AIBU to not want to work?!

[Anonymouseperson]

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

His abusive behaviour is inexcusable.

You are being unreasonable to expect to be financially supported though, you are an adult.

OP, most people desire to not be financially relied upon through employment. Essentially everyone. Some people might even love their jobs but even then I bet most would give up the financial pressure to do their work and would prefer to do it at their pace.

YABU. You work for money. I’d be pissed off if I was your partner. Pull your weight. You are not owed a free ride on life. You could have “married rich” but it guarantees nothing

You’re aren’t alone, in fact you have the

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to stay at home and look after your young children. I did when mine were young as I earned less than the nursery cost.
I later picked up an evening job while DH looked after our children, not very well paid but no childcare costs.

Tbh I think the issue is your husband is the issue

Your DH is definitely the issue. Going off at you in public for spending £12 on a lamp is ridiculous especially the you should earn money before you spend it comment. It shows a complete lack of respect for you.

I don’t work, not since I had dd #2, I did try going back but childcare was far too expensive, it was pointless me working and never seeing my children. My DH dosnt earn a huge amount, we don’t have much left after bills are paid but we make it work. The most important thing is my DH dose not recent me not working, in fact as I was getting ready to go back to work he suggested we try for number 3. There are times he may say things are tight this month we will have to go easy on spending occasionally he would never begrudge me spending our money on anything for our home or family.

I understand too OP. I married a well paid man, but earned the same as him when we met. He was made redundant a couple of years ago and now in a min wage job so I’m the breadwinner by quite a long way. I wish he was still in his old job so I didn’t have to work quite so hard and could spend more time with DC, honestly, I do feel quite resentful. But that’s the hand I was dealt and we have bills to pay so I have to suck it up really. YANBU to feel how you do.

I would love to never work again. If we were richer, my husband would be happy to let me just piss about. I used to earn more than DH and we always shared all our money now I earn about 10k less than him. He never brings it up. He even does more than 50% of the housework too.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

You sound very young.

No one WANTS to work. I'd love to be rich and not have to work and just spend what I want. But I'm not rich and I have too much self respect to be comfortable sponging off a man.

Yes that is a sad and depressing fact but wanting a man to keep you in this way is not realistic.

You need to grow up a bit and accept that working is simply part of adult life.

"You sound very young."

Urgh How patronising!

@Anonymouseperson YANBU to feel how you do. Loads of women probably feel the same (or have done at some point in their life.) The reality for most women though, is that they don't have a man who earns enough for them to be able to stay at home for a number of years. Also, as some posters have said, it's not a great idea to be so dependent on a man financially.

Personally, I think you need to look at going part time...

I also think you need to insure for your future. When the children are older and they don’t need you as much, what do you do then? It would be hard to go back to work and re-start a career after all that time. I am in the fortunate position that I don’t have to work, but I want to for this reason.

OP, do you think your dh would be stressy about money even if he and you earned a lot?

Does he spend a lot on himself but does not allow you to do the same for you and the kids?

I'm really not understanding where PP are getting this idea that no-one wants to work. Besides which, OP doesn't exactly not work when she's not employed as she has DCs to look after.
Ask men whether they would prefer to work 35 hours a week or look after DCs 35 hours a week and most would choose the former. Some women would say the same too.
But some would prefer to be looking after the DC or at least working only part time. Why berate OP for being one of these.

OP - it's hard when you've made a decision and are regretting it or at least having difficulty coming to terms with it. It's also hard when you have an unsupportive partner. You need to decide for yourself how much of your dissatisfaction is with the work and how much is with the partner and go from there. You don't have to keep on doing things the same way if it's not right for you.

Staying home & raising the children your husband helped to produce, taking care of the house, all the life admin etc is a full time job in itself. Old fashioned it may be, but I never felt guilty!

I don’t have a rich husband, but he earns a decent amount! But as a couple we have always lived within our means . Absolutely no debts but we have never been on incredible holidays ,stupidly expensive clothes,private education for the children. I have friends who live in our area who are stupidly rich with lovely homes ….they are all just bored with their lifestyle. Only so much shopping,lunch dates etc !!

Stop apologising for what you want. As long as there is life there is hope. Plenty of women are married to men that respect their desire to not work outside of the home. Your husband needs to appreciate that is what you want. He might be projecting the pressure to be the provider on you, so when you spend money, he sees it as you not caring about how hard he works. He should still learn to communicate better though.

Why are you taking sick days to cover school holidays? Does your DH not share holiday childcare?
No one has enough days for school holidays. Can you pay for holiday club or other childcare? You really cannot keep that up OP for the entire time they’ll be at school.
The lamp thing sounds like bordering on financial abuse.

@Cattitudes

Does he do his equal share of housework and childcare? Or does he expect you to work full time and then still organise all the childcare/ housework/ wifework?

I think this is the crux - for women, opportunities and attitudes in the workplace have progressed beyond recognition, but attitudes to family/home life havent.

I stopped working (i'd been part time) about 2 years ago (my husband progressed in work). Our daughter is still quite young (11) and its been ideal in terms of stress free mornings, school holidays etc. I suppose our situation would be viewed as old fashioned by many, but ive never been happier.

I had a husband who earned more than enough to support the family on his salary alone but he had a real issue with SAHMs. I always had a Full time job as a teacher as my children grew up. Always really wanted to stay home but knew he wouldn’t have that,which was the cause of built up hidden resentment. Of course there were other issues, but (long story short) as soon as the youngest was a teenager I divorced him and felt 100% happier not having him around. I felt so free and I didn’t mind working! I’m not quite sure how my story is related to yours, but maybe there are underlying control issues with your husband that cause resentment?

I have worked since the age of 14. Saturday job, school and college holidays. Admittedly, we were both teachers so had longer breaks, but we always paid for childcare as there was no close family to help out. We are now early 60s and retired. Like you, early on in my life I was very career focused and once we had our three children, became less so. I had short maternity breaks, and a year’s break after the birth of third child when we moved away.

I have not always worked full time and have been lucky to have a husband who is very supportive and does his share of household chores. I think the key is that we have always been a team and usually agree on how to spend our money and what the priorities are in our lives.

I liked the variety of being at home and also going out to work. I liked earning my own money although we have always had a joint account. This was the norm when we got married 42 years ago. I enjoyed the social interaction at work and the chance to be me, not just someone’s mum or wife. I think having a good work ethic sets a good example to the kids. Our’s are in their 30s, not all in well paid jobs and only one has his own home, actually the one who didn’t go onto further education but did an apprenticeship. However, they have always worked and are not afraid to take on lesser paid jobs to survive. We are not really well off but help them out voluntarily occasionally. Not expected but much appreciated.

Things are so different now. Childcare is expensive and people have higher expectations of material possessions, holidays etc.

However, by working now you will help secure a better future for your family. Hopefully you are fit and healthy and able to work. Who know what will happen in the future? Nothing is more depressing than struggling in later life with poor health and little money.

I think you need to consider finding work that gives you a more enjoyable work/life balance. What happens when your children are both at school full time? Would you really enjoy being a full time sahm? There is more to life than having a perfect home. It could be really boring, especially if you were made to feel guilty about spending money you have theoretically not earned.

I can’t say I have always enjoyed some of the places I have worked at, but they were a means to an end. That is what motivated me. We needed a new cooker, I could buy one. As the children got older they helped out with chores. It helped them appreciate that if they want things, they have to work for them. In a family we help each other.

I am in no way dismissing sahms. Just putting my point across. Some mums would love to have a job outside the home, a chance to earn a bit of money. Most kindly said, but I think you are being a bit unrealistic in this day and age.

Let me guess..... he is doing nowhere near 50% of the housework and childcare.....

You have a serious DH problem and you would be extremely foolish to scale down or give up work.

On the contrary, in your shoes I would focus on getting my career up and running and maximising my earning potential. Not to buy lamps from Wilko (FFS!!!), but I cannot see your marriage going the distance. You'll be glad when you're a single mum with an Ex who only pays the bare minimum.

Why do I get the impression that its hard juggling working and kids because your tight fisted DH does sweet FA with the kids and round the house?

Haven't RTFT but I totally get you OP. I could afford to quit work but it would be financially more risky, less pension, less savings, smaller house etc, so at the moment I work three days.
This week I've had the week off and my kids have been at home and it is bliss!! I love the slow pace of life, the little conversations I have with my eldest that I miss when I'm rushing around. I hate the mental stress of work and switching from focussing on the kids 2 days a week to suddenly being in work mode and having to take my baby to childcare.
We are currently planning dc3 and seriously considering not returning to work afterwards.
I never thought I would be like this. I did well at school, good degree, well paid job, but I would love to step away from it for the next 5 years.

I like earning my own money and want my son and daughter to see my partner and I being equal. Both working, both doing childcare, both doing housework, both having our own time plus family time. Of course it's never exactly 50/50 but it balances out over time.

I'm late 20s but have a lot of life experience and trauma. I will probably get flamed for saying this on Mumsnet but I have an account my partner doesn't know about so I would be free and able to leave if I needed to. I think everyone, man or woman, should have a leaving fund just in case.

I'd hate to be dependant on a anyone. Even if you're married which mumsnet sees as the ultimate protection, you can still be fucked over. Even if you aren't, it can take a long time to receive the settlement.

"AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!"

Feminism is about equality. In this respect, it's only unreasonable if you wouldn't be prepared to do the same in reverse.

Would you be prepared to go out to work to support your family while your husband stayed home, looked after the kids and kept house?

If no. Then yes, I think you're being unreasonable.

Working sucks. The amount of hours it takes up in working and travelling means you don't have much of a life outside of the 9-5 and often take stress home with you. Often for low pay. I don't blame you for not wanting to work. However, the needs of reality and our desires don't always match.

Also, your DH sounds like a massive arsehole.

Who cares if it's "anti-feminist"?

I'd be more worried that your husband thought it was okay to shout at you about buying a lamp.

It's not unreasonable to wish your husband earned enough to support the family on his own and was happy to do so. Not so long ago, that was perfectly normal for many people. It doesn't seem likely to happen for you now, though, so I'd stop kicking myself for being "anti-feminist" and focus on what you can possibly do to make your life work better, with realistic solutions.