To be annoyed at partner re money

[Humbugslife]

Dont know whether im here to rant or to be told IABU. My partner earns probably easy twice as much as me. I take home say 1.6k a month and am a single parent. My bills inc rent council tax gas electric childcare etc are well over 1k and i get say 300 uc. My partner meanwhile lives with his mum idk how much he earns but i know its over 3.5k a month (he got a bonus and was saying its great 80% of a months wages etc). We both work hard but i dont think he realises the pressure he puts on me to financially live up to this lifestyle he wants. He stays in mine half the week and doesnt contribute financially i buy food in for his lunches and dinners hot showers twice a day etc. He would the odd time come back with bread or milk thats about it. He keeps mentioning going on two holidays next year. We should just go away for the weekend hotel breaks. I think he thinks i have some money tree that doesnt exist. Only recently he applied for a mortgage to get a housr without even telling me as he said he just seen it and knew it was right so was going to tell me after when it was finalised. He only recently said to me i should move down closer his way as he has commitments down there and cannot leave and wants to spend more time with me (lives in a separate area of england). This all sounds great but he expects me to rent out an appartment (more expensive in his area) he then could stay with me even more according to him. Ive already been eating into my savings i cant afford any of this unless he would be willing to share bills or rent. Only recently he was saying how great his shares are doing he just stuck in 2k sure its only 2k doesnt really matter if he loses it. Thats alot of money to me. Hes honestly not a bad guy i just dont think he realises the impact all these things have on me while i live payslip to payslip. He is also tight in other areas. Wpuld suggest sharing meals if out. We both split bills or on a night out take turns to buy drinks my friends say yano their bf takes them out for the night and doesnt let them spend. Im not like that in the slightest but it seems to be everything else getting to much for me. Its his bday soon and he was saying he wants a weekend away and that i shouldnt be spending too much on the hotel (implying im paying for it) when he has already told me what present he wants that was expensive enough. Help am i really being unreasonable how would you explain things to him in this situation

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

@Mix56

Is this fictitious "mother" actually his wife ?

That was my first thought.

[Mix56]

Is this fictitious "mother" actually his wife ?

[RantyAunty]

There is no use talking to him about all this as he knows exactly what he's doing.

[PennyPooBags]

@Konyeshno

Companies that expect employees to travel to a secondary location some of the time for work have to pay for a hotel/B&B or provide a stipend if they stay with friends. If he's the high earner he claims, he'll be pocketing at least an extra couple hundred quid a week for the 4 nights he stays with you. Cocklodging waste of space.

This!! Or they may be paying his additional mileage every day @ 40p a mile.

Bet he has squirrelled away £££!

[LuaDipa]

He’s a complete freeloader. He stays with you and eats your food without contributing a penny and then doesn’t even take you out for dinner or contribute in any other way. He’s disgusting and you need to get rid. Every penny you spend on this man is money you are depriving yourself and your dc of. He doesn’t care about you because if he did this would not be happening. He needs to go and I think you need to work to understand what a healthy, reciprocal relationship is actually like.

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

Dear god op end it. Ans dint be taken for a mug again.

[Konyeshno]

Companies that expect employees to travel to a secondary location some of the time for work have to pay for a hotel/B&B or provide a stipend if they stay with friends. If he's the high earner he claims, he'll be pocketing at least an extra couple hundred quid a week for the 4 nights he stays with you. Cocklodging waste of space.

[Happieronmyown]

I would not put up with this. He stays at yours half the week, every week & contributes nothing? He wants to buy a house but still stay at yours for nothing? Is he still living with his mum cos he's been too tight to move out, & no other woman has put up with his free loading ways? If he earns a decent wage he must be intelligent enough to know what he's doing, how it impacts you & that it will be harder for you as a single parent, but just doesn't care about that as long as he can save his own money.
I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that you can't afford to finance HIS life any longer and that he's a tight user. Even if you earnt the same as him why should he keep free loading off you like this?
And he sounds like a barrel of laughs - his idea of a fun night out is to SHARE a meal, despite being able to afford a whole meal of his own, embarrassing & humiliating for you.
You definitely are nbu, & I am incandescent with rage on your behalf!

[GabriellaMontez]

Please dump him. He's a selfish, tight, thoughtless wanker.

But also ask yourself why you've let this go on. Why didn't you ever openly say

"Do we have a long future together? How do you see us"

"I have very little left at the end of each month so I need you to contribute to the house as you're here so much."

And push any problems back to him " how do you think I could afford to rent a house there?"

If you can't speak openly it's not really much of a partnership.

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

He's not the man for you OP

[waterrat]

As a single mum op you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids not to continue letting this man behave like this

[BunnytheFriendlyDragon]

You need to just be honest and he clearly earns a lot more than you so he should contribute when he's staying win you.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

He also says he wants to save a safety net of 30k

He’s doing that by freeloading off you OP!!!! Whilst your savings are being eaten up!!

He generously pays the “upkeep” on leased family properties. You mentioned these were run like a family business. This doesn’t add up.
It sounds like he either doesn’t know the terminology (and if so why not? Is it real) or he’s deliberately making it sound like “poor me I have so many expenses and responsibilities”
Property leases run for decades often 99 years for eg. It’s like owning the property. The person who owns the property can sub let (rent). Is he managing leased properties or sub letting (renting them out)
That would make him the landlord effectively Paying the “upkeep” ( does he mean annual service charge, as in flats? Or just general maintenance or boiler insurance?again landlord responsibility)
The rent from the person living there more than covers these charges plus a profit. It’s hard to believe he will be running these properties at a loss which is how he makes it sound, or if he’s paying the “upkeep” himself but not being fully compensated by the rent.
So he’s also getting income from these properties but passing it off as if dealing with them is a huge burden. Sounds like he’s deliberately talking a load of blah blah to me. People with multiple properties don’t find as difficult to get a mortgage as he suggests.
If he has all these presumably rentable properties why the heck is he living with his Mum and sponging off you staying at your house for four days a week while he builds a £30k “safety net”
It just doesn’t add up.

How much has he spent on Christmas/birthday presents for you and your child… was it the same amount as he wants you to spend on him?

As a PP said every pound you spend on him is a pound less spent on your child. Invest the money you are spending on this con mans expensive birthday presents and hotel rooms and no doubt expensive Christmas presents too into a savings account for your child’s future.

Incidentally what are his Christmas plans… These tend to give a good indication of people’s intentions.

[saf1ya7]

What an utter joke these men are. Pathetic. What is wrong with the world, I ask you? Wake up woman!

[Rummikub]

I’m skint
I’m upfront about it even asked to go for meals out.

I tried for awhile to save face but it is not sustainable.

In your situation start saying you can’t afford it or start making beans on toast for his dinners. K imagine he’ll soon disappear.

[Nondescriptname]

I feel uncomfortable talking about my money matters

If you won't talk to him about this, then just Put up & Shut up, or Dump him.

[WhatAShilohPitt]

*your

[WhatAShilohPitt]

This is really sad op because he’s you’re partner and you’re really struggling while he’s sitting on loads more cash and planning a financially secure future. One of the reasons he is doing do well isn’t just his income - it’s that you kindly reduce his expenses for him! You must speak to him about this and tell him that you can’t afford to continue spending so much when you earn a fraction of what he earns - he needs to be contributing more. If he loves you, he’ll be mortified to know that he’s causing you this sort of financial worry. If he doesn’t change, bin him. This is the best you’ll get from him.

[Alcemeg]

Tell him what you like. He won't give a toss!

You can try, of course. Good luck with that

[appleturnovers]

To be fair, everyone is saying how awful he is, but does he actually know your financial situation?

I find that people always seem to think their own personal financial situation is the norm. Even people who have been poor themselves can be astonishingly quick to forget what it's like to be poor as soon as they get a bit of a pay rise. So he probably just genuinely doesn't realise.

You really need to talk to him about it. Tell him you can't afford things. Tell him you don't want to buy certain things because it means you can't spend on other things. People often feel embarrassed about these sorts of conversations, but ultimately, if you're hoping that the relationship will progress to something more (marriage) then you will have to be frank with each other as your finances will very literally and legally be his problem, and vice versa.

His reaction to that conversation will then determine whether he is a freeloading ar**hole or just a bit oblivious.

[notanothertakeaway]

Sorry I think I he's using you for free accommodation the days he works near you

[Wooky8]

He sounds like a penis. How old is he?! Talk about unaware and ignorant. However, you also need to assert yourself more, please do, good luck.

[FatBettyintheCoop]

You poor love.

I’m so sorry but you sound so desperate for a relationship with another man that you’ve let your standards slip far too low without even realising it.

If he isn’t focussing on you (and your child) when he stays over, he isn’t good partner material.

He’s using you as a free base for when he’s working in your area and you’re putting up with this just for a bit of company. You may not realise this but this really isn’t any different to living with a cruel and violent man. Both types are SELFISH USERS and are doing the bare minimum of nice things to keep you hooked.

He is draining you both financially and emotionally. You need to end this now and focus on building up your self esteem and your savings.

[HoardingSamphireSaurus]

YABU! You need to tell him. Open your mouth and point out to him that you are subsidising him and have eaten into your savings to do so!


You will learn a lot about your true position in his life from his reaction. Be prepared!

[tricervixtops]

He's not your partner.

Do NOT move closer to him. Do not spend any more of your savings on this man.

Every pound you spend on him is a pound less you have for your kids.