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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at partner re money

183 replies

Humbugslife · 21/10/2021 19:25

Dont know whether im here to rant or to be told IABU. My partner earns probably easy twice as much as me. I take home say 1.6k a month and am a single parent. My bills inc rent council tax gas electric childcare etc are well over 1k and i get say 300 uc. My partner meanwhile lives with his mum idk how much he earns but i know its over 3.5k a month (he got a bonus and was saying its great 80% of a months wages etc). We both work hard but i dont think he realises the pressure he puts on me to financially live up to this lifestyle he wants. He stays in mine half the week and doesnt contribute financially i buy food in for his lunches and dinners hot showers twice a day etc. He would the odd time come back with bread or milk thats about it. He keeps mentioning going on two holidays next year. We should just go away for the weekend hotel breaks. I think he thinks i have some money tree that doesnt exist. Only recently he applied for a mortgage to get a housr without even telling me as he said he just seen it and knew it was right so was going to tell me after when it was finalised. He only recently said to me i should move down closer his way as he has commitments down there and cannot leave and wants to spend more time with me (lives in a separate area of england). This all sounds great but he expects me to rent out an appartment (more expensive in his area) he then could stay with me even more according to him. Ive already been eating into my savings i cant afford any of this unless he would be willing to share bills or rent. Only recently he was saying how great his shares are doing he just stuck in 2k sure its only 2k doesnt really matter if he loses it. Thats alot of money to me. Hes honestly not a bad guy i just dont think he realises the impact all these things have on me while i live payslip to payslip. He is also tight in other areas. Wpuld suggest sharing meals if out. We both split bills or on a night out take turns to buy drinks my friends say yano their bf takes them out for the night and doesnt let them spend. Im not like that in the slightest but it seems to be everything else getting to much for me. Its his bday soon and he was saying he wants a weekend away and that i shouldnt be spending too much on the hotel (implying im paying for it) when he has already told me what present he wants that was expensive enough. Help am i really being unreasonable how would you explain things to him in this situation

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2021 19:50

You are the one allowing him to freeload off of you. Sorry, but this is your doing entirely. You should have told him to pay his fair share ages ago or dumped him.

Raise your standards and learn how to create boundaries.

whatever1980 · 21/10/2021 19:52

He isn’t your partner sorry but he isn’t.

How long have you been with him for?

He got a mortgage for a house without telling you - he doesn’t want to live with you or have you on a mortgage. He sees no future with you.

He doesn’t contribute to your house,

doesn’t spoil you with nights out or gifts - expects you to pay your own way on holidays

Asks for expensive presents

Telling you to move closer to him and rent (what to save him petrol money on travel to you)

He sounds totally and entirely unattractive.

Bluemoononkentucky · 21/10/2021 19:52

What the hell are you doing to yourself OP?

Letting this absolute oxygen thief into your home and your purse.

For the sake of you and your children, get the fuck out of this situation before he chews you up and spits you out.

No companionship, no amount of dick, cuddles or easy conversation is worth putting up with being used so comprehensively.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2021 19:53

I feel uncomfortable talking about my money matters

Well that just doesn't work, does it? You're an adult, money is a HUGE issue. If you can't talk to a partner openly and honestly about money, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. It's doomed to fail.

madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 19:53

If you can't talk money with your partner, your relationship is going nowhere. You should be able to say, this is what I earn and I simply can't afford the demands you're putting on my finances. If you can't even state something as basic as that, you and he don't even have a relationship.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/10/2021 19:56

Op this man is not a keeper. He is tight. He is self absorbed. He is demanding.

I don’t see any point in sitting him down and talking to him. He knows what he is doing. He sees you as Miss Right Now not Miss Right. Just end it, lose the stress and reflect on what you can do to set better boundaries in the future.

pollyroo · 21/10/2021 19:58

OP you get my very first 'LTTB'

Leave the tight bastard.

mickeysminnie · 21/10/2021 19:58

Interesting first post!
On the off chance this is real. Wake the fuck up op!

Brightmagic2021 · 21/10/2021 19:59

Why oh why are you providing all his food for him and why is he accepting it? So you go to the shops, buy stuff for his packed lunch, you make it and he takes it? Why did you start doing that?

Surely the topic of money comes up even casually eg why don’t you say, I can’t afford that, that’s too expensive, I’m not paying that, I’m broke this month etc. That’s normal conversation.

I assume he doesn’t have his own children?

ParmigianoReggiano · 21/10/2021 20:00

Of course he should contribute if he's there 4 nights a week OP! You are literally taking money that should be spent on you and your son and giving it away to someone who earns loads more than you.

whatever1980 · 21/10/2021 20:00

If there is one thing a partner should be it is kind.

He’s not.

It’s pretty obvious you’re not on a similar income to him and have a child to support and he’s taking advantage of you. Not even bringing milk or food and letting you make his lunch wtf.

Why are with him? Company? Cos you can do so much better than this tightwad. Don’t waste any more years on him as of you were the one (sorry to be harsh) he wouldn’t treat you like he does and would include you in his house buying plans but he totally excluded you from this.

Save your breath don’t explain just dump

MrsColon · 21/10/2021 20:00

This man is telling you who he is - believe him. He's a selfish skinflint. How DARE he suggest you move nearer to him, whilst cocklodging at your place half the week and never putting his hand in his pocket?!

He clearly has deep pockets and short arms - bin him off.

Original poster

Humbugslife · 21/10/2021 20:02

Tbh the house was a bit of a red flag. He also says he wants to save a safety net of 30k. To me him going out applying for a mortgage shows hes not interested in our future. I asked him where do u see urself in 3 years what would u want ur life to be like or what would u like. His answer was completly all about working and earnijg more money maybe being an executive own compant or something. I felt disheartened as mine was a life with him maybe living together work was the last thing that came to my mind. He then said oh obviously yano with you. Is this another red flag

OP posts:

NewLifePending · 21/10/2021 20:03

Are you sure he’s such a high earner? It screams of low earner trying to brag and big himself up.
Either way, I’d be done with him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/10/2021 20:05

Either be really clear with him as coffeebeansgalore sets out so well, and be prepared to dump him if you get a stroppy reaction, or just cut out the middle man and dump him now.

He is using up not only your money, your food, your electricity, but your children’s money, food, etc. He’s not a good man.

Kiduknot · 21/10/2021 20:07

Has he actually any idea what you earn. Maybe he thinks you earn the same as him.

Only when he actually knows the true picture can we judge the situation. Just tell him.

lastqueenofscotland · 21/10/2021 20:07

Honestly raise your fucking standards.
Get rid he sounds like the absolute pits.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/10/2021 20:07

He's eating and staying at your house 4 nights a week. That is almost 60% of the week - the other 40% he's eating at his mums.
You are paying for 60% of his food ( you even include lunch) and he won't take you out to dinner with out splitting the bill and expects YOU to pay for the hotel for his birthday weekend.
He doesn't have to pay for the gas/electricity for 60% of his showers. You do. Come on OP!!!

How long as this been going on. He is a sponger, a freeloader, a tight wad and you are worried about offending HIM by bringing it up. To answer your question.. If you still want to talk it through with him after reading the comments here and learning about his new mortgage... add it up, get the facts, make comparisons and ask him does he think its fair? his reaction should tell you all you need to know. Its coming up to Christmas, I'm assuming he'd like a nice present for that too. Christmas at your house? What about your son. You need your savings for him.

What did he get for your birthday? Where did he take you and did you have to pay half?

As for renting a more expensive flat near him, so that he can save petrol and even more on his bills whilst still ostensibly addressing a commitment he has in that area. (I;m guessing that's his mum and he will be round your house, eating you out of house and home on even more days a week.

Don't spend any more of your savings on this man. If he wants to continue he pays his way, something he's not doing at the moment.

lastqueenofscotland · 21/10/2021 20:08

@NewLifePending

Are you sure he’s such a high earner? It screams of low earner trying to brag and big himself up. Either way, I’d be done with him.

Yep agree with this also.

Indecisivelurcher · 21/10/2021 20:08

At best he doesn't understand and is an ignorant git, at worst he does, and is a selfish git. The only way to find out which it is it to talk to him, explain, and see how he reacts. Don't carry on as you are.

Thatsplentyjack · 21/10/2021 20:09

Are you sure he earns as much as he's making you believe? Not that it matters, either he's completely stupid and selfish or he has less money that he's saying and wants you to fund him. Whatever is is get rid of him.

Merryoldgoat · 21/10/2021 20:11

Leave him today. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Thatsplentyjack · 21/10/2021 20:11

Why on earth would you eat into your savings to pay for someone who claims they earn double what you earn? You have a child!

pinkyredrose · 21/10/2021 20:11

My fanny dried up just reading that. He's tight as fuck yet boasts about what he's spending/earning? Grotesque character trait indeed!

What are his good points, a solid gold cock?

cooldarkroom · 21/10/2021 20:13

Can you take his birthday present back for a refund
On his bday, give him a card, in it you write, "You are bleeding me dry.
This cant continue, I am living beyond my means, I cannot keep funding meals & utilities for you half the week, either you participate or its over..."

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