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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say he'll need to sort this?

162 replies

PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 22:21

DH forgot until yesterday that DSD's break up for half term tomorrow and therefore are off school Friday (they stay with us every Wednesday Thursday Friday or Thursday Friday Saturday alternate weeks).

I don't have a school aged child so am not really with it when it comes to specific dates regarding school holidays so didn't realise myself either.

I happen to be off work this Friday because I am going out with two friends and their DC that I haven't seen in a while. Our DC are all pre school aged and we have booked tickets to a children's Halloween event.

My husband hasn't arranged work for Friday and is now complaining that he'll have to take unpaid parental leave and keeps asking me why I can't just take DSDs with me and he's sure they'll enjoy it as well (they are quite a bit older at 8 & 11).

Anyway, I've told him no and have said that we've booked tickets anyway so can't now.

I actually could book more tickets, there are some left on the website. But I was really looking forward to spending some time with some old friends and our DC who are all much younger. The day is quite toddler focused and having two older DCs there who'll likely be bored and wanting to leave would change the dynamic too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
PorkNPickle · 21/10/2021 14:38

When I say I've helped hundreds of times, it's not that the last minuteness of this is common but it hasn't been uncommon in the past for DH to say "me and ex are struggling with X or Y, is there any chance you could help?" I.e. occasional school runs or days in the longer holidays like the summer, having them when DH was working overtime on a Saturday and ex had to go and do something last minute, running to and from hobby if someone's stuck at work or ill etc... Things like that. I'm not one to say no just for the sake of it, I have helped with multiple things in the past.

OP posts:
TravelLost · 21/10/2021 14:39

@Rainbowheart1

Wow your’e so mean!! His your partner, made a one off mistake, you can easily help him out but are choosing not too due to selfishness. Do you even like your partner? I’ve done more for mates that have got into a pickle….hope you never make a mistake a…..or is that ok for him to sit on the sidelines and laugh at you?
Dies being a team means it’s ok for a father to forget his own dcs and their hols? And then instead if actually taking responsibility for his lack of organisation to dump the issue into his partner?
Original poster
PorkNPickle · 21/10/2021 14:40

@Dishwashersaurous

And I didn't mean in terms of you both sorting children but rather what would be happening over half term and how it would work.
Well again, I'm not sure why this would need to be some big discussion between me and H. Unless he tells me otherwise, I assume he and ex have sorted and discussed holidays. Obviously he'll mention in passing to me that he's booked X and Y off work, but no we don't sit down and look at the term dates and discuss what will work and how. I've never really felt it my business.
OP posts:
TravelLost · 21/10/2021 14:42

@Dishwashersaurous

The only thing that is odd about this scenario is that a couple of weeks ago you didn't have a conversation as a couple about half term.

And in that conversation work out and agree what happens with the children.

Do you mean it’s strange the OP hasn’t mentioned it and sort things out with her DH on the organisation front? Or for her DH to have a chat with the OP about the school hols, Incl inset days?

FWIW I’ve always been rubbish at remembering inset days. So we have a calendar on the wall in the kitchen and they are all religiously written down for the whole year.

Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2021 14:43

OK. Just curious about how you plan holidays together etc eg if he's covering school holidays with leave but you're not taking time off.

But clearly it works for you

FinallyHere · 21/10/2021 14:50

He made a mistake. You are able to help out so why wouldn’t you?

Well, you could help but, as you have explained, it would not be convenient for you. The outing you have planned is toddler focused, you would likely have two bored older children on your hands snd may even have to cut and run to do something more suitable for them.

That's why it's reasonable in this situation for their parent, who they are to have contact with, to be the one to cover.

It's also important as a SM to be the one to do fun things with DSC, rather than do the heavy lifting of parenting. That would require you to cancel your existing booking snd do something g different.

That's why it's reasonable for him ... to cover his mistake with his children who have come for contact with him.

It's also why parental leave was invented.

GinIronic · 21/10/2021 14:54

If he was living on his own he would have to manage and take the day off. The OP shouldn’t have to fill the gaps because he fucked up.

Youseethethingis · 21/10/2021 15:05

Oh my goodness how is this even a discussion?
Two adults, neither wants to change their plans to look after the kids, only one has any obligation to the kids - which adult should look after the kids?
It's not exactly the riddle of the sphinx is it?

Original poster
PorkNPickle · 21/10/2021 17:17

Well, you could help but, as you have explained, it would not be convenient for you. The outing you have planned is toddler focused, you would likely have two bored older children on your hands snd may even have to cut and run to do something more suitable for them.

Yes it's this exactly.

OP posts:
southcarolina · 21/10/2021 17:38

All sounds slightly odd to me the way that you and your DP don't discuss plans. Is there no discussion or planning of how his annual leave is used? Does it not bother you not being involved in that planning? What about saving leave for holidays etc? How will that work when your smaller DC needs fitting into school schedules etc?

Graphista · 21/10/2021 19:03

There seem to be inset days at one end or the other and sometimes both of most school holidays now he should really know this surely ?

Part of parenting is admin and organisation of this type given their ages he should really have a grip on it by now. Is this perhaps part of why he and ex split he left all this kinda stuff to her? Does he normally expect you to be on top of such things?

mumda · 21/10/2021 22:26

Half term was always a mystery to me. Whilst at school and as a parent.

However. You're his wife and you could take your step children with you on a day out.
You don't have to. But perhaps you should. They are part of your family. A family you have chosen to be part of and they have no say in.

Youseethethingis · 21/10/2021 23:28

However. You're his wife and you could take your step children with you on a day out
He's their father and he can take time off to look after them and maybe even take them on a day out that is actually suitable for them.
You don't have to. But perhaps you should.
He has to take time off, they are his responsibility.
They are part of your family.
Irrelevant. I have lots of family members, only one of whom is my child and my responsibility. A family you have chosen to be part of and they have no say in
Apparently OP gets no say either as all the times she has helped him count for nothing because on one occasion she already had prior commitment.

I'm so glad my DH asks for help when he needs it but 100% knows he has to sort it if I can't help because his child is ultimately his responsibility. He knew what he was getting into and it wasn't a marriage to a member of staff he can just boss about and to hell with her life.

timeisnotaline · 22/10/2021 00:46

@Youseethethingis

Oh my goodness how is this even a discussion? Two adults, neither wants to change their plans to look after the kids, only one has any obligation to the kids - which adult should look after the kids? It's not exactly the riddle of the sphinx is it?
Not only this- one has some special plans prebooked with others and looked forward to, and has planned leave to allow for this.
WhereIsMumHiding3 · 22/10/2021 07:24

Yanbu

You have plans with friends and family of your younger DCs - not suitable for older DSCs

You usually help out but can't as you have paid to go to an event in these plans

He dropped the ball with inset days
You're not making him take parental leave, you're not making him do anything, he simply has responsibility as he has his DCs to look after and didn't make any alternative plans for their inset day off.

It's his contact day - with 3 nights a week, almost 50:50 / he y be checking - he has access to school website and letters.

You're not his PA nor default nanny, you've your own DCs to be a school/nursery PA for.

It's not wife work , you have enough of that already- don't buy into it. Let him get in with it as you'll be out.

FreedomFaith · 22/10/2021 07:59

I'm usually one for thinking that if you join together with another family that has kids, you have to accept those kids as your family and treat them as such, help out with them etc like you would for your kids.

However, he is often disorganised, doesn't remember stuff for his own kids and relies far too heavily on you fixing his and his exs mistakes. He has the ability to take a day off, you have plans, so he takes the day off. Simple as that.

ZenNudist · 22/10/2021 08:08

You don't say what the event is. If there is nothing there for older dc then I'd say it would be more reasonable to leave them out but my dc are the same age as your SDC and would happily go along and play with the littlies, eat toffee apples, pick a pumpkin, collect numbered ghosts or do some craft. Especially the 8yo.

If he's always expecting you to be default carer then again you have a point.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 22/10/2021 12:27

@Triffid1

I thought you were being a bit mean on this once off occasion (especially if this is this ridiculous Queen's jubilee day off that the schools are all giving in October this year, with little notice and very little time to incorporate it into holiday planning) but then you said you have had to step up 100s of times.... in which case this isn't a once off is it? It's him consistently expecting you to pick up his slack? In which case, no, YANBU.
What jubilee holiday do you mean?? We've just been told about the intended bank holiday for next year - it's not this October!

The 2022 break will run from Thursday 2 June until Sunday 5 June, with the late May bank holiday moving to 2 June to allow the extended break.

Triffid1 · 22/10/2021 12:55

@whitehorsesdonotlie where we are, loads of schools announced in about mid september that they've been told they can give an extra inset day for the Queen's jubilee at any point between now and then. So they have decided to give it to us this October. It has caused RAGE around here because of course, while an extra day can be quite convenient, no one had planned for it, childcare options are scarce etc etc.

I had a massage yesterday and my therapist and I had to stop discussing it because we were winding ourselves up with our irritation! Grin

whitehorsesdonotlie · 22/10/2021 13:00

@Triffid1 - how weird! None of the schools round here are doing that. We're having 2 and 3 June off next year. Good luck with finding childcare...

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 22/10/2021 13:01

Of course you can help but there is another solution which is him taking parental leave. It's ridiculous to suggest that the solution which puts OP out (and it clearly does) is better than the solution which puts the DH out.

Triffid1 · 22/10/2021 13:04

[quote whitehorsesdonotlie]@Triffid1 - how weird! None of the schools round here are doing that. We're having 2 and 3 June off next year. Good luck with finding childcare...[/quote]
Ours is today. DD is downstairs with her buddy as we speak, entertaining themselves (although I did have to oversee lunch in an annoyingly focused way as her friend is underweight, eats like a bird and is very fussy) and DS is, needless to say, in the middle of a Play Station marathon. But what can you do - DH isn't here and I have a pile of work to do. [shrug]

Triffid1 · 22/10/2021 13:05

Oh, and to be clear, I'm having a post lunch cup of tea and MN!

Squiblet · 22/10/2021 13:12

@ZenNudist

You don't say what the event is. If there is nothing there for older dc then I'd say it would be more reasonable to leave them out but my dc are the same age as your SDC and would happily go along and play with the littlies, eat toffee apples, pick a pumpkin, collect numbered ghosts or do some craft. Especially the 8yo.

If he's always expecting you to be default carer then again you have a point.

Well, horses for courses ... mine are the same age and would be frothing at the mouth if they had to spend a precious "day off" being dragged to a toddler-focused event, cutting ghosts out of paper or whatever, and nothing appropriate for their own age.

Regardless of the adults' intentions, it seems hard on the kids that no one has consulted them about how they'd like to spend their day

Ellie56 · 22/10/2021 13:28

YANBU. If your DSC were only 5 and 6 you could probably take them along and they would enjoy it, but your DSC are way too old for something aimed at toddlers. And as PP said, your friends will not be amused if you bring along two grumpy older children who keep asking to go home!

Your DH needs to sort something out for them himself or get their other parent to help him out.