To feel scared/intimidated by autistic staff member

[orangemum92]

I work part time in an office of a large organisation and I also manage some staff, though most of them are remote. One of my direct reports in the office has quite severe Aspergers and was recently moved to my team from his previous team due to harassing a young female colleague (who happens to be of a similar age and appearance as me). He is fairly older.

I am not sure whether management told him the reason he was being moved. I also do not believe the woman's complaint was formalised; it was dealt with "off the books" basically as there is nothing on his file. The limited info I have is that he would follow her from work to her car every night, asked her out several times despite her saying no, and eventually attempted to coerce her by telling her to meet him at [place] on [date] at [time] as he had arranged a team night out. When she mentioned it to other colleagues, she learned there was no such thing planned and he had lied. Prior to this he was also separated from another female colleague of similar age and appearance though I have none of the details and again it was dealt with off the books.

He hasn't done anything that bold with me, but these are some of the things he does:

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.

To note, there is a colleague I work directly with who sits next to me (I'll refer to them as T). When T is present, he tends not to do these things (though T has seen it a couple of times from afar). Essentially he waits for T to leave the room and then approaches almost immediately.

This may make me sound like a terrible person but his entire behaviour around me just makes me entirely uncomfortable. There is the staring, but also his general demeanour when speaking to me - shaking vigorously, stuttering etc which he does not do around others. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child by someone with the exact same first name, disorder and mannerisms as him so it brings back awful memories. He is also extremely tall and built and I am tiny which again just adds to the intimidation.

I explained all of this to my manager (minus the childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing/can't help it because if that was the case, he wouldn't be waiting until no one else is present to do it. He is also very intelligent and can be very manipulative when he wants to be. Also when given any kind of negative feedback he snaps and become extremely angry so even if I did address it I would be worried about the consequences. I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying.

Anyway, in an attempt at resolving it indirectly, a few weeks ago I tried to rearrange the seating plan for our department, and I used the excuse of new people returning to the office. Everyone else moved as planned but he refused (quite aggressively) to move and got the union involved. The union then told me I'm not allowed to move him due to his Aspergers as it causes him distress.

The reason I'm asking this question now is because T (who is a great deterrent for his behaviour) is on annual leave for 2 weeks from Monday. I am extremely anxious about this as I know the colleague will be staring and harassing me constantly. In the past when T has been off, I struggle to focus on my work as I spend most of the shift on edge and aware of him constantly staring at me.

I'm contemplating having a meeting tomorrow and kindly asking him to move again but I don't know if that will be futile as he will most likely involve the union again. I want to know if there's anything else I can actually do other than request to be moved teams which I really would prefer not to do. I have an anxiety disorder and have worked on the team for ages, I am comfortable and happy there and moving would mean being away from T who has been the most amazing support for me for years and helps me with my anxiety brilliantly.

Also for the record in case anyone thinks I could be biased - I have managed several staff over the years who have had Aspergers, autism and various other disorders and they've all been brilliant. I've had one or two who have overstepped boundaries either with myself or other staff but were completely receptive to the feedback and stopped the behaviour. This situation is different as I'm being told I'm not allowed to address it with him.

AIBU here? Am I just being an insensitive paranoid b or should I/my manager/ work be doing more to curtail his behaviour?

Oh god OP this sounds intolerable.

I have no advice but stay safe.

If he asks personal questions at your desk could you repeat them loUdly, I.e ‘I don’t answer personal questions at work’ or ‘it’s not appropriate to ask me about my sex/home life, please go back to your desk.’

Is there a chance he’s doing this to other women too at the same time?

We can not let people use autism as an excuse to be stalkers, predators, harassers, or make others feel unsafe

Look, I can understand this point of view, but I don't think he is "using autism as an excuse". This guy obviously has no concept of social etiquette or the correct way to behave around someone he is obviously attracted to.

That, however, doesn't mean that you have to put up with it OP.

As others have said, if your manager is not helping then you need to get both HR and your union involved with this, if you have them. You are entitled to work without harrassment and it sounds like it is bordering on stalking and obsession on his part.

The organisation need to put adequate suppport in place for both of you - him to understand the social rules and etiquette around co-working - and you to hopefully get you away from him and help you feel more comfortable at work.

If your manager isn't doing this then you need to take it higher.

@timeisnotaline that is perfect

If your workplace won’t take it seriously but he’s following you in your own time there’s nothing to stop you from reporting him to the police.
If a stranger was stalking you then you would report it.

I would honestly let HR know this too.

I think you need to be ckear that the issue isn't his autism. The autism is certainly making it more difficult for him to understand the harm he is doing, but the predatory and inappropriate behaviour is not a direct consequence of autism and so it is not a protected characteristic that should be tolerated/accommodated. You need to reframe your descriptions of your distress to your manager to make this distinction. He needs support and understanding to help him learn that this behaviour is totally unacceptable. The fact that providing him with that support will be complicated is not a reason to accept and tolerate the behaviour.

I would absolutely raise this, it’s completely unacceptable. I’m just not sure why you should say and what you should leave out.

I think due to his aspergers you need to be very direct about your needs in a way he comprehends. Absolutely no extra fluff on the following sentences. Said loudly, sharply. No not follow up with any other explaination. If there is follow up, repeat your sentence.

Stop staring at me please, I need to work.

I've answered your question now, I need to go back to my work.

Do not follow me, this is inappropriate. I do not like being followed.

This is in addition to following up with union, management, enforced distancing at work by desk changes etc.

I would try and move my desk position, out of sight out of mind.

Absolutely. This advice is spot on.

I have several male members of my family with autism. They don't behave in this way. Sure, they might have problems reading subtle social cues but this is way past social cues. They don't accost people like this. I think your employers are deeply unreasonable in putting this whack job who has already traumatised one woman onto you to deal with and tying your hands in dealing with him. [My organisation had compulsory sexual harassment training for every employee 20 years ago which boiled down to "When you do X, it makes me very uncomfortable, so could you stop doing X". ] I have no problem in telling somebody that their behaviour is making me uncomfortable but your employers don't even want you to do that. I think the letter a PP posted sounds like an excellent idea. It really is like the Catholic Church in the old days when the troublesome priest was moved to a new parish.

OP I really hope you get this sorted out and are properly supported in doing so, it's unacceptable. As others have said, I would assert to him very clearly that you want him to stop staring/standing so close etc. and that if he does so again you will make a formal complaint. I'd also talk to the union. By not having anything on file, your workplace are not doing you any favours - or him - it's appalling he's allowed persist in this behaviour.

There's some dreadful ableism on this thread. Being autistic does not mean having a mental illness or being creepy. Aspergers (no longer used as a diagnosis) is not measured in terms of severity.

I'm autistic. I can't count how many times I must have misjudged conversations or tones or people.

However, the clue here is the way he changes his behaviour with other people or when other people are around. This isn't someone who's totally oblivious.

Send that email and get signed off sick OP.

@onelittlefrog

We can not let people use autism as an excuse to be stalkers, predators, harassers, or make others feel unsafe

Look, I can understand this point of view, but I don't think he is "using autism as an excuse". This guy obviously has no concept of social etiquette or the correct way to behave around someone he is obviously attracted to.

That, however, doesn't mean that you have to put up with it OP.

As others have said, if your manager is not helping then you need to get both HR and your union involved with this, if you have them. You are entitled to work without harrassment and it sounds like it is bordering on stalking and obsession on his part.

The organisation need to put adequate suppport in place for both of you - him to understand the social rules and etiquette around co-working - and you to hopefully get you away from him and help you feel more comfortable at work.

If your manager isn't doing this then you need to take it higher.

I appreciate you are still encouraging OP to take action but I don't think it's reasonable to minimise OP's fears like this. It seems unlikely that his behaviour is simply down to not knowing how to behave. With his previous victim he crossed lines that aren't merely social etiquette. It's not simply a social faux pas to lie about an event in order to trick a woman who has refused you a date into being alone with you.

Record everything.

We had a member of staff who was Asd and his work was sub par and he was making inappropriate comments AND he was in his probation period and our hr company made us to performance management, a formal investigation and offer him support!!!

When he quit we had to ASK HIM TO RECONSIDER

All just to make sure he didn't sue us for wrongful dismissal.

Record everything, address everything, offer him support at work. Go by the book. But start now.

Your line manager is passing the buck. There is a lot they can do. For starters why is one employee getting up and wandering about doing nothing and doesn't get pulled up on it. Having autism, depression, ptsd, adhd, anxiety etc doesn't mean you get different treatment to everyone else.

Keep a diary of everything email your manager every time this person singles you out so there is a paper trail of evidence. Talking to a manager is no good, that could be argued as gossip but you putting your name to an email making a complaint it a whole different thing. Management can't claim they 'didn't know'

@EmmaJR1

Record everything.

We had a member of staff who was Asd and his work was sub par and he was making inappropriate comments AND he was in his probation period and our hr company made us to performance management, a formal investigation and offer him support!!!

When he quit we had to ASK HIM TO RECONSIDER

All just to make sure he didn't sue us for wrongful dismissal.

Record everything, address everything, offer him support at work. Go by the book. But start now.

Yes sadly that's standard nowadays. Thanks to no win no fee lawyers.

You have to have evidence to show you have done all you can to offer support and give people the chance to change. Incase they decide to take the employer to court for unfair dismissal.

Everyone knows what these people are like, managers hate playing these games and want the troublemakers out as much as you do but their hands are tied by HR policies. It's unfair on everyone.

YANBU but this situation needs to be dealt with carefully. I imagine he means you no harm and is unaware of his behaviours. He does need to be made aware of them as they are not appropriate and you work has a duty of care towards him and you. His behaviours actually make him vulnerable too and so work should be helping him. You also have a right to feel safe and not scared so it works both ways.
I dont think you can ask him to move - this may be seen as cruel especially if he has set routines and places to sit.
You can however speak with your manager again and discuss ways of helping this colleague with his behaviours which are inappropriate - if you can acknowlege they may not be on purpose you may be able to help him with his social skills.

If I were you ì would be very forthright about this both to him and to your manage and to hr. I would be very clear. This is harassment, you feel deeply uncomfortable and your worries are being dismissed. You need to pause every time asd is mentioned and ascertain whether it is appropriate in the context. This is all SO inappropriate

I think I would put it in writing, turning the responsibility around. So listing all the instances of inappropriate behaviour and harassment with the impacts and risk, along with the fact you’ve raised it - and repeat back what you were told by your manager and when. Eg ‘on x date when I raised my concerns I was told that I cannot ‘make him feel uncomfortable’ and that I must meet with him alone. Then ask them to confirm that this is what they’re telling you to do, despite the risk to your personal mental and physical safety - also bearing in mind his past history etc.

I think it might sharpen their minds a little to have it officially in writing - right now they’re (inappropriately!) only concerned about their own skin and the risk of him making a complaint. They need to be concerned about what you’ll do.

He’s being performance reviewed? Is stalking you and making you feel harassed and you’re not the first women he has done this to.

Yeah, your manager needs a wake up call.

My ex has Aspergers and is aggressive, confrontational, harasses me etc (we have children together).
The police have told me that it is not my/others responsibility to make excuses for his behaviour, its up to him to control his behaviour. Aspergers is not a free pass to behave as you like with no consequences.
I doubt you will be able to move him. But you absolutely can say to him "your behaviour is making me uncomfortable" every single time he does make you uncomfortable. If you know he is looking at you, go and ask him why. If he tries to arrange to meet you just say "no, I do not want to".
Social cues and hints may not be obvious to him because of his Aspergers, but once you have clearly told him to stop the behaviours that make you uncomfortable it becomes a case for harassment if he doesn't.

There are people who will take on board criticism of their behaviour/requests to change it and people who won't. But if OP isn't allowed to say to him that he makes her feel uncomfortable, that's limiting what could be an opportunity for him to change.

@me4real I agree with this. ASD is an important context, but it doesn't diminish his responsibility. It does point in the direction of how to resolve this though - this is not a man who will work why his department was moved himself. That's not OP's job to tell him, though.

OP you are allowed to challenge him, but I wouldn't. He'll just alledge you're bullying him. Go through HR and make it clear you are a victim of harrassment. Your manager needs to clean up her mess here.

Horrendous. I don't have practical advice, but I think he knows he's being inappropriate as he knows not to do it in certain cases. Plus he has form. Intimidation, stalking, harassment are all very serious. Your manager is WAY out of line. Good luck today.

Please don't let this drop. Your employer has a responsibility for your wellbeing too. I think you also need to go above your manager and make this official or the same thing will only happen again to someone else.

Your anxiety is as important a condition as his autism. Both need to be considered and addressed as necessary, and it is not fair to you or good for him to have these issues left unaddressed. You should definitely contact your union.
Somebody needs to have a chat with him.

I accept that his condition might make moving seats difficult for him. But he's been moved teams twice. How does thst work? How did his previous msnagers get him moved from their teams?

His autism is nothing to do with his behaviour and it certainly doesn't excuse it! The fact that, harassment aside, there's performance issues with him that are clearly being overlooked begs the question why is he still employed at that place?

It sounds to me like your employer is afraid to take any action at all regarding any of these issues because they've likely been threatened with a lawsuit. This is positive discrimination at it's worst - "You have autism so can be terrible at your job and harass whoever you like just please don't sue us". It's pathetic.

Get your union and HR involved pronto. Keep a diary of everything he does with dates and times. Tell your colleague T where this diary is kept in the event something happens to you. This man sounds dangerous and is shamelessly hiding behind a medical diagnosis to do whatever he pleases!