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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he'll need to sort this?

162 replies

PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 22:21

DH forgot until yesterday that DSD's break up for half term tomorrow and therefore are off school Friday (they stay with us every Wednesday Thursday Friday or Thursday Friday Saturday alternate weeks).

I don't have a school aged child so am not really with it when it comes to specific dates regarding school holidays so didn't realise myself either.

I happen to be off work this Friday because I am going out with two friends and their DC that I haven't seen in a while. Our DC are all pre school aged and we have booked tickets to a children's Halloween event.

My husband hasn't arranged work for Friday and is now complaining that he'll have to take unpaid parental leave and keeps asking me why I can't just take DSDs with me and he's sure they'll enjoy it as well (they are quite a bit older at 8 & 11).

Anyway, I've told him no and have said that we've booked tickets anyway so can't now.

I actually could book more tickets, there are some left on the website. But I was really looking forward to spending some time with some old friends and our DC who are all much younger. The day is quite toddler focused and having two older DCs there who'll likely be bored and wanting to leave would change the dynamic too much.

OP posts:
HelloBambinos · 21/10/2021 13:18

I don't know why you would lie about there being no tickets. What's the point? You've made up your mind that in this particular situation it's a case of 'his kids his problem' that's fine if thats how you feel in this situation but just tell him that and don't lie to make excuses. It's a bit pointless.

sillysmiles · 21/10/2021 13:33

@HelloBambinos

I don't know why you would lie about there being no tickets. What's the point? You've made up your mind that in this particular situation it's a case of 'his kids his problem' that's fine if thats how you feel in this situation but just tell him that and don't lie to make excuses. It's a bit pointless.
I'm guessing because if he thought there was tickets he wouldn't accept that his kids can't go. Easiest to shut down that option and not have someone try grind you down and make you feel unreasonable for not sorting out his mess.
timeisnotaline · 21/10/2021 13:34

@dammit88

Assuming your OH is generally a good sort, I think YABU because as others have said, if you have a blended family you do become a parent to the step children too. Whilst its annoying for you, you are able to help out here. The children aren't so old they couldn't take some enjoyment from it. If its aimed at toddlers it can only be for a couple of hours?
I just don’t understand this. The op has said he can take leave. So why would she do it? She would have said if he would be fired for taking a day of unpaid leave, she would have said if they’d lose the house if he lost a days pay, so why shouldn’t he just take leave??
Granllanog · 21/10/2021 13:37

@black2black

But for a one off occasion where he is asking for your help and you are already attending a child friendly event you could include them in? You look like a dick to say no.

I agree. He made a mistake. You are able to help out so why wouldn’t you?

this
aSofaNearYou · 21/10/2021 13:42

I agree. He made a mistake. You are able to help out so why wouldn’t you?

Because it doesn't work with her plans and he is able to take leave. Would you say this to a grandparent who was being asked to alter their plans for childcare?

Original poster
PorkNPickle · 21/10/2021 13:44

@HelloBambinos

I don't know why you would lie about there being no tickets. What's the point? You've made up your mind that in this particular situation it's a case of 'his kids his problem' that's fine if thats how you feel in this situation but just tell him that and don't lie to make excuses. It's a bit pointless.
Well exactly what sillysmiles said, to shut down any follow up of 'oh but they'd be fine, they'll enjoy it, I'll tell them to behave' etc etc..
OP posts:
Original poster
PorkNPickle · 21/10/2021 13:46

so why wouldn’t you?

For exactly the reasons I've stated. It doesn't fit in with the plans I've made with other people.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 21/10/2021 13:47

OP could sort it out, but to do so would mean disappointing her friends ( who wants a good catch up with sulky preteens hanging around) and her DCs who would perhaps have to leave earlier than they'd want to, if DSDs were complaining too much.

The DF needs to put the school holidays up on the wall, and agree in advance with his ex who is doing what. Not make OP pick up his pieces.

oopsinamechangedagain2021 · 21/10/2021 13:53

YANBU!

Say no and hopefully he'll be more organised and read the communications from school properly in the future.

girlmom21 · 21/10/2021 13:59

You're not being unreasonable on the basis that it's not a one off and it's not impossible for him to take the day off - he just doesn't particularly want to.

If you've helped out his ex in the past can't she help out?

Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2021 14:04

The only thing that is odd about this scenario is that a couple of weeks ago you didn't have a conversation as a couple about half term.

And in that conversation work out and agree what happens with the children.

aSofaNearYou · 21/10/2021 14:10

@Dishwashersaurous

The only thing that is odd about this scenario is that a couple of weeks ago you didn't have a conversation as a couple about half term.

And in that conversation work out and agree what happens with the children.

That's not weird at all, OP does not have school aged children so has no reason to instigate discussion about half term.
HelloBambinos · 21/10/2021 14:11

@sillysmiles @porkNPickle

Yes I understand its easier but what I'm saying is if you just own your reason it may cause more irritation now but it will make this sort of situation not happen again. For Example, if he thinks the only reason you're not doing it is due to lack of tickets he may be inclined to pull this sort of behaviour again and when you don't have an excuse it's just more arguments. Just advising to just let him know where you stand honestly this time to avoid more of these situations. If he doesn't know the true reason don't be annoyed when he does the same again and you're left frustrated and coming up with more unnecessary 'excuses' to not help rather than just making it clear now that on certain situations like this when you've taken a day off to spend with your friends you will not be available as back up for his kids. That's not saying you don't help other times but make your boundaries clear to avoid further conflict which is what you want otherwise you wouldn't be lying to achieve the same but just on a short term basis . Just think it may benefit you in the long run.

Triffid1 · 21/10/2021 14:12

I thought you were being a bit mean on this once off occasion (especially if this is this ridiculous Queen's jubilee day off that the schools are all giving in October this year, with little notice and very little time to incorporate it into holiday planning) but then you said you have had to step up 100s of times.... in which case this isn't a once off is it? It's him consistently expecting you to pick up his slack? In which case, no, YANBU.

BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2021 14:12

OP has already said she doesn't have school age kids so half term isn't on her radar. It should be on their dad's though because he does have school age kids. This isn't a joint fuck up, so it doesn't require a joint solution

Duchess379 · 21/10/2021 14:17

I'm with you OP. You've booked the day off, you've organised a date with others & your hubby is annoyed at his lack of organisation. Would your friends be impressed if you turned up on your organised date with 2 older step children? Because I wouldn't. DSD want to see their dad, not step parent..

sillysmiles · 21/10/2021 14:18

@hellobambinos i totally get what you mean but my reading of the OP is that she normally works full time so the confluence of her being off when the Stepkids need minding is unlike.

Not changing her plans is already teaching him she is not the solution to his parenting problems

Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2021 14:28

Normally you would be at work. It's pure coincidence that you booked the day off.

What is going to happen for the rest of half term and what do they normally do?

Notaroadrunner · 21/10/2021 14:29

@BurntO

You’re in a committed relationship with a man who has children. You either accept them into your life or you don’t. The relationship won’t work if you don’t and is a waste of all your time.

That’s not to say you are default childcare for days he works, there is a balance. But for a one off occasion where he is asking for your help and you are already attending a child friendly event you could include them in? You look like a dick to say no.

Make it clear he must organise this shit better as you won’t be a go to for recurring fuck ups and leave it there

I also failed to realise we had an inset day this Friday. Thankfully I am working from home but the school advertised this poorly due to calendar changes thanks to covid - these things happen

All very well to say to op to help but the next time he fucks up he'll expect her to help again, and again. So she needs to say no and mean it as otherwise he'll never learn to make sure he's on top of his kids schedule.
HelloBambinos · 21/10/2021 14:30

@sillysmiles yeh I understand I just know what some people are like and whether she's off that day or has booked it off he may see her as a back up as she said she's had to step up 100 times. Just thought rather than leaving in the lie if she was 100 percent upfront he might not keep taking her for granted and misread her position so to speak as it sounds like she's always doing things to help him last minute and it could end up building resentment. However I get some people would rather just not have to deal with those awkward conversations especially with a delicate topic such as step kids as its a very emotive topic I can imagine.

Original poster
PorkNPickle · 21/10/2021 14:31

@Dishwashersaurous

The only thing that is odd about this scenario is that a couple of weeks ago you didn't have a conversation as a couple about half term.

And in that conversation work out and agree what happens with the children.

I've never discussed term times with DH unless he / ex have needed a hand on a particular day. Why would I? I don't mind, if I am able, being a supportive backup sometimes, but I wouldn't have thought I'd need to discuss school holidays with DH in advance to decide how we are going to sort the children. DH and ex sort the children most of the time with a hand from myself if needed.
OP posts:
Original poster
PorkNPickle · 21/10/2021 14:33

@Dishwashersaurous

Normally you would be at work. It's pure coincidence that you booked the day off.

What is going to happen for the rest of half term and what do they normally do?

He's booked the rest of the days they are supposed to be with us over half term off, he just didn't remember this Friday was an inset day.
OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2021 14:37

So it really is just pure cock up. And to be fair most schools only introduced this inset mid way through the term.

Maybe they have friends they could go to for the day. But he needs to sort it

ConkerBonkers · 21/10/2021 14:37

I think you are very reasonable not to book tickets for them. They would change the dynamic and probably would want to be doing something different anyway. I would get your oh to look at a holiday club they could go to

Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2021 14:38

And I didn't mean in terms of you both sorting children but rather what would be happening over half term and how it would work.