AIBU to not want to work?!

[Anonymouseperson]

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

Well done OP for posting on a forum what many women think but refuse to admit - instead pretending their DH’s ‘big job’ needs them to stay at home, and they made a grand heroic sacrifice of their own career. I wouldn’t say it’s anti-feminist per se to want to be looked after - but it’s gold digging.

However your issues seem to come from your DH - he had an outburst, but it must be stressful being thé sole breadwinner.

You both needs to sit down, throw money at the childcare problem and stop feeling mum guilt. Or one if you goes part time

Who cares if it's "anti-feminist"?
I'd be more worried that your husband thought it was okay to shout at you about buying a lamp.
I agree.

You may be depressed. (I would be if I had a DP who thought it was OK to shout at me like that). Do you have a sympathetic GP you can talk to? You certainly sound overtired. You work full-time and (I'm guessing) do most if not all of the childcare and run the house.

As to wanting to stay at home, some people's comments on here about that are deplorable. Not to mention display poor thinking. A SAHM doesn't simply 'rely on' her partner and it's not all about her being 'supported' by them; SAHMs are, let's not forget, bringing up their PARTNER's children. If their partner didn't have the support of the SAHM they would have to leave their jobs and do childcare themselves, or pay for it. I should think many working men also rely on their partners to keep the house/cook/do laundry etc for them too.

I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

WTF? IMO shouting at you in front of the neighbours is abusive.

I wonder if the 'looking after you' and the 'returning to work' are linked but not really the same issue - both me and my DH have had periods of being the SAH parent - no way would either of us have said the other oculd not spend the family money.

It doesn't sound like you have a DH who would look after you emotionally at all - irrespective of your working situation?

OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. I had a "proper" high-flying type career until DC1 was born, then more or less overnight lost any interest/ambition/drive. I was fortunate as I didn't have to go back (XH was always grumpy about money, but the alternative was for him to stop work and look after the DC, which he had zero desire to do - we had always agreed they would be looked after at home until they went to school).

The only thing I'd say is that, 20 years on, I wish I'd kept my hand in a bit job-wise, as I didn't realise I'd end up divorced and unemployable. Hopefully this will never happen to you, but it makes me wonder a bit now about my previous decisions. That said, I had an absolute ball as a SAHM and it was the best thing for our DC when they were little. It was by far the happiest phase of my life, especially when they were toddlers.

So there is, unfortunately, no easy answer - but I hope you find ways to make your situation match your 'dream' scenario a bit more closely.

It does come across a bit grabby. Have you thought that maybe all dads would love to be house-husbands, chat with other mums on school run, play golf or cycle during the week, then play with kids after school and have more time with family on weekends? Why should they be the ones working to support everyone else? Why are women educated to university level if the idea is to housekeep?

As for the house in a mess, it really doesn't matter.

You sound ground down @Anonymouseperson. Do you constantly apologise to him as well?
Look at your posts here, most of them end in 'sorry' or an attempt at light hearted humour meant to distract from the real issue, which is your relationship with your husband.

I'd advise trying to build up your self esteem. God knows how this is done though. But you need to see the bigger picture here.

What's the female version of a cockloger?

Really?? With two toddlers?? Because that's not work is it?

Well your husband certainly shouldn't have shouted at you in front of the neighbours, but I can understand him being upset if money was really tight. My ex wanted to stay at home and be looked after but I just didn't have the money to do it and he'd go out spending which pushed me further into debt, which would cause me to feel so resentful and upset. The pressure on a sole earner can be intense.
It's not wrong to want to stay at home though. I would have loved the chance when my child was small, but if it's not financially possible then you just have to get on with it and work, whilst doing what you can to make the time you do get to spend with your kids special.

And most posters here are spectacularly missing the point. Its nothing to do with the op being grabby or not earning or whatever. Its everything to do with her feeling like she doesn't have a voice. Even her username tries to make her invisible.

OP, I'm another one who thinks you have a DH problem. You sound hardworking and accountable. He ought to love and respect you.

What would you do if your DH decided he didn't fancy working anymore ?

Unless someone has a partner earning a huge sum in a job they really enjoy - I think the pressure and resentment upon one party of a relationship to be entirely financially responsible for an entire family - is simply too much .

If my DH decided he 'didn't want ' to work but expected me to work full time and support him - I would definitely divorce him.

@HouseCart

It does come across a bit grabby. Have you thought that maybe all dads would love to be house-husbands, chat with other mums on school run, play golf or cycle during the week, then play with kids after school and have more time with family on weekends? Why should they be the ones working to support everyone else? Why are women educated to university level if the idea is to housekeep?

As for the house in a mess, it really doesn't matter.

Are you having a fucking laugh? 'grabby'? Do all 'housewives' spend their time 'chatting' and playing golf (or whatever you think the lady equivalent is)? How is a woman looking after children and a house not working?

I think it's not only natural but healthy not to want to be a wage slave.
Unless you're fortunate enough to make a living from something you really enjoy, why would you feel the need to spend the majority & best part of your waking hours doing something you don't really want to?
Most people, given the chance, would walk away from their jobs.

Most people don’t have the option of stopping work and letting someone else pay the bills. We just get on with it because needs must. Not sure why there’s so much focus on one outburst from husband. He shouldn’t have reacted like that but he did apologise and I must admit, if my husband wanted to stop working and I arrived home from a tiring day to find he’d been out shopping, I might have lost it too

Could you work fewer hours, so you have a better work/life balance, eg work 4 days, have 3 days off?

Also, you can earn money from home (see this thread about earning £10 a day £10 a day).

That way you could yourself some money to spend on stuff you want, as well as contributing to the bills with your salary.

@Cieloazzurro

Most people don’t have the option of stopping work and letting someone else pay the bills. We just get on with it because needs must. Not sure why there’s so much focus on one outburst from husband. He shouldn’t have reacted like that but he did apologise and I must admit, if my husband wanted to stop working and I arrived home from a tiring day to find he’d been out shopping, I might have lost it too

If you think it's OK for someone's partner to shout at them on the doorstep, effing and blinding and accusing them of 'spunking' money, you have a pretty low bar for acceptable behaviour.

And if you would have 'lost it' to the tune of saying things like that to your partner about a £12 lamp FOR THEIR SHARED HOME ('been out shopping' makes it sound like she came back with bags of frocks from Selfridges), then you are no better than this abusive individual.

I absolutely loved being a sahm but I now advise my daughter not to put her in that position.

It worked out well for me, but had I ended up being divorced, I’d have been screwed. I work part time now in a very low paying role.

It was virtually impossible to get back to where I was pre children. Too over qualified for some jobs, too long out of the work arena for many others.

Your relationship doesn’t sound great tbh. Tread warily.

You sound very young.

No, she really doesn’t.

No one WANTS to work. I'd love to be rich and not have to work and just spend what I want. But I'm not rich and I have too much self respect to be comfortable sponging off a man.
Sponging? She is talking about being a SAHM.

Yes that is a sad and depressing fact but wanting a man to keep you in this way is not realistic.

“Keep” her? You mean, financially contribute whilst she looks after the children so he is able to continue his career and hers is stalled meaning she will not progress as far as she should in hers?

I fully understand your position and I wish more people were honest about wanting this - and to really annoy people, I reckon many - not all- men wish their wife could just stay at home and mind the kids, while a significant number of women - not all - wish they could just stay home and mind the kids.
Th

For hundreds of thousands of years this is the way society mostly operated. And it seems to have suited many people.

Then in the last 30 years or so society has changed very quickly and it went from mothers fighting for the right to work, as my mother did 60 years ago, to mothers being expected to work as I am today.

I love working and would continue even if I won the lottery. So would my husband. However when the babies were young I very much resented the feeling of having to go out to work. It felt wrong. It felt like I should be at home with the kids. Now with the benefit of hindsight, I think I was right. Society should support a primary caregiver to stay in the home and mind the kids if that's what they want to do. If society could support that then we would have less harried parents and stressed kids.

Yes, you have a DH problem. As pp have already said, I'd get retraining, or into a career of some sorts so that you can leave him in the future if you need to.

@WayneBruce

What's rhe female version of a cockloger?

I couldnt personally, but everyone's different.

Not many cocklodgers look after the children, the house, the paperwork, the cooking and the shopping, so not entirely the same.

Sadly most couples can’t afford for one person to be a SAHP/it’s as simple as that.

I work 10-hour days in a stressful job which I do enjoy but it’s hard and can be soul-destroying some days. I do look at a couple of school friends I have who have never really gone back to work after having kids. They spend their daytimes walking their dogs, going for a run, having lovely lunches and I get green eyes! Their husbands earn way more than me/DH put together and they talk excitedly of early retirement and loads of holidays. We’ll still be slogging till 68 and then retiring on a not brilliant pension!

Life isn’t fair, which can be bloody annoying!

Being a sahp only works if both agree to it. Otherwise, it brings resentment and control.

I hear you, OP! It also sounds as though your earning potential is very much hampered by your DH. Why can’t you both work part time and share the household jobs?

OP the real problem in your posts is your DH's attitude! Are you sure you want to be completely financially dependent on this man????

I don't have to work, my husband earns enough to pay all the bills, but I have always gone back when my kids were between 10 months and 14 months old, just part time. I need it for my own self esteem and in case anything happens to my relationship or my husband, I know I now earn enough to get by, plus as they get older I have many more options work wise. Is it not possible for you to work part time?

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be a SAHM but I do think it puts women in a vulnerable position tbh. I hate the idea of someone being put in a really bad position financially because their husband passed away.