To be annoyed at partner re money

[Humbugslife]

Dont know whether im here to rant or to be told IABU. My partner earns probably easy twice as much as me. I take home say 1.6k a month and am a single parent. My bills inc rent council tax gas electric childcare etc are well over 1k and i get say 300 uc. My partner meanwhile lives with his mum idk how much he earns but i know its over 3.5k a month (he got a bonus and was saying its great 80% of a months wages etc). We both work hard but i dont think he realises the pressure he puts on me to financially live up to this lifestyle he wants. He stays in mine half the week and doesnt contribute financially i buy food in for his lunches and dinners hot showers twice a day etc. He would the odd time come back with bread or milk thats about it. He keeps mentioning going on two holidays next year. We should just go away for the weekend hotel breaks. I think he thinks i have some money tree that doesnt exist. Only recently he applied for a mortgage to get a housr without even telling me as he said he just seen it and knew it was right so was going to tell me after when it was finalised. He only recently said to me i should move down closer his way as he has commitments down there and cannot leave and wants to spend more time with me (lives in a separate area of england). This all sounds great but he expects me to rent out an appartment (more expensive in his area) he then could stay with me even more according to him. Ive already been eating into my savings i cant afford any of this unless he would be willing to share bills or rent. Only recently he was saying how great his shares are doing he just stuck in 2k sure its only 2k doesnt really matter if he loses it. Thats alot of money to me. Hes honestly not a bad guy i just dont think he realises the impact all these things have on me while i live payslip to payslip. He is also tight in other areas. Wpuld suggest sharing meals if out. We both split bills or on a night out take turns to buy drinks my friends say yano their bf takes them out for the night and doesnt let them spend. Im not like that in the slightest but it seems to be everything else getting to much for me. Its his bday soon and he was saying he wants a weekend away and that i shouldnt be spending too much on the hotel (implying im paying for it) when he has already told me what present he wants that was expensive enough. Help am i really being unreasonable how would you explain things to him in this situation

[Notmoresugar]

He's an absolute piss-taker leach.
Getting a mortgage behind your back!!
Telling you in effect how many hundreds you are going to spend on him for his b'day.
He's a disgrace, dump the using git and don't look back.

[Zanina]

I'm not convinced he is earning what he says he is. If he is on that much why is he living with his mum and making you pay out so much

[category12]

@Zanina

I'm not convinced he is earning what he says he is. If he is on that much why is he living with his mum and making you pay out so much

Rich people can be penny-pinching, freeloading misers. The wealthy don't stay wealthy by giving it away.

[Sundancerintherain]

He is rinsing you and you are letting him. Woman up and tell him straight !

[jay55]

Why, why would you buy his dinner and lunches? Why?
Why are you helping him to financial freedom while putting yourself under strain?
It makes no sense.
Just stop it.

[Mamlife]

Honestly OP people like this just take the piss. They don't get any better.
Couldn’t have said it better @Alcemeg

He has no shame freeloading off a single mother and thinks you should be grateful

[LittleOwl153]

He's using you. You are a convenient bed/restaurant/maid service when he is in the area. Move in with you mum and its no longer convenient for him he'll drop you I bet.

He's saving all this cash whilst taking it directly from you and your child.

How old is your child? Will a move to your mums and then a move to where he is involve 2 mid year school moves for the kid? That is not likely to be as easy as you think. What does the kids dad think - will a move impact their relationship?

If you want to stay with him, sit him down explain to him that you cannot afford to keep up with him. He either needs to take you both on as you are - and accepting that your wage is likely to drop if you have to move twice in a short time (you will also loose your UC and probably child benefit if you co-habit with him too remember) - or

You talk about working more hours when you are already working full time - this is more time away from your child too.

And don't book hotels for his birthday or buy expensive presents. You cannot afford it - he needs to understand this. Not see you complain about money and then carry on spending anyway.

[Lysianthus]

So glad I’m single.
Anyhooo. Back to the point. You need to stop this nonsense now, OP. Tell him how much you earn. Tell him what your outgoings are. If he’s your partner, this should be shared info. Look at his expression once his brain has calculated the loss he’s effectively causing in this equation. And then leave him to it. He’s not interested in you other than for convenience. You know the old MN saying, when he shows you who he is, Believe Him! Good luck.

[mcmooberry]

Agree with very first reply, he is disgusting. No doubt knows exactly what he is doing. These kind of posts are amongst the most depressing and aggravating of any on MN. Please spell out to him that you are ending it because of his tight and freeloading ways.

[Welshiefluff]

You are not financially compatible. Plus he is a twat.

[BrilloPaddy]

What a sad tale of being so desperate to be in a relationship that you'll tolerate any old shit.

[Lorw]

It’s obvious that he’s using you as a place to stay and pay for him when he’s working away for most of the week, he’s freeloading off you and your child and that isn’t right, please OP, there are so many amazing men in this world, he isn’t one of them, being as independent as you sound you could literally take your pick.

You already know that this is all red flags especially the mortgage thing, he’s telling you blatantly he doesn’t see a future with you.

[TrollsAreSaddos]

I feel uncomfortable talking about my money matters

YABU, you might not like talking about money matters but sometimes you have to do things you don’t like, especially when it directly effects your kids. You are basically choosing him over them. Wouldn’t you rather be saving for their future rather than buying food for your boyfriends lunches?
I think it’s really weird how some women are happy to sleep with someone but find it too awkward to talk to them about money.
It sounds like he’s got two Mums.
He sounds thoughtless and a bit grabby.

[timeisnotaline]

He’s just using you! He’s no support whatsoever but you’re convenient as he works there anyway. You can’t afford to be with him, he will dump you in a year or so anyway when he feels you’re not useful anymore - if he gets another job that doesn’t need staying in your area then probably not long after that. Please don’t fund him half of every week until then!!
To start, try: my bills and food have gone up x since you started staying here at least half of every week, ill need you to set up a transfer to keep this up, I can’t afford it.

[Alcemeg]

Pretty sure you'd be wasting your breath if you try explaining your financial inequity. I doubt he is interested, or he'd have shown some consideration by now. Don't even bother accusing him of unfairness, he'll just be baffled/hurt/angry that you just don't grasp what a great guy he is.

Treat it a bit like giving up cigarettes or some other expensive, harmful hobby. Tuck away the money you save each week and treat yourself to some well-deserved self-care. x

[ForensicAccountant]

He’s definitely not a miser. I have met a few and none of them would ever mention that they have money. Rather the opposite. So they don’t get asked to pay for stuff.
I have met successful people with a bob or two. They also do not usually shout about it.
I don’t think your dp fits into either of the above categories.

[Jimjamjong]

If he is staying 4 days per week, shouldn't he contribute to the rent too? Where would he be staying if not with you? In a hotel?

[Mhingmighty]

From your OP, he says he earns what he earns and has this saving and/or etc. Have you ever actually seen any sign that he does?

The reason why I ask is that to me it sounds like he’s saying he has all this stuff, but for all you know he could be living with mummy, unemployed and wanking all day until you get home from work when he can just sponge off you…

Not much difference between this and someone who creates a life that doesn’t exist and then asks you to send money on the promise that you’ll get it (and more) back in the future… get rid!

[Nanny0gg]

@Humbugslife

I have just applied for cms. Not sure how much id get. If i had childcare i could work more hours but i am already full time. I think deep down this money issue may always be a problem for me. I practically funded my ex who earned a lot less maybe its my own fault and im coming across as though i want to treat him or be seen as independent idk. He is very career driven nothing wrong with that but i barely see him as it is. He has just applied for a new job earning an extra 10k a year apparently and insists i should work up the ladder to earn more too. Idk maybe we just look for different things. Im very restricted with the hours and days i can do for childcare. Im not saying i expect him to pay for food or using the water ik that sounds shitty as if i visited him and he started charging me id be like wtf but this is every week he stays 4 days so surely its more than just charging someone for staying the odd time. I feel uncomfortable talking about my money matters. I have enough to mamage for me and my son but not for anybody else and its difficult to save. I do feel like he needs to start helping out a bit more if we are to stay together its just how i breach the subject.

Don't bother.

If he had any care, consideration or feelings he wouldn't need it mentioned he would already be doing more than contributing.

DUMP HIM!!

[CuteGirlsWatchMeEatEther]

I've basically said to him id need to move in with my mum for a bit to save up funds and not uave to pay childcare. This upset him

Boo fucking hoo. He’s sounds like a whiny brat.

You’ve told him about your financial situation and he’s just completely ignored you and still expecting you to pay for everything. You need to leave him.
Think about all the treats and days out you could have bought for your children if you weren’t throwing all your money at this cocklodger.

[scoobydoo1971]

Freeloader with a history of exploiting women...look at his mum for starters! Freeloader with no dignity or respect for others...and you in particular. For some men, single parents are deemed a special target. They are perceived as willing to tolerate more leeching, in view of 'accommodating' a young family at home, and limited time for outside dating. It is easy to turn up, eat dinner for free, enjoy the heating and tv, and get sex. Leave in the morning with no effort. Raise your standards and stop rationalising his behaviour. I am a very financially independent woman, and my boyfriend earns much less than me. When we have dates, he pays for everything and hates me buying anything. I pay to travel to see him. Some men have pride and self-respect, and want to impress you as a potential long term partner. They don't treat you badly as they value your contribution to their life. This man does not value you. You can continue to take this financial abuse, or run for the hills with your purse in hand!

[SallSall]

really look at how he is treating you. his actions are not those of a partner. How is he showing his care and love for you and your children - he isn't. leave him, he is using you, at best he is just thoughtless and clueless, either way not good for you and your kids

[pollyglot]

"He's honestly not a bad guy." That's your only reference to his personality, and there is no comment about whether you actually like him. His actions, however, show that he's a total wanker. Dump him.

[Haffiana]

Op, you are paying for cock. Sorry, but that is how it is.

You need to value yourself much, much more than this.

[MzHz]

This isn’t a sodding partner!

He doesn’t contribute or share any of the load, merely adds to it

Dump his arse.