To feel scared/intimidated by autistic staff member

[orangemum92]

I work part time in an office of a large organisation and I also manage some staff, though most of them are remote. One of my direct reports in the office has quite severe Aspergers and was recently moved to my team from his previous team due to harassing a young female colleague (who happens to be of a similar age and appearance as me). He is fairly older.

I am not sure whether management told him the reason he was being moved. I also do not believe the woman's complaint was formalised; it was dealt with "off the books" basically as there is nothing on his file. The limited info I have is that he would follow her from work to her car every night, asked her out several times despite her saying no, and eventually attempted to coerce her by telling her to meet him at [place] on [date] at [time] as he had arranged a team night out. When she mentioned it to other colleagues, she learned there was no such thing planned and he had lied. Prior to this he was also separated from another female colleague of similar age and appearance though I have none of the details and again it was dealt with off the books.

He hasn't done anything that bold with me, but these are some of the things he does:

• waits until there is no one around my desk, then approaches & asks personal questions. When I try to end the conversation by turning to my computer and typing, he tends to just stand at the side and stare at me for a minute or so before walking away.
  

• he sits diagonally in front of me in the row of desks in front, facing away from me. at a rate of, I would say, 2-3 times per 10 minutes he turns his head around just to look directly at me - I don't think he's aware that I can see him doing this as I'm behind a screen but I see him peripherally. If I make eye contact he quickly turns back as if he's been caught doing something wrong.
  

• often at the end of the work day when it's just me and him left, he will turn around completely in his chair and just sits and stares at me while I work. I think in his head, he's trying to think of a conversation starter but can't think of one so just resorts to sitting and staring
  

• other colleagues have said that as soon as I leave my desk he looks around for me incessantly, sometimes standing up and walking around to see where I've gone.
  

• has approached me several times while I've been walking around the city after work, always acting shocked to have bumped into me, saying "oh, hi [name]!" not sure if he follows me, but he has also showed up in the same shop I've gone into and seemed to be following me around the aisles.
  

To note, there is a colleague I work directly with who sits next to me (I'll refer to them as T). When T is present, he tends not to do these things (though T has seen it a couple of times from afar). Essentially he waits for T to leave the room and then approaches almost immediately.

This may make me sound like a terrible person but his entire behaviour around me just makes me entirely uncomfortable. There is the staring, but also his general demeanour when speaking to me - shaking vigorously, stuttering etc which he does not do around others. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child by someone with the exact same first name, disorder and mannerisms as him so it brings back awful memories. He is also extremely tall and built and I am tiny which again just adds to the intimidation.

I explained all of this to my manager (minus the childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing/can't help it because if that was the case, he wouldn't be waiting until no one else is present to do it. He is also very intelligent and can be very manipulative when he wants to be. Also when given any kind of negative feedback he snaps and become extremely angry so even if I did address it I would be worried about the consequences. I'm also not allowed to take anyone in the room with me when I have meetings with him as it is deemed as bullying.

Anyway, in an attempt at resolving it indirectly, a few weeks ago I tried to rearrange the seating plan for our department, and I used the excuse of new people returning to the office. Everyone else moved as planned but he refused (quite aggressively) to move and got the union involved. The union then told me I'm not allowed to move him due to his Aspergers as it causes him distress.

The reason I'm asking this question now is because T (who is a great deterrent for his behaviour) is on annual leave for 2 weeks from Monday. I am extremely anxious about this as I know the colleague will be staring and harassing me constantly. In the past when T has been off, I struggle to focus on my work as I spend most of the shift on edge and aware of him constantly staring at me.

I'm contemplating having a meeting tomorrow and kindly asking him to move again but I don't know if that will be futile as he will most likely involve the union again. I want to know if there's anything else I can actually do other than request to be moved teams which I really would prefer not to do. I have an anxiety disorder and have worked on the team for ages, I am comfortable and happy there and moving would mean being away from T who has been the most amazing support for me for years and helps me with my anxiety brilliantly.

Also for the record in case anyone thinks I could be biased - I have managed several staff over the years who have had Aspergers, autism and various other disorders and they've all been brilliant. I've had one or two who have overstepped boundaries either with myself or other staff but were completely receptive to the feedback and stopped the behaviour. This situation is different as I'm being told I'm not allowed to address it with him.

AIBU here? Am I just being an insensitive paranoid b** or should I/my manager/ work be doing more to curtail his behaviour?

[Swimmum78]

This man sounds dangerous. The lying about an event is very calculating. I don't think this can be ascribed to his autism. Your workplace are massively minimising.

[MydogWillow]

This is unacceptable. Your welfare should be considered also.

In the immediate term can someone else sit in T's place for the two weeks?

Are you able to find out how the other department were able to move him?

[LucilleBluth]

As someone who works with young people with ASD it can absolutely be because of his autism. The lack of awareness about how you feel and the inability to read the social situation are classic indicators.

It’s the reason we use social stories and fully prepare them for any changes etc.

You don’t have to accept it op, autism isn’t an excuse and you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable. This needs addressing by your line managers.

[Lilymossflower]

Sounds terrifying op.

I am appalled at how he is being allowed to get away with this. He is a predator and sexually harrassing multiple women and allowed to get away with it.

As an autistic person myself I can say his behavior is absolutely bloody nothing to do with the autism and everything to do with him being a fucking creep.

Your rights need to be taken seriously op. You can't work when your scared and contanstly on guard against a predator. The management need to seriously put this bully in his place. Sickening

[5zeds]

Op has managed other people with autism without issue so obviously it isn’t an autism specific behaviour it just means he may not have understood her discomfort.

[overnightangel]

“ childhood background) and she said she had also noticed his behaviour around me, but that he can't help it, she feels sorry for him and that I am not allowed to tell him that he makes me feel uncomfortable.”

I would be 100% going over my boss’s head to their superior and also to the Union with this ….. absolutely not ok

As for a general over, TRUST YOUR GUT
Do not be left alone with the person

[Raspberrycollins]

This is seriously worrying.
He has form for and is portraying stalking and predatory behaviours. Which could escalate given that your work place has more or less given him the green light.
I would log each outside encounter with the police so there is a record, and maybe also speak to your GP explain the situation and describe the effect on your anxiety so there is also a record there.
I would also seek some advice off a DV agency or IDVA around a safety plan.
Look into the Hollieguard app you can download on your phone.
The letter by another poster is also excellent, I would not be in for those 2 weeks if I were you.

[overnightangel]

*overview

[Ponceyponce]

I would agree with other posters, he is a creep who although perhaps is struggling to understand your feelings fully due to the autism is getting away with inappropriate behavior due to work being to scared to do anything for fear of being called discriminatory. I had a similar situation at university with a housemate, he regularly made very sexual inappropriate comments, would get very close and touch the female residents without permission and was just generally a creep but the university refused to do anything because it was due to his autism he behaved this way apparently. It made for a very uncomfortable year and in the end we handled it ourselves by having a group chat with the rest of the house in where we would send messages asking for someone else to please come to communal area if he had managed to corner one of us alone. I would suggest you approach HR and demand something is done about his behaviour but sadly they will probably refuse

[Oblomov21]

The fact your company brushed the last 2 cases under the carpet and never dealt with it, speaks volumes as to how this one will probably play out.

[Oblomov21]

Put it all in an e-mail to your manger and HR. Then you have a paper trail, evidence. Then an 'awww' won't be an appropriate response.

[gonnabeok]

OP, be careful.My ex has ADHD and autism. No way are all men with autism like this but my ex engaged in hyperfocus behaviour. He would turn up in my garden in the early hours and engage in a lot of concerning stalking type behaviour. I had to get the police involved and get a non mol order.

You are quite within your rights to ask HR to send him a letter about his conduct in the workplace which is leaving you feeling uncomfortable and harrassed. He is being very manipulative and is clearly quite intelligent.he clearly has a fixation on you. I would ask to move departments to be honest or at least sit out of sight of him.

Following another colleague is extremely concerning. That behaviour would need reporting to the police. The worrying thing is that he is using his Asperger's to stay close to you and stay in control of the situation. Of course he could be moved and would cope.Aspergers is high functioning ASD.lots of people with Asperger's have roles where they have to be flexible in the workplace. I have a male friend with Asperger's who is a senior manager.

[Kanaloa]

@LucilleBluth

As someone who works with young people with ASD it can absolutely be because of his autism. The lack of awareness about how you feel and the inability to read the social situation are classic indicators.

It’s the reason we use social stories and fully prepare them for any changes etc.

You don’t have to accept it op, autism isn’t an excuse and you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable. This needs addressing by your line managers.

I get what you’re saying but he obviously does have some comprehension of how others feel and how uncomfortable he is making them.

If it was just because his autism stops him being able to understand others’ discomfort, why would he lie to the young colleague, constructing a story in which the team would be meeting up when in fact he wanted to meet her alone? Because he understood on some level that meeting up in a group would make her feel comfortable and safe, meeting up with him alone is something she won’t agree to so she must not feel good about that. Obviously he understood this and chose to lie to trick her into a feeling of safety.

I don’t think it’s doing him any favours to say it’s just his autism and he doesn’t understand that others don’t like it. If he didn’t understand and thought this is okay, other people enjoy this, then he wouldn’t be lying and doing it secretly - he’d do it at any time he felt like.

[Onionbhajisandwich]

Would it be possible to get in touch with the other women who have experienced problems with this man, just so everyone is a little clearer on exactly what you’re dealing with? I’d also be interested to know exactly what happened to make moving him out of his previous teams necessary. As far as dealing with him yourself, I’d make sure that your concerns are all emailed and ask your management for an urgent response on how they plan to deal with this and ensure your safety.

[Dinosauria]

I would also speak to the other women. Why were their complaints not formalised, why has he been moved to your department. Would they be willing to go to the union with you, or for that matter the Police if he keeps.following you outside of work.

You are not over reacting. It is not right.

[Kanaloa]

And the idea that it’s ‘cruel’ to make him move seats is it also ‘cruel’ for op to tell him to stop following her around since he has autism? He is making people uncomfortable. His discomfort at moving seats isn’t more worthy than a woman’s discomfort at being continually harassed.

[Silenceisgolden20]

I would keep diary of every single incident, tell your manager you are going above them with reporting it and also report them for saying they feel sorry for him. That is an unacceptable response to this behaviour.
Escalate it and keep shouting about it.

When is womens safety going to be taken seriously? There was outcry on another thread for someone wearing a spiders brooch ffs and it upsetting someone at work.
Do not be alone with him. Refuse and keep refusing. Your safety is more important than his feelings

[Silenceisgolden20]

This is being minimised and swept under the carpet and you are being used to do that as they don't know what to do don't accept it.

[Robotindisguise]

I think external help is called for here. As far as union involvement is concerned, I haven’t as much faith as others in that in this particular instance - I’m a huge supporter of unions but unless your rep has had specific training… well, see how you go.

I would contact the National Autistic Society and ask who they would recommend for training and / or mediation in the workplace. Your employer is clueless and as a result is doing nothing. Training will also help you to know - if he’s staying - what you can legitimately say.

FWIW, my daughter with Aspergers gets extremely distressed when furniture is rearranged. So while it seemed like a good solution I can see why you were asked not to do it. But the line of sight thing can and should be relaxed for your own comfort and security.

[CovidCorvid]

Can you move seats if he won’t? Ideally sit behind him. And I agree about declining to be his manager as they won’t let you actually manage him.

[Rainbowheart1]

Following you around town. That’s scary! I would absolutely report it and want it in writing.

After the meeting I’d send an email with the details on too, so atleast somewhere it’s noted what your concerns are.

[RedHelenB]

I wouldn't ask him to move again as that will be viewed as you have already been told it's a reasonable adjustment for his disability. However, I agree with those who are saying short repeated commands. Geraldo needs to be told in no uncertain terms by senior management that stating at you and coming across to your desk asking personal questions is sexual harassment and needs to stop. If you feel he is stalking you out and about is get the police involved, and is he letting my managers know this too.

[AutumnLeafy]

Speak to HR and ask them if it's correct that you are not allowed to tell him you are uncomfortable as you would with anyone else.

[Beautiful3]

You have to tell him not to do those things as he's doing them. If he doesn't stop then tell hr.

[picklemewalnuts]

A few things strike me, some about his needs due to ASD, others about your right to be safe and to feel safe- regardless of anxiety.

His needs- don't try and move him at work, that may well be a genuine issue and best avoided. Do be bluntly outspoken. Don't tell him he makes you uncomfortable, say 'don't follow me, I don't like it. Don't stand that close, I don't like it.' 'Don't bump into me this weekend. I hate seeing people from work.' Be very matter of fact in your statements, no anger, no glaring. No need to catch his eye, best avoided in intense moments to be honest.

Your rights- your anxiety is almost irrelevant to this situation. It would be wrong, anxiety or not. Write your email about inappropriate behaviour, but the anxiety should be a separate sentence on the end. 'His behaviour is inappropriate, unprofessional, noticeable to others, intimidating and sexual harassment. Additionally it's worsening my mental health and impairing my performance at work.'

Don't underestimate this man's behaviour- people with ASD can also be people who commit terrible crimes.