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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to work?!

343 replies

Anonymouseperson · 20/10/2021 21:33

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

OP posts:
pelosi · 20/10/2021 21:39

Sounds like you have a DH problem.

His behaviour should tell you this is not a man who will look after you for life.

I would rather work and be financially independent rather than stay at home and spoken to like that.

WayneBruce · 20/10/2021 21:40

What's rhe female version of a cockloger?

I couldnt personally, but everyone's different.

Merryoldgoat · 20/10/2021 21:41

Your husband is your big problem.

I think it’s a lot of pressure for one person to be the breadwinner but that doesn’t mean his vile behaviour is justified.

malificent7 · 20/10/2021 21:42

He sounds like a prick...id work on getting out tbh.

Allthesefolks · 20/10/2021 21:45

I think I’d be depressed too if my husband treated me like that, I’d suggest you need to focus on his behaviour first rather than the work issue.

Original poster
Anonymouseperson · 20/10/2021 21:46

What does that mean? I haven’t heard that expression before. I’m sorry if I’ve offended or not explained properly what I mean.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 20/10/2021 21:48

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

I work to pay the bills, not because i want to!

Welshiefluff · 20/10/2021 21:49

Yes I think your husband needs to improve his attitude towards spending and yes in an ideal world we would all have very rich partners but do consider this from his opinion. I bet he does not love going to work each day and he probably does it to keep you and the kids in food and shelter even if the wage does not spread to luxury.

Talk to him explain how you are feeling and then consider going part time.

pelosi · 20/10/2021 21:50

Cocklodger. A male who lives with his girlfriend without paying rent. Rent and bills are paid by the girlfriend, the cocklodger relies on the fact that the couple are shagging to continue his residency.

You’re not a fanny lodger OP!

Original poster
Anonymouseperson · 20/10/2021 21:50

@Howshouldibehave

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

I work to pay the bills, not because i want to!

Yes me too. This as well. I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear. I’m not explaining myself very well. I probably sound like a d**khead! Sorry.
OP posts:
grapewine · 20/10/2021 21:51

Most people work to pay the bills not because they want to, OP.

grapewine · 20/10/2021 21:52

Crosspost.

Original poster
Anonymouseperson · 20/10/2021 21:52

@pelosi

Cocklodger. A male who lives with his girlfriend without paying rent. Rent and bills are paid by the girlfriend, the cocklodger relies on the fact that the couple are shagging to continue his residency.

You’re not a fanny lodger OP!

Thank you for explaining. No, I’ve always worked (well apart from the 6 months I had off for each baby). I feel guilty expressing this opinion. I know it is not realistic. It’s just how I’m feeling. I’m sad.
OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 20/10/2021 21:53

Yes he shouldn't speak to you like that. But honestly do you think there are a lot of people that work for anything other than not being skint? I don't work for fun and neither does dp. We work because we have to work.

EileenGC · 20/10/2021 21:53

Do you think you'd hate working a little less, if you had a supportive husband at home instead? He doesn't sound very appreciative of you.

marykitty · 20/10/2021 21:54

Did you like the freelance experience?

MadamMoth · 20/10/2021 21:54

The problem is op that your dh is not great in terms of behaviour but if you ditch him I can only assume you will need that job as you can bring up dcs as a single mum / Co parent with no income. I also just don't understand the attitude of expecting someone else to be rich enough to pay your way. Pay your own way. Your a grown woman, you have two dcs to think of, you don't need to be paid for?

Original poster
Anonymouseperson · 20/10/2021 21:57

Thank you for the replies. Yes I need to work, this is true. Just finding it hard to work this many hours and manage kids. Part time work is hard to find. I was doing it before but wanted to help more with bills/have a little of my own money. Perhaps I did wrong leaving that behind. The door is closed for that now. But you are all right. I’m sorry if I’ve upset anyone.

OP posts:
FrownedUpon · 20/10/2021 21:57

Well, lots of people work to pay the bills. I certainly don’t work for the fun of it.

It’s not fair for you stay at home & expect your DH to look after you, unless you are both 100% happy with it.

Motherland101 · 20/10/2021 21:58

You don't sound like a dickhead, OP. You are completely reasonable to feel the way you do. Your husband does sound awful though and talking the way he does to you about money is really not on. You should be a team and he should trust that you won't spunk the money away.

Being a SAHM or not, I don't think there is a right or wrong way. I completely understand you although my little part time job is my little getaway as I just couldn't deal with being at home with DC constantly. Mind you, if someone said I didn't need to work but DC could still go to nursery that would absolutely be a win-win. There you go, now I'm the dickhead 😂

Original poster
Anonymouseperson · 20/10/2021 22:01

@marykitty

Did you like the freelance experience?
Truthfully it was a bit stressful because no paid sick days or holidays. But now I have a job that would give me those things, I don’t have enough holidays to cover school holidays and I feel guilty to take too many sick days as it looks bad! So pros and cons for each side.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/10/2021 22:03

You need to do you but wouldn’t be my thing. If I want something I work for it, not hope I can stay home and wish someone would pay for me.

Sunshineonarainydayy · 20/10/2021 22:04

Its really tough juggling everything with young kids and if you see others with seemingly easier lives then its natural to wish for similar. In the long run, being financially independent is beneficial imo even if its a struggle at the moment.

Ellabella222 · 20/10/2021 22:04

I sometimes fantasise about having big a rich husband but I like my own money tbh so work is a given.

blublub · 20/10/2021 22:08

It sounds like you’d be happier working part time. Does your husband help with housework or the children?