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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he'll need to sort this?

162 replies

PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 22:21

DH forgot until yesterday that DSD's break up for half term tomorrow and therefore are off school Friday (they stay with us every Wednesday Thursday Friday or Thursday Friday Saturday alternate weeks).

I don't have a school aged child so am not really with it when it comes to specific dates regarding school holidays so didn't realise myself either.

I happen to be off work this Friday because I am going out with two friends and their DC that I haven't seen in a while. Our DC are all pre school aged and we have booked tickets to a children's Halloween event.

My husband hasn't arranged work for Friday and is now complaining that he'll have to take unpaid parental leave and keeps asking me why I can't just take DSDs with me and he's sure they'll enjoy it as well (they are quite a bit older at 8 & 11).

Anyway, I've told him no and have said that we've booked tickets anyway so can't now.

I actually could book more tickets, there are some left on the website. But I was really looking forward to spending some time with some old friends and our DC who are all much younger. The day is quite toddler focused and having two older DCs there who'll likely be bored and wanting to leave would change the dynamic too much.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 21/10/2021 10:23

But for a one off occasion where he is asking for your help and you are already attending a child friendly event you could include them in? You look like a dick to say no. *

I agree. He made a mistake. You are able to help out so why wouldn’t you?

I agree with this ^. I think it looks really petty of you not to take his kids too. They're primary age, not teenagers. You marry a man/woman with kids, you take on the kids too

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2021 10:37

@VladmirsPoutine

I think YABU because this is part and parcel of a blended family. People who marry and have kids with men/women with existing children are really in for a huge shock - you don't just compartmentalise the existing kids. It's a whole package. Of course he should have got himself sorted in time but alas he hasn't. What is family for if not support, being there for eachother even when it inconveniences us etc etc. Just a sad situation all round.
Bloody hell.

“Alas” Hmm

Indeed. Alas a man couldn’t be arsed to check the dates, which are publicly available. Maybe his penis got in the way.

Alas his kids don’t have a parent available to care for them unless he takes the day off.

It’s very sad.

SeasonFinale · 21/10/2021 10:52

[quote black2black]@BigMamaFratelli yes but what if it was their joint kids and he always had them the inset day but forgot to take the day off. Would you still think she shouldn’t take her own kids with the toddlers? Or still it was his problem? I’d think the stepkids should be treated the same as the other kids.[/quote]
If it was my joint kids and I had forgotten and arranged a toddler trip with friends I would be having a conversation with their friends' parents to see whether they could have a playdate with them and offer the same for a future inset day. Perhaps her DH should be investigating that as an option.

Original poster
PorkNPickle · 21/10/2021 10:58

What is family for if not support, being there for eachother even when it inconveniences us

Genuine question, why is it only me that should be inconvenienced? It's inconvenient, not impossible, for him to take the day off.

They're primary age, not teenagers

Eldest DSD is 12 in December
She is in secondary school not primary.

OP posts:
Angrynellie · 21/10/2021 11:05

Firstly I completely agree this shouldn’t be your issue to sort but to avoid you looking petty, can the 12 year old not stay in on their own, my 12 year old would like nothing better than this?
Then DH sets up a play date for the 8 year old ?

Aderyn21 · 21/10/2021 11:06

Yanbu - you hooked a day off for a specific reason. It's not on you to change your plans (and your friends' plans) because he forgot his kids' school holidays. If you've bailed him out before, then he clearly hasn't learnt.

PerseverancePays · 21/10/2021 11:10

Enjoy your day out !
I hope it all gets sorted and he puts dates in his calendar properly and doesn’t have to ring round at the last minute to sort out his older kids. He’s making a mountain out of a molehill.

NowEvenBetter · 21/10/2021 11:18

It’s up to their parent to sort basic things like this, not try to palm off the issue so he isn’t inconvenienced. He’s made, what? Three? Four people so far? Needs to be more responsible, immediately.

1FootInTheRave · 21/10/2021 11:19

I wouldn't have taken my own older kids to the day out you've described.

It's unfair on the other parents.

Hemingwayscats · 21/10/2021 11:20

YANBU at all. His responsibility to know when his DC break up from school.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/10/2021 11:28

Gosh it would be so rude to rock up with extra kids to something you'd planned as a group. you'd be spoiling the money the other people had spent to spend time together

LuaDipa · 21/10/2021 11:29

I not often on the side of step parents in these type of situations, but yanbu.

You have made plans and can’t take them. It’s irrelevant what the plans are, you have taken a day off to spend with friends and your dc. He needs to sort his own kids or learn to plan better. He can’t expect you to drop/change what you are doing at the last minute.

LuaDipa · 21/10/2021 11:30

*I’m not often

Marelle · 21/10/2021 11:30

His kids, his problem.

LuaDipa · 21/10/2021 11:30

Plus if the 12 year old is anything like mine they would hate it.

aSofaNearYou · 21/10/2021 11:50

YANBU. As soon as the person you're asking for childcare intimates they don't want to do it you should back right off. Unless you wanted to have them, he needs to sort it.

sillysmiles · 21/10/2021 11:58

But it isn't just about @PorkNPickle. Adding children of this age to the age out also affects her friends and their children - when they have all booked time off to do this activity together.

The Op doesn't want to.
The step children wont enjoy it.

But it's still her problem to fix, how?

In this instance she is not a solution to his problem because she wont be there, she already has plans.
He is just going to have to parent himself. (crazy thought)

As for the losing goodwill at work - if more men had to take parental leave and were forced to leave work for child care reasons women might not be seen as the default childcare and prejudiced against in the workplace for it.
Men taking leave to mind their own children should not be a novelty.

dammit88 · 21/10/2021 12:16

Assuming your OH is generally a good sort, I think YABU because as others have said, if you have a blended family you do become a parent to the step children too. Whilst its annoying for you, you are able to help out here. The children aren't so old they couldn't take some enjoyment from it. If its aimed at toddlers it can only be for a couple of hours?

aSofaNearYou · 21/10/2021 12:28

if you have a blended family you do become a parent to the step children too.

No, you really, really don't.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 21/10/2021 12:36

if you have a blended family you do become a parent to the step children too

Yeah but only when the step parent is needed for things like childcare. Otherwise she or he needs to know their place and shut the fuck up, from what I gather.

Thehop · 21/10/2021 12:37

YANBU at all.

Dads can use calendars and organise bloody time off just as much as mums. You booked leave for a toddler event. You can’t take pre teens it’ll spoil it for everyone…..not least you, who steps in plenty at other times and has organised a nice day out.

Nope, let him take a day off it’ll make him pay more attention to HIS diary and HIS commitments in future.

funinthesun19 · 21/10/2021 12:38

Once again the bar is set low for the dad, and the stepmum is held to higher standards.

The op made plans that weren’t made with dsc in mind, and that should still stand. The dad should take parental leave like other parents have to do sometimes.
And then he needs to go and buy a calendar or something.

FreeBritnee · 21/10/2021 12:39

Could he book something for them to go to?

I don’t think you are unreasonable to continue with your plans. There must be some other relatives that could step in.

FreeBritnee · 21/10/2021 12:39

@JesusIsAnyNameFree

if you have a blended family you do become a parent to the step children too

Yeah but only when the step parent is needed for things like childcare. Otherwise she or he needs to know their place and shut the fuck up, from what I gather.

^ truth
WheekestLink · 21/10/2021 12:55

No of course YANBU.

He has dropped the ball, you already have plans.

People saying you signed up for this when you got with someone with children, no, that is not at all what you have signed up for. Absolutely ridiculous!

The children have a mother and a father. If they were still together they would have had to figure this out between them. They are not together, that does not mean that they have a built in emergency nanny in you.

It makes me so mad when people assume you should just be there for childcare, you probably can't tell...