AIBU to not want to work?!

[Anonymouseperson]

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

Remember new jobs are always hard for a while when you're learning the ropes. It will get much easier as you adapt.

Nevertheless your husband is a shit for saying that.

Yanbu for not wanting to work. Young children plus full time is a double job.

I’m amused at the idea that a sahp should be answerable to the earning partner.

My dh did not appreciate my priorities when the dc were small because he had zero knowledge of early childhood development and had grown up with a house proud dm who prioritised cleanliness back in the days when it was perfectly acceptable to leave a baby in the pram outside the front door with the radio for company.

He wasn’t particularly keen on how much it cost to feed, clothe and nappy the little creatures either!

We came to an understanding that I wouldn’t tell him how to run his business and we would both trust each other in our relative spheres of experience. We’re both decent humans doing our best.

My ds has an immaculate house but her dc are never in it between the hours of 7.30 am and 7pm and she has a cleaner in twice a week while she works (awesome woman and happy kids - no judgement) but I’ve no idea why anyone would think a sahm can have an immaculate house. It defies logic.

I don’t think adults in a healthy relationship should be dictating to each other regardless of who earns the marital assets.

@thelegohooverer

I’m amused at the idea that a sahp should be answerable to the earning partner.

My dh did not appreciate my priorities when the dc were small because he had zero knowledge of early childhood development and had grown up with a house proud dm who prioritised cleanliness back in the days when it was perfectly acceptable to leave a baby in the pram outside the front door with the radio for company.

He wasn’t particularly keen on how much it cost to feed, clothe and nappy the little creatures either!

We came to an understanding that I wouldn’t tell him how to run his business and we would both trust each other in our relative spheres of experience. We’re both decent humans doing our best.

My ds has an immaculate house but her dc are never in it between the hours of 7.30 am and 7pm and she has a cleaner in twice a week while she works (awesome woman and happy kids - no judgement) but I’ve no idea why anyone would think a sahm can have an immaculate house. It defies logic.

I don’t think adults in a healthy relationship should be dictating to each other regardless of who earns the marital assets.

So if the sole earner decides to take an easier job - with a significant pay cut that jeopardise family finances - SAHP can’t say anything, cuz that’s ‘dictating’ right

@thelegohooverer the point is they’re both answerable to each other. It doesn’t go one way.

Haven't rtft but the problem is if the rich husband turns out to be a arsehole.
No income or emergency fund makes options difficult.

@TractorAndHeadphones
‘ You’re doing crafts and cooking meals - as long as your partner agrees that this is the best use of your time all good smile’

What if he disapproves and says ‘cut the craft, I want the house shining’? Good little housewife sticks the kid in front of the TV and does as she is told? What?

For those saying childcare doesn’t equal income, it often does in the primary years. 3 in after school and breakfast club is over£1500 a month, add in travel to work and you struggle to earn it. Nursery places here are £1200+ a month, two in nursery actually exceeded by income a few years ago. If you have multiple children it can be hard to earn more than childcare+travel. I’m not saying women can’t still work, what I am saying the financial impact of working/ not working isn’t often the consideration for many.

@TractorAndHeadphones

*marital assets.

So if the sole earner decides to take an easier job - with a significant pay cut that jeopardise family finances - SAHP can’t say anything, cuz that’s ‘dictating’ right*

It is indeed a conversation we have had and did for a while

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

Or cut the craft and get back to work, which I think a lot of people are insinuating. Nothing has more value than bringing the pounds in

[quote TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]@TractorAndHeadphones
‘ You’re doing crafts and cooking meals - as long as your partner agrees that this is the best use of your time all good smile’

What if he disapproves and says ‘cut the craft, I want the house shining’? Good little housewife sticks the kid in front of the TV and does as she is told? What?

For those saying childcare doesn’t equal income, it often does in the primary years. 3 in after school and breakfast club is over£1500 a month, add in travel to work and you struggle to earn it. Nursery places here are £1200+ a month, two in nursery actually exceeded by income a few years ago. If you have multiple children it can be hard to earn more than childcare+travel. I’m not saying women can’t still work, what I am saying the financial impact of working/ not working isn’t often the consideration for many.[/quote]
You’re misunderstanding the point.
It’s not about just doing what your partner says. It’s about both of you agreeing, and every situation is different.

If you and your spouse agree that pne of you is going to stay home for X, Y, Z reasons and this will result in A,B C outcome that’s all well and good.

However if one of you thinks the outcome is

A and B. Someone else thinks it’s D and C. Then you have a problem.

[quote themuttsnutts]@TractorAndHeadphones

*marital assets.

So if the sole earner decides to take an easier job - with a significant pay cut that jeopardise family finances - SAHP can’t say anything, cuz that’s ‘dictating’ right*

It is indeed a conversation we have had and did for a while[/quote]
Well then it’s the same thing with the SAHP. If your spouse reducing his hours at work needs to be discussed rather than them unilaterally doing it then why is what you do as a SAHP not open for discussion
Again the key here is to s discuss not div

I would love to give up work. I also really love my job and worked so hard for it. I have a great career ahead of me. I'm being put through a professional qualification and then in September my LA are funding my masters. I worked FT whilst completing a FT degree for 3 years to get the job I have now.

I feel like I missed out on my dc. They're teens now and I basically abandoned them for 3 years where I was so busy. The job I have now takes so much of my head space I don't have a lot left over. I was a single parent for years but now I'm married. I would love nothing more than to give up work and look after my dc and my husband. I'd cook, clean, do the life admin, help my husband with his business if we could afford it. I'd also want to go to the gym every day and have lunches with my friends. I may even volunteer once a week or be on a charity board in my dream world.

I feel like my life has got harder having a husband and there isn't enough time/head space for him, my dc and my career. I work a 9 day fortnight to have a day to myself, we have a cleaner and do hello fresh and it's not enough. I really would love to be a 'proper mum and wife' and I can't do that and my career. But I also love my job and I'm so excited for my next step, my other dream life is to have a little house with a court yard garden, loads of bookcases and cats, I'd work really hard in the day and concentrate on writing my research on an evening. I know I'd be perfectly happy without dc and dh but I've got them and constantly feel guilty that I can't manage all 3 aspects.

*dictate

neither my DP nor I would take kindly to being told what to do. But we also don’t do things without knowing what the other person thinks about it. That’s because I don’t have a dick for a partner though

OP I feel for you & I think you've been on the receiving end of some pretty scathing/ judgemental comments.

You are not wrong for wanting to be with your children. Millions of women want this too & some find ways to make it work for them. But it takes the 2 of you to want to make that work.

In my case I stayed at home until dc went to school. My dh was 100% supportive & the managing of money was never once an issue. We talked a lot about it & it was the right thing for us as a family.

I had an established career in a niche enough field & I never considered it a risk to take those years out. I always viewed it as a massive plus & a benefit not just to my dc but to me too.

I went back to work at a far more senior level than I'd left & it has in no way hindered my career.

I am now the higher earner between myself & dh & the dc are teens.

I think you need to have a very serious chat with you dh about it all. His attitude towards you when you were on maternity leave was appalling. He doesn't sound kind at all. This would definitely cause me to closely examine my relationship.

Generosity & kindness are dealbreakers for me.

@Anonymouseperson

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

I'm a bit late to the party but yes, you are unreasonable for four reasons:

1. You have the capacity to earn some money for the family that can be spent improving the living standards of your children but can't be bothered to do so;

2. You are giving no consideration to your partner's needs. As he's not a particularly high earner, more time for you with the children will probably translate into more hours at work for him;

3. In the 21st century single income households tend to be poor. A dual income household with two children and two people earning £30k each pays around £4.5k less in income taxes and receives around £2k more in benefits than a single earner household with two children and one person earning £60k. That's over £500 a month and that's why you won't have £12 to waste on things you don't need. If you live in a single income household you must accept you don't have any spare money unless your DP earns significant amounts. (My XW had a habit of telling me "oh, it was only £10" about twice a week. Well over £1k a year was spaffed up a wall on silly, unnecessary purchases but it didn't stop her blaming me that we couldn't afford a family holiday because I "earned the money").

4. You are putting yourself and your partner at risk if you ever divorce in the future. You will be at risk of not earning enough to maintain yourself and will still be dependent on your Ex-H. He will probably have to hand over most of the assets based on the old like that being a SAHP is always a joint decision. (It certainly wasn't a joint decision in my marriage, my XW just refused to go to work even when she could. And it rarely appears to be the case for those posting on MumsNet wanting to be SAHMs and discussing how to bully their husbands into it).

@FutureExH this was resolved over 2 months ago. There is surely no reason to re-raise it now.

All I think about when I go to work is to keep my rent paid and bills paid. I hate working but have to

Could you work fewer hours OP so you still get the benefit of time with your children but work towards financial independence too? I completely relate to how you're feeling, I long to spend time with my children but also don't want all of my purchases scrutinised. I recently went back to work full time and it wasn't working out so when I handed my notice in they asked if I'd like to reduce my hours instead. Which I did and things are much better now. When my children are older I will go back to FT