To feel scared/intimidated by autistic staff member

[orangemum92]

I work part time in an office of a large organisation and I also manage some staff, though most of them are remote. One of my direct reports in the office has quite severe Aspergers and was recently moved to my team from his previous team due to harassing a young female colleague (who happens to be of a similar age and appearance as me). He is fairly older.

I am not sure whether management told him the reason he was being moved. I also do not believe the woman's complaint was formalised; it was dealt with "off the books" basically as there is nothing on his file. The limited info I have is that he would follow her from work to her car every night, asked her out several times despite her saying no, and eventually attempted to coerce her by telling her to meet him at [place] on [date] at [time] as he had arranged a team night out. When she mentioned it to other colleagues, she learned there was no such thing planned and he had lied. Prior to this he was also separated from another female colleague of similar age and appearance though I have none of the details and again it was dealt with off the books.

He hasn't done anything that bold with me, but these are some of the things he does:

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.

To note, there is a colleague I work directly with who sits next to me (I'll refer to them as T). When T is present, he tends not to do these things (though T has seen it a couple of times from afar). Essentially he waits for T to leave the room and then approaches almost immediately.

This may make me sound like a terrible person but his entire behaviour around me just makes me entirely uncomfortable. There is the staring, but also his general demeanour when speaking to me - shaking vigorously, stuttering etc which he does not do around others. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child by someone with the exact same first name, disorder and mannerisms as him so it brings back awful memories. He is also extremely tall and built and I am tiny which again just adds to the intimidation.

I explained all of this to my manager (minus the childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing/can't help it because if that was the case, he wouldn't be waiting until no one else is present to do it. He is also very intelligent and can be very manipulative when he wants to be. Also when given any kind of negative feedback he snaps and become extremely angry so even if I did address it I would be worried about the consequences. I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying.

Anyway, in an attempt at resolving it indirectly, a few weeks ago I tried to rearrange the seating plan for our department, and I used the excuse of new people returning to the office. Everyone else moved as planned but he refused (quite aggressively) to move and got the union involved. The union then told me I'm not allowed to move him due to his Aspergers as it causes him distress.

The reason I'm asking this question now is because T (who is a great deterrent for his behaviour) is on annual leave for 2 weeks from Monday. I am extremely anxious about this as I know the colleague will be staring and harassing me constantly. In the past when T has been off, I struggle to focus on my work as I spend most of the shift on edge and aware of him constantly staring at me.

I'm contemplating having a meeting tomorrow and kindly asking him to move again but I don't know if that will be futile as he will most likely involve the union again. I want to know if there's anything else I can actually do other than request to be moved teams which I really would prefer not to do. I have an anxiety disorder and have worked on the team for ages, I am comfortable and happy there and moving would mean being away from T who has been the most amazing support for me for years and helps me with my anxiety brilliantly.

Also for the record in case anyone thinks I could be biased - I have managed several staff over the years who have had Aspergers, autism and various other disorders and they've all been brilliant. I've had one or two who have overstepped boundaries either with myself or other staff but were completely receptive to the feedback and stopped the behaviour. This situation is different as I'm being told I'm not allowed to address it with him.

AIBU here? Am I just being an insensitive paranoid b or should I/my manager/ work be doing more to curtail his behaviour?

for now, here's some suggestions.

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.

- Tell him he should be working, not talking to you, and to go back to his desk/get on with his work now.

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.

- he is doing something wrong, he should be doing his work, make eye contact every time you catch him doing it, on the 3rd occasion, tell him to stop turning around, and to get on with his work

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring

- if he should be working himself, tell him to get on with his work, if its time to go home, tell him to stop watching you and go home.

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.

-again he isn't doing his job, this needs flagging to management in his reviews.

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.

- say hi, get on with your shopping, but change your route/double back a few times, if he continues to follow you rather than getting on with his own shopping, firmly tell him to stop following you and leave you alone.

oh, and the trick to the above to avoid any kind of discrimination issues is to be seen to be telling EVERYONE else to get on with their work too, so he can't accuse you of singling him out, and other staff can back you up with saying you tell them all equally to get on with work.

@TirisfalPumpkin

I have noticed, as an autistic woman, behavioural problems like this in autistic men (which are both linked to their autism and their maleness) are allowed to run rampant in organisations and groups because nobody wants to be accused of discrimination. Often it’s treated as a ‘broken stair’ problem, ie new female recruits are warned about the man, but nothing gets done about him.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this at work, OP. Probably going the formal route is the only way at this point as he clearly isn’t listening to feedback. A reasonable adjustment for ASD is something like ‘exempt from hotdesking’ or ‘no short notice schedule changes’, not ‘allowed to harass women with impunity’.

I'm an autistic woman, married to an autistic man and yes, I agree with this. As does my DH. I showed him your OP and he, an autistic person who works in HR, says that, autism or not, this is a disciplinary issue - or at least it should be.

This kind of behaviour and the excuses for it make me hopping mad. I've always maintained that autism is not a carte blanche to behave in a dangerous or socially unacceptable manner. I suffer from the pre-conceived notions of people with regards to autism because of people like him and the workplace making allowances for it!! Makes me seethe!

I echo what other posters have said. If this person is stalking you outside of work (following you around shops etc.) it's time to get other authorities involved. My first port of call would be a women's helpline, or even the National Autistic Society or the local equivalent. They will take you seriously. Indeed, you'd be well within your rights to speak to the police. Your manager is more interested in infantilising him because he reminds her of her child - that's not on. It's time to side step her and get outside authority.

On behalf of adults with autism (I sentence I never thought I'd say or type), I'd like to apologise for this nasty piece of work who hides behind his diagnosis. You deserve better, OP.

I'm sorry for being so angry. I've been on the receiving end of similar nonsense myself.

My (possibly unreasonable) anger is directed at this person and the company, not at anyone else.

@GothicaAutistica

I'm sorry for being so angry. I've been on the receiving end of similar nonsense myself.

My (possibly unreasonable) anger is directed at this person and the company, not at anyone else.

I think you are right to flag it. No one ever says: "I'm being stalked by this neurotypical man at work." When neurotypical people are pests they are just pests. When autistic people misbehave, the autism is put at the heart of the issue which is so misleading and prejudicial.

I think that the autism is relevant though because the manager won’t deal with it because of autism.

waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away

I'm sure you said he reports to you, and that he's often behind with his work.
So why are you not saying that it's not appropriate for him to ask this and that he needs to get on with his work. Every time.

@NCBlossom

I think that the autism is relevant though because the manager won’t deal with it because of autism.

Yes I agree, I think that is sadly what is making the employer hesitant to do anything about it, rather than OP pointing it out for no reason.

If he follows you to the shops again just ring the police? Then at least you'd have an agency involved that your manager might just take notice of?

This a horrible situation to be in, you need to book a meeting with your manager/HR and if you get the whole I feel sorry for him crap you need to tell them you will take it to union as you don't feel safe/comfortable in the workplace, I'm sure than they would take it more seriously

@Askmeafterchristmas

It's nothing to do with his autism. Autism doesn't make people creepy sex pests. He's making you feel uncomfortable because he's a dickhead weirdo peice of shit.

Agree he's a dickhead weirdo piece if shit, and that people with ASD aren't creepy sex pests, but autism it is likely making it harder for him to perceive OP's feelings and recognise badly how he's coming across.

He perceives them just fine. Which is why he stops sex pesting when he knows there are witnesses like T in the room.

Autistic people can still be sex offenders, rapists and murderers. What will it take for your Manger to acknowledge this?! Probably your dead body so don't waste any more time with her- you need to get serious.

Some great advice on this thread, especially in the format of getting a paper trail, Union, Police - (check Clare's law now as it may not only be in work he has form for this stalking and obsessive behaviour) and GP to register how it's affecting your well-being.

In general though, as a Manager, with experience of managing people with asd, I'm surprised you aren't more clear and direct with your communication. This will give grey area for him to state he doesn't understand what your expectations of his behaviour are. I think some workplace training all round is very much needed.

I hope this doesn’t come across as victim blaming OP.

If he came to your team at a time where you’ve already formed your opinion of him and was already afraid of him, he could’ve sensed there’s some feeling but can’t name it and is trying to talk to you, etc as you’re his manager?

Could you get someone else in the team yo buddy up so they’re his go to for work queries, etc.

He would also be much better off if you came out and asked him not to speak to you as you’re working and busy instead of avoiding and not answering. He could just take that as you not having heard him.

Your work doesn’t sound like a place where an autistic person is being treated right tbh. Avoiding telling him what he’s done wrong but ignoring it instead. Maybe they need some kind of autism awareness training.

His behaviour could land him in very serious trouble

@Ariela

waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away

I'm sure you said he reports to you, and that he's often behind with his work.
So why are you not saying that it's not appropriate for him to ask this and that he needs to get on with his work. Every time.

This.

@secretbookcase autism is the heart of the issue - because that’s why the manager won’t deal with it.

• "waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away".

Define personal questions. It could be that being autistic he struggles with group conversations, making connections and prefers one to ones in quiet environments and struggles with social cues of knowing when a conversation ends. It is upto you to be direct with your instructions, tell him "only come to my desk if it's work related" "no personal questions please" and "thanks for that, time to get back to your work now".

• he sits diagonally in front of me ..at a rate of, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me ... If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.

Ask him "is there something you need?"

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.

Call him out on it. "Are you following me?" Document everything. Also start being much more aware of your surroundings. Why are you and him left alone together in the office at the end of the day? This needs to change

[quote TractorAndHeadphones]**@secretbookcase* autism is* the heart of the issue - because that’s why the manager won’t deal with it.[/quote]
That's not what I meant. I meant it is not at the heart of the bad behaviour. But I agree it's being used as a blind spot by management and absolutely shouldn't be.

I know lots of people with ASD none of who act like this - having a disability does not give him a right to be a stalker I hope you can resolve through hr. maybe speak to the girl who he harassed before to see what she did to get him moved...

There's a factor in this that I find quite troublesome, that they've put an individual who has harassed similar women with the OP to line manage. It seems like it's doing a disservice all round, surely a manager who can manage this individual without fear of reprisals will be better for everyone.

This is ridiculous and whoever in HR has been dealing with this is an idiot.

Of course he has a disability and cannot be discriminated against but that does not give him carte blanche to harass women at his workplace, of course it doesn't.

STOP trying to handle this yourself. Go to your manager or to HR or both and place this squarely in their hands to deal with.

Did you email HR op?

I had missed that you are his manager OP.

You are not 100% powerless- start managing him. PP's have given some great suggestions.

You could absolutely say things like 'no personal questions- this is work,' 'focus on your work, John,' 'I have to work, go back to your desk' or whatever, I'm not a manager or anything, but PP's have given you the gist. You're not his equal and both dependent on the manager above you.

You can be firm without giving him anything that he can realistically complain about to the union etc or anyone.

At the same time, document everything that happens.

If you have to have a meeting with him then leave the door open, you could even have someone sit outside.

If he's still there hovering around at the end of the day and you can't avoid being the last one out- 'go home now, john.'

As to the seemingly following you around outside of work, I like PP's suggestion of 'are you following me?' Or even 'don't follow me around, John.'

I would definitely keep higher-ups (above your immediate manager) in the loop and tell them what's happening even at this stage.

you could try contacting ACAS :

Contact us
Acas helpline
If you have a workplace problem you want to talk with us about, you can call the Acas helpline.

We can help talk through your options. You do not have to give any personal details.

We cannot give an opinion or legal advice.

Helpline 0300 123 1100

Open Monday to Friday, 8am to 6pm.

The autism is contributing. Not because of his lack of understanding of social cues. He understands well enough to behave himself around T. It is contributing because he has an obsession with you and women who look like you. The reason this is a problem is not because he is autistic, but because he is also an arsehole, and doesn't care how that makes you feel.

I had an extremely similar case of a workplace stalker, right down to the constant conniving to bump into me both in work and out of it. In my case, I kept a diary, and when the individual slipped up and gave me written evidence he was still fixated on me, despite me clearly cutting him off, I was very clear about the evidence I had, and was also very clear about involving HR unless it stopped. It did abate, although he managed to inveigle his way into a project linked with my team, and was clearly still attempting "fly-bys" at my desk, which were unsuccessful as I'd made sure I was at a less accessible desk during the desk move that triggered the written evidence. The possible difference is that he wasn't diagnosed. My male managers didn't see why I was quite so bothered (oblivious to the possibility that he could escalate), but there was a chance HR would have.

In the first instance, you need to be firm and clear. "Stop asking me personal questions." "Do not approach me outside of work." Document it, keep dated version history, and document every time he breaches your boundaries. If you can establish a pattern, it's easier to take it to HR.

In the meantime, make sure you carry something for your own safety. Rape alarm. Take up knitting. Develop a taste for hot sauce.

His behaviour and stalking of that other staff member was not dealt with appropriately. I would request a meeting with your superior. Why should you have to deal with feeling unsafe in your workplace. And get your complaints put in writing. I don't think its any use approaching him personally to complain. As he has already got away with much worse.