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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he'll need to sort this?

162 replies

PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 22:21

DH forgot until yesterday that DSD's break up for half term tomorrow and therefore are off school Friday (they stay with us every Wednesday Thursday Friday or Thursday Friday Saturday alternate weeks).

I don't have a school aged child so am not really with it when it comes to specific dates regarding school holidays so didn't realise myself either.

I happen to be off work this Friday because I am going out with two friends and their DC that I haven't seen in a while. Our DC are all pre school aged and we have booked tickets to a children's Halloween event.

My husband hasn't arranged work for Friday and is now complaining that he'll have to take unpaid parental leave and keeps asking me why I can't just take DSDs with me and he's sure they'll enjoy it as well (they are quite a bit older at 8 & 11).

Anyway, I've told him no and have said that we've booked tickets anyway so can't now.

I actually could book more tickets, there are some left on the website. But I was really looking forward to spending some time with some old friends and our DC who are all much younger. The day is quite toddler focused and having two older DCs there who'll likely be bored and wanting to leave would change the dynamic too much.

OP posts:
Gimlisaxe · 20/10/2021 23:12

I dont think you are being unreasonable, and if it had been my child I had forgotten about, I would probably have to cancel the day out with my toddler, as it just wouldn't be fun for them or me,

Szyz2020 · 20/10/2021 23:15

Been there done that - with the older DSCs changing the dynamic with younger DC outings and events and thereby spoiling it (not intentionally, just how it goes). You’re completely within your rights to say no.

bloodywhitecat · 20/10/2021 23:19

You have already made plans and taking them along would change the dynamic which would not only affect you but the rest of the party too so he needs to sort it.

CuckooCall · 20/10/2021 23:32

If you were at home for the day and had nothing much planned then I'd say you were mean to not take care of them for the day. However, you have made plans, plans specific for a toddler. You shouldn't have to disrupt your day so that he doesn't have to disrupt his.

TackyJewellery · 20/10/2021 23:38

What would he have done if you were at work and hadn’t taken the day off?

He should do that.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/10/2021 23:40

He 'forgot' about half term?

His problem to sort out.

Enjoy your day out with your friends.

DysmalRadius · 20/10/2021 23:46

What are the consequences for him if he has to take parental leave? And has he made any other attempt to sort it? Play date with friends or similar? Because if his only solution is impinging on your day or moaning about having to look after his kids himself, then he's just trying to inconvenience you in order to avoid inconveniencing himself which is pretty shit.

Tailendofsummer · 20/10/2021 23:52

I would bring the 8 year old (still young enough for pumpkin picking or whatever!) and leave the 11 year old at home on their own. That's if I was feeling charitable towards by OH, which I probably wouldn't be.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2021 23:52

YANBU.

But at least you know what to get him for Christmas PorkNPickle. A wall calendar, so he doesn't forget dates again.

user1471604848 · 21/10/2021 00:04

It's just a coincidence that you happen to be off work that day. If you were not off work, what would he do?

Definitely not fair on your kids, and your friends, to bring along two older kids who don't want to be there.

As pp have said, he "forgot", so he needs to feel the consequences, so he doesn't forget next time.

Wildmum54 · 21/10/2021 00:14

YANBU
He should of been on the ball with half term. It’s not your fault that you have pre-arranged plans that don’t 100% work for older children and that’s not your fault. DH saying ‘I’m sure they’ll enjoy it too’ is just bull crap because if he thought they’d like to go he’d if suggested them going with you BEFORE you booked it.

To anyone who says that it mean and your ‘leaving out’ the DSD’s have you stopped to think that they might not WANT to go to this Halloween thing, targeted towards younger children surrounded by toddlers and their mums and they might be sad and disappointed they’re not getting to spend the day with their dad?
I know if my DSS had been expecting to spend the day with his dad and then I dragged him out with me and his baby sibling and my friends he’d be so upset!

Regardless of it being step children because that is hardly the point - if you’ve pre made plans regardless and your partner expects you to change them because of a mistake THEY made, it’s not fair and he should be the one to take the time off.

Catflapkitkat · 21/10/2021 03:34

Let him take the day off and spend some some with his children. Once he's had a moan it'll be a win win.

Enjoy your day out OP

Graphista · 21/10/2021 04:42

Tell him

"Your failure to plan does not constitute an emergency on my part"

YANBU and I think I may be one a few "1st wives" to say so.

Blended families are tricky and yes non resident children should be made to feel welcome BUT ultimately they are HIS kids and it's HIS contact time and HE fucked up!

I suspect this is far from the 1st time op has bailed him out - anyone would reach a point where they've had enough!

School term dates are VERY easy to check and record and set reminders for these days, far easier than when mine was that age! He has no excuses for having "forgotten" if he were a single resident parent he wouldn't have the option to pass the buck so he shouldn't here either

From the perspective of ops friends in this scenario I would not be happy if she showed up with grumpy and disinterested step children and totally changed/ruined the day that was planned

I have a feeling that him having to actually be inconvenienced by his own mistake will mean he's less likely to pull this crap in future

Fetarabbit · 21/10/2021 04:54

Maybe he'll remember to check term dates in the future!

PurpleOkapi · 21/10/2021 05:37

YANBU. You're already made plans for an activity that isn't suitable for older children. If you hadn't, and had been planning to work that day, you'd have been 100% reasonable in refusing to take the day off to watch his children because he couldn't keep track of their schedule.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/10/2021 05:40

How many mums on this thread have ever forgotten when half term is???

Useless sod can sort out his own childcare like the rest of us have to do. Jeez.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/10/2021 05:40

So what would happen if he had something nice planned for himself that he was looking forward to and he suddenly had to look after the DC at short notice?
It sounds like you help him out loads.

I’d say no. Happy to help in an emergency but I’d not be willing to give up my plans when he could have sorted this several months in advance.

Lysianthus · 21/10/2021 05:49

I also think that men sometimes ignore the importance of building relationships with other school parents, because as a single mum (years ago] working full time, we always took it in turns to have play dates arranged for inset days etc. You say his support is his mum and sister who are too far away, but that wasn’t my idea of support back then. Networking is important.
But in this case enjoy your day out, and yanbu.

tcjotm · 21/10/2021 06:31

He should start calling their friends’ parents to see if any of them can have them. Promising to take their kids another time. Him, not you.

You booked a day off for a reason. It wouldn’t be fair to your friends to change the plans because he can’t read a calendar.

MattHancocksSexTape · 21/10/2021 06:57

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Parental leave is for such occasions.. He is the parent.... He takes leave... Surely even a man can see that?
Parental leave needs 21 days notice and is for blocks of a week or more (in most circumstances).

So how exactly is parental leave for such occasions?

TheChip · 21/10/2021 07:05

Yanbu - it was all already planned. To add to that, it's toddler focused and so they'd probably prefer not to go anyway.

Original poster
PorkNPickle · 21/10/2021 07:08

From the perspective of ops friends in this scenario I would not be happy if she showed up with grumpy and disinterested step children and totally changed/ruined the day that was planned

Yes I agree, there's no way we'd all be able to speak as freely as we could if it was just us and much younger DC. It would change the whole day.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 21/10/2021 07:16

To be fair re the half term thing, this is an extra inset day that aren't always well advertised. My DS has 2 today and tomorrow which I only knew about a couple of weeks ago.. And I'm a teacher! I agree with others though that as you have specifically booked a toddler themed day, he's going to have to swallow this one and do it himself.

southcarolina · 21/10/2021 07:20

I don't think you are being unreasonable in this circumstance as this is a friend event who would also be affected.
Assuming you don't always say no about things.

In future I would involve yourself in knowing the step children's holidays and support your DP in ensuring appropriate plans are in place. Surely that benefits everyone?

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 21/10/2021 07:35

Oh my gosh, YANBU in the slightest!

Is their mum able to help out for an extra day?

You've mentioned that you've helped both your DP and his exP in previous situations, surely this time (when it's not even your error!) they should do the same? It's not fair for your friends or your joint DC to have this one day changed by bringing much older children (who probably wouldn't enjoy it anyway!).

Has your DP suggested a resolution that impacts him rather than you? Is there a last minute holiday club / childminder etc that could be arranged? This should be your DPs mental load to figure out IMO.

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