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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at partner re money

183 replies

Humbugslife · 21/10/2021 19:25

Dont know whether im here to rant or to be told IABU. My partner earns probably easy twice as much as me. I take home say 1.6k a month and am a single parent. My bills inc rent council tax gas electric childcare etc are well over 1k and i get say 300 uc. My partner meanwhile lives with his mum idk how much he earns but i know its over 3.5k a month (he got a bonus and was saying its great 80% of a months wages etc). We both work hard but i dont think he realises the pressure he puts on me to financially live up to this lifestyle he wants. He stays in mine half the week and doesnt contribute financially i buy food in for his lunches and dinners hot showers twice a day etc. He would the odd time come back with bread or milk thats about it. He keeps mentioning going on two holidays next year. We should just go away for the weekend hotel breaks. I think he thinks i have some money tree that doesnt exist. Only recently he applied for a mortgage to get a housr without even telling me as he said he just seen it and knew it was right so was going to tell me after when it was finalised. He only recently said to me i should move down closer his way as he has commitments down there and cannot leave and wants to spend more time with me (lives in a separate area of england). This all sounds great but he expects me to rent out an appartment (more expensive in his area) he then could stay with me even more according to him. Ive already been eating into my savings i cant afford any of this unless he would be willing to share bills or rent. Only recently he was saying how great his shares are doing he just stuck in 2k sure its only 2k doesnt really matter if he loses it. Thats alot of money to me. Hes honestly not a bad guy i just dont think he realises the impact all these things have on me while i live payslip to payslip. He is also tight in other areas. Wpuld suggest sharing meals if out. We both split bills or on a night out take turns to buy drinks my friends say yano their bf takes them out for the night and doesnt let them spend. Im not like that in the slightest but it seems to be everything else getting to much for me. Its his bday soon and he was saying he wants a weekend away and that i shouldnt be spending too much on the hotel (implying im paying for it) when he has already told me what present he wants that was expensive enough. Help am i really being unreasonable how would you explain things to him in this situation

OP posts:
Singinginshower · 21/10/2021 21:16

Has he always lived at home OP?
It just sounds to me as if he has everything done for him, so has no idea about bills and costs of grocery etc.
I don't know why you don't discuss this with him.

HarrisonStickle · 21/10/2021 21:17

maybe its my own fault

You're the one allowing him to freeload off you!

Im not saying i expect him to pay for food

Why not? He's there more than half the week!

Where is your self esteem OP? Why are you settling for such a shit relationship with a man who's bleeding you dry?

RealBecca · 21/10/2021 21:17

Is he using you for free accommodation for work? He is saving hotel money? Or claiming expenses from work?

feelingfree17 · 21/10/2021 21:18

No words!

Timetoretiretospain · 21/10/2021 21:19

@Applesonthelawn

You are a single parent who is willingly spending money unwisely to support your new relationship. Get your priorities in order. Tell him that your priorities are making a good life for your child and not keeping up with him. If he is a good enough man to be a step father to your child, he will respond well to that. If he isn't, so be it, you are better off without him. When you are single mother you absolutely must set the bar extremely high for whoever you bring into your child's life. Speak out about that to protect your child and stop behaving like you are desperate to have a boyfriend.
I think this sounds harsh, however, I agree with the sentiment . Let this man know that you are completely able to support yourself and your child but you can’t support him. If he stays 3/4 night a week Then he should contribute half to overheads . I hope he is a decent man and understands
neveradullmoment99 · 21/10/2021 21:20

@Humbugslife

Tbh the house was a bit of a red flag. He also says he wants to save a safety net of 30k. To me him going out applying for a mortgage shows hes not interested in our future. I asked him where do u see urself in 3 years what would u want ur life to be like or what would u like. His answer was completly all about working and earnijg more money maybe being an executive own compant or something. I felt disheartened as mine was a life with him maybe living together work was the last thing that came to my mind. He then said oh obviously yano with you. Is this another red flag Sad
Red flag. He is using you. Listen to your gut. He is not for you. If unsure, lay the cards on the table and say about moving in together as a proper couple. Then watch his reaction. Sounds like he is getting his cake and eating it too.
TollgateDebs · 21/10/2021 21:21

This is so like a situation my friend was in and recently came to a head! He earned 3 x her money and expected her to pay for it all. She sat him down and he freaked, said she only wanted him for his money (as if, she never saw it!) and then left her in the lurch - she'd moved to be nearer him, took on a higher rent and costs and was left to pick up the pieces, resulting in her working full time, then nights and weekends to make ends meet. Sit him down, show him the figures, tell him what you've told us and then you will know either way ...

RandomMess · 21/10/2021 21:23

You are you free lodgings when he's working in your area!!

Bananalanacake · 21/10/2021 21:24

Whatever you do don't move in with him.

category12 · 21/10/2021 21:26

He sounds like a user.

He also doesn't sound like a nice person.

You could do better. I suggest you do.

Chickychickydodah · 21/10/2021 21:26

You need to be honest with him or you cannot make a future with this guy. Tell him the truth and if he wants you to move then he pays . If he is still freeloading after this then dump him.

fuckyourpronouns · 21/10/2021 21:27

@Humbugslife would you buy a house and then tell him as an afterthought?

PennyPooBags · 21/10/2021 21:27

Free lodgings, free food and shags then back to mummy with his laundry!

RosieCockle · 21/10/2021 21:30

You're using your savings to buy your boyfriend lunch? Is this a joke?

PurpleOkapi · 21/10/2021 21:31

@Naunet

Everyone's assuming he knows how much OP makes, but I don't see that stated anywhere and it doesn't sound like they've discussed this at all. So OP, does he? If he doesn't have children, he'd have no reason to know what childcare costs

It doesn’t matter, irrelevant of what she earns, he should be contributing towards the food he’s eating. Also it’s fucking rude to demand an expensive gift AND a hotel room - If a woman behaved like that, she’d be called a gold digger, MORE so if her partner was loaded.

Depending on the circumstances, it could matter a lot. If he never asked her to buy food for him, and she always just did it unasked and never so much as suggested that he should pay for anything, then him never volunteering might be a little thoughtless, but it can be written off as him (wrongly, as it turns out) trusting her own judgment about what she can and can't afford. Because if she couldn't afford to do it, why would she have taken it upon herself to start doing it?

And I'd say the same thing if the sexes were reversed. It's no one else's job to manage another adult's finances for them.

Timetoretiretospain · 21/10/2021 21:31

@RandomMess

You are you free lodgings when he's working in your area!!
Whit?????
StaplesCorner · 21/10/2021 21:32

Oh please OP you have kids to consider FFS this isn’t a relationship! Raise your standards!

Timetoretiretospain · 21/10/2021 21:32

Sorry misread / you're correct/ sounds like free lodging!!!

SunshineCake1 · 21/10/2021 21:33

He can expect all he likes but you're the one saying carry on Hmm.

CallMeNutribullet · 21/10/2021 21:38

Op I think you need to end this relationship and spend something time working on yourself, learn how to establish boundaries and have honest conversations about what your expectations are in a relationship.
This guy is freeloading from you. You call him a partner but you can't have a conversation about money or the future of your relationship.

nimbuscloud · 21/10/2021 21:38

It’s your children I feel sorry for.
Are you so desperate for a man that you tolerate this ?

Nondescriptname · 21/10/2021 21:38

Don't ask him for money for staying with you.
Tell him that you can't have him to stay so often as it is costing you too much. You are ever so sorry etc etc.
Then he has the chance to offer some money.

He's saving a fortune by staying with you and not somewhere else, or commuting.

He's pushing to see how much crap from him you will tolerate.

PennyPooBags · 21/10/2021 21:39

After your bills and hopefully adding to your savings any moneyleft over should go on you or your children, not this leech!

category12 · 21/10/2021 21:41

@PennyPooBags

After your bills and hopefully adding to your savings any moneyleft over should go on you or your children, not this leech!
This.

While you're subsidising his lifestyle, you're putting him ahead of your children's interests, as well as your own.

Alcemeg · 21/10/2021 21:43

Post divorce, I spent six years with someone just like this. I was so grateful to him for not being coldly cruel that I was prepared to make endless allowances for him "just not understanding" the financial things I kept trying to explain to him. I could talk till I was blue in the face and he never listened. The effect on my life was like being descended on by a flock of locusts. He just took whatever he could. I remember feeling ashamed of myself for hiding my favourite cereal in the kitchen cupboards when he came over for a weekend, but it was the only way I got to eat any of it. To him, it was just there to scoff. To me, it was an expensive treat.

Honestly OP people like this just take the piss. They don't get any better.

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