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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at partner re money

183 replies

Humbugslife · 21/10/2021 19:25

Dont know whether im here to rant or to be told IABU. My partner earns probably easy twice as much as me. I take home say 1.6k a month and am a single parent. My bills inc rent council tax gas electric childcare etc are well over 1k and i get say 300 uc. My partner meanwhile lives with his mum idk how much he earns but i know its over 3.5k a month (he got a bonus and was saying its great 80% of a months wages etc). We both work hard but i dont think he realises the pressure he puts on me to financially live up to this lifestyle he wants. He stays in mine half the week and doesnt contribute financially i buy food in for his lunches and dinners hot showers twice a day etc. He would the odd time come back with bread or milk thats about it. He keeps mentioning going on two holidays next year. We should just go away for the weekend hotel breaks. I think he thinks i have some money tree that doesnt exist. Only recently he applied for a mortgage to get a housr without even telling me as he said he just seen it and knew it was right so was going to tell me after when it was finalised. He only recently said to me i should move down closer his way as he has commitments down there and cannot leave and wants to spend more time with me (lives in a separate area of england). This all sounds great but he expects me to rent out an appartment (more expensive in his area) he then could stay with me even more according to him. Ive already been eating into my savings i cant afford any of this unless he would be willing to share bills or rent. Only recently he was saying how great his shares are doing he just stuck in 2k sure its only 2k doesnt really matter if he loses it. Thats alot of money to me. Hes honestly not a bad guy i just dont think he realises the impact all these things have on me while i live payslip to payslip. He is also tight in other areas. Wpuld suggest sharing meals if out. We both split bills or on a night out take turns to buy drinks my friends say yano their bf takes them out for the night and doesnt let them spend. Im not like that in the slightest but it seems to be everything else getting to much for me. Its his bday soon and he was saying he wants a weekend away and that i shouldnt be spending too much on the hotel (implying im paying for it) when he has already told me what present he wants that was expensive enough. Help am i really being unreasonable how would you explain things to him in this situation

OP posts:
TheUnbearable · 21/10/2021 20:42

He works in your area, you are basically a free bed and breakfast.

He does not see you as a viable long term partner, you are very much you will do.,

How did you meet and what was your childhood like because the fact that you have entertained this situation shows you have unfortunately no idea on what a mutually respectful relationship is. End it and block him on every platform, do not date him until you have worked out why you were ok with this. Find boundaries.

If a man had attempted to fleece me like this he would have been out the door.

toocold54 · 21/10/2021 20:44

I would definitely talk to him.
People don’t realise what it’s like to earn less than them and especially if you’re a single parent then you can only truly understand if you are a single parent too.

Honestly I don’t know how couples do make it work having such different incomes but I think in this case it’s not just about income it’s about lifestyle and I’m not sure he is ready to be with someone who is a single parent or who can’t afford to do the same things he wants to do.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/10/2021 20:46

Is it even a relationship if you cant sit down with him and say 'look, I earn £x a month, bills are £y a month, I only have £z a month spare and you are costing me more than this in extra food and bills and my share of nights out. I cant carry on like this as I'm already eating into my small savings just trying to keep up with you. I dont want to split up but I'm not sure of the solution, what do you think?'

He sounds oblivious asking for a present and a hotel for his birthday from a single mum who isnt a high earner! Snd boasting about being able to afford losing more than your monthly wage. I think you will know what to do from his reaction. Suggest cooking him a nice meal for his birthday. If he is embarrassed about his behaviour and says of course it's fine to do cheaper things and he didnt realise how things were and he will contribute more then I'd consider giving him another chance but otherwise he'd be in the bin

silverbubbles · 21/10/2021 20:47

I wouldn't even bother talking this through with him.

Why on earth would you even bother with such a tight fisted fucker?

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2021 20:48

You aren't a partner, you're a 'convenience'. He's not a partner he's a self-centred leech.

Dump him.

CharityDingle · 21/10/2021 20:49

He's a leech. Get rid.

theremustonlybeone · 21/10/2021 20:51

So your allowing this man to stay at your DC home half the week, take your food, pay for his lunches and he contributes nothing? I am assuming you dont stay at his with his mum so their isnt any recpirocation. He is disgusting and your a fool for eating into your savings to keep up with this selfish man. Not a chance woul I have a bloke who earns way more than me, living with me hald the week and contribute nothing. He is taking this piss...your just another 'mother'. I agree with others speak to him

bluebeck · 21/10/2021 20:52

Tell him to fuck off

Icecreamsandwich2020 · 21/10/2021 20:53

You need to put your children first. Think about the money you could be investing/saving for your children’s future. Instead you are wasting it on this loser. No man worth his salt would treat you this way. Please get some self respect and dumb him.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/10/2021 20:55

He's taking the piss and you're letting him.

It's as simple as that.

OnTheBoardwalk · 21/10/2021 20:56

Sorry OP the reason he doesn’t want you to move in with your mum (not that I would ever suggest this) is that he’d lose you and his free ride not paying food and bills

GertietheGherkin · 21/10/2021 20:56

Well he's not a partner, he's showing you loud and clear on that score. He works where you live part of the week, and you are his free board, lunches and lodgings. He's brought a house totally behind your back, and he's investing in his future.
You are convenient for him, for now.
You on the other hand are paying for his food, bills, etc, and using your savings to do this.

How are you even beginning to think this is fair? Every penny you pay out on him, is a penny that could be spent on your children.

Wake up OP!!! You need to end this ridiculous situation.
Do it for your children's sake.

Pebbledashery · 21/10/2021 20:58

What do you get out of this relationship

Changes17 · 21/10/2021 21:01

You asked how to broach the question of money. I think I'd be sitting him down, saying that: 'we need to talk about money. I am struggling to keep up with the level of spending this relationship means to me. At the same time, being with me means you are saving money, not spending it. I can't afford for it to carry on this way. What do you think?'

And that's the start of an honest conversation.

Honestly, OP, he sounds like he hasn't grown up yet, and is really just treating you like he treats his mother - somewhere to stay for free when he's not at home. He needs a reality check - and to grow up.

Tiffbiff · 21/10/2021 21:01

Unpopular opinion here, but he’s not a mind reader OP unless you tell him your situation he won’t know/ he might think you’ll be offended if he offers- now should he have- absolutely and him buying a house without talking to you does suggest you’re on different pages, but for a relationship to work you have to communicate and you’re not doing that.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 21/10/2021 21:02

Couldn't vote because YANBU to find his behaviour very selfish and upsetting, but YABU to continue to put up with him.

Dotell · 21/10/2021 21:03

You are a mug.

Pebbledashery · 21/10/2021 21:04

He didn't even respect you enough to tell you he was buying a house until he presumably exchanged contracts.. Please wake up.

Justanothercatlady · 21/10/2021 21:04

You are funding him wether you recognise that or not. He is using you to keep his money/assets for himself. It’s awful to realise that you’re being used as a cash point especially as you believe he is nice- because that is what he needs to you believe to maintain his priorities. Don’t fall for the ‘sunken costs’ fallacy. You can recover from this and learn to trust your judgement again.

whynotwhatknot · 21/10/2021 21:06

|He should be offering money if he spends half the week with you electricity food etc

thats regardless of how much you both earn

HarrisonStickle · 21/10/2021 21:11

He stays in mine half the week and doesnt contribute financially i buy food in for his lunches and dinners hot showers twice a day etc.

Why do you do this?

Only recently he applied for a mortgage to get a housr without even telling me

What an arsehole.

Ive already been eating into my savings i cant afford any of this

Why on earth are you doing it?

Hes honestly not a bad guy

Confused Grin Hmm

how would you explain things to him

"This isn't working for me. Sorry. Bye."

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 21/10/2021 21:11

Ugh
Find someone who appreciates you and who isn't a leech

RealBecca · 21/10/2021 21:12

Why aren't you just saying you cant afford it?? Going out for meals youll have to split, buying in food...using SAVINGS??

Frankly its criminal to be spending money this way to live up to his lifestyle when that money could benefit you and your kids woth days out, holidays etc. Utter madness.

I think hes ignorant at best but you seriously cannot be in a relationship if you cannot speak up and enforce boundaries. It leaves you vulnerable.

Knickerthief1 · 21/10/2021 21:14

Have you met his family and visited his home OP? Something sounds off with all of this. Is he definitely who / what he says he is?

RealBecca · 21/10/2021 21:16

Where is the relationship going? Are you going to move your kids and away from your support system and job? Because thats basically what youve told him. To not even live with him.