To feel scared/intimidated by autistic staff member

[orangemum92]

I work part time in an office of a large organisation and I also manage some staff, though most of them are remote. One of my direct reports in the office has quite severe Aspergers and was recently moved to my team from his previous team due to harassing a young female colleague (who happens to be of a similar age and appearance as me). He is fairly older.

I am not sure whether management told him the reason he was being moved. I also do not believe the woman's complaint was formalised; it was dealt with "off the books" basically as there is nothing on his file. The limited info I have is that he would follow her from work to her car every night, asked her out several times despite her saying no, and eventually attempted to coerce her by telling her to meet him at [place] on [date] at [time] as he had arranged a team night out. When she mentioned it to other colleagues, she learned there was no such thing planned and he had lied. Prior to this he was also separated from another female colleague of similar age and appearance though I have none of the details and again it was dealt with off the books.

He hasn't done anything that bold with me, but these are some of the things he does:

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.

To note, there is a colleague I work directly with who sits next to me (I'll refer to them as T). When T is present, he tends not to do these things (though T has seen it a couple of times from afar). Essentially he waits for T to leave the room and then approaches almost immediately.

This may make me sound like a terrible person but his entire behaviour around me just makes me entirely uncomfortable. There is the staring, but also his general demeanour when speaking to me - shaking vigorously, stuttering etc which he does not do around others. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child by someone with the exact same first name, disorder and mannerisms as him so it brings back awful memories. He is also extremely tall and built and I am tiny which again just adds to the intimidation.

I explained all of this to my manager (minus the childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing/can't help it because if that was the case, he wouldn't be waiting until no one else is present to do it. He is also very intelligent and can be very manipulative when he wants to be. Also when given any kind of negative feedback he snaps and become extremely angry so even if I did address it I would be worried about the consequences. I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying.

Anyway, in an attempt at resolving it indirectly, a few weeks ago I tried to rearrange the seating plan for our department, and I used the excuse of new people returning to the office. Everyone else moved as planned but he refused (quite aggressively) to move and got the union involved. The union then told me I'm not allowed to move him due to his Aspergers as it causes him distress.

The reason I'm asking this question now is because T (who is a great deterrent for his behaviour) is on annual leave for 2 weeks from Monday. I am extremely anxious about this as I know the colleague will be staring and harassing me constantly. In the past when T has been off, I struggle to focus on my work as I spend most of the shift on edge and aware of him constantly staring at me.

I'm contemplating having a meeting tomorrow and kindly asking him to move again but I don't know if that will be futile as he will most likely involve the union again. I want to know if there's anything else I can actually do other than request to be moved teams which I really would prefer not to do. I have an anxiety disorder and have worked on the team for ages, I am comfortable and happy there and moving would mean being away from T who has been the most amazing support for me for years and helps me with my anxiety brilliantly.

Also for the record in case anyone thinks I could be biased - I have managed several staff over the years who have had Aspergers, autism and various other disorders and they've all been brilliant. I've had one or two who have overstepped boundaries either with myself or other staff but were completely receptive to the feedback and stopped the behaviour. This situation is different as I'm being told I'm not allowed to address it with him.

AIBU here? Am I just being an insensitive paranoid b or should I/my manager/ work be doing more to curtail his behaviour?

I know you can't move him but you could move desks?

Bloody hell OP I’m so sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful.
The fact he is only doing it when T isn’t around is definitely worrying, he obviously knows what he is doing is wrong.
If I were you I would start to document every interaction on a daily basis so you have a logged record of the behaviour towards you and how often it happens etc.
I’d request to change your start/finish time by 15 or 30 mins so you can leave the office well before him? Then he doesn’t have the chance to follow you or you be left alone in the office with him. I’d also tell your manager again you need to move desks away from him so he can’t see you. Put both requests in writing and ask for a written response. If they are denied I’d definitely be speaking to HR too as unfortunately it doesn’t sound like your manager is taking you seriously. You have the right to feel safe at work, this behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated if he was NT.
Other than that I hope you’re ok and do keep us updated

This sounds very much like my brother in law. He has Asperger's too, and it is definitely a part of it. But you have to be able to communicate the behaviours that are making you uncomfortable and work should support you in doing this. Good luck.

OP your anxiety here is actually not relevant. It's not because you suffer from it that is behaviour is troubling you. His behaviours are troubling you because they're troubling!

Do not try and soften the message by adding anything about anxiety. You and your health are not the problem here. And I'm really sorry to say it - because I absolutely don't believe it to be the case and I've experienced this myself - but there are people who will use your anxiety as shorthand for saying you're "over sensitive". This includes your manager who a) will think she knows everything about autism and/or Aspergers because of her child and b) has her own fears about her child's future and likely thinks that she can kind of "pay it forward" in advance by being "kind". I'd also look at going over/around her. They may not say it out loud but it will be brought into the mix. Leave it out if you can.

Do keep a diary and I'd also speak to the police if you come across him in town again.

If he's turning around so much that'll contribute to why he's underperforming so it might be possible to tackle it that way?

The posters who have suggested getting in touch with the other women have probably hit it on the head and going together to union / HR.

The company seem to think moving him departments deals with it but all its done is move the problem on.

He isn't performing, forget the line of sight thing, he isn't a small school child who needs to be watched by the teacher. Get him on a Performance Improvement Plan (with a view to managing him out the business)

You need to make yourself heard - so loudly and persistently that they cannot ignore you. Note down EVERYTHING he says and does. Email it to your manager, HR and union rep every evening, then follow up with a phonecall the following morning.

Make it so they have no choice but to remove him.

Threaten to call the police if they don't, and report this harassment.

I would also call the police and mention the things outside of work, then it is logged somewhere how unsafe you feel. Keep saying that, keep repeating how unsafe and disturbing his behaviour is. It needs to be addressed and needs to be taken seriously.
Tell Hr you are speaking to the police, keep everything written down

It appears like he's sexually harassing you. (Sexually because he only does it to women so it's harassment on the basis of your sex) if it was because of his aspergers then surely he would have the same difficulties in communicating with men and yet he manages not to do any of this creepy stuff when men are around.

Definitely do go to HR. Something needs to be done and your manager needs retraining - responding with "awwwww" when your staff manner tells you she is afraid of a colleague is so far from appropriate i don't have the words for it.

Keep a diary of what he does to and around you, especially bumping into you outside work. Also record how it makes you feel. Bullying is about how it makes the recipient feel, not the other person's intentions or feelings about whether they "meant to do it".

This is blatant harassment, OP, and your manager is facilitating it. My blood boiled as I read this. Please go over her head and make a formal complaint.

I’m sorry about his Asperger’s, but that doesn’t give him the right to break the law — though your firm obviously lets him get away with not doing his job, so they’re falling over themselves to accommodate him.

I hope your union rep backs you, as they should. Will T give evidence for you? Best of luck with this. You are justifiably frightened of him. I would be too.

has claimed disability discrimination before. So as other posters have said I think they're far more scared of what he might/will do in reaction to any potential complaint made against him and could also be why they didn't formalise things with the previous complainant

This is the core of their response. They’re going to have to stop being cowardly about this.

I'm quite surprised that he was kept on after his previous stalking behaviour. His victim then is entitled to feel safe and I doubt that she does if he is still in the same organisation.

Basically, why do his rights trump yours?

And I agree with others here. This is not about your anxiety. It’s irrelevant. I’m not anxious, but his behaviour would drive me out of my mind, and I would be terrified as well.

I would call the police as well as HR, and look into getting a restraining order. Then your employer will have no choice but to move him away from you. I agree with pp who said you need to get together with the previous victims and make a formal complaint in writing.

In terms of the seating layout in the office could you move here you sit?
I would make a note of everything and have a word with your union so next time there’s an issue and your manager isn’t supportive you too can go to your union for support.
No one should feel this uncomfortable at their place of work.

Your company could be in a world of trouble if this gets formalised because there's a track record of the same behaviour happening over and over again. They might be attempting to minimise it but they clearly understand this is a problem because they keep moving him.

As others have said, this is likely not all down to the fact that he is not NT but his autism is possibly making it so that he isn't fully understanding how this is making you feel. He is also likely aware given his previous complaints to HR about discrimination that his diagnosis is giving him a level of protection around this behaviour that he doesn't deserve. It may also be emboldening him.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I think whatever action you take now needs to be formal and have a paper trail of everything. This man is a sexual predator and you being expected to deal with him because others can't and have lone meetings with him is totally unacceptable.

Lots of helpful advice already
Your manager needs to learn to manage. That's what they are paid to do. I'd be making a huge fuss about this
It's not OK

Absolutely agree with going to the police next time he stalks you in town. They might not be able to stop him, but it will add weight to your work situation.

I’d put money on you being in the civil service/other public sector role. This sort of thing is endemic as they’re so scared of being seen as discriminatory. I had a very similar situation but it was as swept under the carpet as “his intent being misinterpreted”. There’s no way that trying to rub my shoulders and touch my hair was misinterpreted.

This man is a murderer in the making. If you don’t already carry a rape alarm, get one now. The nights are drawing in and the carpark will be dark. Actually, get a pepper spray. If he gets within 6 feet then spray him.

has claimed disability discrimination before. So as other posters have said I think they're far more scared of what he might/will do in reaction to any potential complaint made against him and could also be why they didn't formalise things with the previous complainant

You are going to have to lay it on the line to HR and your manager that if steps are not taken to stop him harrassing you in the workplace then disability or not, you will be involving the police. Especially if you ever have grounds to think he is stalking you outside of work. And you will tell the police that your employer has been notified several times and has been uncooperative in dealing with it.

Definitely talk to HR/union people.
His disability is not a “harass women for free” card. Mention your anxiety and explicitly ask if his needs outweigh your own, and if you could get that in writing.

As someone who works in HR, this horrifies me! Yes he has autism and that may mean that standard process should be adjusted to accommodate his level of neurodiversity, but that doesn't mean he gets a free pass to do as he wishes with no consequences for the rest of time.

It is not bullying to have someone in a room with you when you meet with him, but you'd probably want to give him advance notice of the meeting so he has a chance to arrange the union or colleague to accompany him too etc.

In order to change someone's poor performance or behaviour, you first need to speak to them about it, why it's unacceptable, set the standard you'd expect etc. He genuinely might not know how intimidating he's being, but given the fact he doesn't do it around other men, it sounds like he does know on some level.

Your company has been irresponsible putting you as his manager. Why couldn't T or another man manage him whilst they went through any formal process?

If they are that scared of getting a claim and bad press, they could pursue a settlement agreement!

It sounds like they keep sweeping this under the carpet worried about the consequences from dealing with him, but not taking into account the possible consequences from other members of staff if this escalates from their side. They are relying on the women impacted to put up with this without issue. If this was the other way around, i.e. female with autism doing this to males, I'd bet the concerns wouldn't have been dismissed quite as easily.

They've now also shot themselves in the foot if this has all been done off the books, because if he does make a claim when it does escalate in one way or another, they have no record of the previous issues or how it was managed. This is very poor and leaves them in a worse position than if they had tried to address it!

I don't think it'd autism causing that. I think he's a creep using autism as a protection mechanism and people darent tackle him for fear of being discriminatory. Absolutely don't put up with this. I don't think he's coincidentally bumping into you either, he's following you. Protect yourself, don't be polite.

YANBU in the slightest. I would go above your line manager or go to HR and raise a formal complaint. His behavior may or may not be linked with his autism but it is NOT acceptable. He clearly needs someone to spell this out to him and I don’t think that it should have to be you.

Your manager is being bloody useless and I say that as a parent of an autistic child. That doesn't mean I think sex pests should be given a free pass.

Also, his behaviour might not be caused by autism but it's absolutely affecting the way your employers are dealing with this. He has sexually harassed two other members of staff. He's now sexually harassing you.

Send the email.

And please don't mention to the police or HR that you have anxiety. The anxiety may make the behaviour harder for you to deal with but it could also serve as a red herring, leading people to question whether half of it is in your mind and you are exaggerating or catastrophising over how extreme it is.

Any woman without a diagnosis of anxiety would naturally be made to feel very anxious and uncomfortable over this.

Get your colleagues on board who have noticed this and mentioned it to you. Ask them to be witnesses in any HR meetings or police interviews if necessary.