Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to work?!

343 replies

Anonymouseperson · 20/10/2021 21:33

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 20/10/2021 22:10

Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

It isn’t anti feminist, feminism is about being able to make choices that suit you and your family.

It sounds like your DH is your real problem.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2021 22:10

Sounds like money is tight op that’s why you need to work, and possibly why he lost th plot over thr lamp? Is that right.

I’m sure he’d also wish to stay home and have a high earning wife who paid for everything and didn’t quibble over what he spent.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2021 22:13

It’s just how I’m feeling. I’m sad

Really, your sad you don’t have soneone to give you money and let you spend without question?

Pumpkintopf · 20/10/2021 22:14

I understand where you're coming from op.

Now you are working- can you afford a cleaner to give you some help with the house so that you can spend the time you do have with the dc doing fun things rather than housework?

SuePream · 20/10/2021 22:18

@Bluntness100

You need to do you but wouldn’t be my thing. If I want something I work for it, not hope I can stay home and wish someone would pay for me.

You do know that commenting on mumsnet threads 24/7/365 isn't actually a job, right?

Mc3209 · 20/10/2021 22:21

OP, I understand where you are coming from. I was very career driven, and just due to go back from mat leave to full time. I already hate it. I wish I married well and took on baking.

Booboosweet · 20/10/2021 22:21

No one wants to work. I think everyone would love for someone else to subsidise them even husbands! It just has to be done.i know very few people who are completely paid for by a partner. I don't think that's a great idea anyway because it leaves you completely vulnerable to the whims and decisions of someone else. I would never rely on someone else to pay for me.

Sparklfairy · 20/10/2021 22:21

@Bluntness100

It’s just how I’m feeling. I’m sad

Really, your sad you don’t have soneone to give you money and let you spend without question?

@Bluntness100 no, its very clear she's sad that her husband is an arse about money. In her ideal world she would be a SAHM and they would be a team. Instead he screams at her in front of the neighbours for buying a £12 fucking lamp.

Do you berate other SAHMs? What about when their husbands hold the purse strings like this? I suppose they deserve it for being such gold diggers eh.

SunsetOnTheHorizon · 20/10/2021 22:22

Op, you don't need to apologise for your post. It's your personal situation and your feelings about it.

In an ideal world, everyone would love to be rich(or very very comfortable) but IMO, it seems like you want to be around the children more and want to keep on top of the housework. Which isn't too much too ask.

It is definitely a lack of communication between the two of you,and I'd suggest you both lay your cards out on the table. If you want to go part time, then perhaps look at your budget cut out some outgoings.

There are many options here, Dh is most likely worrying about money (as most of us do) and that's why he snapped. Talk to one another!

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 20/10/2021 22:22

You sound very young.

No one WANTS to work. I'd love to be rich and not have to work and just spend what I want. But I'm not rich and I have too much self respect to be comfortable sponging off a man.

Yes that is a sad and depressing fact but wanting a man to keep you in this way is not realistic.

You need to grow up a bit and accept that working is simply part of adult life.

Suzi888 · 20/10/2021 22:24

I’d try to work part time, if you can. Either that or wait until the children are older.

SparklingLime · 20/10/2021 22:25

@SuePream 👏👏👏

Gemma2019 · 20/10/2021 22:28

It's tough working full time when you have young kids, but your DH does sound a bit joyless and if the house is a mess I assume he's not pulling his weight around the house. It's great you are getting your career back on track to give you financial independence though.

CatonMat · 20/10/2021 22:28

Some people do want to work, though.
I'm not one of them, so I understand where you're coming from.

SparklingLime · 20/10/2021 22:28

You’re apologising a lot on this thread, OP. You sound rather ground down - may be by your DH’s behaviour and attitude? I wonder if your SAHM fantasy is an escape from your current situation including DH, rather than just work?

PurpleOkapi · 20/10/2021 22:29

Your DH would probably rather he never had to work, either. Most people would prefer that. But unless you've given him that option and he's declined it, you could be a little more respectful of the fact that he's working so you don't have to. Clearly he's worried about money, probably for a reason.

user1487194234 · 20/10/2021 22:30

I really can't understand wanting to not work and rely on someone else to support me
Unless due to illness
I couldn't look at myself in the mirror
I think that is anti feminist and a bad example to children

mywombisfittoburst · 20/10/2021 22:31

I get it, OP. I'd love a rich husband and not to have to work! Sadly life didn't work out that way. But it's a definite recurring fantasy of mine 😂

Cakeandcardio · 20/10/2021 22:31

I'm part time. Fully expect all our money to be shared (as it was before we had DS and I went part time). Would be horrified if my DH spoke to me like that over the spending. YANBU OP at all. You want to spend time with your babies when they are young. Yes you might need to work if your DH doesn't earn enough but if he does then it should be a shared income imo. I'm glad to be part time as it means I get time with my DS when he is young. I didn't have a baby to then let someone else spend all day with him. FWIW, me and DH have had to make cutbacks to allow me to go PT.

YouJustDoYou · 20/10/2021 22:33

Kids wreck careers. Kids interfere with careers/work. If my husband didn't have the job he had, I never would have had children.

Fetarabbit · 20/10/2021 22:35

I suspect most people would like the luxury of being able to not work, I don't think people tend to do it for fun. It's not unreasonable to wish that was the case, but it's not your reality unfortunately. I'd hate to be financially supporting someone else if they could work but chose not to though, he shouldn't have spoken to you like that but that sort of arrangement has to work for both of you, and it seems it wasn't.

Ylvamoon · 20/10/2021 22:35

sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending .

I prefer dreaming about winning big in the lottery... why do you need an other person to keep you?

But seriously, most parents work because unfortunately our society/ economy is set out for a 2 adult household income- especially when children are involved.

I think you just have to find something that suits you or work less hours.

Cattitudes · 20/10/2021 22:36

Does he do his equal share of housework and childcare? Or does he expect you to work full time and then still organise all the childcare/ housework/ wifework?

NoSquirrels · 20/10/2021 22:37

Now that you’re working pretty much full-time, how much does your husband step up to share childcare, school runs, sick days, holidays, school admin etc?

How are the other household chores split in your house?

How are your finances arranged?

I think it’s pretty common for any adult to wish they didn’t have the responsibility of making money and could just enjoy their life without worry. Having a rich partner would do that. It’s not anti-feminist so much as just massively unrealistic- blokes feel this just as much as women (your own husband felt resentful of being the sole wage earner). Fantasies are fun.

What matters is organising your real life so you and your partner share the load of all the shitwork so everyone can also share the benefits of a 2-working parent income.

Is your real life balanced?

themuttsnutts · 20/10/2021 22:38

You sound overwhelmed and stressed. Your children are very young. Running the home snd parenting shouldn't be all down to you - even if you aren't working. Children this age are full on.

It's not clear if you actually have to go back to work right now if your H is just a tight arse.

Your H also needs to be told that the money in the household is family money, not his. Nip this in the bud. He is not king of the castle and you aren't his subordinate who has to answer yo him