be very clear with your company that they do not have the legal or moral right to ignore sexual harassment because the perpetrator happens to have autism and that if they're worried about a disability discrimination case they should also be worried about a sexual harassment one.

Not as bluntly of course but it should be made clear.

He=HR