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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he'll need to sort this?

162 replies

PorkNPickle · 20/10/2021 22:21

DH forgot until yesterday that DSD's break up for half term tomorrow and therefore are off school Friday (they stay with us every Wednesday Thursday Friday or Thursday Friday Saturday alternate weeks).

I don't have a school aged child so am not really with it when it comes to specific dates regarding school holidays so didn't realise myself either.

I happen to be off work this Friday because I am going out with two friends and their DC that I haven't seen in a while. Our DC are all pre school aged and we have booked tickets to a children's Halloween event.

My husband hasn't arranged work for Friday and is now complaining that he'll have to take unpaid parental leave and keeps asking me why I can't just take DSDs with me and he's sure they'll enjoy it as well (they are quite a bit older at 8 & 11).

Anyway, I've told him no and have said that we've booked tickets anyway so can't now.

I actually could book more tickets, there are some left on the website. But I was really looking forward to spending some time with some old friends and our DC who are all much younger. The day is quite toddler focused and having two older DCs there who'll likely be bored and wanting to leave would change the dynamic too much.

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 21/10/2021 07:37

Surely the stepchildren have best friends they can go and hang out with? Much nicer for them.
Tell him to ring round, make some effort already.

MydogWillow · 21/10/2021 07:37

YANBU and fair play to you for saying no. Days off are well earned and your plans shouldn't be scuppered.

You sound very accommodating generally so this is not being unreasonable at all. He needs to be more on the ball with term-times.

Slightly different, but DH and I had individual plans one day. His got cancelled at the last minute so he wanted to join me. I said no as I had been looking forward to my plans and it wouldn't be the same dynamic. Not a problem. His plans had changed so he to accommodate the change.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 21/10/2021 07:39

@southcarolina - In future I would involve yourself in knowing the step children's holidays and support your DP in ensuring appropriate plans are in place. Surely that benefits everyone?

Does op's h have some sort of condition that means he can't do this himself?? Why should OP do this?

User527294627 · 21/10/2021 07:41

If you were doing an event the older kids would enjoy I would encourage you to take them, but they will be bored to tears on a day out with toddlers. Your husband needs to take time off and actually give them an enjoyable half term imo.

Frannibananni · 21/10/2021 07:41

You have plans, even if they were not step children but your own he would have to take time off. I would be taking my older children with me to be bored and have a bad day while ruining our younger kids day. That’s not fair on anyone especially your friend and her kids

HireStarter · 21/10/2021 07:46

Does he do this kind of thing a lot? Does he usually help you out when you need it?

Personally I'd take the kids because otherwise my partner is always very accommodating for me and goes out of his way when I'm in need.

But if he didn't I wouldn't.

GummyBearWhere · 21/10/2021 07:47

Don’t change your plans, it’s your day off, you’ve arranged something special with friends. His kids, his problem to solve, maybe he needs to do more parenting “life admin” that women on mumsnet are always complaining their partners never do, then perhaps he’d actually remember stuff like school breakup days.

JaneDoe21 · 21/10/2021 07:51

YANBU. I wouldn't either.

He should know it's half term, it's the same time every single year.

muddyford · 21/10/2021 08:15

The reality of so-called blended families, eh?

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 21/10/2021 08:16

@Spanielsarepainless

The reality of so-called blended families, eh?
The reality of a DP who can't do his share of the mental load or planning childcare (for his own children!), eh?
Finknottlesnewt · 21/10/2021 08:27

Complete nonsense to expect OP to change her plans.

OP works . In a normal week she would be working. So her DH would need to take the day off as his partner wouldn't be available anyway.

The ONLY reason she has taken the day off is for a SPECIFIC toddler activity with her children. Sorry but her DH failure to plan doesn't mean that her day out gets screwed . That is not what team work means .

Interesting that the woman is expected to pick up the slack for a mans bad planning . As a step-mother with my own children - I can't EVER recall a time when my DH changed his plans /work schedule to look after my kids (and he has been resident in our home for over 20 years) ..he was responsible for his - and me for mine.

RealBecca · 21/10/2021 08:42

Its not appropriate for them to take a tablet. Tablets arent babysitters and spoil the fun for other people.

Yanbu. Because tickets are expensive and its not an appropriate activity for them and you cant shoehorn them into am activity they wont enjoy for his convenience.

Therefore he needs to arrange cover. Sometimes lessons are expensive for him to learn. Its not your job to rescue the situation, he should have other people he can ask for childcare?

black2black · 21/10/2021 08:49

@HireStarter

Does he do this kind of thing a lot? Does he usually help you out when you need it?

Personally I'd take the kids because otherwise my partner is always very accommodating for me and goes out of his way when I'm in need.

But if he didn't I wouldn't.

yes for me it depends if he’s usually great and accommodating for OP. My DH is so I wouldn’t mind doing it just once. If it became a regular thing I’d be pissed off then and wouldn’t be inclined to sort out his shit for him.
JurgensCakeBaby · 21/10/2021 08:54

I wouldn't be best pleased about it but if it was a one off mistake not a regular occurrence and there are still tickets I would take them, it seems churlish not to. If there were no tickets available I wouldn't be cancelling to look after them, but £40 for tickets is going to be less than he'd lose in unpaid leave.

BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2021 08:55

YANBU. At all. If he'd held his hands up and admitted he'd fucked up and asked you nicely for help, then that would be different - although it would still be perfectly reasonable to say no. It doesn't sound like that's what happened.

His kids, his mistake, his problem to sort. In the same situation DP would never expect me to look after the dsc. I doubt he'd ask. If I was just at home not working, I would probably offer. But if I already had plans and he knew about them he'd just take leave.

You've had this planned for a while and been looking forward to it. And if I was one of your friends I'd be miffed if you'd changed the dynamic of the day bringing the dsc along. You aren't wrong, and don't let him make you feel like you are.

Batshitkerazy · 21/10/2021 08:57

@southcarolina

I don't think you are being unreasonable in this circumstance as this is a friend event who would also be affected. Assuming you don't always say no about things.

In future I would involve yourself in knowing the step children's holidays and support your DP in ensuring appropriate plans are in place. Surely that benefits everyone?

No no no regarding the second paragraph. “Support your DP in ensuring appropriate plans are in place”. He is a grown adult who is perfectly about to do this himself. The idea that all childcare must be overseen by the OP, reinforces the whole “women’s work” viewpoint from lazy men. They are not her children, not her mental load to take on
Chesneyhawkes1 · 21/10/2021 09:01

Personally I'd help out if he doesn't have form for being useless with stuff like this.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner hasn't got my back and makes my life harder just because they can.

icedcoffees · 21/10/2021 09:10

YANBU. You have plans.

He needs to arrange childcare himself or take the day off if he can't manage that.

Ambersand · 21/10/2021 09:13

I feel sorry for the stepkids in this scenario. The more I read about blended families in here, the more I think they often don't work. There is a first tier family and a second tier family in each parents mind

fargo123 · 21/10/2021 09:18

YANBU

Definitely not fair on your kids, and your friends, to bring along two older kids who don't want to be there.

Exactly. I'd be pretty pissed off if my friend turned up to our event with unplanned older children, who will no doubt be bored, whiny, asking to leave ASAP, inhibiting our ability to have the type of conversation we'd planned on and generally changing the dynamic of the entire day.

I'd be extremely pissed off with her partner for ruining my day due to his fuck up. I wouldn't be feeing too charitable towards my friend for not saying 'no' to him to either.

black2black · 21/10/2021 09:18

@Ambersand

I feel sorry for the stepkids in this scenario. The more I read about blended families in here, the more I think they often don't work. There is a first tier family and a second tier family in each parents mind
Yes it seems a bit odd to me. I’d treat my SS as I’d treat my own son not “well your son so your problem”. How does that attitude look to the stepkids?
BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2021 09:23

@Chesneyhawkes1

Personally I'd help out if he doesn't have form for being useless with stuff like this.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner hasn't got my back and makes my life harder just because they can.

OP isn't making his life harder just because she can though Hmm She has pre existing plans and taking the dsc along changes more than just her day. She isn't saying she'll never look after them, just 'Not this time. Sorry.'
And as for not having his backHmm Why is ok for him to spoil a day out she's been looking forward to? His needs don't trump hers. It doesn't mean she doesn't have his back just because she's dared to point that out.
black2black · 21/10/2021 09:27

@BigMamaFratelli yes but what if it was their joint kids and he always had them the inset day but forgot to take the day off. Would you still think she shouldn’t take her own kids with the toddlers? Or still it was his problem? I’d think the stepkids should be treated the same as the other kids.

BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2021 09:32

It's not their joint kids though. That's the point of the post isn't it?Hmm

If it was joint kids, the responsibility for knowing about the inset day would be joint, so yes then I'd say she should look after them as she's already off. But in that case I'd probably cancel the day out.

They aren't joint kids though, so it wasn't down to her to know. It's his kids, his responsibility to know term times and arrange child care. I think you've missed the point

VladmirsPoutine · 21/10/2021 10:19

I think YABU because this is part and parcel of a blended family. People who marry and have kids with men/women with existing children are really in for a huge shock - you don't just compartmentalise the existing kids. It's a whole package. Of course he should have got himself sorted in time but alas he hasn't. What is family for if not support, being there for eachother even when it inconveniences us etc etc. Just a sad situation all round.