AIBU to not want to work?!

[Anonymouseperson]

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

Yanbu op

Mums in the previous generation seemed to have been able to stay at home and be mums, at least for a bit longer

My mother had to resign when she announced her engagement at work, because married women were not employed outside the home. Later, when she could have worked, DH was very against the idea because, well, he wanted all her attention on him and his home. She was often sometimes bored and lonely, especially when we grew up and left home.

Feminism for me is about choices.

Your DH doesn't sound very supportive of your choices. Is it really about the absolute level of his income ? Would he really be any different if he earned more?

Ok op, I'm older , I've done my child raising years . I didn't work for 10 years ( not outside of the house ), DH's job wasn't compatible with me working . Then when the youngest DC was in school I worked PT for a couple of years, then due to family circumstances on DH side I was FT and he was PT.
At no time during that 20byears did either one of us accuse the other of " spunking money up the wall" . It was always family money, no matter who earned it. That's your problem, your DH's attitude that money he earns is his, not shared.

I don’t always enjoy my job but I really like getting paid.
I’m not sure how I would feel about having a rich husband and not having to work.
I was in a financially abusive relationship (forbidden to work, no access to money and many other things) and it made me more determined to make my own money and not be dependent on anyone. I left him once I was able to.

OP stop apologising. If you are both working full time you should be splitting everything 50/50, including childcare. Youre a partnership - he doesn't "help". Trying to cover all of the holidays etc on your own while working full time is a nightmare.
Do you have full access to finances?

Two small children and two working parent trying to run a house is a very busy life! Don't be too hard on yourself OP.

Maybe take stock and think about the practical things you can do to reduce some stress. If you are both working, can you afford a cleaner? Do you give each other a lie in at weekends? Do you have time for hobbies outside the home?

When you are low on your emotional battery at home is low and work is ok, you can survive. Or the other way round. It sounds like you are low on charge for both and so everything feels super difficult.

You might like to lay out all the things you think should be getting done (including leisure time, not just fundamental life stuff) and see if there is a way to use some income to enable some of that? The cleaner, a hobby etc for each of you. How can you help each other to have adult time not being on call all the time to get some headspace?

Your husband's perspective on money is worth exploring... are you just managing or able to save? If you can save, your mental health is worth investing some savings in. Plenty to understand here I appreciate but we often don't prioritise creating a lifestyle that helps us to ride out the storm!

I get this. I work to pay the bills. If I won money I would quit my job and spend my time on hobbies and things I actually enjoy. I don't care about progression, just want a job where I can work the hours assigned and switch off. Some of my friends are really ambitious and they just don't understand that at all. They would work even if they won billions because for them, they love it.

I think your husband's reaction over the lamp was appalling. When I moved up here my DP supported us for a month until I got a job and he would have given me his last penny without questioning what I was spending on. I had savings so he didn't need to, but the difference here is I know we are a team and if I ever had to give up work for children or ill health he would still be generous and appreciate my contribution in other ways.

You are absolutely not a fanny lodger ! And I don't believe it's anti feminist to want to stay home, keep house and look after kids. Feminism is about freedom of choice.

The husband is financially controlling/abusive though. That's the real problem

We often read on MN men who have a go at their oh for spending what is seemingly a one off low value item and the poster saying they don't spend frivolously.

My ex was like that. Would buy stuff we didn't need, but always claimed he wasn't a big spender. It drove me crazy. Maybe OP's OH is really tight or maybe there is some issues with spending habits.

Many people wish they didn't work. It gets worse as you get closer to retirement. That's why people dream of earning the lottery. Some people are lucky they can not work and have plenty of money to spend and feel secure. 99% of people don't, and of those who have to work, a large number wish they didn't. Its life.

@Labyrinth86

Why not work part-time so you are earning money but also have more free time to spend with your children and do chores? I don't think it's fair at all to put all the financial burden on one partner. Maybe yoir husband would like more free time too. Unfortunately, we live in a capitalist society and we need money to live.

Him having a go at you about money is a separate (albeit related) issue imo. However, I guess if he earned the money he should probably get to decide how it is spent.

Er, no. Being shouted at for buying a £12 lamp is not on. I'm a SAHM. My dh has never shouted at me for buying anything . The money he earns is our money. Would I spend ££££ in one go without consulting him? No. Because that's just common decency to discuss spends like that first. But a lamp? A small piece of furniture? A new domestic appliance? Er, no. He's not petty enough to think that warrants a discussion just because he earns OUR money.

Totally understandable how you feel. It’s so hard to fit in quality time with the kids and look after the house and work full time! It doesn’t sound good that your husband seems to have pressured you into working full time but doesn’t sound like he does 50% of the childcare and housework. If you are both working full time why is it him ‘helping’ you with household tasks as though they are your ultimate responsibility? He should be doing equal to you.

I think you sound over tired OP. Having children and running a house is a full time job in itself. On top of that you are both working full time, so that’s three jobs to fit into seven days.
Your husband should not be ‘helping a bit’, you both need to sit down and work out EVERYTHING that is house and kids work, and split it evenly so he is fully adulting and not ‘helping’. Toddlers ’help’.

His attitude to money stinks, but I’d leave that for another thread.

I completely understand what you’re saying OP. Hugs xx

@Goldbar

It doesn't sound like he's not trying to control her though - sounds like he was peed she was spending his money and wanted her to earn her own.

If only one partner is working while the other is caring for small children (as the OP was), then yes it is financial control to unnecessarily limit their access to money. Because it's family money. The work question is a separate question.

If my DH had tried that stunt while I was on maternity leave (and not earning), he would have found himself unable to go to work the next day with a tiny baby to care for and instructions to organise childcare. Meanwhile, I'd have been in our local library contacting my job about returning to work early.

They've got small children now, and it hasn't stopped her from working full-time, or nearly. He told her she needed to go back to work if she wanted to spend money carelessly, and she did. He doesn't appear to have complained about her working - which makes sense, because he was the one who told her to do it. Her only problem is that - like most of us - she'd rather spend her time doing things she finds more enjoyable. While he continued to pay for her by working full-time, naturally. It's apparently never occurred to her that if she hates it, he probably doesn't like it much, either.

If my husband thought he had the right to spend however much of my money he wanted however he damned well pleased, we wouldn't still be married. But I was fortunate to marry an adult, not an overgrown child who thinks their spouse's entire purpose in life is to cater to their feelings.

I do think its unreasonable to expect to completely stop work outside of the home & have your husband pay for everything.

People for get that for women who did this for most of history, there was far more work involved in being at home. No hoover, no time saving washing machines etc so washing and cleaning took much longer. My grandmother was at home when my mother was a child but spent a huge amount of time walking to go and buy food (no supermarket so had to visit several shops) sewing and knitting things (most clothes but children's clothes especially were home made). She had to use a mangle to press water out of clothes. Lots of premade things were expensive so she did a lot of cooking, baking and preserving at home.

It's just not justified in the modern world.

Most people see work as a means to and end after having children. Im sure DH doesnt want to work either but thats life I'm afraid

BUT yanbu to expect your husband to help more and to not be a dick about money.

Hardly anyone wants to work op. We'd love to get money to do fuck all and just do our own thing. Sadly life doesn't work that way and you've had two kids, unless your husband earns enough for that which he doesn't, then you have to work too.

People often don't think about how expensive having children is, and it's only going to get worse as they get older.

You have to get used to the idea that you are working to live, not living to work. Completely different.

@Labyrinth86

It doesn't sound like he's not trying to control her though - sounds like he was peed she was spending his money and wanted her to earn her own. That's the opposite of using money to control someone. If he forbade her to work, gave her an allowance and then pulled her up on it then maybe you would have a point.

She was on maternity leave looking after their children!

Most people see work as a means to and end after having children. Im sure DH doesnt want to work either but thats life I'm afraid

This. The reason they pay us for it is its stuff that needs doing that people won't choose to spend their free time doing.

Your best options are: do less work if you can manage financially. Change job to something you dislike less.

@Anonymouseperson I think you have a DH problem rather than work problem. I have been posting on a thread where my DH wants me to be a SAHM (opposite problem to you). It is only after really working things through and posting on MN that I realised that the reason I resisted it was not because I love my job, it was because I was worried about my future and my DDs future and by giving up my income I would become reliant on my DH. I am not sure if this sounds familiar but my DH completely changed after I gave birth to our DD and suddenly forgot how to do any household chores and expected me to do everything. When challenged he told me it was not MY job since he was the breadwinner. Financially I am lucky that I do not have to work BUT it would come at a cost to my freedom. I also noticed that while he was the "breadwinner" he made all big financial decisions and when challenged it was because it was "his money"! He has done lots of backpeddling when he realised I was going back to work after MAT leave and keeps trying to convince me to be a SAHM. I don't want to derail your thread but would say he sounds very financially controlling which is draining.

I’m a sahm I’m more than happy to keep this situation for a while but if my DH spoke to me like “ make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” When I spent £20 then either you have a DH problem and need to get a job ASAP or as a family you can’t afford for you to not be working.

While he continued to pay for her by working full-time, naturally.

A £12 lamp!!!!

What about the value of all the childcare costs she's saved him for their 2 children? That must run into thousands of pounds.

The OP has more than paid for herself in the childcare she has provided, the housework she has provided and the paid work she has done.

Many men routinely undervalue the cost of childcare, caring and domestic work. It seems that the OP's husband is one of them.

With a husband like that, I'd be getting my career back on track because I'd want to be sure of an income, in case his behaviour deteriorates from nasty to unbearable. I think you're acting very wisely.

I work to pay the bills and to provide me & ds with a nice life, not because I enjoy it.

And listening to my friends, marrying a rich man is seldom the answer.

How many hours does he work & what does he do around the house?

Do you both pay for childcare?