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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he'll need to sort this?

162 replies

PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 22:21

DH forgot until yesterday that DSD's break up for half term tomorrow and therefore are off school Friday (they stay with us every Wednesday Thursday Friday or Thursday Friday Saturday alternate weeks).

I don't have a school aged child so am not really with it when it comes to specific dates regarding school holidays so didn't realise myself either.

I happen to be off work this Friday because I am going out with two friends and their DC that I haven't seen in a while. Our DC are all pre school aged and we have booked tickets to a children's Halloween event.

My husband hasn't arranged work for Friday and is now complaining that he'll have to take unpaid parental leave and keeps asking me why I can't just take DSDs with me and he's sure they'll enjoy it as well (they are quite a bit older at 8 & 11).

Anyway, I've told him no and have said that we've booked tickets anyway so can't now.

I actually could book more tickets, there are some left on the website. But I was really looking forward to spending some time with some old friends and our DC who are all much younger. The day is quite toddler focused and having two older DCs there who'll likely be bored and wanting to leave would change the dynamic too much.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 20/10/2021 22:23

Not unreasonable. You’re busy, he forgot, he needs to sort something.

Theunamedcat · 20/10/2021 22:25

His kids his time he sorts

BurntO · 20/10/2021 22:30

You’re in a committed relationship with a man who has children. You either accept them into your life or you don’t. The relationship won’t work if you don’t and is a waste of all your time.

That’s not to say you are default childcare for days he works, there is a balance. But for a one off occasion where he is asking for your help and you are already attending a child friendly event you could include them in? You look like a dick to say no.

Make it clear he must organise this shit better as you won’t be a go to for recurring fuck ups and leave it there

I also failed to realise we had an inset day this Friday. Thankfully I am working from home but the school advertised this poorly due to calendar changes thanks to covid - these things happen

Brollywasntneededafterall · 20/10/2021 22:31

Parental leave is for such occasions.. He is the parent.... He takes leave... Surely even a man can see that?

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 20/10/2021 22:31

Contact time is for the parent to see their children or if the parent has work it's obviously their (your DH's) responsibility to arrange childcare.

The only caveat I'd put on this is if you had a pre-existing arrangement with him for him to be the household breadwinner and for you to be the SAHP for all the DC (including the DSDs). But presumably if that was the case you'd have had known about their term dates and made plans accordingly.

black2black · 20/10/2021 22:33

But for a one off occasion where he is asking for your help and you are already attending a child friendly event you could include them in? You look like a dick to say no.

I agree. He made a mistake. You are able to help out so why wouldn’t you?

SpookyPumpkinPants · 20/10/2021 22:33

Well I suppose it depends on a lot of things, such as how will his lost wages & lost good will at work impact your life?
Are the kids well behaved?
Are the tickets cheap enough that it wouldn't matter if they took tablets & quietly did their own thing?
If you want to make it clear you're not a family. (If they were yours & you'd forgotten you'd just find an alternative day out for them or take them with you surely??

..but if you don't want to do it, then don't.

Original poster
PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 22:34

I'm not a SAHP I just happen to have already booked this day off because I'm going out with friends.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 20/10/2021 22:35

You're entitled to be annoyed and not want to do something with your stepkids. But at least be honest with your husband and don't lie about why you're not helping out.

Strangevipers · 20/10/2021 22:38

As a one off then great because he shouldn't use you as default childcare

But

It's for him to see his children not for you to see his children so very annoying

You have plans so why should you

And let's not forget why on earth should your DC have to share their quality time with you with the other children who are too old to go anyway.

timeisnotaline · 20/10/2021 22:39

@SpookyPumpkinPants

Well I suppose it depends on a lot of things, such as how will his lost wages & lost good will at work impact your life? Are the kids well behaved? Are the tickets cheap enough that it wouldn't matter if they took tablets & quietly did their own thing? If you want to make it clear you're not a family. (If they were yours & you'd forgotten you'd just find an alternative day out for them or take them with you surely??

..but if you don't want to do it, then don't.

If they were mine not my husbands then I wouldn’t have forgotten and if I did of course I’d take responsibility! If they were OURS and he’d forgotten, he’d take responsibility, and certainly not expect me to cancel a booked day out. He will be a better parent for having consequences forgetting about his dc.
Rainbowheart1 · 20/10/2021 22:40

Wow your’e so mean!! His your partner, made a one off mistake, you can easily help him out but are choosing not too due to selfishness. Do you even like your partner? I’ve done more for mates that have got into a pickle….hope you never make a mistake a…..or is that ok for him to sit on the sidelines and laugh at you?

HoneyHomey · 20/10/2021 22:41

If they were yours & you'd forgotten you'd just find an alternative day out for them or take them with you surely??

Weird argument... They aren't hers and she didn't forget.

They are his and he forgot. Yeah it happens. And when it does, you need to sort something else out. His wife has plans unfortunately.

Original poster
PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 22:47

I'm not laughing at him from the sidelines Hmm I'm not sat here cackling like some witch at his misfortune. I help a lot actually in normal circumstances. Have booked days off myself to help in a pickle before.

But this is something I've had planned for a while and was looking forward to, which he knew about. It's not exactly cheap either, £20 per person and I know DSDs, there will be lots of "can we go now" and so on. I don't want my day, DCs and my friends/their DCs day too, being affected. They've also booked some time off for this and we rarely get chance to all meet up with the DC.

OP posts:
black2black · 20/10/2021 22:48

@Rainbowheart1

Wow your’e so mean!! His your partner, made a one off mistake, you can easily help him out but are choosing not too due to selfishness. Do you even like your partner? I’ve done more for mates that have got into a pickle….hope you never make a mistake a…..or is that ok for him to sit on the sidelines and laugh at you?
I know. I don’t get it either. Are partners supposed to be a team?
Original poster
PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 22:50

We are a team, I've helped out hundreds of times in the past. Helped his ex as well when he's been unavailable to step in during their time with her before and she's asked.

Does that mean I'm never allowed to say "actually no not this time sorry?"

OP posts:
Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 20/10/2021 22:54

No. This is your day off that you've booked to spend with your child. In some situations I'd agree you could step in to help him out, but annual leave is precious and you have longstanding plans. You're not being an arse for the sake of it.

3scape · 20/10/2021 22:54

Absolutely fine. You've got plans you are busy. Expecting you to change your plans suggests he places a low priority on your social time and support network. Not to mention a low priority for time with his kids.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/10/2021 22:56

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable. It’s mind boggling that anyone thinks your are.

It’s on him to remember, they’re his kids!

You’ve booked a day off specifically for other plans, which your dsd just don’t fit in with.

Would his work give him annual leave at such short notice? If not, parental leave, unpaid leave whatever so available to him.

Bobsyer · 20/10/2021 22:56

God I hated this when mine were young. I always felt that I couldn’t do anything toddler-focused because older step child would find it boring. So they either missed out or I had to arrange to do it at a very specific time, when I knew step son would not be at ours. Then I felt bad for leaving him out.

I say it’s a no for this time. He takes parental leave so you can do your toddler thing and he can do something with just his girls.

timeisnotaline · 20/10/2021 22:57

@Rainbowheart1

Wow your’e so mean!! His your partner, made a one off mistake, you can easily help him out but are choosing not too due to selfishness. Do you even like your partner? I’ve done more for mates that have got into a pickle….hope you never make a mistake a…..or is that ok for him to sit on the sidelines and laugh at you?
So you would happily change the entire nature of your day out with mates and have your mates have to work their booked day out with young dc around keeping older kids happy, which makes a big difference? Not sure you do more for your mates tbh, they don’t seem very important to you. Many parents do this kind of day out quite rarely and wouldn’t choose to book it if they had to juggle older dc, it just makes it so much harder.
621CustardCream438 · 20/10/2021 22:58

Can he not just ask someone else? Like he’d have to any other day if you were at work and not coincidentally off.

rookiemere · 20/10/2021 22:58

YANBU it doesn't sound like DSDs would enjoy the event and would scuff about spoiling chat between you and your friends. He needs to be on top of his DDs school term dates and if you give in now, you'll be lumbered with it forever.

Original poster
PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 23:03

@621CustardCream438

Can he not just ask someone else? Like he’d have to any other day if you were at work and not coincidentally off.
Unfortunately not, his Mum lives a while away and he and his sister who lives close to us don't really have that sort of relationship, they aren't close.
OP posts:
Morechocolatethanbarbara · 20/10/2021 23:08

Part of being a good parent is organising school holidays and childcare cover, inset days, mufti days etc.

If he doesn't learn to do this you'll be scrabbling round sorting his messes out for years to come.

Time for him to pull his big boy pants on and say "I fucked up, it's on me to resolve it." Rather than expecting you to swoop in and sort it out.

It'll mean he knows he has to prepare next time.