To feel scared/intimidated by autistic staff member

[orangemum92]

I work part time in an office of a large organisation and I also manage some staff, though most of them are remote. One of my direct reports in the office has quite severe Aspergers and was recently moved to my team from his previous team due to harassing a young female colleague (who happens to be of a similar age and appearance as me). He is fairly older.

I am not sure whether management told him the reason he was being moved. I also do not believe the woman's complaint was formalised; it was dealt with "off the books" basically as there is nothing on his file. The limited info I have is that he would follow her from work to her car every night, asked her out several times despite her saying no, and eventually attempted to coerce her by telling her to meet him at [place] on [date] at [time] as he had arranged a team night out. When she mentioned it to other colleagues, she learned there was no such thing planned and he had lied. Prior to this he was also separated from another female colleague of similar age and appearance though I have none of the details and again it was dealt with off the books.

He hasn't done anything that bold with me, but these are some of the things he does:

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.
  

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.
  

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring
  

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.
  

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.
  

To note, there is a colleague I work directly with who sits next to me (I'll refer to them as T). When T is present, he tends not to do these things (though T has seen it a couple of times from afar). Essentially he waits for T to leave the room and then approaches almost immediately.

This may make me sound like a terrible person but his entire behaviour around me just makes me entirely uncomfortable. There is the staring, but also his general demeanour when speaking to me - shaking vigorously, stuttering etc which he does not do around others. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child by someone with the exact same first name, disorder and mannerisms as him so it brings back awful memories. He is also extremely tall and built and I am tiny which again just adds to the intimidation.

I explained all of this to my manager (minus the childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing/can't help it because if that was the case, he wouldn't be waiting until no one else is present to do it. He is also very intelligent and can be very manipulative when he wants to be. Also when given any kind of negative feedback he snaps and become extremely angry so even if I did address it I would be worried about the consequences. I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying.

Anyway, in an attempt at resolving it indirectly, a few weeks ago I tried to rearrange the seating plan for our department, and I used the excuse of new people returning to the office. Everyone else moved as planned but he refused (quite aggressively) to move and got the union involved. The union then told me I'm not allowed to move him due to his Aspergers as it causes him distress.

The reason I'm asking this question now is because T (who is a great deterrent for his behaviour) is on annual leave for 2 weeks from Monday. I am extremely anxious about this as I know the colleague will be staring and harassing me constantly. In the past when T has been off, I struggle to focus on my work as I spend most of the shift on edge and aware of him constantly staring at me.

I'm contemplating having a meeting tomorrow and kindly asking him to move again but I don't know if that will be futile as he will most likely involve the union again. I want to know if there's anything else I can actually do other than request to be moved teams which I really would prefer not to do. I have an anxiety disorder and have worked on the team for ages, I am comfortable and happy there and moving would mean being away from T who has been the most amazing support for me for years and helps me with my anxiety brilliantly.

Also for the record in case anyone thinks I could be biased - I have managed several staff over the years who have had Aspergers, autism and various other disorders and they've all been brilliant. I've had one or two who have overstepped boundaries either with myself or other staff but were completely receptive to the feedback and stopped the behaviour. This situation is different as I'm being told I'm not allowed to address it with him.

AIBU here? Am I just being an insensitive paranoid b** or should I/my manager/ work be doing more to curtail his behaviour?

[me4real]

Please let us know how you get on @orangemum92 x

[NCForthisxox]

@orangemum92

Overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all so much. Will try to respond to specific qs individually.

I was honestly worried about getting flamed for being overdramatic because while some colleagues have shared my concerns, others see it as a bit of a running joke, and my manager was very dismissive which made me think I was overreacting. However, she has openly admitted to me that she has a "soft spot" for this man because her child has the same disorder as him. It's such a shame because she's been a brilliant manager in every other aspect, the best one I've had, but you're right in saying I need to go above her as her judgment seems to be clouded here.

Our HR is all external via email and they usually take days to respond but there are union reps in the office so I'll speak to one tomorrow. I cannot even explain how helpful you've all been. If I hadn't posted here I probably would've continued to convince myself I was in the wrong.

Please do OP his behaviour isn't going to change by its self it needs intervention if they just move him again he will likely target someone else. Your work cannot afford to tread on egg shells around him or his behaviour may escalate it sounds like he needs a psychologist/ counsellor who is knowledgeable about ASD.

[Kanaloa]

Autism is a bit of a red herring here. His behaviour is frightening and honestly some of it sounds like he might be dangerous - not so much the asking questions but why was he trying to trick a younger colleague into meeting him? Presumably he knew she wouldn’t want to meet him alone as he pitched it as a team night out but what did he think would happen when she showed up and nobody else was there?

If I was you I would be making some record of the behaviour and challenging what I could. For example if he is sitting staring openly I would ask ‘yes? What is it?’ If he is asking repeated questions I would say I had to get on with pressing work. This might sound a little melodramatic but I would also if possibly avoid places where you’ve run into him that you go routinely.

[Kanaloa]

And to those who say he might not realise he is making others uncomfortable - he clearly had some understanding that the young colleague was uncomfortable or why would he have lied?

[AppleButter]

Just to add to the others, do make meticulous diary notes, perhaps buy a diary just for these notes and make regular photos of the pages uploaded to a cloud drive - dates, times, locations, words, actions, triggers, comments, etc in case this ends up at a tribunal, or if he does this with another colleague in the future. Put in everything so far and take meticulous notes.

[bigbeautwoman]

You don’t have to tolerate this OP, as others have said keep a diary including conversations with your useless manager. Speak to HR and your union rep ASAP. I’m suspecting your manager is is speaking it under the carpet, due to concerns around disability and discrimination. I have had experience of a neighbour with aspergers (and before everyone jumps on me I’m not saying everyone with the condition is the same), he is very unpleasant, bullying and aggressive towards me, yet manipulative and sly. Please act, and keep us all updated. Just a last thought is WFH an option?

[dunkery]

I came across someone who had impaired mental capacity ( for want of a better description) due to epilepsy as a child. He held down a job and was generally ok. He often visited my in-laws business where I worked. Occasionally I was in the office alone and although very polite he would stand really close to me and sometimes tried to put his arm around me. I would make sure I moved away from him behind the desk etc. My FIL knew about this and would come into the office as soon as he came in and the man would keep away from me. Most people made excuses for him and used to say 'he can't help it' and 'you have to make allowances' My straight talking FIL told me 'I don't care how socially inadequate he is - he knows it's not just for peeing with !'

[BlankTimes]

I think you've had great advice from everyone OP.
This stood out to me,
waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away
He's not realising the conversation has finished. You need to make it clear to him verbally that the conversation has ended and he can leave.

Your manager really needs to be pulled up on how she is putting you at risk. She knows full well how he is behaving now and has behaved in the past to two women with whom you share the same physical characteristics. That in itself is the most massive red flag, as well as
I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable
and
I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying

Your manager should absolutely not be allowed to put you in that position.

Also,
often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work
Can you leave before him, or leave with the others and leave him in the office?
Don't ever put yourself in the position of being alone with him.

[PaulaTrilloe]

You have a manager problem. I suggest you speak to your grandparent manager.
Ask for a referral to occy health

[orangemum92]

[quote me4real]@orangemum92 Are the higher ups aware that you suffer from anxiety? His needs don't trump yours. And no woman should be banned from telling a man he makes her feel uncomfortable.

I would report everything that happens. If this is 2 or more times, surely there must come a point when he'll lose his job for inappropriate behaviour towards women (or so you would hope.)

ASD or not, he's a creep. There are plenty of people with ASD who aren't creeps.

I think his autism will have something to do with his behaviour, it sounds like he's struggling to recognise your discomfort and perspective related to his behaviour.

@Askmeafterchristmas There are people who will take on board criticism of their behaviour/requests to change it and people who won't. But if OP isn't allowed to say to him that he makes her feel uncomfortable, that's limiting what could be an opportunity for him to change.[/quote]
@me4real yes they are aware of my anxiety, I had a sickness absence related to it a while back. However they are also aware I've worked there for a very long time and never made any type of complaint, grievance or gotten the union involved with anything (never needed to). He on the other hand has done it several times and has claimed disability discrimination before. So as other posters have said I think they're far more scared of what he might/will do in reaction to any potential complaint made against him and could also be why they didn't formalise things with the previous complainant. I'm considering speaking to her tomorrow. I also feel like aspergers/autism etc have more "value" in the eyes of some as a protected characteristic, especially as anxiety is so prevalent nowadays, it's almost as if we're desensitised to it

@FortunesFave to explain why I haven't gone to the union yet. I genuinely wasn't sure my concerns were legitimate until reading all of these replies. So I didn't see the point. And was even concerned to be honest that I'd be accused of discriminating or being prejudiced against him. I'm in like 3+ protected categories myself but my organisation is extremely "PC"-oriented and will do anything to avoid bad press or a discrimination claim as @MelKarnofskyCrane said.

Also as I've said earlier, my manager's responses have had much to do with it I think. For her to have literally responded with "awww" when I've described some of his behaviour made me feel like I had absolutely no leg to stand on and was wrong to be feeling threatened/intimidated.

[CliantheLang]

If you haven't already, please read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. And then give it to your manager.

The fact that he's following you all over town is a massive red flag.

[Fetarabbit]

Unfortunately a lot of managers and even HR are not confident in dealing with stuff like this, especially when disability discrimination has been thrown around previously.

Of course it's unacceptable, no one should be made to feel uncomfortable at work, those behaviours would make me feel very uncomfortable. I'd recommend speaking to your union as well if nothing is being done by your employer.

[Oh4Tunas]

I find it shocking that you've been told you're not allowed to tell someone their behaviour makes you uncomfortable. Even if he were completely innocent and unaware that he's making your uncomfortable, he'd still benefit from the knowledge that staring, asking personal questions, etc. isn't socially acceptable. And that's ignoring all the indications that he's actually quite aware that what he's doing isn't okay.

Ridiculous that he apparently has the right to intimidate women, just to avoid his feelings being hurt, should someone ask him to stop staring!

[Jumpingintochristmas]

I would speak to HR and explain you are requesting help AGAIN. You would hate for this to become a police matter due to being followed after work.

[Justilou1]

Please don’t think I am minimising people with genuine disabilities. I have one child diagnosed with Autism and another in the process of being diagnosed. (Much more obvious, but these things take time.) While this man may genuinely have Autism, he may also be smart enough to have swayed assessments to get a diagnosis to avoid legal accountability for bad behaviour. Now that this has worked, his behaviour has started to escalate. He may be pushing boundaries to see just how far he can go. I think regardless, he IS bloody dangerous to women, and some women are even more vulnerable than others. I don’t think you are overreacting, I think you are quite right to be frightened of this man. The fact that his behaviour is minimized and accepted is just intolerable. The SA apologist manager at your workplace needs to go.

[timeisnotaline]

Email - writing. Dear manager, we have discussed X several times. I am aware of his history of intimidating behaviour with employees of similar appearance to me and have told you that not only does this behaviour occur in the office but he often turns up where I am when I am in town. I suffer from anxiety which is usually quite manageable but I find it has been escalating while I have to manage X. Given your instructions that I may not bring anyone else to meetings with X nor may I let him know I am uncomfortable with some of his behaviours, you will need to find a new manager for X. I appreciate this can’t be done tomorrow, but it is an urgent request. Additionally, his behaviour is less intimidating when my colleague T who shares the office space with us is around. t is taking 2 weeks leave starting x; my GP will sign me off for anxiety for those two weeks as I am unable to share an office alone with X for that period. Please note that I have numerous times managed employees with Aspergers and other conditions and have never encountered this before, but am unable to continue putting my mental health at risk to meet your management requirements and keep X comfortable.

I look forward to your response.
Regards

And you can either cc hr or wait for her response and cc hr on your response to that. I think your gp will happily sign you off. Don’t put yourself through those 2 weeks!

[IndecentCakes]

I'm autistic (and a woman) I wonder how many women with autism would act like this to a man.

[Tilltheend99]

Are you in a Union? If so get them involved as sexual harassment in the workplace is unacceptable regardless of the background of the harasser. He should have been dealt with properly by your company after he harassed the first woman. You should start collecting evidence on what he is doing in case you need to take it to an employment tribunal.

[bigbeautwoman]

@timeisnotaline
Brilliantly written

[bigbeautwoman]

@ IndecentCakes
I think we know don’t we, zero

[bigbeautwoman]

Just out of interest OP do you work in the public sector/civil service?

[NumberTheory]

I think you need to make a formal complaint about his behaviour and your managers as a priority. In part you need to do this for other women in your work place - this is at least the third time he's intimidated women at work and there is nothing on file. That leaves you (and those other women, and other potential victims) in a much more difficult place than you should be.

But you also need to do this because this is repeated behaviour that the company are aware of but have failed to manage and they get away with that by hiding it. It endangers you and makes you less effective at your job. You should never have been put in this position.

I also think you need to stop saying he makes you "uncomfortable". Be bolder. Be more truthful. We know what you mean, but 'uncomfortable' can be swept away as though it's just about having a lumpy chair for a while.

He scares you.
He is harassing you.
You do not trust his motives.
He is sexist and unprofessional.

And you have good reason for feeling this way as have at least two other women at your workplace.

It may well be down to his autism, he may know he's doing it and be capable of stopping and it still be down to his autism. But that isn't particularly relevant unless the fact it is driven by his autism means there is something the company can do to stop it. Accomodation for autism does not mean accepting behaviour that is incompatible with doing his job. And what he is doing is incompatible because it directly discriminates against another worker - you.

And the company, in accepting it and continually moving him around are making their workplace hostile to women. Not all women, but only women.

[romdowa]

I've autism and I'd struggle to believe that this guy doesn't know what he is doing is wrong. The fact he only does it when others aren't there is the obvious proof. Same with his lies with the last woman , he knows 100% that what he is doing isn't right. While his autism probably isn't helping the situation, its not the cause nor is it an excuse. He still has to behave appropriately in the work place. I'd be involving the union at this stage because this guy sounds bloody dangerous as hell and I'd honestly be completely freaked out. They have a duty of care to keep all staff safe. I honestly wouldn't confront him though, I'd be nervous of his reaction.

[Lullaby88]

Can't you file in a complaint too?

[Namechangedforthethousandthtim]

You should speak to the union! So what is he is autistic? That does not mean you need to sit there with a potentially dangerous man who could have done God knows what to that other women had she fallen for his trick to meet her alone 😳 This is awful and you do NOT need to put up with it and put yourself at risk. Having autism does not give you the right to be a predator. His behaviour needs dealing with or he needs to leave the workplace.

It's often people, who have small complaints against them like this that go on to not be dealt with, who go on to commit serious crimes like rape and even murder.