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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at partner re money

183 replies

Humbugslife · 21/10/2021 19:25

Dont know whether im here to rant or to be told IABU. My partner earns probably easy twice as much as me. I take home say 1.6k a month and am a single parent. My bills inc rent council tax gas electric childcare etc are well over 1k and i get say 300 uc. My partner meanwhile lives with his mum idk how much he earns but i know its over 3.5k a month (he got a bonus and was saying its great 80% of a months wages etc). We both work hard but i dont think he realises the pressure he puts on me to financially live up to this lifestyle he wants. He stays in mine half the week and doesnt contribute financially i buy food in for his lunches and dinners hot showers twice a day etc. He would the odd time come back with bread or milk thats about it. He keeps mentioning going on two holidays next year. We should just go away for the weekend hotel breaks. I think he thinks i have some money tree that doesnt exist. Only recently he applied for a mortgage to get a housr without even telling me as he said he just seen it and knew it was right so was going to tell me after when it was finalised. He only recently said to me i should move down closer his way as he has commitments down there and cannot leave and wants to spend more time with me (lives in a separate area of england). This all sounds great but he expects me to rent out an appartment (more expensive in his area) he then could stay with me even more according to him. Ive already been eating into my savings i cant afford any of this unless he would be willing to share bills or rent. Only recently he was saying how great his shares are doing he just stuck in 2k sure its only 2k doesnt really matter if he loses it. Thats alot of money to me. Hes honestly not a bad guy i just dont think he realises the impact all these things have on me while i live payslip to payslip. He is also tight in other areas. Wpuld suggest sharing meals if out. We both split bills or on a night out take turns to buy drinks my friends say yano their bf takes them out for the night and doesnt let them spend. Im not like that in the slightest but it seems to be everything else getting to much for me. Its his bday soon and he was saying he wants a weekend away and that i shouldnt be spending too much on the hotel (implying im paying for it) when he has already told me what present he wants that was expensive enough. Help am i really being unreasonable how would you explain things to him in this situation

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 21/10/2021 23:20

he travels for work so works down my area those days and works from home the other days

As others have said, he is using you. How convenient that you just happen to live where he works 4 days a week and he can stay at yours and get fed etc FOR FREE.

No wonder he has so much bloody money.

Stop allowing this man to use you.

savannahnights · 21/10/2021 23:50

@scoobydoo1971

Freeloader with a history of exploiting women...look at his mum for starters! Freeloader with no dignity or respect for others...and you in particular. For some men, single parents are deemed a special target. They are perceived as willing to tolerate more leeching, in view of 'accommodating' a young family at home, and limited time for outside dating. It is easy to turn up, eat dinner for free, enjoy the heating and tv, and get sex. Leave in the morning with no effort. Raise your standards and stop rationalising his behaviour. I am a very financially independent woman, and my boyfriend earns much less than me. When we have dates, he pays for everything and hates me buying anything. I pay to travel to see him. Some men have pride and self-respect, and want to impress you as a potential long term partner. They don't treat you badly as they value your contribution to their life. This man does not value you. You can continue to take this financial abuse, or run for the hills with your purse in hand!
Based on what OP has said in her comments, he's not freeloading off\exploiting his mother. He covers the upkeep of a few of their family properties (which no doubt isn't cheap) and pays the gas and electric at their home. He sounds like a crappy boyfriend but a good son.
washingmachines4 · 21/10/2021 23:56

Please dump - this is an awful arrangement

RaisedByPangolins · 22/10/2021 00:35

FWIW OP my DP earns 6 figures and I’m on NMW and tax credits. I do ok for myself but if we go on holiday he pays for it. If we go for dinner he usually pays. If it’s me, him and my 3 DCs then he’ll offer to pay for mine and his, and I get the kids’. He also sends me a couple of hundred ££ a month towards expenses for the nights he stays with me. He has his own house and bills etc where he lives with his DC, and stays with me 2-3 times a week. It did take a bit of a chat about the discrepancy in incomes for him to offer the monthly financial support but I’m also wary of getting too financially involved with him because of tax credits etc. The way I see it is that I’m lending him money by subbing him when he’s here for dinner etc and he pays it back at the end of the month. I know tax credits have some strange ideas about what constitutes “living as partners” and given that your man doesn’t have his own place but stays with his mum, I’d be cautious about getting too financially entangled with him. However he should absolutely be paying for meals out and holidays. He sounds tight and thoughtless.

Viviennemary · 22/10/2021 01:29

I hope you are declaring the money you receive from your partner on your claim for benefits.

nextdoorslawnmower · 22/10/2021 02:22

Fgs sake op grow up. Stop giving away your child's money for some cock.

timeisnotaline · 22/10/2021 03:38

@Viviennemary

I hope you are declaring the money you receive from your partner on your claim for benefits.
I hope you aren’t declaring it. He’s not supporting the op. If she’s worried about how it looks for benefits she can give him a big shopping list and he can turn up with the food he eats for a month; there is no need to declare the cost of food for a boyfriend who visits a lot.
3scape · 22/10/2021 07:54

He's a freeloader op. If you're going to be in a relationship it needs to be an honest and balanced one please leave this manchild for someone independent and proud.

tricervixtops · 22/10/2021 08:19

He's not your partner.

Do NOT move closer to him. Do not spend any more of your savings on this man.

Every pound you spend on him is a pound less you have for your kids.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/10/2021 08:23

YABU! You need to tell him. Open your mouth and point out to him that you are subsidising him and have eaten into your savings to do so!

You will learn a lot about your true position in his life from his reaction. Be prepared!

FatBettyintheCoop · 22/10/2021 08:32

You poor love.

I’m so sorry but you sound so desperate for a relationship with another man that you’ve let your standards slip far too low without even realising it.

If he isn’t focussing on you (and your child) when he stays over, he isn’t good partner material.

He’s using you as a free base for when he’s working in your area and you’re putting up with this just for a bit of company. You may not realise this but this really isn’t any different to living with a cruel and violent man. Both types are SELFISH USERS and are doing the bare minimum of nice things to keep you hooked.

He is draining you both financially and emotionally. You need to end this now and focus on building up your self esteem and your savings.

Wooky8 · 22/10/2021 08:40

He sounds like a penis. How old is he?! Talk about unaware and ignorant. However, you also need to assert yourself more, please do, good luck.

notanothertakeaway · 22/10/2021 08:48

Sorry I think I he's using you for free accommodation the days he works near you

appleturnovers · 22/10/2021 09:14

To be fair, everyone is saying how awful he is, but does he actually know your financial situation?

I find that people always seem to think their own personal financial situation is the norm. Even people who have been poor themselves can be astonishingly quick to forget what it's like to be poor as soon as they get a bit of a pay rise. So he probably just genuinely doesn't realise.

You really need to talk to him about it. Tell him you can't afford things. Tell him you don't want to buy certain things because it means you can't spend on other things. People often feel embarrassed about these sorts of conversations, but ultimately, if you're hoping that the relationship will progress to something more (marriage) then you will have to be frank with each other as your finances will very literally and legally be his problem, and vice versa.

His reaction to that conversation will then determine whether he is a freeloading ar**hole or just a bit oblivious.

Alcemeg · 22/10/2021 17:57

Tell him what you like. He won't give a toss!

You can try, of course. Good luck with that Flowers

WhatAShilohPitt · 22/10/2021 19:17

This is really sad op because he’s you’re partner and you’re really struggling while he’s sitting on loads more cash and planning a financially secure future. One of the reasons he is doing do well isn’t just his income - it’s that you kindly reduce his expenses for him! You must speak to him about this and tell him that you can’t afford to continue spending so much when you earn a fraction of what he earns - he needs to be contributing more. If he loves you, he’ll be mortified to know that he’s causing you this sort of financial worry. If he doesn’t change, bin him. This is the best you’ll get from him.

WhatAShilohPitt · 22/10/2021 19:17

*your

Nondescriptname · 22/10/2021 19:25

I feel uncomfortable talking about my money matters

If you won't talk to him about this, then just Put up & Shut up, or Dump him.

Rummikub · 22/10/2021 19:30

I’m skint
I’m upfront about it even asked to go for meals out.

I tried for awhile to save face but it is not sustainable.

In your situation start saying you can’t afford it or start making beans on toast for his dinners. K imagine he’ll soon disappear.

saf1ya7 · 22/10/2021 19:32

What an utter joke these men are. Pathetic. What is wrong with the world, I ask you? Wake up woman!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/10/2021 09:28

He also says he wants to save a safety net of 30k

He’s doing that by freeloading off you OP!!!! Whilst your savings are being eaten up!!

He generously pays the “upkeep” on leased family properties. You mentioned these were run like a family business. This doesn’t add up.

It sounds like he either doesn’t know the terminology (and if so why not? Is it real) or he’s deliberately making it sound like “poor me I have so many expenses and responsibilities”
Property leases run for decades often 99 years for eg. It’s like owning the property. The person who owns the property can sub let (rent). Is he managing leased properties or sub letting (renting them out)
That would make him the landlord effectively Paying the “upkeep” ( does he mean annual service charge, as in flats? Or just general maintenance or boiler insurance?again landlord responsibility)
The rent from the person living there more than covers these charges plus a profit. It’s hard to believe he will be running these properties at a loss which is how he makes it sound, or if he’s paying the “upkeep” himself but not being fully compensated by the rent.
So he’s also getting income from these properties but passing it off as if dealing with them is a huge burden. Sounds like he’s deliberately talking a load of blah blah to me. People with multiple properties don’t find as difficult to get a mortgage as he suggests.
If he has all these presumably rentable properties why the heck is he living with his Mum and sponging off you staying at your house for four days a week while he builds a £30k “safety net”
It just doesn’t add up.

How much has he spent on Christmas/birthday presents for you and your child… was it the same amount as he wants you to spend on him?

As a PP said every pound you spend on him is a pound less spent on your child. Invest the money you are spending on this con mans expensive birthday presents and hotel rooms and no doubt expensive Christmas presents too into a savings account for your child’s future.

Incidentally what are his Christmas plans… These tend to give a good indication of people’s intentions.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 23/10/2021 09:36

You need to just be honest and he clearly earns a lot more than you so he should contribute when he's staying win you.

waterrat · 23/10/2021 09:43

As a single mum op you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids not to continue letting this man behave like this

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/10/2021 09:47

He's not the man for you OP

GabriellaMontez · 23/10/2021 09:55

Please dump him. He's a selfish, tight, thoughtless wanker.

But also ask yourself why you've let this go on. Why didn't you ever openly say

"Do we have a long future together? How do you see us"

"I have very little left at the end of each month so I need you to contribute to the house as you're here so much."

And push any problems back to him " how do you think I could afford to rent a house there?"

If you can't speak openly it's not really much of a partnership.