AIBU to not want to work?!

[Anonymouseperson]

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

Yanbu. I think women who are essentially 'taken care of' have it amazingly! That said he really shouldn't be speaking to you as tho you're one of the kids and have done something naughty.

With a man like that I would really keep up my career. I would not want to be dependent on him because I wouldn't be convinced that the relationship would last.

I worked full time, got pregnant and my mind was heading for the door the second I announced my pregnancy. Physically I was there until my maternity started but I was making zero effort and in my head would just reply ‘not my problem/doesn’t affect my life/ really couldn’t care less etc’ every time someone raised any sort of trivial issue or planned anything for the future. Obviously I had the small hurdle of having a baby to get over so I wasn’t thinking about what I’d do after mat leave as I was finishing up. I’m only 2 months into being off, plan to be off until the SMP runs out at 9 months then go back just as they’re finishing for the 6 week holiday so I don’t have to actually be there until he’s 1 really. In the last week I’ve become almost frantic, like I’ve had some sort of lightbulb moment and realised I hate my job. I was so excited for mat leave and I’m enjoying it sooo much because I’m not there. I don’t think you’re supposed to be enjoying it this much. All I hear from other mums of 0-3 month olds is how hard work it is, how much they cry, how they have no time for themselves and every time I just cannot relate at all. I feel like I’ve escaped and I’m almost in hiding from my work, just waiting to be caught 🙈

I do think it’s a bit unfair men are expected to go out and earn the money in most cases and I feel really guilty when DH leaves at 6am every morning to go out and work in the rain all day. He does make slightly jokey comments sometimes as if I’ve had an easy day (which, to be fair, I think I have actually 😂).

But you’re definitely not being unreasonable to not want to work. You could always advertise for another husband? 🤷🏼‍♀️

If he's always worked full-time and she's bounced between working part-time and not working at all for the past 5 years, of course he wasn't doing 50% of the housework and childcare in that time. Why would he? If my SAH husband thought I owed it to him to do half the chores in addition to working more than full-time to pay all the expenses, I'd laugh at him. And then I'd suggest he find somewhere else to live, at his own expense. It would be different if he were disabled or something, of course, but just because he didn't want to? No one on here would be defending that.

I agree that in principle he should do more if they're both working full-time, but even that depends on the circumstances, and OP says the new full-time job is "recent." Her husband doesn't magically have more free time just because she decided she'd rather work than worry about buying £12 lamps, so it's not realistic to expect the house to be as clean as before. If he thinks the mess is fine and it's not a health hazard, then I don't think he owes it to OP to help clean it just because she wants it cleaner than he does.

No one works because they like it. My DH really likes his job but even he would quit if he won the lottery! Wouldn't you love to just be at home, take care of your little family, find a meaningful hobby and just enjoy life? Absolute bliss....

That being said, your DH is a dick. Keep working so you can save and dump his arse.

@Cattitudes

Does he do his equal share of housework and childcare? Or does he expect you to work full time and then still organise all the childcare/ housework/ wifework?

This.

I feel exactly like you OP and I also used to be extremely ambitious and career-driven, but I'm a single mum so I have to work I do play the lottery though

Now that you are working, who does the 'second shift'? Do you share childcare and housework or are you essentially working two jobs?

Not everyone who works does so because they have to. I work because I enjoy my job, the people I meet doing it and the financial freedom it brings me.

That said, I couldn't work full-time because I am responsible for most of the 'second shift' in our house since my DH works very long hours (we hardly see him during the week). I either have to do it or outsource it and manage it and, even with working 3 days a week (though I do have to work in the evenings as well), there are never enough hours in the day.

Why not work part-time so you are earning money but also have more free time to spend with your children and do chores? I don't think it's fair at all to put all the financial burden on one partner. Maybe yoir husband would like more free time too. Unfortunately, we live in a capitalist society and we need money to live.

Him having a go at you about money is a separate (albeit related) issue imo. However, I guess if he earned the money he should probably get to decide how it is spent.

Him having a go at you about money is a separate (albeit related) issue imo. However, I guess if he earned the money he should probably get to decide how it is spent.

. Financial and economic control is a form of abuse.

Unless they are very badly off, it's not a great marriage if the OP has to account for £12.

@MadeItOut21

No one works because they like it. My DH really likes his job but even he would quit if he won the lottery! Wouldn't you love to just be at home, take care of your little family, find a meaningful hobby and just enjoy life? Absolute bliss....

That being said, your DH is a dick. Keep working so you can save and dump his arse.

I disagree with this. I'm on mat leave and I already miss my job - baby isn't here yet mind you. I do love my job though and, I know from previous times of unemployment, that I feel like a waste of space when I don't have something purposeful in my life. In theory, having infinite time off is great. In practice, it can be quite boring. It's worth noting how many lottery winners actually end up with mental health issues.

@Goldbar

Him having a go at you about money is a separate (albeit related) issue imo. However, I guess if he earned the money he should probably get to decide how it is spent.

. Financial and economic control is a form of abuse.

Unless they are very badly off, it's not a great marriage if the OP has to account for £12.

It doesn't sound like he's not trying to control her though - sounds like he was peed she was spending his money and wanted her to earn her own. That's the opposite of using money to control someone. If he forbade her to work, gave her an allowance and then pulled her up on it then maybe you would have a point.

Thank you for all your replies.

I feel I should clarify I have always worked. I worked part time since my babies were 6 months old. About a month ago I started working full time.

We we had the ‘lamp’ discussion I was on maternity leave. So yes that was in the 6 months where I had a small baby and wasn’t working. Apart from that, I’ve always worked and earned.

I went back full time because I wanted to contribute more financially and take pressure off him. Also thought I should probably do it for my CV for future jobs, maybe getting my career back on track and moving up when they are older.

Mums in the previous generation seemed to have been able to stay at home and be mums, at least for a bit longer. thought maybe I might be better at this, be more present for the kids, have a cleaner house etc if I didn’t have to constantly worry about work. It was probably a stupid thought. The same sort of thought

Anyway, I can see I have really annoyed some people. Sorry about that!

Is going back down to part time feasible?

What does your husband do besides work?

Does he look after the kids, does he do housework,sort things out, take days off when they're ill or on holiday etc?

Does he actually contribute anything else besides money?

Mums in the previous generation seemed to have been able to stay at home and be mums, at least for a bit longer. thought maybe I might be better at this, be more present for the kids, have a cleaner house etc if I didn’t have to constantly worry about work.

You can get a cleaner house by making your DH clean more, or hiring a cleaner.

You would be ‘more present for the kids’ if you weren’t at work, obviously- but the same goes for him, he’d be ‘more present for the kids’ as a father if he didn’t work.

Sort out the equality on all aspects of your family life.

No one works because they like it. My DH really likes his job but even he would quit if he won the lottery! Wouldn't you love to just be at home, take care of your little family, find a meaningful hobby and just enjoy life? Absolute bliss....
I was with you until the taking care of my family bit. In my lottery fantasies, I still bung DD in nurseries most days so I can lark about reading books and gardening and having wees in peace.

In your shoes OP I’d get seriously career-minded quickly, climb the ladder for a fuck-off salary, and leave my shouty anti-lamp DH knowing I had the financial freedom to do so.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

What does your husband do besides work?

Does he look after the kids, does he do housework,sort things out, take days off when they're ill or on holiday etc?

Does he actually contribute anything else besides money?

Yes I can’t lie, he does do a bit. I do most stuff for the kids but he does cook and help with cleaning. We just can’t keep on top of everything between work and the demands of the kids. This is probably a silly thread. Just some silly thoughts I had when I was having a little flap/panic. Maybe tomorrow it will all seem better and I can get back on the horse and keep going. I just needed a minute to vent. Mumsnet probably isn’t the best place to do that as I do feel a a bit judged now by some of the comments. Rather here though than to people in my real life who might not want to hear it! Haha

I don't want to work but I have no choice in the matter. YANBU but I suspect more people (though not everyone) work in the job they do because they have to, not because they want to, and most given the choice would want to work fewer hours, work in their dream (but unfeasible) job, or not work at all.

I really wouldn't put myself in a position where I was entirely financially dependent on someone else, even if I were married to someone rich enough to support me.

Always keep some measure of financial independence, and always keep your hand in at the workplace even if only part-time!

Does your DH help out at home OP?

I'd personally stay working if you have a DH with that kind of attitude. You may need 'make some fucking money' of your own in the future .

@hotmeatymilk

No one works because they like it. My DH really likes his job but even he would quit if he won the lottery! Wouldn't you love to just be at home, take care of your little family, find a meaningful hobby and just enjoy life? Absolute bliss.... I was with you until the taking care of my family bit. In my lottery fantasies, I still bung DD in nurseries most days so I can lark about reading books and gardening and having wees in peace.

In your shoes OP I’d get seriously career-minded quickly, climb the ladder for a fuck-off salary, and leave my shouty anti-lamp DH knowing I had the financial freedom to do so.

Wees in peace! Now that is the real dream!

It’s quite early days yet. I was the breadwinner in our family and though I love my job still wished I could have spent more time at home. Don’t beat yourself up OP

It doesn't sound like he's not trying to control her though - sounds like he was peed she was spending his money and wanted her to earn her own.

If only one partner is working while the other is caring for small children (as the OP was), then yes it is financial control to unnecessarily limit their access to money. Because it's family money. The work question is a separate question.

If my DH had tried that stunt while I was on maternity leave (and not earning), he would have found himself unable to go to work the next day with a tiny baby to care for and instructions to organise childcare. Meanwhile, I'd have been in our local library contacting my job about returning to work early.

Leaving your idiot of a husband aside, I don't think it's unusual to feel like you do. I certainly have in the past. It's the fantasy I was fed when growing up!

Lots of women lose their career drive after children but yes it's rude and self entitled to wish you'd married a richer man so you didn't have to work. These are the types of women who then divorce the chap and make off with the kids and 70% of the assets and pensions whilst bemoaning the career they "gave up" all for his benefit 🤔

Unless your partner earns a big wage it's rare with the cost of modern living to be able to survive comfortably on one wage these days.