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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD- 13 YO daughter and message I "shouldn't have read"

202 replies

over2021 · 20/10/2021 13:41

DD is 13 (Y9). Tomorrow her and some friends have arranged something after school that starts at 7pm. DD asked if her friends could come to ours after school before the event starts which is very local to us (not so much for them). I agreed then realised I was working late so said to DD they would need to order pizzas etc as I wouldn't be in- DH would be home from 6ish.

On reflection, I didn't want them walking to event - about 20 minute walk away- in the dark. DH doesn't have a big enough car to take them. So, I've changed my work plans so I could be home. I told DD and she said "a few girls wanted to go to the park first"- I was clear she was not to go to the park in the dark (the park is a wooded area with a pond etc not a playground).

Last night DD was being weird with her phone and when she went to bed I checked her messages. One in their group chat said "guys, my mum is such a buzz kill. She's coming home now so she can drive us but I've told her to drop us at half six so we can still go to the park".

I am fuming at her. I want to ground her and say not only can her friends not come but she's also not going to the event as clearly I can't trust her. DH says I need to back off and she's behaving like a normal teenager plus I shouldn't have read her messages but that I should drop them at the door and watch them go in.

WWYD!?

OP posts:
mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 21/10/2021 11:30

I am not a parent but I am AMAZED how many posters think it is fine and perfectly safe for a young girl (13 is young and she does not sound very streetwise yet) and her friends to gather in a dark park. I used to live backing onto a very nice park in North London. By day, full of families, people doing sports, old folk admiring the flowerbeds. As soon as darkness fell, drug dealers on the steps of the cricket pavilion, random groups of shrieking, swearing teens in the recreation ground (one night I called the police because I was convinced, from the things I could hear being shouted out that one of the girls in the recreation ground group was being raped at 10.30 pm - they came right away and dispersed them. It is not just London parks that are unsafe at night for young (or other) females but most municipal parks, I would think.

cherrytreesa · 21/10/2021 11:30

Out of interest and not being snarky, to people saying they read the children's messages as a matter of course, if they had diaries would you read those too to make sure you know what's going on in their lives?

See this kind of comment baffles me. You seem to think that 'reading' a phone is just for pure nosiness. Would you find a someone grooming your child in a diary? I recently was told (by the mother) of a 16 yo girl, who was groomed through her phone, by a local lad and resulted in her being raped. Her mother admitted she didn't think she needed to check the phone and she didn't think her DD would allow it.

liveforsummer · 21/10/2021 11:40

Our school sends out regular reminders to check DC's phones (openly) they also talk to the dc about phone/internet safety and tell them that an adult should be regularly checking. I can't see how it's like a diary in any way.

TheOrigRights · 21/10/2021 11:49

@madisonbridges

Out of interest and not being snarky, to people saying they read the children's messages as a matter of course, if they had diaries, would you read those too to make sure you know what's going on in their lives?
A diary and a phone are two entirely different things. A diary does not have Apps or include messages from other people, or connect to the internet.

A diary is not going to create a situation that spirals out of control, which my son doesn't know how to handle.

tintodeverano2 · 21/10/2021 11:54

I've told my dd that as long as I am paying her bill I will check the phone whenever I want as it actually belongs to me.

GettingItOutThere · 21/10/2021 11:54

id drop them 7pm too.

Then have a chat about safety and let her wonder if you know... it fucks with them more than a "dont do that" chat

liveforsummer · 21/10/2021 11:55

@mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork agree I live in a nice green part of a much smaller city with direct access to a lovely family park it does have a play area but also a much larger green area with trees. Like yours by day it's filled with families and the local nurseries walking dc, there are people playing sports and tending to the allotments. It's also a high foot traffic through road so safe on dark winter later afternoons despite being dark. Later on though there are groups of older teens hooded with faces covered, often on stolen motorbikes or bicycles. Older girl teens hanging in woods drinking and sometimes getting a bit mouthy to passers by that would certainly pick on younger teen girls. Assaults and robberies aren't actually that common but they do happen from time to time. A man was stabbed by youths trying to take his phone and another assaulted for his bike badly enough that it needed police cordon and door to door enquiries. Both of these incidents were dark evenings not late. Dd is a little younger than OP's - 1st year of high school but once it's dark I always want her home by 6. In the summer in a lot more lenient.

TheOrigRights · 21/10/2021 12:01

@tintodeverano2

I've told my dd that as long as I am paying her bill I will check the phone whenever I want as it actually belongs to me.
How old is your DD? Is she actually able to pay for it herself? This seems a bit unfair as a parent. I mean, you must buy her things all the time.
liveforsummer · 21/10/2021 12:07

Presumably by around 15/16 dc can choose to pay for their own pay as you go plan from their pocket money - 13 year olds should definitely have their phones checked! I'm shocked anyone thinks otherwise. As I said our school advocates it based on internet safety advice they receive from experts and sends regular reminders.

saleorbouy · 21/10/2021 13:31

Grounding would have a negative effect and likely lead to more issues. Keep the dialogue open and reinforce why you are concerned about going to the park in the evening. Drop her at the door and later chat about the importance of letting you know where she is going and being honest.
Could you allow her a bit more slack at other times so she feels a bit more freedom and responsibility but at a more appropriate time.

neednotknow · 21/10/2021 13:43

@mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork

I am not a parent but I am AMAZED how many posters think it is fine and perfectly safe for a young girl (13 is young and she does not sound very streetwise yet) and her friends to gather in a dark park. I used to live backing onto a very nice park in North London. By day, full of families, people doing sports, old folk admiring the flowerbeds. As soon as darkness fell, drug dealers on the steps of the cricket pavilion, random groups of shrieking, swearing teens in the recreation ground (one night I called the police because I was convinced, from the things I could hear being shouted out that one of the girls in the recreation ground group was being raped at 10.30 pm - they came right away and dispersed them. It is not just London parks that are unsafe at night for young (or other) females but most municipal parks, I would think.
100% same!

It is so risky for v young girls to be out drinking underage and hanging about like sitting ducks for any old predator. How are people so lax?

13 years are barely teens, ffs. Some people are so quick to wash their hands of any responsibility.

00100001 · 21/10/2021 13:58

@Skysblue

Right so you changed your work plans around so you could accommodate her social life and make sure she’s safe, and she’s trying to trick you and going somewhere unsafe that you told her not to? I would be livid.

I’m not sure grounding her is the answer though, and I’m no expert on teens.

There are teo issues here thst need addressing:

  1. Her lack of respect for you
  2. Her lack of concern for her own safety.

I would have a loooong chat with her and then set her a relevant punishment. A problem seems to be that she doesn’t understand why the park is a bad idea. I might tell her she has to research and write an essay on women’s safety, incl statistics on how many rapes and murders there are of females a year in your country, and that she can’t have her phone back or go out with her friends until she’s given you the essay.

I’d also buy her a personal alarm to carry.

an essay... ? Confused
00100001 · 21/10/2021 14:02

@madisonbridges

Out of interest and not being snarky, to people saying they read the children's messages as a matter of course, if they had diaries, would you read those too to make sure you know what's going on in their lives?
because a 13yo writing their thoughts in a diary isn't the same as an unsupervised portal to hardcore pornography, bullying, sexting, grooming, adult/graphic imagery, harassment, social pressures etc etc
00100001 · 21/10/2021 14:07

@TheReluctantPhoenix

Well, I may be old fashioned, but I generally think school nights are for homework, dinner and bed (unless it is already her half term).

In any event, she should be grateful that you are letting her go at all.

your kids never did anything after school...ever? Confused Never once visited a friend, played in the park, went swimming, out for a doughnut and hot chocolate, never visited nan and grandad and had tea there, never went to brownies/cubs/dance/football, never went for a walk with the dog etc...
TheReluctantPhoenix · 21/10/2021 14:28

@00100001,

Already asked and answered.

liveforsummer · 21/10/2021 15:00

[quote TheReluctantPhoenix]@TimeForTeaAndG,

They go to various sport-related events, latest one finishes at 7pm (oldest child 13 though).

Of course, there might be the odd exception, but they need to be up 7AM, and so need to be ready to sleep 10pm latest.[/quote]
Guides doesn't even start til 7.30 and dd has been going since she was 10, she's now 11. It finishes at 9 - later if they have a special night on. Next month they have a special private cinema trip that finishes at 10.30. 7pm is a very early curfew for hobbies for a 13 year old. My dd needs less sleep than me I can't imagine one late night causing issues to many 13 year olds

00100001 · 21/10/2021 21:49

[quote TheReluctantPhoenix]@00100001,

Already asked and answered.[/quote]
My mistake.

So why did you claim that after school is for homework, dinner and bed? When if fact you meant, after school activities,.such as sports events, homework, dinner and bed?

Confused
Cuddlyrottweiler · 21/10/2021 21:57

I'd drop her off at the right time but explain to her the dangers of going to the park at night. They don't know why you don't go to parks at night, don't teach them "because I said so." Teach them to keep themselves safe. I'd also drop in that she should also let you know where she is, it's temping to sneak off somewhere more fun but if something ever happened then you need to know where she's meant to be so you can find her and help her.
Don't tell her you read her messages, you'll just make her more secretive, you want to encourage communication not secret keeping.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 21/10/2021 22:09

Bit confused here. Your daughter wants to go to an event. At 6pm she wants to hang in park for a bit. What's the issue. Helicopter parenting ?

00100001 · 21/10/2021 22:13

@Flowersintheattic2021

Bit confused here. Your daughter wants to go to an event. At 6pm she wants to hang in park for a bit. What's the issue. Helicopter parenting ?
Did you miss the bit that the park is secluded and the girl is 13 years old? Confused
Original poster
over2021 · 21/10/2021 22:29

Thanks for all your responses. 4 teenagers dropped at the door of event at 6.30. Whatever their plans for the park were they must have changed them because I watched them walk in, giggling, without looking back.

Thanks for talking me down Grin

OP posts:
pilates · 22/10/2021 08:00

Great update 👍

diddl · 22/10/2021 08:48

@over2021

Thanks for all your responses. 4 teenagers dropped at the door of event at 6.30. Whatever their plans for the park were they must have changed them because I watched them walk in, giggling, without looking back.

Thanks for talking me down Grin

Did you wait long enough to see if they walked out again?Wink
madisonbridges · 22/10/2021 11:07

I've read your responses about a phone v a diary, thank you for replying, and I can see the differences regarding porn etc, but a young person would still write in a diary about who they're seeing, what their plans are, what they've got up to - so, many things the same as they would have on a phone. I don't think most parents would read a diary whilst thinking a phone is fair game. The op wasn't secretly checking her daughters phone for porn or grooming, she was checking up on what she was up to with her friends - which is really no different than reading her diary.

I'm not saying any of it is right or wrong, no criticism of the op, but it's interesting to me that parents now have an intrusion into their children's lives which we justify, perhaps rightly, as keeping them safe. But does that mean that when we read things that are not to do with porn etc, we act like we haven't seen them so our children have some autonomy; or do we step in and correct and punish in the name of protecting? When I was young, I did and said many things I wouldn't want my parents to know about - still do! - but I was in the fortunate position that we had no phones for parents to read and they would never, ever have intruded into the privacy of my diary.

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 12:19

I'd be furious 😂 but I'd understand I think, people are right it is standard teenage behaviour. And From her perspective this reflects on her friendship group too which will suck for her! .

They all want to go, you are staying no and dropping her off and she now has to unwillingly explain to her friends that her mum isn't cool enough and by stopping her she stops the whole group. It's her mums fault, therefore it's her fault. As a teenager that sucks and life isn't fair and she will call you a buzzkill.

However, from a real life adult perspective you are being safe, responsible and a parent. It's our job to protect our children, and not only will she not understand, she won't want to for a while!

I'd sit her down and explain a bit more. Tell her you understand it has conveniences on everyone but you would be a crappy parent if you didn't care. She will get it when she's older but for now, your rules are your rules.