To be annoyed at partner re money

[Humbugslife]

Dont know whether im here to rant or to be told IABU. My partner earns probably easy twice as much as me. I take home say 1.6k a month and am a single parent. My bills inc rent council tax gas electric childcare etc are well over 1k and i get say 300 uc. My partner meanwhile lives with his mum idk how much he earns but i know its over 3.5k a month (he got a bonus and was saying its great 80% of a months wages etc). We both work hard but i dont think he realises the pressure he puts on me to financially live up to this lifestyle he wants. He stays in mine half the week and doesnt contribute financially i buy food in for his lunches and dinners hot showers twice a day etc. He would the odd time come back with bread or milk thats about it. He keeps mentioning going on two holidays next year. We should just go away for the weekend hotel breaks. I think he thinks i have some money tree that doesnt exist. Only recently he applied for a mortgage to get a housr without even telling me as he said he just seen it and knew it was right so was going to tell me after when it was finalised. He only recently said to me i should move down closer his way as he has commitments down there and cannot leave and wants to spend more time with me (lives in a separate area of england). This all sounds great but he expects me to rent out an appartment (more expensive in his area) he then could stay with me even more according to him. Ive already been eating into my savings i cant afford any of this unless he would be willing to share bills or rent. Only recently he was saying how great his shares are doing he just stuck in 2k sure its only 2k doesnt really matter if he loses it. Thats alot of money to me. Hes honestly not a bad guy i just dont think he realises the impact all these things have on me while i live payslip to payslip. He is also tight in other areas. Wpuld suggest sharing meals if out. We both split bills or on a night out take turns to buy drinks my friends say yano their bf takes them out for the night and doesnt let them spend. Im not like that in the slightest but it seems to be everything else getting to much for me. Its his bday soon and he was saying he wants a weekend away and that i shouldnt be spending too much on the hotel (implying im paying for it) when he has already told me what present he wants that was expensive enough. Help am i really being unreasonable how would you explain things to him in this situation

[homeonthehill]

I was married to someone like this. We were together for 11 years so my salary did increase over time but he always way way out earned me but expected me to pay half of everything. Looking back I remember feeling it was fair at the time but it absolutely wasn't! I was often using credit cards or overdraft or going without things I needed whilst he booked expensive trips, put loads of expensive shit on the shopping list (he paid bills and I did food) it just totally took the piss and now I can see it I wish upon wish I'd said something.

Don't put up with it, he's a prick

[DrManhattan]

No wonder he's minted, you and his mum are paying for everything

[mediumbrownmug]

Yikes, OP. You need to talk to this guy. You have a you problem. It’s necessary to have basic boundaries and communicate them to those around you. This is one of those times, as it’s impacting you saving for your child’s future.

[PuzzledObserver]

How does he do his high-powered high-paying job in a different part of England while staying with you four nights a week?

Does he give his Mum money for bills/food - or is she funding the other three days?

[GettingItOutThere]

you lost me at "he lives with his mum"

chuck him OP, he is a freeloader and a waste of space. Any decent man would offer to pay his way at yours, buy shopping or take you out and actually pay.

He lives with mummy and hes just going to move you in eventually to take over her role, never marry you and chuck you out when hes had enough

hes freeloader - get rid

[DroopyClematis]

It sounds like he hasn't a clue about your financial situation. You've said that you're not comfortable talking about your financial situation.

Why don't you have a long heart to heart?
He would like you to move nearer... he wouldn't suggest that if he knew your actual financial status.

Talk to him!!!

[TheyWentToSeaInASieve]

Is it possible he is extremely immature (he lives with his parents!) I suspect he will learn the hard way with you and move on to be a bigger person. I have experience of one of these, but never came up with a solution I am afraid.

[PurpleOkapi]

Everyone's assuming he knows how much OP makes, but I don't see that stated anywhere and it doesn't sound like they've discussed this at all. So OP, does he? If he doesn't have children, he'd have no reason to know what childcare costs.

As for the house, I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. If you decide to live together down the line but you hate that particular house for some reason, he could always sell it and buy one more to your liking. It does suggest that he's not planning to live together in the next year or so, though. Which IMHO is perfectly reasonable, since you basically have a long-distance relationship with occasional visits. I don't blame him for wanting you to live in the same city for a while before taking that step.

[PennyWus]

I just think you need to be very direct with him. Not complaining, just state the facts and how it makes you feel when he doesnt notice you are poorer than him.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I'd totally dump him, your kids come first not this prick.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

i buy food in for his lunches and dinners

Well stop that for a start!

You are not his mummy.

[ohdeariforgot]

He is NOT a your partner.

If he was your partner you would be sharing income and outgoings.

He is a selfish boyfriend that you should dump

[MadeItOut21]

Wow he's taking advantage of you. Massively. Dump him now, people don't change!

[Humbugslife]

@puzzledObserver he travels for work so works down my area those days and works from home the other days. @GettingItOutThere his mum is quite disabled and they have a few family properties they lease out so he covers upkeep on them and pays gas and electric at home. They see their family as like a property business almost.
@DroopyClematis ive basically said to him id need to move in with my mum for a bit to save up funds and not uave to pay childcare. This upset him and he thought i wanted to end the relationship and was considering ending things as id be moving away further but then he agreed we could try long distance. I feel like if he just said to me u know il be staying half the week il cover the electric or whatever that would help and i woudlnt even need to go down the moving back home with mum route. So although no direct conversation re my earnings i did say i couldnt afford to just move closer to you and id need to save up some money first by moving back with my mum.

[ThinWomansBrain]

I can't quite fathom why you describe this person as a partner TBH - not really an equal relationship in any respect.

[Viviennemary]

He is a meanie. Ditch him. If he is buying a house without even hardly mentioning it to you it doesn't sound as if you are in his long term plans.

[Catflapkitkat]

I cannot believe you are a single mum, working and YOU ARE BUYING FOOD FOR HIS LUNCHES. Please tell me you are not making them as well.

You boyfriend is mean of spirit. The worst kind of mean. If he is that money savvy - shares, mortgage application and percentage known of bonus, he knows full well he is NOT contributing. He is getting a kick out of it - at your expense. I would be raging.

When I was a student I dated a man who earned XX times my minimum wage weekend job. He loved to eat at good restaurants and always paid, I loved to cook, so that would be my date but he would bring wine/present for the cat etc. He never turned up empty handed. At the time a lot of my fellow students had jobs in theatres and cinemas and I could score us weekday freebies. He would sort out expensive concerts etc. There was a huge difference in what we earned but it never felt that way. It can be done your boyfriend choses to take money from you and your child.

As for him telling you he wants an expensive weekend away for his birthday. My early teens have more discretion than that. How grabby is that?

End it now OP. It will not get any better. He has already bought a house without telling you and suggested you move closer to him at your expense. Notice he didn't suggest you and your child move in with him. I don't think he sees you as a long term prospect. Get yourself a grown up.

Good luck OP

[poppymaewrite]

He knows what he’s doing. He’s taking advantage. Run!

[Couldhavebeenme3]

Class A cocklodger.

I had one like this, in 8 months he spent 5 nights a week at my house and all he ever contributed was one bag of shopping. He also had lots of food allergies so my grocery shopping bill went waaay up. At least mine got lunch at work.

He wants you to fork out to move you and your kids closer to him (but not live in his mortgaged house ) but doesn't contribute to your existing expenses?

Hills are over there op. Just beyond the red flag superstore

[Joystir59]

You are not in a relationship. He is just using you. Everything is on his terms.

[Olivegreenstrawberries]

So although no direct conversation re my earnings


Why haven't you had a direct conversation?

[Catflapkitkat]

Arrggh cross post. Just read your update. A bit saddened by it. You are settling OP. You and your child deserve better

[Applesonthelawn]

You are a single parent who is willingly spending money unwisely to support your new relationship. Get your priorities in order. Tell him that your priorities are making a good life for your child and not keeping up with him. If he is a good enough man to be a step father to your child, he will respond well to that. If he isn't, so be it, you are better off without him. When you are single mother you absolutely must set the bar extremely high for whoever you bring into your child's life. Speak out about that to protect your child and stop behaving like you are desperate to have a boyfriend.

[Etinoxaurus]

@Humbugslife, “Im not saying i expect him to pay for food”
Why not? Why on earth should you be eating into your savings to feed this high earning freeloader?! Wake up, please

[Naunet]

Everyone's assuming he knows how much OP makes, but I don't see that stated anywhere and it doesn't sound like they've discussed this at all. So OP, does he? If he doesn't have children, he'd have no reason to know what childcare costs

It doesn’t matter, irrelevant of what she earns, he should be contributing towards the food he’s eating. Also it’s fucking rude to demand an expensive gift AND a hotel room - If a woman behaved like that, she’d be called a gold digger, MORE so if her partner was loaded.